banteranter*

All I want for Christmas

2011-12-25T08:44:00.000-08:00

Thank the lord, thank the lord, the NBA season is upon us! I won't mention the lockout ever again after this sentence because I've had enough of that business until the players opt out of the CBA in six years and we have another lockout. All I care about is that basketball, real basketball, is back and it really is all I want for Christmas. I don't care about presents; I don't care about spirit; I want to watch basketball all day.

Worse than expected: San Antonio

Better than expected: New Jersey, Minnesota, Denver, Indiana

Could sneak into the Conference Finals: Indiana

Could sneak into the Finals: Memphis, Boston, LA Clippers

Could be and epic disaster: LA Lakers, Boston (They've got range!)

Worst Team Ever: Charlotte

Coach who will get fired first: Stan Van Gundy

Coach who should get fired first: Vinny Del Negro

Coach of the Year: Lionel Hollins

Rookie of the Year: Ricky Rubio? I don't know, I don't watch college sports.

Most Improved Player: DeMarcus Cousins

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard (for the next decade or so)

6th Man of the Year: James Harden

Scoring Champ: Kevin Durant

MVP: CP3!

West Playoffs

Oklahoma City(1) vs Portland(8)

Memphis(2) vs San Antonio (7)

Dallas (3) vs LA Lakers (6)

Denver(4) vs LA Clippers(5)

OKC vs LA Clippers

Memphis vs LA Lakers

OKC vs LA Lakers

East Playoffs

Miami(1) fucking destroys Milwaukee (8)

Chicago(2) vs New Jersey(7)

Indiana(3) vs Philadelphia(6)

Boston(4) vs New York(5)

Miami vs New York

Chicago vs Indiana

Chicago vs New York

NBA Finals

Oklahoma City Thunder over Chicago Bulls in 7

This is what I kinda sorta look like

2011-11-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have a strict doppelganger elimination policy. Should any of my associates ever encounter an impostor roaming the earth, they are to dispose of this person (or thing) on sight. This poses a slight problem as I have been told I look like the following celebrities:

Keanu Reeves

Wanted for stealing my thunder

Chris Klein

To be destroyed immediately

John Lennon

R.I.P

Elias Koteas

Exactly what I will be in 30 years

If you don't know who Elias Koteas is, you are truly missing out. Known for such roles as Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movies and that creepy guy in Fallen, he is one of Canada's greatest of its numerous gifts to the world. I recently passed Elias Koteas in the street. I was too stunned to terminate him. Perhaps it for the best; he isn't a true doppelganger, more of a glimpse into my future. Keanu Reeves should take note.

Last Minute Emmy Predictions!!!!!!!!

2011-09-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

I just found out the Emmys are tonight.

I am not in tuned.

Seems like a great chance to prove my prediction superiority. At any rate, some eight year old just gave the official 'Top 5 Worst Movies of the Year' for ABC. Things are getting bleak.

Best Actress Comedy: Edie Falco

Best Actor Comedy: Jim Parsons

Best Supporting Actress Comedy: Jane Lynch

Best Supporting Actor Comedy: Ed O'Neill

Best Comedy Series: Modern Family

Best Actress Drama: Mossy Mossy (Mad Men)

Best Actor Drama: Buscemi. Without mother fuckin question

Supporting Actress Drama: Christine Baranski

Supporting Actor Drama: Andre Braugher

Drama Series: Game of Thrones

I'm not making Mini Series picks.

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

2011-09-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Which one of these fraternal twins do you want to be our next President?

I'll top the list as soon I get famous

2011-06-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the time to write much lately. My workload basically doubled overnight. Somewhere in all this madness is a good book or New Yorker article. One day I'll have my life together enough to write whole paragraphs. Until that day comes, here's another list.

James's somewhere between predictable and off the beaten path list of celebrity crushes

Marisa Tomei
Less than four years until she is the original member and all time champion of my hottest ladies over 50 club.

Anne Hathaway
Nothing like a nice Jewish-looking girl with perfect lips and eyes to make momma happy.

Eva Mendes
Is there a single flaw on her body? Great curves, smooth skin, and just the right amount of trouble in her eyes. She even has a perfectly sized bonus mole a la Cindy Crawford. Easily my number one if not for...

George Clooney
Duh

I'll be the first resident of The Pompous

2011-05-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

What do you think these names are for?

Ashley

Olivia

Archstone

Mima

Atelier

Loft

Aire

WYYZ

SOS

Edge

Do those all sound like tacky restaurants to you? That would make too much sense to warrant this post. Nope, they're apartment buildings. Apparently it's no longer good enough to overpay for a cookie cutter condo in tomorrow's hottest location, today! Now we all have to live in individually branded condos so the whole world knows we chose this particular condo for its ambiguous one-word title beginning in A*. What's with that anyway? Some marketing genius must have decided A is a dominant letter or something. It's that kind of subtle confidence that convinces people that the building that looks exactly like the one down the street (inside and out) is somehow Jesus reincarnated as a condominium. Get in on the ground floor now before this neighborhood goes out of fashion!

I've been inside enough of these "luxury condos" to affirmatively state that the only identity they're selling is permission to advertise your specific income range to other people whose only means of telling people apart is how much money they make. The only identity on sale is an inflated sense of self worth. I'm not omniscient - I'm barely even presentable - but even I know if you're the only person who cares about the name of your building, it's not worth bringing up in conversation. Here's a fun game you can play: the next time somebody name drops their cookie cutter condo, make up one of your own and watch them wither up in shame of having lost the superficial status game.

Just watch, I'll end up living in one of these places. I can't really complain if I do. ***SHAMELESS GLOATING ALERT*** My boss is going to pay for my apartment, after all. ***PATHETIC BRAGGING COMPLETE***

*Unless you count "The" at the beginning, which every single one of these has. Since when were buildings rock bands?

Important questions

2011-05-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

Some jerkass once said there's no such thing as a stupid question. That guy probably didn't talk to any stupid people. I get asked a lot of questions. Some of them are not of exceptional intelligence. These are some of those questions.

Do you have a moment for [insert cause here]? No, I don't have time. I read your precious NPR and sign petitions online. Now fuck off.

Do you have the time? Do you own a cell phone?

Are all those dogs yours? Yes, I own four dogs. I also have seventeen cats, three hamsters, a chimpanzee and three dozen goldfish. Did I mention I live in a mansion?

How do I get to [really easy to find New York landmark]? First step is saying excuse me. Aren't you supposed to think New Yorkers are surly? If you're too selfish to be polite about it, I will never give you directions. If you are exceptionally rude, I might even send in the wrong direction. (Yes, I have done this.)

Do you want to do me a favor? Of course not.

Will you me a favor? Probably. What can I say? I'm a nice guy like that.

Now I want gummy bears

2011-05-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Working outdoors isn't always a walk in the park. Well, it is literally a walk in the park, but don't let that distract you from my metaphor. Work with me people! Walking several miles a day with creatures designed to disobey you can be quite tiring. As it turns out, there aren't many options for a quick snack when you've got multiple dogs attached to you determined to eat everything in the store. Local merchants don't take kindly to my folk. I had to come up with a solution that didn't cost me tons of money or test the human body's capacity for bananas.

Enter homemade clif bars. These are so good and so easy to make, I put my name on them. The thing I really love about making these bars is they can be as healthy or junkalicious as I want. Hell, you could throw in gummy bears if you felt like it. The sky is the limit!

James Bars

Dry

2 cups quick oats

1 cup crushed cereal such as Kashi, Rice Krispies, or whatever you like (You can even use pretzels)

Dried fruit, nuts, seeds, chocolate chips, anything your heart desires. My usual suspects are golden raisins, cranberries, walnuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds, and obviously chocolate.

Wet

1 cup agave nectar

1 cup peanut butter

Potential add-ons: Cocoa powder for more chocolaty goodness, instant coffee for, um coffee goodness, both for mocha party.

Mix the dry ingredients in a big bowl. Melt the wet ingredients together over low heat and stir constantly until it's one warm syrup. Pour the syrup into the bowl and mix everything up as well as you can. It will get messy. Transfer to a big plate or baking sheet and spread out flat, doing your best to evenly distribute the syrup. Let it dry and cut into bars.

Who designed this place?

2011-05-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know when this happened, but it seems like every single grocery store in America- or at least the parts I've been to. Don't ask me about Nebraska- refuses to let you leave without walking through the check out area. More often than not, this involves shuffling through a group of paying customers and possibly ducking under some makeshift barricade. Okay, I can get on board with theft prevention, but there has to be a better method besides trapping the people who want to leave without buying something. Yes, those people exist.

Don't be so full of yourself, grocery stores. Not every single person who steps through your doors is here to buy your precious groceries. While strawberries at $12.99/lb is the offer of a lifetime, some of us are just perusing for free samples or casing you for a public bathroom. Is it really necessary to make us awkwardly squeeze past paying customers just to exit your store? Are we supposed to feel ashamed for not buying anything? It could just be you want the superior purchasing prowess of your customers to rub off on us. Whatever it is, please provide an exit for the freeloaders, mind-changers and alike. Your suspicious glances are never going to stop me from exiting through the entrance. All they do is give me more inspiration to egregiously misinterpret those "Please Take One" signs.

It's John Cusack or Danny Glover

2011-04-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

The day of reckoning is upon us. As if I need to offer more explanation, I'm talking about May 21, 2012, the day all the stars align, bringing forth unimaginable destruction from which only John Cusack can save us. Since this is obviously inevitable, it's probably a good idea to grab as many good karma points as you can find. What if hell really exists? Nobody wants to be the odd person out on Judgment Day. So do something good and donate to the Run For Change before it's too late. It's for kids and kids are the future until the world as we know it is obliterated next year.

Bragging Rights

2011-04-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

As of last week, I have gone two years and counting since my last cigarette. Despite numerous attempts to be a "casual" smoker, it turns out I'm not a woman, so it was boom or bust for my quitting hopes. I had made it as long as five months at one point. The day I started again (I refuse to say relapsed. I wasn't a coke addict.) I was straight back to a solid pack a day habit. At least a dozen more short-lived "done for good" postures and countless packs later, I had crossed the point where cigarettes had anything to add to my life. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I no longer smoked because I liked it; I smoked because I was a smoker.

No, I didn't up and quit when I reached this realization. I had at least two years of rueing every single cigarette I smoked before I stopped for good. Still, I don't regret that it took me so long. We all quit at our own pace. I quit when I was ready. It didn't come down to some epiphany (either real or imagined) or any self-imposed ultimatum. At some point, I just decided it was my time. Two year later, all the nicotine out my system, I still have mixed emotions about the whole experience.

Like so many young men motivated my hormones and the desire to not look so fucking uncomfortable, I started smoking because of a girl. The girl is irrelevant. Seventeen year old James was ready to grow long hair and pierce his ear if it meant getting girls to pay attention. Yeeeeah, that really happened. (For the record, chicks dig the hair.) As I was saying, she smoked, so I smoked, and I was stuck at that point. It was fun finding a brand- Marlboro, FYI and FTW- and embracing the false sense of rebellion reserved for teenagers who didn't really have it that bad growing up. But that all fades. It turns out smoking is kind of terrible for you in every way imaginable, not the least of which being the excessive trips outside during snow storms. Eventually you realize you don't know why you smoke anymore. Maybe you have piss poor anger management. Maybe every single one of your friends smoke. Maybe you convinced yourself it's part of the mystique about being a artist. Maybe you're me and you pencilled in "All of the above." However you get there, at some point, it stops making sense.

Cigarettes are an addiction that defies logic. Drug addicts don't just get high to feed their addiction; drugs are fun. Getting high is fun. Nothing is particularly fun about cigarettes. The temporary relaxation, the so-called nicotine hit, is a carcinogenic replacement for the cheapest, healthiest relaxation method in the world: breathing. Smoking is all the downside without any of the benefits. The more you think about it, the more you realize how much you don't want to smoke anymore. So why do I still look back on those years with nostalgia?

Cigarettes are unhealthy, expensive, smelly, downright vile when you think about it. Above all else, cigarettes are cool. The desire to be cool is the reason we start smoking. The fabricated charisma surrounding smokers is more than enough to keep smokers smoking. And when it's all settled in, pride, smoker's pride, is stronger than any patch, stick of gum or holistic scam artist can ever be. I still have that pride. Even though I hate cigarettes, resent their very existence, I always argue for smoker's rights. I genuinely believe bars should have the right to designate themselves as smoking or clean living. Does that make me a Libertarian or am I just a smoker?

I still love cigarettes. Although I believe I have a good shot at remaining clean for the rest of my life - I've already come this far - I still envy those who puff away despite all the research, all the stigma, all the $13 packs. In some way I see them as braver than me, more stubborn. My Irish side admires such qualities. But I'll stick it out. They tell me I'm adding years to my life this way. It's cool, I'll cancel that out with bourbon and anxiety.

Cloudy with a chance of awkward

2011-04-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

I was recently ~~stuck~~ trusted with the responsibility of training new co-workers. The actual training part isn't too demanding. We walk dogs, there aren't many nuances to discuss. As I soon found out, perhaps I wished there were was more to talk about.

Training a new dog walker is not like training the new associate of interdepartmental meddling. There is no office to speak of, no people to deflect questions to, no escape. It's just you and this stranger walking around looking for something to talk about for six to eight hours. As it turns out, one of my trainees was quite pleasant and the other was perfectly agreeable, so I wasn't standing there in silence, searching for new ways to describe how this particular dog likes to shit. But there's still only so much you can say to a person you just met. It would have been ill-advised to bring up topics such as my penchant for mooning my girlfriend or complaints about my mother. Riveting subjects like those are reserved for close friends and anonymous readers.

I do my best not to be awkward, but I'm not Mr. Gregarious either. It's hard to talk to one person all day. When you have so many hours to fill, small talk starts looking pretty damn interesting. The whole training experience reminded how valuable small talk can be. We can't all have the gift of gab. For the rest of us, conversations with strangers can be challenging, and silences can be terrifying. So forgive us plebes for discussing the weather. Personally, I find it interesting.

Mama, There Goes that Man

2011-04-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

If there's two truths I know to be certain of in this world, it is that Newt Gingrich is ugly and James sure doesn't like Mark Jackson. Personally, I can't stand Marv Albert, but the important thing is that both the writers of this blog are resentful towards somebody thats more successful than us. It'd be hard to fit in otherwise.

Prediction Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EAST

Chicago vs Indiana

The Pacers are in the playoffs you say? Are they still playing with upwards of 3 white guys on the court at once? How many Australians still get substantial minutes? Whether or not Austin Croshere still plays basketball is beyond me, but I'm pretty sure the Bulls could win without having the best point guard in the league.

Chicago, 4-1

Miami vs Philadelphia

What a turnaround for a team that just last year was the least popular pro sports team in its city. Who am I talking about? Both teams! See how that goes? That's what the kids call a merge.

I'm fairly certain last year the 76ers drew the worst attendance in the league, behind even Minnesota. Now they get to play the most despised team this side of the 1980s Detroit Pistons, and not even the ghost of Eric Snow himself could help.

Miami, 4-0

Boston vs New York

Originally I believed this to be the worst possible first round matchup for the Knicks. Then I decided Carmelo Anthony is going to drop over 30 in multiple games. If the Knicks can hold Garnett to a reasonable FG%, they have a shot. Jermaine O'Neal and Shaq won't do shit. I forsee Chauncey Billups psyching out Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen having a game where he makes like 9 threes, and another couple where he shots like 15%. Melo outscores Pierce, and Amare does something. I mean, he has to9 do something right? Any Landry Fields points are merely a bonus.

New York, 4-2

Orlando vs Atlanta

Orlando thought getting Hedo back would be the move they needed to get back in the NBA Finals and win a championship? Congrats, now you're the #4 seed and you have to play a team desperate to prove they belong among the top teams in the east. Orlando swept Atlanta in the playoffs last year, but that was a different Orlando team. This one has Turkoglu, Reddick, Arenas, and Anderson. Ugh. The Hawks are ready to prove they can make it back to the East semifinals and lose in 5 games this year!

Atlanta, 4-3

WEST

San Antonio vs Memphis

See, the problem is Memphis doesn't have Rudy Gay. Rudy Gay is from Baltimore and in the NBA, thereby inherently awesome. Zack Randolph is tearing it up you say? Alrighty...

The Spurs counter in front court silliness with one Mr. Antonio McDyess. In case you don't know, that means they now have at least 3 players whose pacts with the Devil have yet to expire. Teams with McDyess don't lose in the first round man, are you nuts? The Grizzlies win one in San Antonio, then lose by 31 points at home.

San Antonio, 4-2

Los Angeles vs New Orleans

Phil Jackson is about to have a jarring realization that maybe Derek Fisher isn't the guy to start at PG for a championship team in 2011. Chris Paul is going to make this guy look silly. I mean, Fisher barely plays defense against mediocre PGs. Fortunately for me, this means getting to see some serious (Maryland alert!) Steve Blake action, contingent of course on him overcoming the chicken pox. What a sheltered childhood that guy led. The Lakers are too big and too mean, and Hornets leading scorer David West isn't even playing.

Los Angeles, 4-0

Dallas vs Portland

Lot of noise around Portland pulling an upset and Dallas flaking out for the umpteenth year. I have only one point: This is not the early 1990s. Portland won't win.

Dallas, 4-2

Oklahoma City vs Denver

Division rivals hit the hardwood in a battle of teams who traded awesome players away. While Raymond Felton now leads the Nuggets in assists and steals for the year, the team's leader in ppg is still Carmelo Anthony. Sure, the Thunder will miss Jeff Green...when they get to the 2nd round. These Knicks castoffs are going to feel the playoff pressure, and crumble in the face of Kevin Durant scoring like all the time.

Oklahoma City, 4-1

Do you hate children or something?

2011-04-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Of course you don't. Hating kids is like hating puppies, and if you hate puppies you are just an asshole. Kids are awesome. Look at this guy:

See, kids are all about the win. So be a good human and donate to a worthy cause: James getting in shape! I'm at least partially kidding. I'm running a 5K for Common Cents, a non-profit organization that teaches young folk how they can be better people and improve the lives of the less fortunate. See, it's not only for kids, it's also for poor people. If you hate kids and poor people, you might as well be Dick Cheney. You're not Dick Cheney, are you? I didn't think so. Help me get to my goal of $375 and you will sleep better at night. Probably. Just do it. Don't be a dick. Cheney.

Click here if you are a good person

Yes, the garbage man can!

2011-03-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's the little things that stand out. On a cold rainy day that has no business being cold or rainy- it's spring, right?- I was stuck on a long block carrying dog poop to the corner. Along comes a garbage truck and the garbage man stops what he's doing to take the bag from me. It wasn't a big deal at all, but he didn't have to do it. He went out of his way to do something nice. You don't see that very often these days. That man is my person of the day.

(Skip ahead 15 minutes in for the goodness)

Am I missing something?

2011-03-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

Duane Reade is acting like this new location above Trader Joe's is on par with clear Pepsi or the return of Jesus. I can literally see two other Duane Reades standing outside the new one.

The yellow mark is the new spot. Notice two other locations immediately next to it, and four others in the area.

So, why the song and dance? Literally, they had people in tuxedos doing coordinated dances to the celebrate the grand return of... Advil and condoms? Well, thanks for the free chips; they were DeLish!

I swear I'm straight

2011-03-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'd like to play a game with you. What do all of these things have in common?

Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Alice in Wonderland
The Birdcage
Sister Act
The Addams Family
Billy Elliot
Catch Me If You Can

Did you say they are all movies? You are soooo behind the times, loser. They're all musicals dummy! Like everything else in Times Square, Broadway is he'll-bent on selling itself to tourists and other generic human beings. Yes, The Lion King and Mary Poppins are successful, well-received musicals. They also happen to be based on movies that were, you know, musicals. Even most of those fail these days. It's almost as if Broadway producers got the memo that Hollywood is having it's most unoriginal year ever and decided to see which industry could alienate the artistic community more. Well, good luck with that Broadway, you're up against an industry that is basing it's art on forgotten toys from the 80s. Who wants to see the Stretch Armstrong* movie? Just kidding, I'm seeing Battleship* opening night.

*Real movies

Next stop: Heartburn

2011-03-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

The venerable Edmund graced me with a most welcome visit recently. I'll save you the bro-love and get to the meat of our week together. By meat, I literally mean animal flesh. Despite our slight frames and rapidly deteriorating internal organs, Edmund and I like ourselves some food. So we set out to stuff ourselves with as much of New York as we could (pun alert!) stomach. With our only plans being go to Queens at some point and don't eat brunch- That's right, no brunch. Although this might shock recent immigrants from Massachusetts and Connecticut reveling in their "authentic" New York experiences, there is more to this city than $18 egg sandwiches and vegan bakeries- we backed our way into a week of indulgence any foodie could get down with. I invite all of you in New York to emulate or top the gauntlet of consumption we put together.

Tehuitzingo tacos: The only Mexican food that comes close to my experience in L.A. The unassuming front of a deli makes way to a miniature Mexican joint in the back. Two flour tortillas, perfectly cooked meat, a smattering of onions and cilantro and your choice of various salsas. Perfect.

Holey Cream donut ice cream sandwiches: Oh, it's worse than you think. They take a homemade donut, top it with three scoops of quality ice cream, dip the top of the donut in glaze and your choice of topping. I had been there once before and shared one when I was very hungry and it still gave me a stomach ache. Ed and I had a whole one each immediately after tacos. Why? Because we are champions.

Sal, Kris & Charlie's: This is where you end up when you Google "best sandiwches in Astoria." It was only 13 inches long and stuffed with about seven different cold cuts. No big deal.

B&H Dairy: One of those places that looks like it's been around for centuries. I've been going there for more than ten years. I'm not a soup person but their soup is consistently excellent and usually served by a guy I could swear has been there since my first visit. Despite being the size of a newsstand, they make fresh challah every day that matches up with any bakery in the city.

Prosperity Dumplings: Named the #2 dumpling in Chinatown for a reason. Why didn't we go to #1? What am I, the answer man? They were delicious and cost a dollar. A perfect warm up for...

Xi'an Famous Foods: This was slightly delayed by getting severely lost in Chinatown. You go on one quest for a bathroom and you get all sorts of turned around down there. Before we knew it we were in a sea of sit-down restaurants that looked no better than the run-of-the-mill joints all over the city. All I wanted was a place that does one thing really well and has at most a counter. Just when we were ready to give up we found this spot. Hand-pulled noodles made right in front of you, served with delicious meats and a hearty amount of a spicy, garlicky sauce I like to call awesome. I can't believe it took me this long to discover this place.

Continental: Okay, so this is a bar and we didn't eat anything there. But I think 5 shots for $10 is worth mentioning when Maker's Mark is one of the options. An ideal place to watch the Knicks blow a win while two girls get waaaay too drunk for 9pm and make out in an empty bar. It wasn't as cool as it sounds. Still, cheap booze!

Momiji Sushi: This was our official tipping point. We covered the cost of our $26 all you can eat sushi with the first of three rounds. We made a couple mistakes with our ordering strategy so we only got through $93 worth. Next time I'll have a plan. That place is about to go broke. Imagine the live action version of this:

They might as well buy me out now and get it over with.

Maoz: It's a chain but that doesn't make it any less delicious. Places like this just go to show you can eat 1000 calories in vegetables if you just have the willpower.

2 Bros Pizza: Sure, we could have gone to a fancy spot like Lombardi's, but this new trend of $1 pizza spots really comes through after a night of healthy drinking. Why would you ever pay more for a slice in Manhattan these days?

Island Burgers and Shakes (for breakfast): Never underestimate a place that only does one or two things and has consistent business. I can't speak for the shakes, but they make burgers or chicken sandwiches with all sorts of topping combinations. Plenty of sauces and sandwiches so big you'll happily let them fall apart.

I'm gonna go ahead and call this a week of win. I'm talking to you, Charlie Sheen.

How do I get on the Do Not Stalk List?

2011-03-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Lately, my spam has been way too specific to be a mere coincidence. Even if you factor in Google and Facebook aggressively whoring my information to the highest bidder- I am convinced it is nearly impossible to completely turn off Facebook privacy violations- there have been some instances of spam creeping me the eff out. This goes beyond your simple Canadian drug ads (totally interested, btw) or Brandi, who totally wants to see you again XOXO; this stuff is starting to tap into details of my life that don't even involve computers.

Just the other morning I helped my father remodel his bathroom. It wasn't planned, there was no email exchange or even a phone conversation about it. I just showed up to say hi and helped him for an hour. Mere minutes after leaving, I got an email inviting me to "Remodel your bathroom today!" The only way the spammers could have known I was working on a bathroom is if they are actually the public acts of a secret organization that watches our every move, cluttering our lives with useless information to throw us off the scent of those who are truly in power. It's just like that movie coming out with Matt Damon. He's a dreamboat.

I think I'm onto something here. Right before publishing, the bathroom email mysteriously disappeared from my inbox. I might not have much time. If I'm never heard from again, you know what to do. Matt Damon must be stopped!

Don't even get me started on rollerblades

2011-02-26T09:53:00.000-08:00

I'm ready to take one for the team. I've started intentionally obstructing bikers on the sidewalk. As my *ahem* lawyer girlfriend will happily explain, bicycles are vehicles and thus subject to the same rules as cars. I'm not suggesting bikers stop at every red light and always ride in the proper direction. Bikers gotta bike. But these people who go flying down the sidewalk past babies, old people and other fragile creatures need to be taught a lesson. I'll leave the rules and regulations to my *ahem!* lawyer girlfriend. I'm more of a vigilante justice kind of guy. From this day forth, I am holding myself internet accountable to put reckless bikers in their place. I solemnly swear to juke, shimmy and swerve my best to slow down these rolling hazards.

I'll even take it one step further get in the way of anyone on a scooter above the age of nine. Scooters aren't really dangerous, but anybody pompous enough to ride one- be it ironic or sincere- under the contrived pretense of faster transportation is beyond pretentious to think they are important enough to endanger the health of pedestrians. If walking is too time-consuming, take the train. If you're such a faux environmentalist that you can't bear the thought of adding your carbon footprint to something that operates with or without you, stop being a douche and ride a bike like a normal person. Of course, you'll probably ride your bike on the sidewalk so you can keep being inconsiderate and selfish.

On our next episode: golf umbrellas in the street are an excellent excuse to yell "Fore!" into executives' ears.

Mis-en-place is for wimps

2011-02-22T23:08:00.000-08:00

As I am wont to do, I cooked a large amount of food ahead of time before I got sucked into the work week. While the primary motivation for this is my ~~thriftiness~~ ~~frugality~~ being cheap, another large part of my planning ahead is that it allows me to engage is greater acts of laziness throughout the week. Having ready-made meals on hand ensures I won't have to expend any effort on it in the coming days. All I've got are the dregs that remain of the incompatible dishes I made four days ago? Great, throw them into a bowl and call it lunch. Yeah, things get weird for me on Thursday.

Looking to avoid my regular mid-week lull, I took my prepping one step further and made everything ahead of time this week. I cooked up a shit ton of sandwich meat and bought some wraps since they won't get soggy while they wait for their day of glory. However, I had to make sure I didn't just eat the same damned sandwich every day or I would literally go mad from monotony.

Just like this, except with sandwiches instead of steroids

I set out to make myself five unique concoctions. Again, allow me to remind you that this venture was borne out of laziness. So I did what any refined gastronome would do: I took out every possible ingredient from the fridge, laid them all out on the counter and threw on a blindfold. Okay, I didn't literally blindfold myself, but I definitely turned a blind eye to logic. No man with a plan combines Thai chili sauce, sun dried tomatoes, tzatziki sauce, coleslaw, pickle relish and broccoli. You know what else that guy won't do? Be as awesome as me. Just ask Barney.

"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

2011-02-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Ah, Bahrain. You took the news spotlight for all of a few hours. It was interesting, yes, but unfortunately for you something happened in America. Nothing too important, but the point is, a thing happened somewhere. Where is Bahrain? I think it's in Cuba or maybe near Finland. I doubt anyone this side of Carmen Sandiego could prove me wrong without using the internet, and even she probably doesn't go to Bahrain much, what with her being Catholic and all.

In Iowa, a male high school wrestler defaulted (i.e. watered-down concession) in of his matches in the state tournament instead of facing his opponent, who happened to be a girl. He claims his faith prevents him from engaging in violent acts with women. His religion? Pentecostal. What is Pentecostal?

If you answered "I don't care", "It's not real", or "Christian", you are correct, and halfway to being able to defeat Watson. If only followers of organized religion had a belief not to engage in violent acts against women in, I dunno, say every other activity and waking moment in life. From the news stories I've seen across this country and the world, I was almost convinced people beat women because of religion. I'm totally down with not fighting women, I think more people should follow that creed really. And right on if this kid lives his life like this. But as far as my view of society goes, that pacifist belief only seems to be applicable to wrestling tournaments and maybe Lilith Fair. Perhaps people could start doing it the other 23 hours of the day.

As long as I'm on the beaten path of providing tangible ideas that will prevent me from ever being elected president, let's get down to brass tacks. I figure there are legitimately only three reasons why this kid didn't want to wrestle her:

1) He might lose to her in front of his family and friends.

2) He might get a boner and then lose to her in front of family and friends.

3) He might win and feel oddly conflicted, suddenly grappling with an urge to sort out the complexities of gender relations in this country, discovering that things in life are far less black and white that high school would have you believe. Examining the textured fabric of our patriarchal society through an objective lens? Yea, cause that's what I think of when I see the word religion.

At least it woke me up

2011-02-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

Dear subway mariachi band,

You guys are pretty cool. Mariachi music isn't really my thing, but you have a tendency to bring levity and cheerfulness to one of the most notoriously grumpy areas of the country. In a world of depressing panhandlers and jesus-peddlers, your sequined southwest-style outfits and infectious smiles are a breath of fresh air. That being said, you guys really need to reevaluate your strategy. I understand everybody has to make a living- shit, I have a "college degree" and I walk dogs- but if I ever see you on the train at 9 AM again, I will smash your accordian with a hammer; a hammer made of rage and crankiness. There isn't a single person on the train at that hour who wants what you're selling. We want coffee and solitude. It's not just irritating, it's bad business. Sleep in and save your energy for when the train is crowded with people excited about their weekends. Nobody who gets up that early on a Saturday is doing something cool. We all hate our lives at that hour. Once you enter my life, I hate you too.

Sincerely,

Jack's eroding facade of pleasantness

Oh, they're real and they're spectacular...

2011-02-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

You might recall my previous post about a certain illegal product being exhibited in full view by a local deli. Shortly after that post, I felt like I'd ruined it for everybody as the sweet, sweet Loko was removed from the window. However, yesterday they came back with even more Four Loko, providing me with more hope and proof of my outlandish claim. Journalistic integrity win in 3...2...1...

Update: ZOMFG!!!#@!!!!11!!>?!!!!! They sell it in the store. I don't know if it's legal, per se, but it's for sale. I'm about to get loko, bitches.

Silly Super Bowl Picks!

2011-02-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

Wow, another Super Bowl I don't care about.

Perhaps I shouldn't complain since my favorite team was in last year's big game, but then again they lost. Aside from that one glorious moment in early 2007, I have to look back to my senior year in high school to find a super bowl that didn't involve either the dreaded Patriots or the dreary/lucksack/dusty finishes-filled Steelers. And best believe when I was 17, I didn't watch a single minute of Bucs v Raiders.

Finally the NFC has a strong brand and halfway decent team representing them. Sure there were the Giants and Saints, two underdogs who proved their worth, but those are the exceptions to a long string of teams such as the Cardinals (yep, it'll never happen again), Bears, Seahawks, McNabb led Eagles, Panthers, Bucs, and before them, the pseudo Rams dynasty. That is a list of crap if I've ever seen one. Meanwhile the AFC has a Steelers, Colts, or Pats representation for the 8th straight year, and 9 out of the last 10.

Predictions:

Ben Roethlisberger makes a series of inexplicable mistakes, some resulting in turnovers. Announcers credit this to his toughness, determination, heroics, and size. Millions of viewers determine this is actually the result of him being from Ohio, where good decisions are illegal.

Donald Driver receives tons of praise for being "old" and has 2 catches for 11 yards.

Aaron Rodgers performs his nauseating "championship belt" gimmick no less than 4 times; announcers love that a white guy celebrates, meanwhile I'm left to wonder why they vilify Chad Ochocinco for his creative and involved post touchdown choreography.

Mike Tomlin never smiles.

James Harrison complains about everything. There are rules bitch. Retire or don't.

Heath Miller makes less impact on the game than Shaun Suisham, who proves that being Canadian does not necessarily make you a good placekicker.

We all reminded why no one likes the color yellow.

Score:

Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 28

Most receiving yards: Emmanuel Sanders

Most rushing yards: no one

Most dropped passes: Hines Ward

Coolest play: Jermichael Finley

Most turnovers: Ben Roethlisberger

Most debonaire player: Mason Crosby

# of Brett Favre references from kickoff to final second, including halftime: 27

# of Vince Lombardi references: 6

# of times the word curtain is said: 56,000

# of poor defensive plays: all of them

Change the style up like Kanye

2011-02-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

Did you think this blog was nothing but frivolousness and self-emasculating snark? Today I've got none of the snark but plenty of the self-emasculating for you. It's time for Banteranter's first ever recipe. I've been tweaking a chili recipe for years and it has always been well-received. If you don't like my recipe, blame my friends for being cowards and lying to my face.

Another Three-Bean Chili Recipe
(You can easily incorporate meat by adding ground beef or ground turkey before the tomato)

2 tablespoons canola oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, crushed and chopped
1 medium green pepper, seeded and chopped

1 medium orange pepper, seeded and chopped

1 30 oz can chopped tomatoes

2 chipotle chiles packed in adobo (or more if you like heat), chopped

2-3 teaspoons adobo from the can (see above)

2 pickled jalapenos, chopped

1 14oz can each black beans, kidney beans and white beans, drained and rinsed

***Spices***

Saute the onion over medium heat for five minutes or until it starts to get a slight char. Add the garlic and peppers and cook for another two minutes. Lower the heat and mix a touch of salt, cayenne pepper and cumin to the pot. Integrate the spices into the veggies and add the tomatoes. Bring the heat back to medium and add the chipotles, adobo and jalapenos. When tomatoes begin to simmer, add the beans and mix everything together. Add spices...

I eyeball my spices so in lieu of specific instructions, take what you will from my spice combination.

Essential spices: Cayenne pepper, paprika, various chili powders (more variety always pays off for me), cumin, onion powder, ginger powder, celery salt.

Optional: Brown sugar, curry powder, garlic powder, cocoa powder.

Secret ingredient: Cinnamon (don't overdo it but I highly recommend sprinkling some in).

Power bombs: Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, peanut butter, dark lager, cider vinegar.

Use a spice combination that you like and lower the heat to a simmer. Cover the pot and and let simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to make sure nothing sticks to the bottom. Serve with any combination of grated cheese, sour cream, cilantro and bacon.

Maybe I'll take some pictures later after doing yoga and buying a $6 croissant so I can complete my transformation to Superyuppie.

iPhone yeah! Champagne yeah!

2011-01-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm just posting to brag about getting an iPhone. Yeah, this would have been cool in 2007. Four years behind the times seems about right for the likes of me.

I'm so jazzed about taking photos on strangers. I got the phone less than a week ago and I've been all up in people's grills in the train in the most awkward conceivable fashion. I am bad at not talking at an extremely high volume or displaying any form of subtlety so it was pretty weird when I pulled the old "pretend like you're posing for a picture so I can photograph that freak over there" right before I left the train. Alas, I'm a shameless asshole, so I get to share things like this:

That was on the L train. That super sexy blue elbow is my girlfriend "posing." If you're unfamiliar, the L train is the magical choo choo train to Hipsterland. I got off on the last stop before Brooklyn. To the surprise of nobody, that woman did not. Then you come across people who are too sad to even bother hiding what you're doing. Take for example the least insecure couple ever:

You can tell how truly happy they are by the way they desperately exhibit their affection for no reason at all. I admired them so much I stood right in front of them and snapped this. Then I put it on Twitter. Yeah, I'm doing that as well. iPhone FTW!

Where are we, Staten Island?

2011-01-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

What is this new trend of wearing sunglasses on the train or, worse yet, in the f'ing dark? Every day I see about three to ten people, most of the them guys with buzz cuts wearing athletic pants- presumably year-round- rocking sunglasses in the gloomiest, snowiest of weather. Before you come at me arguing that snow is white and therefore reflects lots of sunlight, I have two things to say to you: first, have you been outside lately? It is fucking dim and depressing out there; second, the kind of guy who wears sunglasses because snow is bright is not the same guy who wears a jacket so flourescent he looks like he's about to audition for a Kanye West video that may or not be shooting in Tokyo. If that guy was so concerned with preparing for the elements he wouldn't have dressed like a jackass. And if he was trying to convey as much of his personality as possible, I think the pre-ripped jeans were more than enough to advertise that he was a douchebag.

I know this is making me come off as a whiney dork but that doesn't make me wrong. Sunglasses are the least applicable attire in a snowstorm. They decrease visibility in a situation where visibility is valued like dry land in Waterworld or Cindy Crawford in 1993. Self high five for two 90s references in the same sentence! Self high five yourself if you get the WCW reference in the previous sentence. If you don't know about wrestling, prepare to be confused.

Haters be hating

2011-01-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

I have been called "donk of the year" more than once in my life, though never when the other player wins a hand. I have also never been called this in real life, but should that ever happen, it will surely make my day. Apparently I have also won this award more than once per calendar year.

Return of the unread letter

2011-01-24T15:03:00.000-08:00

Dear local bodega owner,

It has come to my attention that you have two bottles of Four Loko prominently displayed in your window. I am formally requesting that you remove these bottles at once. As a local merchant, you must be aware that the precious Loko has been unjustly outlawed in this state. Leaving it out when you know full well that nobody can taste the sweet nectar inside is torture to a Tantalusian degree (let me Google that for you). I can't even begin to comprehend the kind of monster who would do such a thing. The only logical conclusion then is that you are carrying on New York's fine tradition of bodegas of questionable legality by blazing the trail for black market Four Loko sales; in which case you are the worst at doing illegal things discretely. It's not like drug dealers set up shop by putting dime bags out on a table for the world to see. If you want to sell some Loko without getting arrested, you need to post up in the most conspicuously shady manner possible and whisper "I got that Loko" to passersby. I want you to bring the Loko to the people. The people need their Loko. You can be a hero! And I can go back to making a drink called pink lemonade that isn't girly.* Don't waste this opportunity.

Your truly,

No longer partying until sunrise

*Lemonade Four Loko, Vodka, Cranberry juice. Yeah, that's how I roll.

What the What?

2011-01-22T11:28:00.001-08:00

How come European online poker players use the term "lucker"?

1. I don't care

2. You're confused/myopic

3. Way to make it even easier for Americans to make fun of you with a brand of sarcasm you probably won't understand anyway, because your education, health care, society, and general way of life has been far too enjoyable to comprehend our grizzled humor.

That's J-E-Double-F, J-A-Double-R, E-Double-T!

2011-01-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night where Obama didn't run for his party's nomination and the Republicans were favored to win the presidency in 2012. The oddest thing was that their vice presidential candidate was Helena Bonham Carter. I was fairly peeved about the whole business. If Bodog has her at 100,000-1 to win in a couple years I'll take it is a sign that I need to bet the farm.

It's not free, it's mostly free

2011-01-18T15:09:00.000-08:00

This guy knows what I'm talking about

It should be no shocking revelation to you to hear the cost of living is rather high in New York. If that wasn't bad enough, I live in Manhattan, which is basically asking for it. Like so many twenty-somethings with $100k+ pieces of paper these days, I am also ~~somewhat~~ extremely poor. Now I could just give up and move to Queens, but I've got a fake lifestyle to maintain here. In order to keep up my facade of success, I've had to make some adjustments.

Before you got all misty-eyed for the poor middle class white male having to give up his truffle burgers, don't. While I don't eat truffle burgers- on account of me not being a pretentious asshole- I still manage to do most of the things otherwise successful people enjoy. I even eat breakfast certain days of the week. (Thursday is almost here!) I am able to afford such luxuries in part due to the small hustles the world hands to you. Take for example the omnipresent overlord of coffee, Starbucks. Who is this jerk talking about being broke and then buying $4 coffees, you might ask? I'm the asshole who gets free mermaid coffee.

Starbucks has a very reasonable deal of 50¢ refills on any coffee. Even so, a regualr coffee is like two bucks. Why would I pay that when the guy in the street charges 75¢? Because cups are free. Better yet, if you have a Starbucks card, refills are free. Free Cup + Free Card + Diminishing Pride = Free Coffee, Bitches! And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I am honing my radar for any type of place with "Unlimited" toppings. Sure, those toppings are only supposed to go on your sandwich, but who's counting? Tip: Ask for a tray for your sandwich and you're practically set for life. I'm even considering getting into Extreme Couponing. Seriously, this guy got enough cereal to make a pyramid. The only difference between me and him is that sucker gave it away to charity.

So how do this all lead to financial freedom? I also rob banks.

It's T-Shirt Time!

2011-01-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

Week 2 of the playoffs brings with us a supposed breath of fresh air, the continuation of a parity filled season, and many uncertainties. Or so they would have you believe. In my mind, this is standard fare stuff. The NFC playoff contenders are a rag-tag bunch of bums, so much so that the two home teams (those with 1st round byes) are dubious at best, a pair of teams that deserve to be where they are, but have little to no chance of winning or even making the Super Bowl. Meanwhile in the AFC, it's the usual suspects, sans Colts, and shit again comes down to Baltimore at Pittsburgh, a game which couldn't avoid a dusty finish if it tried.

My predictions:

Seattle @ Chicago:

Oh my god, Chicago is a 10 point favorite. For reals. I barely want to discuss this game; Chicago is the 2nd stinkiest of all the original playoff teams (and not second to Seattle...), has an overrated defense, and a often inept offense. Seattle will crush them; seriously they might win by 17, but I'll give a reasonable prediction of Seattle 20, Chicago 10.

Green Bay @ Atlanta:

Welcome to overrated, part deux. Green Bay is smoking hot, and may well have the best defense left in the playoffs, certainly the most overlooked one (Pitt and Baltimore perhaps are better, obviously more notorious). I can't envision GB scoring fewer than 3 touchdowns + some field goal, and I don't think Atlanta is dropping anywhere near 30 without some turnover magic.

Green Bay 31, Atlanta 17

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh:

Ahh the AFC, where football is played well. Here's what I've heard so far about this game:

Blah, blah these teams hate/respect each other. Blah, blah they hit hard. Blah, blah these teams represent the blue collar atmosphere of their respective...zzzzz. Ravens fans are intent on having an "Us against the world" attitude, even if no one is hating/talking about them at all. Supposedly it will be scientifically impossible for this game not to be decided by 3 points.

Pittsburgh: 24, Baltimore, 13.

New York Jets @ New England

Do the Jets suck or what? Get more underserved attention guys. Your defense couldn't be more overrated if you had Asante Samuel and James Harrison on your team.

New England 38, NYJ 21.

I bought something...

2010-12-30T04:47:00.000-08:00

Head on over to the Something Store and see for yourself. Thanks to AGSC for bringing this to my attention.

A different kind of resolution

2010-12-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to make to make New Year's resolutions. Perhaps I never saw the value in deciding the middle of winter was a good time to quit smoking, lose weight and do the other generic thing people tell themselves they will finally do this year- Turns out it's much easier to quit smoking and start exercising during spring in sunny California- or, in a more general sense, using holidays as motivational tools. Also, grumble grumble pessimism bah humbug and so on. So here I am, all positive about life (gross), resolving to start a second blog and become a superfreak. (Aside: Listen Blogger, as your name suggests, this is a fucking blog. Vernacular abounds in your world. Stop telling me superfreak isn't a word.) These resolutions are of little or no actual importance since my ability to carry them out has little to do with a calendar. The resolutions of mine that matter to my life do not involve December, January or any specific timeframe at all.

While listening to one of the two podcasts I subscribe to, I heard a story from Ted Leonsis, owner of the Washington Wizards and Washington Capitals. His story has nothing to do with sports, but it might have helped him get involved in sports. As the story goes, Ted Leonsis was on a plane that had an emergency landing. After experiencing a near-near-death experience, Leonsis took it upon himself to make a list of 101 things to do before he died. It's not a bucket list, per se, it's more of a guideline for how he wanted to live his life. The entire first section of the list is dedicated to raising a family. In fact, most of the list consists of the normal things one might hope to accomplish in a "complete" life. But then there are some loftier goals thrown in there. Owning a sports team is there. So is having a net worth of $100 million. He's got both of those checked off. He's fifty-three years old and he's done more than eighty things from his list.

I got inspired enough to make my own list. I quickly realized that it isn't about putting your whole life on a piece of paper. I came to think of it as more of a loose outline for the next 60-75 years. No schedule, no real plan, just some broad ideas of how I'd like things to play out. Am I going to laminate it and keep it in a safe place for the rest of my life? Probably not. But I find it comforting to have a record of what I would like out my life. Like Leonsis, I have a lot of general family stuff. The first three things on my list are get married, have kids, have grandkids. I didn't get as optimistic to think I can realistically own a sports team- not until I win the lottery anyway. There's still some cool stuff I hope to achieve. Did you know I'm going to run a marathon, host a radio show and make my own whiskey? I'm also going skydiving before I have kids. By the way, I'm afraid of heights.

Whether or not I come close to completing my list is beside the point. I wrote it all down to motivate myself to shoot for a life I'd be proud of. I'm giving myself a reason do all the bullshit. In this season of short-term thinking, I'm looking for some long-term inspiration. Even if I come up drastically short of getting it all done, the value of this list is in everything else that happens along the way. I might even settle for having a family and nothing else. Owning a jet pack would be pretty sweet too. You know, just in case.

*Listen to the B.S Report interview with Ted Leonsis
*Look at Leonsis's list

Seriously, where's my prize?

2010-12-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

As part of my never-ending quest to be comically behind the curve, I just finished Blink the other day. Criticism aside- I found that it lacked any kind of conclusion to explain why it's content matters in the first place- it got me thinking about first impressions. In this instance, first impressions in celebrity sightings. Being from New York and having spent time in LA, I've seen plenty of celebrities and most of them have been fleeting moments. Just long enough to get a first impression. In all of these cases I felt that these people were doing something that made perfect sense for them. Why am I talking about this now? And why did I tie Blink into it? Because I wanted to brag about finishing. I went to film school, let me have my moment!

Just the other day I crossed paths with two of New York's finest Jew-y celebrities within ten minutes of each other. Richard Kind of Spin City fame was walking his kid home from school. (P.S 87 if you're an Upper West Side person) As soon as I saw him in the act of fathering it seemed like the only thing Richard Kind could possibly be doing on a Tuesday. Doesn't this guy just look like a dad ? Five blocks later I spotted poker player Erik Seidel walking out of the 72nd St train station. If you've ever been on the Upper West Side, you know how perfect it was to see this millionaire in old plain slacks, New Balance shoes and a beat up brown sweater. He might as well have been Woody Allen. If you're wondering who the hell Erik Seidel is, he is best known for a movie that has been discussed by so many novice poker players it makes me not like Matt Damon. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not like Matt Damon? Hint: Douchebags with chinstrap beards can brew up a special blend of vitriol inside a man.

Sticking with the Jews in New York theme, my encounter with Lewis Black made me worry for the man's health. Dude was straight up talking to himself. I'm not talking about struggling to retain a thought. This guy was angry about something and he wanted himself to know about it. After telling my mom about this, she recounted her own Lewis Black story and said he was equally worked up when she saw him. She even had a brief conversation with him. She's a Jewish mom, she thinks she can be friends with everybody. I really didn't plan on writing about this many New York Jews when I started this post. Also, "New York Jews" looks a lot like "New York Jets." That's it, this post has gotten out of control.

One final note: I read a book! Yay me! Where's my prize?

Mail Time!

2010-12-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Old woman who comes to the dog park without a dog,

You can't bring a laundry cart full of magazines and snacks and then get upset when the dogs show interest in said cart. People take their dogs to the dog run so they can run free and smell whatever the hell they want. I thought it was well understood that when you enter the dog run, you are relinquishing your right to be hypersensitive about dogs. If all you want to do is sit on a bench and read there are literally hundreds of benches throughout the park where you can do that without worrying about unleashed dogs smelling your precious AARP magazines. "But then I won't get to see dogs," you might retort. I assure you that the dogs in the park do not appear out of thin air. If you sit on one of the benches at the entrance to the park, I promise you will get your fix of dog sightings. If you want to actually interact with the dogs, might I suggest you leave the cart at home and bring a tennis ball. If you don't have the budget for a tennis ball I'm sure a stick will be just fine. Dogs aren't very smart. They will be easily fooled by anything dangling from your hand.

Sometimes you just sit there and read magazines. As I have already explained, there are more suitable options if you have no interest in dogs. It seems to me that going to the dog park only adds inconvenience to your day. Wouldn't it make more sense to go where the dogs won't interrupt your reading? Who goes to the dog park just to be bothered? Perhaps you just want to stand out. That's not just awkward, it's kinda sad.

This idea that you just want attention kind of makes sense to me. After all, for somebody who doesn't own a dog, you seem to be overly concerned with enforcing the rules. I know the rules state nobody can bring more than four dogs, but please stop complaining about this. They shouldn't do it, but those guys are working and need to keep the dogs busy. They might bring too many dogs to the park, but you bring too little. Zero to be exact. And why do you always seem to pick on my boss and never that creepy bald guy with all the mean dogs? Is it because he looks like a neo-Nazi? Because he totally does. Still, you weird me out more than he does. And trust me, something is definitely off with that guy.

Hoping you find whatever it is you're looking for,

James

Not cool

2010-12-15T17:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Soy Sauce Packets,

Really? REALLY? You've been doing the same spiel for my whole life. For almost twenty-six years now you have shown no improvement whatsoever. You make me feel like the true purpose of your existence is not to transport delicious salty goodness to Chinese food but rather to make competent, even intelligent, humans feel inadequate, incapable and downright useless. You even manage to intensify these feelings of futility by punishing rather than rewarding outbursts of rage that you yourself bring about. Next time I'm opening the duck sauce just to make you feel unappreciated.

Love,

James

I'm rich!

2010-12-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

I never got the memo that taking my laptop to Starbucks was sooooooo 2005, so I still go there to write and/or feast on the blood of small businesses. I was writing a post there the other day when I decided it would be more fun to pretend I was a spy. I found myself sitting next to a good old fashioned crazy burnout. You know the type: every article of clothing made out of denim, shoes that very possibly lacked soles, hair past his shoulders, oddly well-groomed soul patch? It didn't take me very long to pick up on the crazy. It's easy when it's all god this, apocalypse that. Most of the time he was just mumbling to himself, obsessing over the massive stack of handwritten notes he either had for the last five years or had written entirely the night before. Every once in a while he would come out of his shell to proclaim his superiority or wealth to those around him. Despite sitting right next to this man, I risked myself for you, the readers, by recording his best quotes. All of this is exactly as it occurred over the course of an hour. All of this was spoken to himself unless noted otherwise.

I'm not like you people. You think I'm one of you?

God is good, you know?

How can we laugh when satan is on the podium?

I'm rich!

I gotta buy some mittens, man.

(After speaking to me) We're rich!

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

I'm very rich.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

Very happy, very humble, very happy, very rich

You people provoke me to jealousy with your pride, with your arrogance. The holy ghost hates you people. But anyway lets get back to what happened to this guy.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

(After a particularly awkward exchange with two girls in costume for a music video whom he convinced to sit down in the chairs across from us despite my very unsubtle head shaking.) Didn't I see you before? You're from Africa? No? That must have been some other girl.

(About his iPod) Cult awareness packet.

(Counting on his fingers) Very, very, very, very, very RICH.

Not a problem. I'm very rich. I'm about 5 for 7. What are you?

Did you ever see a pastor with down syndrome bleed from the mouth? I did.

With these people it's like pulling teeth trying to ask them about the lord.

And that is how I learned that rich people love god almost as much as they love denim.

Citizen of the Year

2010-12-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Cinema Enthusiast,

I just want to say I really admire what great lengths you go to in your effort to ensure you never go a moment without entertainment. Even on a crowded train at rush hour, complete with a young mother struggling to find a comfortable place to stand with her baby in a stroller, you bravely took up two seats so you could maximize your viewing experience. Not only did you spread your legs out- essentially taking up a good chunk of yet another seat- for maximum comfort, you exhibited true dedication by occupying an entire seat with your tiny book bag and DVD case. After all, if you're going to watch a movie on a portable DVD player the size of a small book, it really is essential to take every possible measure to protect your personal bubble.

I hope you were not so engrossed by fast forwarding to the good scenes in Heat that you didn't notice my expressions of appreciation. It was truly an honor to be in your presence as I sat much closer to you than necessary, slowly creeping over into your space as you finally resorted to squeezing your legs together and ultimately crossing them over in a fashion I thought was only achievable by contortionists. I was especially impressed by how upset you were at me for invading your space. Only a true artist such as yourself could be this oblivious to the irony the situation. Even as we entered Manhattan and the train reached critical mass, you kept your focus firmly on watching your movie on a screen the size of a wallet. If only we could all be like you. You sir, are a hero to us all.

Sincerely,

Wish I was as classy as you

Maybe they're just jealous I wear sweatpants to work

2010-12-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

As you may know, I've been working as a dog walker for the past month. This is generally the epitomy of awesome. I get paid to walk around and play with dogs. Yup, win all around. Perhaps the only downside to the job is the buildings I go to. A lot of these buildings are freshly opened condos for the newly married (and newly rich) young couples. This is in NO WAY a judgment of my clients. I even like the Republican clients with "Going Rogue" on the coffee table. (They are surprisingly nice and their dog is the man) What gets under my skin is the attitude in these buildings.

First, I find it beyond awkward having a revolving door, um, revolved for me. The whole point of a revolving door is that it's easy to use. There are even two regular doors on either side if people really need doors held for them. But here these guys are, jump starting the convenience for me. Isn't that like getting carried up an escalator?

(Speaking of escalators)

Of course, the pandering and placating dies as soon as they remember I am but a lowly dog walker. Then I need a personal escort to the service elevator, lest I ruin the pompous ambience. Oh no! Heaven forbid a commoner take a regular elevator. This would ruin the fine oak interior of this state of the art upward propulsion device. A rube such an myself could never operate such an advanced machine. Best send the super up with me. That way you ensure i will get to my destination safely and wont muck up the hallways with my stench of the working class.

Okay, rant over, back to gloating about my job. I get paid to do this:

She's two pounds! I win? I win.

Failure

2010-11-25T05:10:00.000-08:00

Listen ESPN, when I wake up at 8 am on Thanksgiving I expect to see Mike and Mike, not Doug and Marcellus. You think you can just throw any nerd and jock combination in there and we won't even notice? If that is your policy then you might as well cut costs and hire me. I'm like a nerd and a jock all rolled into one with approximately 28 personalities in between. You can even call it James and James. Doesn't that sound better than Doug and Marcellus? Happy Columbus Day.

A letter to a letter

2010-11-22T21:26:00.001-08:00

Dear C,

You are fuking useless. You're not fooling anybody by akting like K needs you to go first. K and S spread rumors about you behind your bak. That's what you get for thinking too highly of yourself, asshole.

Love,

25 useful letters

Brian St Pierre sounds like an expressionist painter, not a quarterback

2010-11-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

Week 11 Picks:

oakland (+7) vs PITTSBURGH

houston (+7) vs NEW YORK JETS

CAROLINA (+13.5) vs baltimore

TENNESSEE (-7) vs washington

DALLAS (-6) vs detroit

MINNESOTA (+3) vs green bay

CINCINNATI (-4.5) vs buffalo

JACKSONVILLE (-2) vs cleveland

KANSAS CITY (-7) vs arizona

seattle (+12) vs NEW ORLEANS

atlanta (-3) vs ST LOUIS

tampa bay (+3) vs SAN FRANCISCO

indianapolis (+4) vs NEW ENGLAND

PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) vs new york giants

denver (+10) vs san diego

Upset Specials: Tampa Bay, Indianapolis, Oakland, Minnesota

Record for the year: 69-52-2

Upset Special Record: 18-22

Point/Counterpoint

2010-11-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

To girls who wear tights in public like they are pants: Your low self-esteem is showing.
To dancers that do the same thing: Thank you.

No Way! Way!

2010-11-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

As is prone to happen with any four year old computer, my Macbook and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch in our otherwise smooth relationship. My charger decided it was time to start failing, which is kind of an emergency when your battery already dies after ~45 minutes. I bought a new charger from a third party and order was restored for two wonderful weeks. Then my charger started failing intermittently again. Lots of expert jiggling, fidgeting and finagling would make my computer retain the charge again... as long as I sat perfectly still. Yeah, not exactly a solution. So I conceded defeat and went to the Genius Bar prepared to part with money I don't even really have.

If you've never been to the Genius Bar, it's about as geeky as you expect it. They guy behind the counter knows everything about your Mac and he is less than thrilled to explain it to you, his hundredth customer of the day. So there I was, sauntering up all cool and confident in my scarf, acting like I had half a clue what was wrong with my computer. The dude took one look at my bootleg charger and gave me a look of disdain I thought was reserved for ~~Obama~~ Hitler (What's the difference, really?). He quickly grabs my charger and says, "I'll be back in five minutes." I sit there contemplating whether I can afford a new computer or if I can pretend to be off the grid while I save up that sweet, sweet dog walking money. Then he comes back and hands me a charger. "This isn't in inventory, so you can just take it." Excuse me? You're giving me something... for free? In 2010? At a huge chain store? Did they just fire you?

I would say it's karma, but I really don't do that much good for the world, unless you count not going on a killing spree as a good deed. I just got straight up lucky. I thought that was only something that happened in movies. What's next, am I gonna bond with the quirky girl over liking an indie band a million people listen to but we pretend only we know about? No, that's fucking stupid. Now, in honor of the title of this post...

Time to wrap tourists in bubble wrap

2010-11-15T06:54:00.001-08:00

Dear Naive Tourist,

That was adorable how you had your kid on your shoulders in the train. Better yet, it was a totally harmless way to entertain your child. As we all know, the MTA's claim to fame is the smooth handling of its subway cars. It is 100% safe to uneasily rest a child on your fat shoulders, leaving his head a mere six inches away from the roof. What could possibly go wrong? Thank you for showing us the kind of decision-making prowess that goes into successful parenting. You are an example to us all.

Sincerely,

Child Protective Services

Week 10 Picks

2010-11-14T09:57:00.001-08:00

cincinnati (+7) vs Indianapolis

JACKSONVILLE (-1) vs houston

MIAMI (pick) vs tennessee

minnesota (-1) vs CHICAGO

detroit (+1.5) vs BUFFALO

CLEVELAND (+3) vs new york jets

carolina (+7) vs TAMPA BAY

kansas city (-1.5) vs DENVER

SAN FRANCISCO (-6) vs st louis

seattle (+4) vs ARIZONA

dallas (+14) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

new england (+4.5) vs PITTSBURGH

WASHINGTON (+3) vs philadelphia

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Detroit, Cleveland, New England, Washington

Yearly Record: 63-45-2

Upset Special record: 17-19

Stuff I've learned

2010-11-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Halfway through the NFL season, and league parity doesn't seem so significant anymore. One 0-8, two 1-7, and four 2-6 teams will kind of do that, and while no one team seems to be hogging the victories, there are still a swath of teams you just know won't make the playoffs, even those with 3+ victories.

For starters, Buffalo may be the best 0-8 team I've ever seen. To the contrary, Chicago is easily the worst of any team with 5 or more wins (they're 5-3), and I believe a lock to miss the playoffs entirely. The NFC north and west divisions will field a combined zero wild card teams, but I maintain gleeful hope that the NFC west winner will have a losing record and then make the super bowl. Nothing to confuse pundits like any kind of gray area.

Realistically, I believe the NFC wild card can only come down to New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, New Orleans, Tampa Bay, with Washington, Seattle, and probably in some peoples' minds Chicago as potential contenders, though 2 of the better teams mentioned will win their divisions. Seattle won't win enough road games, Washington isn't good enough to make the playoffs without sweeping the Giants, and Tampa Bay has a shaky defense. I think the Eagles, Packers, Saints, and 49ers will win their respective divisions, with Giants and Falcons as wild card playoff entrants.

As for the AFC, I've learned to take the points on Buffalo as much as feasible, but avoid picking them as an upset special for the rest of the season. Still, I feel good that they were my choice to finish with the over worst league record prior to the season starting. In the classic AFC vs NFC battle, it seems clear that tiers 1.5-whatever are better in the AFC. Tough to tell if the AFC south is the best division in football; I believe even without a consensus amazing top team, it still is. Even Jacksonville, beleagured and mocked consistently by many, is 4-4, and has a potent enough offense to warrant being the division bottom dwellar in the league.

Denver, on the other hand, is simply deplorable. Without two of their remaining games consisting of NFC west competition, they would surely finish 3-13. I still don't buy into the Browns as a legitimate force to be reckoned with, but they seem to have a great chance of further humiliating the Bengals by finishing decisively ahead of them, avoiding being the last place team in the AFC north. I can't really tell what the deal with Miami is: they don't seem very good, and they certainly don't seem like they're going to pull out many games decided in the 4th quarter. It seems like a case of beating bad teams and losing to good ones, and 9-7 isn't making it into the AFC playoffs this year.

I like the New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, and San Diego Chargers to win their respective divisions, with the Steelers and Patriots to get in as wild card teams. Hardly a leap I'm taking.

You're all wrong

2010-11-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Sandwiched between Brett Favre's dick picks, Vikings players anonymously hating Brad Childress, and this Cam Newton business, the biggest sports controversy of the last month somehow managed to be Kevin Garnett's comments towards Charlie Villanueva.

It's just so ridiculous that people are up in arms about this, that sports fans with no ties to either player and no knowledge of the incident get so up in arms, supposedly completely offended. To me, this shows one of the worst characteristics of human nature: that people act obnoxiously pious in cases where they are not actually personally offended, but rather because they either a) think they should be offended, b) are overly influenced by media over-saturation, c) seize any opportunity to hate on a guy vilified throughout his career despite no off the court issues, and/or d) can't pass up the chance to try and tell the world how a successful black guy should be acting.

I grew up being bad at basketball, playing against overly competitive kids, and let me tell you, this cancer comment is pretty vanilla for trash talk. If I were an NBA player, I might be out on the court telling Kobe I have one of his kids tied up in my basement, or yelling at Gilbert Arenas that he owes me money for that Tonk game from the other night. It's all about psychological distractions.

The most amusing thing to me is what Garnett said afterwards. I don't know what he said during the game, but he claimed the statement was that Villanueva is cancerous to his team and the league. It just seems hard to imagine, that in the heat of the moment amid the frenetic pace of professional basketball that Garnett would have the time and patience to articulate this statement, one which seems rather verbose for trash talk. Does Villanueva even have the time during the game to get offended at this? "Man I missed so many shots, can you believe Kevin Garnett thinks I'm detrimental to the Pistons and the NBA? That guy is totally in my head now. And at halftime he read me an insulting limerick and attacked me for my stance on unilateral trade agreements!"

What's even more hilarious is that Garnett din't apologize to Villanueva, or say something like "Yea it was a shallow joke in the heat of the moment, happens all the time." Rather he takes the time to explain the problems he sees in Villanueva, taking the line of a far more signficant, career-oriented insult, attacking characteristics Villanueva actually has under his control. It's like if I made fun of a guy with a stupid sweater to his face, then decided afterwards to write an op-ed for the whole country, explaining that the sweater isn't the issue, but rather a small symbol of the deluge of poor decisions and life mistakes that have befallen this dude, that he'd be better off not seen in society at all. But to everyone else, the cancer comment was more hurtful?

And here I am getting offended that breast cancer charities brand their products with slogans like "save the ta-tas". People should think more before having opinions; it's a lot more gratifying that way.

I Tried

2010-11-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

I try to be a good ~~citizen~~ socialist. I try to do my small part to not be just a member of the deluded masses. I resist the urge to engage in the dozens of opportunities to propogate the culture of consumerism. The world is tyring to make me fail.

I had simple goals: Coffee, some time out of the house, a comfortable seat to write in. I remembered the local coffee shop proudly claiming "Free WiFi" in its windows. Wonderful, I thought, I'll feel much better about spending $4 on coffee it it supports a small business owner. What did it get in return? A little card with a password for a whopping half hour of free internet, upon the completion of which I would have to pay for continued use of the "free" internet. Fuck you, world! That's what I think of your precious internet. Do you know what options you leave me with for internet in the outside world? Starbucks and fucking McDonalds.

Where am I writing this from? A Starbucks, obviously. You know why? Seriously, you know why. I just told you. If you already forgot, stop reading this and go immediately to your doctor. You are Memento.

How many miles does it take to get a self-esteem badge?

2010-11-09T16:40:00.001-08:00

The marathon was cool on Sunday. I actually ended up in the area where all the runners left the park after they finished and I looked in admiration as they recuperated in their space wraps. A lot of them were wearing medals, which is totally cool when you just finished a marathon and you're all decked out in running gear surrounded by other runners. You know when it's not cool? When you're wearing a suit on your way to work. I counted no less than twenty people yesterday walking around in street clothes rocking their marathon medals. That was literally so yesterday. Now go back to your regular life and stop acting so smug. I'd offer the customary "do you want a medal or something?" put down but you did get a medal. So chill the eff out and stop acting like you solved world hunger. Go back to trading stocks and neglecting your children. I'll acknowledge your athletic prowess when you run a supermarathon and live to talk about it.

Rob Rob Rob, Rob Birrrronassss

2010-11-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

Yea, I went 12-0 last week, no big deal.

Picks for Week 9:

BUFFALO (+3) vs chicago

san diego (-3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs CAROLINA

arizona (+8) vs MINNESOTA

tampa bay (+10) vs ATLANTA

BALTIMORE (-5) vs miami

SEATTLE (+7.5) vs new york giants

OAKLAND (+1) vs kansas city

indianapolis (+3) vs PHIILADELPHIA

GREEN BAY (-7.5) vs dallas

CINCINNATI (+5) vs pittsburgh

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Indianapolis, Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Oakland, Cincinnati

Record so far this year: 56-43

Upset Special record: 16-15

Mommy I'm scared!

2010-11-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not afraid of extremists. Extremists are, by definition, a very small part of the whole. They might occasionally stir the pot with a bombing or protest, but they don't make any significant differences. What do we do when the extremists become the norm? I get it, people are angry. We're all angry. The economy is in the shitter and there is no way it's going to change any time soon. I fail to see why this should add up to electing inexperienced, reactionary, naive, opportunistic people to some of our nation's highest offices. Today American citizens are going to elect people who preach about the importance of the Constitution but don't know the First Amendment. People who think the answer to our economic crisis is to stop paying teachers. People who would rather cut public services than scale back wars that spend ten times as much money. These are people too patient to let the president enact changes so they think the answer is to bring back policies of a president who they gave eight years to destroy any prosperity we had. Poor people are voting for people who only want to serve the rich. The top one percent doesn't need public schools or social security; the rest of the country does. People are seriously counting on padding the pockets of our wealthiest citizens in hopes that it will all trickle down. Yeah, because that wen't so well 25 years ago. It could trickle down, or it won't and the middle class will disappear. I hope I'm overreacting.

Snarf!

2010-11-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

4:10pm

I just voted...by paper ballot! Take that.

Everyone seems to think it will be complete disaster for the Democrats. Most seats will, as they do every election, not change party hands. The problem is that it doesn't look like Democrats can pick up any senate seat represented by a Republican, unless craziness ensues from the 3 way whackiness in Alaska and Florida. Still, I think they can afford to lose 7, and maybe 8 seats (depending on how Joe Lieberman is feeling) and still be in power.

Nearly everyone sees Blanche Lincoln losing in Arkansas to her challenger. Somehow that would only give Republicans one of the 2 Arkansas senate seats. She's kinda whack anyway. I think Democrats are safe in California, Hawaii, Maryland, New York (x2), Oregon and Vermont (all seats they hold). The close ones are Washington, Colorado, Wisconsin, Nevada, Illinois, West Virginia and Pennsylvania.

Russ Feingold, the incumbent from Wisconsin, is awesome. He's the only senator to have voted against the Patriot Act at a time when everyone decided to freak out in another case of Republicans overtly pulling some grandiose big government shit. Much to my chagrin, he appears to be trailing.

Joe Sestak (D) seems to have pulled the PA race for Arlen Specter's old seat. Maybe he's not favored, but they always seem to say PA will be close, and then poof. I think Democrats retain PA, lose WI (nooooo!), and edge out dead even contests in WA and CO. Like I said earlier, I believe Angle will lose to Reid.

David Vitter is a total skeezbag, but will probably get re-elected in Louisiana, where views on married guys using escort services are probably not that frowned upon. And the only reason I care about that is because he's just a pious hypocrite. Also Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) will easily get re-elected too I'm sure, despite being maybe the single worst U.S. Senator.

Basically Democrats will lose Arkansas, North Dakota, Indiana, and Wisconsin. Thus, they need

3 out of the following 6 battleground states (and all others currently held) to retain power as is (2 independents caucus with Democrats):

Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Illinois, Colorado, Nevada, Washington

Final Prediction: Republicans pick up 6 Senate seats, not enough to take power.

They called it 'Ballot Bowl 2010'

2010-11-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

1:30 pm

First polls don't close for a few hours. Nonstop coverage on TV, but I can't find out anything. These folks are getting vanilla; presumably because they don't want to look wrong on TV the one day a year there are actually results?

I never liked Haley Barbour. He paints himself as this salt of the earth, funny, amiable southern guy, kind of like Foghorn Leghorn, but he's been completely consumed by the worst of the Washington political mindset. I have a soft spot in my heart for Mississippi, my mom lived and taught there, it's a very democratic state in its own right and on the local level, and most importantly, I have a hard time believing this guy's policies serve the interests of a chunk of the very people who are voting for him. The difference actually, is that Foghorn Leghorn rarely left the farm. I mean he probably wore his fair share of suits, but didn't go off to town and become a lobbyist before coming back to the farm to try to run things.

Paying attention to polls I hate/don't care about is tough, so I don't really know what's going to happen tonight. I heard a few things, all of which sound stupid. I'll be throwing a few predictions in here now and again.

To start off, let's not kid ourselves and think California is going Republican. It has about 17 million house seats so I can't really speak on that. Orange County is probably staying red? Democrats lose seats maybe. Boxer is certainly winning, and I think Democrats take the gubernatorial race also.

Additionally, I think this election will put psychos on blast. For being irrelevant, that is. O'Donnell, Angle, and Fiorina will lose. Hoping Ehrlich doesn't win here in Maryland.

This Lions Game is Boring Already

2010-10-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

Week 8 Picks:

SAN FRANCISCO (-2) vs denver

jacksonville (+6.5) vs DALLAS

DETROIT (-3) vs washington

green bay packers (+6.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

ST LOUIS (-3) vs carolina

miami (-1) vs cincinnati

buffalo(+7) vs KANSAS CITY

SAN DIEGO (-5) vs tennessee

tampa bay (+3) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (-3) vs seattle

NEW ORLEANS (-1) vs pittsburgh

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) vs houston

Upset Specials: Green Bay, Buffalo

Lock of the Week: New Orleans (-1)

Even the Timberwolves are undefeated today

2010-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

I love October. The obnoxious children who fill the streets in the summer are back in prison, I get to wear jackets without sweating and the sweet stretch of alcohol-friendly holidays is on the horizon. Yes, October is that wonderful time of year where the tedium of heat waves and baseball is replaced by the excitement of OMG THE NBA STARTS TODAY! Miami Thrice, Kobe is old, Durant is incredible, the Knicks are legitimate, so are the Bulls... happiness overload! Here are some of the thoughts running through my head as we count down to tip off...

It doesn't matter how many injuries the Heat have as long as they are healthy for the playoffs. Let Mike Miller miss three months. This team could win 50 games playing 5 on 4. However...

Miami is not going to win the Eastern Conference. Despite their abundance of top 15 talent, the Celtics and Magic are excellent teams that are built to beat Miami. If we are to believe the hype, Dwight Howard spent his summer refining his offensive game with Hakeem Olajuwon. He has the potential to become the go to guy on offense, which makes his incredibly scary and a serious contender for MVP...

Which is going to won by Kevin Durant anyway. I actually watched some of the World Championships this summer. If I didn't know how old Durant is, I would probably guess between 24 and 28. He's 22 years old. 22! He's barely done with puberty. This guy is a natural leader and has a work ethic comparable to...

Kobe Bryant, who is still the best player in the world. He's older, he's hurt, he will rip your fucking heart out. The only thing on Kobe's mind is the number 6, as in 6 time champion. He is already in the discussion for best of all time. What will we say if he ties Jordan? The Lakers are still a stacked team and they made great acquisitions in Steve Blake and Matt Barnes in the summer. Blake gives them much needed depth at point guard while Barnes is like Ron Artest 2.0; two maniacs to get under opponents' skin and elite defenders. Speaking of defense...

Knicks still don't play no defense. But we have Amare! And we very possibly will get Carmelo. In fact, it looks like the only thing that could keep Melo out of a Knicks jersey is an increasingly unlikely trade to New Jersey. It might not happen until next year, but Melo is coming to The Garden baby! Wishful thinking...

No, wishful thinking is saying the Knicks will get Melo and Chris Paul, which they totally will. Miami can have its big three. New York's big three is going to have a point guard. No defense, but point guards! Hooray?

Anywho, might as well post some predictions before the season officially starts.

Biggest drop off (besides Cleveland): Suns, Bobcats
New playoff teams: Knicks, Clippers, Grizzlies
Dangerous contenders: Bulls, Spurs

West Finals: Lakers over Thunder
East Finals: Celtics over Magic
(That means Kobe vs. Shaq people)

NBA Finals: Lakers over Celtics

A post about cats

2010-10-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Sike! It's a real life equation.

2 kittehs + 1 box = The best game of musical chairs ever

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

2010-10-25T08:42:00.001-07:00

Ah, the fat comedian. Is there anything more lovable the world today? Duh, puppies. Also cheeseburgers. And jet packs. But fat comedians are still pretty cool. However, I find it unfair to simply group every large comedian into the same category. "Fluffy" Gabriel Iglesias has made significant strides in the field of obesity definitions. I would like to take the opportunity to expand on his revelations and present a new scale of the measurement: Levels of Fat in Comedy. This study hopes to correctly define the characteristics of the various stages to be outlined herein. The scale will progress from the once-skinny to those resigned to their fates.

Levels of Fat in Comedy

Middle-aged: Like so many great men to come before them, middle-aged comedians are subject to the perils of aging. This stage of fat is reserved for the guys who were skinny their whole lives, took it for granted, and are now stuck with a saggy gut and a pudgy face for the next 40-50 years. The patron saint of this group is Adam Sandler. Not only does he literally embody the characteristics of this level, his recent body of work reflects the attitude of it's inhabitants: tired, jaded, just plain too old for this shit. With all the vigor of their youth stripped from them forever, comedians in this category have nothing left but to half-heartedly reach for what they once had. Dane Cook will be there in no time.

Note: Certain comedians are fit enough to stay away from this and transition into the old and crazy brand of comedy. Take a look at Chris Rock to see what I'm talking about.

Second note: George Carlin was always skinny but you can't pigeonhole him as old and crazy. He was crazy from birth.

Bloated: Think John Belushi. He was never skinny, but it's not like the guy was tipping scales either. He was just kind of... round and robust. This is the sweet spot of comedy obesity. You're fat enough to make fun of, but not to the point where it's all you can do with yourself. However, this does require you to have some level of comedic talent. If you find yourself bloated and unfunny, your only choice is to be Kevin James. But if you are fortunate enough to be bloated and funny, your idol is Zach Galifianakis.

Big guy: We all know guys like this. At rest, they appear to be your everyday run of the mill fat guy But once they move, you find yourself amazed by the ease and grace with which these men are able to move. We like to describe this by saying "he really carries his weight well." Cedric the Entertainer has that "just a big guy" thing going for him. It's just the way he is, man. I bet he even dances well. You know, because he carries himself well.

The first thing people notice: Sadly, this is where Chris Farley ultimately ended up. He was a lot more than a fat comedian, but he ballooned to the point where it had to be acknowledged. At the peak of his powers, his weight was an asset in his bag of tricks. By the end it limited him to being a parody of himself (and that only works in you're French). When comedians hit this point, there's no turning back. It has to be acknowledged at some point in their act. Even if they lose the weight, they will most likely end up discussing weight loss in their new act. A comedian this fat not talking about being fat would be like a black comedian not talking about race relation or a female comedian not talking about feminism. Stop acting so indignant. It's not racist/sexist if it's true.

Did I miss a level? Do you hate the whole thing? Comment with ideas and criticism.

What if Every Team Had a MIke Williams, or week of the field goal spread

2010-10-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Predictions for Week 7:

(Pick on left, home team in caps)

MIAMI (+3) vs pittsburgh

ATLANTA (-3.5) vs cincinnati

jacksonville (+9) vs KANSAS CITY

philadelphia (+3) vs TENNESSEE

washington (+3) vs CHICAGO

NEW ORLEANS (-13) vs cleveland

buffalo (+14) vs BALTIMORE

san francisco (-3) vs CAROLINA

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs st louis

SEATTLE (-7) vs arizona

SAN DIEGO (-3) vs new england

oakland (+7) vs DENVER

minnesota (+3) vs GREEN BAY

new york giants (+3.5) vs DALLAS

Locks of the Week: SF (-3), TB (-3)

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Miami, Philadelphia, Washington, Oakland, Minnesota, NYG

Record so far this year: 37-36

Upset Special Record: 12-11

Bumgarner, Hedgecock, Wisconsin...What's the link?

2010-10-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

My predictions for week 6:

san diego (-8) vs ST LOUIS

kansas city (+4.5) vs HOUSTON

baltimore (+3) vs NEW ENGLAND

new orleans (-5) vs TAMPA BAY

PHILADELPHIA (-3) vs atlanta

detroit (+10) vs NYG

CHICAGO (-6) vs seattle

GREEN BAY (-3.5) vs miami

cleveland (+14.5) vs PITTSBURGH

DENVER (+3.5) vs nyj

oakland (+7) vs SAN FRANCISCO

MINNESOTA (-1.5) vs dallas

indianapolis (-3.5) vs WASHINGTON

JACKSONVILLE (+3) vs tennessee

Upset special: Baltimore, Denver, Jacksonville, Kansas City

Lock of the week: Indianapolis (-3.5)

Record so far: 31-28

Upset special record: 12-7

What's on my mind this Friday night at home?

2010-10-15T19:05:00.001-07:00

The Yankees need to finish getting spanked so I can watch more Mad Men. I need my fix!

TMIFriday

2010-10-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

The TMI stands for TMI. I went for a run without underwear today, and it was glorious. I plan to do all my runs like this from now on. If anything, it's a great excuse to call myself a commando runner.

Damn skippy

Before getting into my sexist, America-hating rant, a quick New York thought: The best sound in a stopped train is the announcement of a delay for "train traffic up ahead of us." The train might have been idle for a solid minute, but rest assured that once the delay has been officially acknowledged, that train will keep rollin' along.

Much is being made of Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walking off the set of The View after Bill O'Reilly predictably hated on Muslims. I'm not here to argue the merits of his arguments as Bill O'Reilly is a disgrace. In no way do I support a single thing that comes out of his mouth. And the great thing is I don't have to entertain his extremism. I don't have a TV show that I invited him to. If I did, I would have been prepared to fight his stances and not storm off like a child. How do you walk off your own show? If you can't debate with the man, don't engage him. Did they think he was going to show up and talk about cupcakes and vaginas?

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, South Park officially took the "Too soon?" question and literally blew it up. With a plane. Flown by Al Qaeda. On American soil. Seriously. It's been nine plus year since 9/11, and I get the feeling that the guys at South Park have finally had enough of seeing it ~~treated~~ ~~used~~ exploited as a shield of sacredness and an emotional trump card in American politics. So they took it into their own hands and said "Get over it." I am hardly doing it justice, so check out on South Park Studios so you can see I'm not insane for endorsing this. In my mind, it was the perfect way to cross the line from the very best in the line crossing game.

I am criminally behind on Mad Men, but that won't last long. I only started watching a few months ago with my friend. We got about a season and a half though before life got in the way. I've been putting it off because I've seen enough to know that Mad Men is like crack on steroids that have been laced with crack. That's like crack squared, folks. I tested a video to see if I would have a reliable source when I got back into it. I didn't even make it though the opening credits. Moratorium over, next week of my life planned out. Time to whip out the whiskey and suits. Oh, I'm too poor for suits. Guess I'll have to compensate with extra whiskey. Fuck yeah!

Turns out...

2010-10-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

According to a smart person I met the other day, the reason your body sometimes twitches when you're falling asleep is because it thinks you might be dying. If your body doesn't know why your heart rate is slowing down it is prone to jerk you awake before your heart stops for good. To this I say, aha! For years my friends, family, enemies, and neutral Swiss acquaintances have teased me for being a hypochondriac, a drama queen, and other unflattering names. What my friends don't know is that I twitch before I fall asleep almost every night. So, you see, I am not a hypochondriac for the sake of being melodramatic. Hypochondria is ingrained deep in my nervous system. My body is naturally inclined to think it's dying every night. I might be a hypochondriac, but it was never a choice for me. So, my two or three friends reading this, save your teasing for Woody Allen.

Matt>Tim>>>>>Elizabeth Hasselbeck

2010-10-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

My choices for Week 5:

(picks on left, home team in caps)

denver (+8) vs BALTIMORE

BUFFALO (-1.5) vs jacksonville

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) vs kansas city

st louis (+3) vs DETROIT

atlanta (-3) vs CLEVELAND

tampa bay (+7) vs CINCINNATI

chicago (+3) vs CAROLINA

green bay (-3) vs WASHINGTON

new york giants (+3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (+7) vs san diego

tennessee (+7) vs DALLAS

philadelphia (+3.5) vs SAN FRANCISCO

minnesota (+4.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): St. Louis, Chicago, NYG, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Minnesota

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis (-7.5) to roll the soon-to-be-former last undefeated team, KC

Shoe in of the Week: Minnesota (+4.5)

Least likely to get televised nationally: Tie: St Louis vs Detroit/Buffalo vs Jacksonville

Record so far: 23-22

Upset Special record: 8-5

In a perfect world...

2010-10-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Those of you familiar with Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell might have heard about her past declaration that big, bad China is getting ready to take over (God Bless?) America. Shocking! I'd be marginally concerned if I didn't possess the ability to think for more than half a second. Aside from the fact that this claim makes exactly zero sense, the problem with O'Donnell's claim is that it's total bullshit. If Christine O'Donnell were in fact a spy, she did the one thing a spy is never supposed to do: She blew her cover. Has she learned nothing from James Bond? Oh, I suppose she doesn't see movies since they are products of the liberal heathen wasteland we call Hollywood. Point is, if Christine O'Donnell did in fact have knowledge of an imminent Chinese invasion, she would never reveal that information.

Christine O'Donnell is straight up lying. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there gullible enough to take her words as fact. She goes on TV, tells them China is trying to steal our freedom, and in come the fear votes. I'm not afraid of China. I'm afraid of shortsighted extremists finagling their way into Congress. I'm afraid of the fact that I live in a country where the people who let the entitled son of an oilman lead the country into a crippling depression for eight years are the same people who are now calling our president a failure after 18 months of cleaning up his predecessor's mess. I guess it never occurred to these "pioneers of freedom" that the economic recovery has been so slow to pick up because the very party they support is more concerned with stalling progress with filibusters in order to paint the majority as the enemy in upcoming elections than, you know, actually fixing the economy.

This isn't some idealistic call for honesty and transparency from politicians. This is America, after all. However, politicians are, in theory, the people we trust to govern us and make decisions on our behalf. Shouldn't there be some measure of accountability for those potential lawmakers who outright lie to our faces? I'm not talking about misguided people who buy into their own bullshit. We are all entitled to our own opinion, however wrong it may be. But it's a bit too much for me to stomach when people like Christine O'Donnell go on TV and tell blatant lies.. We can't make every person in America scrutinize the politicians, but maybe our government should do that. I find it fundamentally wrong that a candidate can say whatever she pleases just to win votes. It's not just dishonest, it's dangerous, and it should have no place in politics. Unfortunately, it does, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Lying under oath in court is a felny. So why do we allow candidates to lie on the podium? Why not put a rule in place to prevent this kind of behavior? What I'm proposing is that if a candidate tells a complete lie during a campaign, that candidate should be disqualified. Nothing extreme like jail or public flogging, just removal from the ballot. In theory, this should be universally accepted. You'd be hard pressed to find a politician who agrees lying should be allowed. It will never happen, but maybe it should. Despite what some tea baggers would have you believe, politics is not a popularity contest. This is a little more serious than running for class president. We're not competing for Facebook friends or Dancing with the Stars appearances. Do I have a problem with reducing American politics to a petty feud? You betcha!

Who Are You People?

2010-10-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Let me first say, I am no Don Draper. Okay, bad example, nobody is that cool in real life.* What I'm getting at is I am not an advertising guru. I don't know the first thing about research figures or profit margins. (Really touting myself, aren't I?) However, I do consider myself to be a fairly regular person. A little eccentric, but I have my feet on the ground enough to say I identify with the viewing public. Or so I think...

If I have anything in common with the average American, then television commercials are a massive waste of money. Like any other man with a sense of humor, I love the Old Spice guy. I giddily clap my hands like a teenager when that miniature giraffe shows up in the DirecTV commercial. (This one) Does this mean I'm going to sign up for DirecTV and order Old Spice by the crate? I'd rather buy something I need. How about some socks? Everybody needs socks. Yeah, I'll stick with the socks.

I just can't believe that consumers are so impressionable that a commercial is enough to sell them on a product. Even for something as harmless as deodorant or candy bars, I reject the notion that people are so gullible that an entertaining advertisement will cause them to run to the store and turn on the tunnel vision, opting to waive their right to choose what they buy. Symbol for the everyman he may be, it is inconceivable to me that Homer Simpson is an accurate depiction of the effectiveness of advertising. We can't all go to clown college just because the billboard tells us to do it.

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

Who are these people who do what the TV tells them to do? Perhaps this is the kind of disconnect one experiences when you spend your whole life in "modern" areas. That's not enough to make me move to Arkansas. I'll run the risk of being called an arrogant intellectual. Anything other than being associated with the Heartland Tea Party. Oops, I shouldn't have given them a party name that makes sense. As long as it doesn't make it to a commercial.

*George Clooney is the obvious exception to the rule. If you disagree, feel free to stop reading my blog. Your kind ain't welcome around these parts.

Must. Restore. Balance.

2010-10-03T09:23:00.001-07:00

Earlier while I was doing laundry, I started thinking of the movie Love Actually. As if these weren't effeminate enough, it naturally led me to start humming "All I Want For Christmas Is You" to myself. Such an alarming testosterone deficiency can only mean one thing: Time to overcompensate!

Roar! Football! It's Saturday, which means I will spend my day hating on college football for not being NFL football. I'll leave the betting picks to the savvy, suave, sexy, other "s" adjective Edmund. He's got that information thing covered, which means it's up to me to come up with the half-baked opinions around here.

Jets at Bills: Wow, don't care, don't care, don't care. The Bills just cut a quarterback from Stanford for a quarterback from Harvard. And they wonder why they suck.

San Francisco at Atlanta: Oh man, the 49ers are about to start the season 0-4 and they could still easily win their division. Will the Seahawks keep the pressure on by continuing their ambitious run at an 8-8 record? Will Mike Singletary continue to blame his players for not being winners or having sufficient heart? I wonder if the 49ers spend most of their practice time discussing their lack of go-get-em-ness instead of, you know, learning how to play football.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Shucks, I was one game away on the early start times from being able to sleep in. (Sleeping in past 1 PM is preposterous, you say? You sir must have a job.) Charlie Batch is about the get reminded why he isn't a starter in the NFL. I like the Ravens to win with or without an offensive touchdown.

Redskins at Eagles: As if the return of Donovan McNabb wasn't enough to wet your whistle, Michael Vick is good at football again. Monster he may be, douchebag he may be, the dude is entertainment on cleats. I hate to say it, but I love watching this guy play football. He's made the Eagles relevant contenders in a season they literally gave up on before it even started.

Cardinals at Chargers: It's the battle for the title of least (most?) mediocre team in the west! The only thing more underwhelming that this match up would be a Dan Quayle vs. Michael Dukakis presidential election.

Bears at Giants: The Giants are one more bad loss away from officially being a team in turmoil. Osi Umenyiora and Keith Bullock are questionable for Sunday. Matthias Kiwanuka might be out for the season. Tiki "The Selfish Piece of Shit Quitter" Barber is taking shots at Tom Coughlin. When did the Giants become the Cowboys? Just win the fucking game. Pretty please? Kthanksgoodluck.

In this house, we respect the laws of thermodynamics!

2010-10-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

denver (+7) vs TENNESSEE

baltimore (+2.5) vs PITTSBURGH

CLEVELAND (+3) vs cincinnati

GREEN BAY (-14) vs detroit

NEW ORLEANS (-14) vs carolina

ATLANTA (-7) vs san francisco

seattle (-2) vs ST LOUIS

BUFFALO (+6) vs new york jets

JACKSONVILLE (+8) vs indianapolis

houston (-3.5) vs OAKLAND

SAN DIEGO (-9) vs arizona

PHILADELPHIA (-6) vs washington

chicago (+3.5) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

MIAMI (+1) vs new england

Upset specials (underdog to straight win): Denver, Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Miami

Lock of the Week: Atl (-7), Seattle (-2)

Record for the year: 17-14 overall, 5-3 for upset picks

Dear God Make it Stop! (Update: Thanks God!)

2010-10-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

Why is it that ~~certain~~ all TV channels insist on making commercials twice as loud as the program? You can't tell me Monday Night Football is quieter than this commercial for AARP life insurance. If the entertainment industry must jam advertising down my throat, I don't it's too much to ask for a little subtlety.

What about a shrill voice over is supposed to make me start thinking Bud Light is suddenly good? Loud commercials don't make me buy products, good commercials make me buy products. The only thing loud commercials achieve is putting my eardrums though anguish.

This gem came up when I searched "Anguish" on Google Images. Credit the artist at shaav.com for his poor grasp of the English language, pencils, or possibly both.

That's as far as I got before this thrilling development came along. This landmark event proves that the government is finally doing something right. Is it really that far fetched to imagine national health care and the end of undeserved tax breaks for the very people who helped destroy the economy is just around the corner? Yes, yes it is.

Channing Frye, Charlie Frye, Charlie Batch

2010-09-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Week 3 kicks off with a plethora of good 1-1 teams, supposedly sketchy 2-0 teams, a couple very bad 2-0 teams, and a whole slew of deserving 0-2 fucks (Cowboys, Lions, Rams, Browns, Bills), perennial losers for 9-17 years. A season involving Dallas going 2-14 or worse, the Patriots & Jets missing the playoffs, and the Vikings doing so poorly that Brett Favre smashes through one of his mansion's rooms of mirrors and Wranglers would be just delightful. If Dallas and Minnesota went 0-16, the Seahawks and Jaguars could play in the ~~Super~~ Obsolete Bowl and I wouldn't even care.

My week 3 predictions (home team in caps, my pick in the left column):

NYG (-3) vs tennessee

buffalo (+14.5) vs NEW ENGLAND

cleveland (+12) vs BALTIMORE

pittsburgh (-3) vs TAMPA BAY

CAROLINA (+3.5) vs Cincinnati

NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) vs atlanta

KANSAS CITY (+3) vs san francisco

detroit (+12.5) vs MINNESOTA

HOUSTON (-3) vs dallas

ST LOUIS (+5) vs washington

philadelphia (-3) vs JACKSONVILLE

indianapolis (-6) vs DENVER

san diego (-4.5) vs SEATTLE

oakland (+5.5) vs ARIZONA

MIAMI (-2.5) vs new york jets

green bay (-3) vs CHICAGO

Lock of the Week: Miami getting 2.5 at home vs the Jets.

Upset special (underdog to straight win): Kansas City, Oakland, Carolina

Record so far this year: 9-6 for regular picks, 4-1 for upset specials

Sticking to my guns like the Japanese soldiers at Iwo Jima. Too soon?

2010-09-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, the sweet rumblings of the early NFL season. Preseason hype has become Super Bowl hype, former players turned pundits compete to be the first one to exhaust "I've got a feeling" as the focal point of an expert prediction, and fat guys everywhere rejoice over the opportunity to once again go shirtless in public. Otherwise useless cities like Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Green Bay can come out of their cultural hibernations to petition for relevance. Most importantly, Brett Favre stories are put on hold and he is forced to actually play football. Turns out grandfathers aren't so good at sports.

Take away the Giants' embarrassing loss on national tv, I really couldn't ask for more at this stage of the season. It feels like America's waistband has barely had time to expand and the Cowboys and Vikings are already panicking. (I don't hate the Vikings. I always thought the purple and gold thing was cool. But my disdain for Old Man Favre is so passionate I would root against a team in the Puppy Bowl if the Puppy Bowl had teams.) Nothing makes a contender sweat like starting 0-2. And nothing throws a team into disarray like hitting the panic button. So here's praying we see major overhauls on both these teams before they get a chance to figure things out.

It seems like teams all over the league have some kinks to work out. After enduring "will they or won't they?" undefeated teams for so many years, it's refreshing to see more parity around the league so far. The Colts decided to bypass their annual 12-0 run in favor of a more devious plan of starting with a loss, then winning 15 in a row as a giant "EFF YOU!" to the '72 Dolphins. Very sneaky, Peyton, you old dog you. Although nothing will come of it, the Bears, Chiefs and lowly Bucs are undefeated at this moment. Even the Lions are getting in on the whole equal playing field. Granted, they're still losing, but it's totally close in the fourth quarter. Good for you, Detroit!

We're two weeks deep and it still feels like we know nothing. What I'm saying is I'm totally justifying making predictions after the season already started. You get these kinds of luxuries when you work for free.

AFC South

How about them Texans? They still have to wait for Peyton Manning to retire before they win the division, but they are clearly a team on the rise. It just goes to show you that slowly building your team through the draft and prudent salary cap management is a completely valid approach, so long as you're in a small market that doesn't demand two championships per season.

Colts

Texans (Wild Card)

Titans

Jaguars

AFC West

The Chargers keep declining, the rest of the division keeps improving while still managing to post losing records. The Chiefs will fall to earth soon enough and order will be restored. Another totally unsurprising playoff loss for the Chargers awaits.

Chargers

Chiefs

Broncos

Raiders

AFC North

The hype train rolls on! Oooooh, the Ravens have recievers now! Is Joe Flacco still their quarteback? Awesome, have fun losing to the Colts when you realize the whole scoring points thing is kind of important. Ditto for the Steelers. Unless they trade for Peyton Manning, their isn't a quarterback in the world who can make that offense look good. Hines Ward hasn't been a true number one receiver since, well, ever.

Ravens

Steelers (Wild Card)

Bengals

Browns

AFC East

I really love Rex Ryan's enthusiasm for snacks. I don't know if I can match his enthusiasm for the Jets. I still have no idea what to make of this team. Mark Sanchez is obviously not there yet. They could win a weaker division, but the Dolphins are quietly good and the Patriots have the talent to drop 50 on any given night. The Bills are unfathomably, inexplicably, mind-bendingly awful.

Dolphins

Patriots

Jets

Bills

NFC South

The Saints are still awesome. Drew Brees is still running for Jesus. Seriously, doesn't he seem like the nicest guy in the world? And that picture of his kid with the huge headphones at the Super Bowl, awwwww. I just want to hang out with Drew Brees and talk about doing good things for underprivileged people. I mean, listen to him talk about the good things he does for underprivileged people and feel bad about being such a selfish prick.

Saints

Falcons (Wild Card)

Bucs

Panthers

NFC West

As Charles Barkley might say, this division is turr-bull, just turr-bull. The starting quarterbacks in this division: Alex Smith. Derek Anderson, Sam Bradford, and the corpse of Matt Hasselbeck. Here's a groundbreaking thought: There will not be a Wild Card team coming out of this division.

49ers by default

Seahawks

Cardinals

Rams

NFC North

It is so sweet to watch Brett Favre fail. Is this petty? Who cares? I hope the Vikings go 0-16 and Favre throws 36 interceptions. I like the Bears right now. Jay Cutler has always been talented. If this Mike Martz experiment works out, they might even make the playoffs. Eh, maybe they should just settle for not embarrassing themselves.

Packers

Bears (Wild Card)

Vikings

Lions

NFC East

The NFC Beast is looking more like the NFC medium sized dog. You don't want to piss if off, but it's not like your life depends on it or anything. Speaking of dogs, the Eagles found a way to make a mess out of Michael Vick on the football field. Since they have no offensive line whatsoever, I say enjoy it while it lasts. He probably can't sustain this level of play but it's fun as hell to watch. Almost as fun as watching Kevin Kolb get sacked four times a game when he eventually gets a sympathy start. The Redskins have all the looks of a better but not ready team and the Cowboys are in glorious meltdown mode. That leaves my beloved Giants to swoop in and earn the right to lose in the first round of the playoffs. It's possible the Giants get it together and make a run, I just have my doubts. They have no depth behind a very old offensive line whose age is starting to show and while the defense is improved, the linebacking corps might be the worst in the league. It doesn't matter how many times you get to the quarterback if two guys get open every play. Call me cautiously pessimistic.

Giants

Redskins

Eagles

Cowboys

AFC Wild Card

Steelers over Dolphins, Texans over Chargers

(Yup, I picked both Wild Card teams, sue me.)

NFC Wild Card

Giants over Bears, Falcons over 49ers

AFC Divisonal

Colts over Steelers, Texans over Ravens

NFC Divisonal

Packers over Falcons, Saints over Giants

Conference Championships

Colts over Texans, Packers over Saints

Colts win the Super Bowl! All hail Peyton Manning!

And they tried to make us watch the Little League World Series...

2010-09-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

Football, Football, Football!

This season I will make picks for each complete slate of games week by week, all the while keeping a record of my successes and failures, in the vein of a guy who gets paid to do it. I'm not promising to be as savvy as John Clayton, only to be less swarmy looking than him by the end of the year.

Week 1:

(Home team in caps, duh---and my pick for each game will be in the left column)

NYG (-7) vs Carolina

Miami (-3) vs BUFFALO

Atlanta (-1.5) vs PITTSBURGH

Detroit (+6.5) vs CHICAGO

NEW ENGLAND (-5) vs Cincinnati

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs Cleveland

Indianapolis (-2.5) vs HOUSTON

Oakland (+6.5) vs Tennessee

PHILADELPHIA (+3) vs Green Bay

SEATTLE (+3) vs San Francisco

ST LOUIS (+3.5) vs Arizona

WASHINGTON (+3.5) vs Dallas

Baltimore (+2) vs NYJ

KANSAS CITY (+5) vs San Diego

Push: JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs Denver

Upset picks of the week (underdog to straight win):

Seattle, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Kansas City

I-95 corridor bias notwithstanding, it'll happen.

Biggest blowout of the week: NYG over Carolina, followed by Miami over Buffalo

Stevie Ray might call me a Fruit Booty

2010-09-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend likes to boast about only eating meat once or twice a week. I fail to see the accomplishment in that. The only reason I don't always eat meat is because a lot of meat dishes are fattening and I'm vain. Oh, I'm also poor. I'm not extremely poor, just plain old lower middle class poor. If I was poor poor, I'd eat more "meat" because most of my meals would consist of spam and other mystery meats. Fortunately, I can afford chicken. But even chicken is like a bajillion times more expensive than celery. So I've learned to adapt and be healthy. Since I can't eat bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, here are some vegetables I've learned to appreciate. Onions are left off the list because everything has onions.

Spinach: It makes for a pretty good omelette and eggs are dead animals if you believe in god. Just sayin.

Beets: Is this technically a vegetable? I don't care. Beets are delicious and get bonus points for not being green. I also like making beet hummus when I have access to a blender. Aaaaand my testicles just fell out. Let me squeeze those bad boys back in there. Moving on...

Eggplant/Zucchini/That yellow squash I'm pretty sure they just call yellow squash: I make lots of stir fries because they're easy and spicy asian sauces are the tits. I have yet to make a stir fry that suffered from adding squash.

Brussels Sprouts: These little guys get a worse rap than broccoli, which I also enjoy. I like looking sophisticated when I cook these properly, like that time one and only time I cooked brussels sprouts properly.

Okra: It's kinda smily, so people fry it. Mmm, thin excuses to fry things.

If you're wondering where corn is, it's in Nebraska.

A question for you

2010-06-17T16:06:00.001-07:00

Pixar: Big swinging dick or biggest swinging dick? You decide!

It's Wednesday and Wednesdays suck when you work Monday to Friday

2010-06-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

I hated on Wednesday long before I had a job. Oh Wednesday, why can't you just be Thursday and let us all get that precious first sniff of the weekend? In honor of Wednesday, here's a shitty, scatterbrained post.

Why is it "cool" to wear shirts with little logos like Polo shirts but misguidedly trendy to wear t-shirts with huge logos like Adidas on them? Is this is a question I should have asked in 2008? I ask the latter question because of the gigantic horses that adorn Polo shirts these days. Maybe Ralph Lauren got fed up with the whole world stealing his style and decided to remind us who started the damned thing in the first place. Anyway, I think it's silly to pay $100 of your own money to be a walking advertisement.

I joined the gym and it's been a solid investment so far. But last night made me feel like the managers are secretly trying to discourage me from getting into shape. As much as I appreciate a good PA system, I don't think Taylor Swift is the way to get a bunch of dudes fired up. I had my iPod on full blast and I could still hear the Top 40 playing throughout. Nobody else seemed to mind, but those other guys are in much better shape than me. They must be on a 24 hour endorphin high with the little voices in their heads constantly goading them into one more set. I figure I can reach that level by the end of the summer Then again, it could just be my insistence on only wearing white shoes that's holding me back.

Speaking of style, it's starting to get hot and my refusal to purchase or wear shorts is holding strong after ~15 years of stubborn determination. I'll stop pretending the heat doesn't bother me when they stop acting like shorts are anything other than half a pair of pants.

The World Cup is less than 48 hours away. I've never been so excited to wake up at 6 AM. (Except for that time they had Everybody who wakes up at 6 AM gets a free jet pack day. Best, Day. Ever.) Whoever wins, I just hope it's a team with less than 80% arrogant douchebags, meaning the following teams have been eliminated: France, Italy, Portugal, France, Brazil, France, Italy, Argentina, France, Spain, Italy, Italy and France. Also, eff France.

Double breaded for your pleasure

2010-06-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

You know it's June when baseball grabs this much nationwide media attention. The town of Strasburg, Va, with a population just over 4,000 (making it the biggest town in Shenandoah Co.) was previously best known for its railroad museum and yearly oktoberfest festival, but no more!

RenameStrasburg.com is behind a move to rename the town after the heralded young Washington Nationals prospect, Steven Strasburg, who makes his major league pitching debut tonight.

Upon first hearing this, I foolishly thought that this player was actually from Strasburg, VA, but after seeing that the two names were spelled exactly the same, I realize that's all the similarities a small town requires to try and grab a cheap pop (he's from San Diego). Somehow I was out-foolished by Strasburg residents, who believed the name change was going to be permanent. Town council members probably hope for it to be a boon to the local tourism economy, because evidently towns and cities of all sizes, even those in the rural edge of Virginia, want people to come and spend money.

Of course now the pressure is squarely on the shoulders of a 21 year old expected to soon lead the Nationals rotation and make them a playoff contender. How soon people block the memories of a team which had the worst record in baseball last year, a team that was called the Expos and

played in Canada less than 6 years ago and hasn't

made the playoffs since I've been watching (they

had the best record in '94, but a strike ended the season after 114 games).

None of this stopped fans from showing up at 9:30 in the morning for a game that doesn't start until 7pm. As for baseball analysis, I don't know what this will mean for the Nationals, who at 4 games under .500 have seen a vast improvement this year, but still find themselves 5th in the fairly tough NL East division. I doubt they are favorites to make the playoffs all of a sudden, any decent team could claw their way somewhat close to the playoff race by fall, just make sure you're not named the Royals or Orioles.

I asked my Dad once who he'd root for in a ~~hypothetical~~ unholy pact of an Orioles/Nationals World Series, and he said Washington. As a youth he went to Senators' games with his dad in D.C, so it was originally and is now his local team. Myself, I prefer the Orioles, because during my formative years in Maryland they were the only baseball team around, and my father took me to games at Camden Yards.

Now that the Nationals are better, someone has to take the very bottom spot in baseball. I figure whatever invisible germ or baseball ghost of crapiness that determines these things simply got lazy and decided to hope off 1-95 after like 35 minutes. Baltimore has a .281 winning percentage, plopping them 5.5 games behind the 29th worst team in baseball.

My annoyance over this has been temporarily replaced by incredulousness at why there is so much hooplah over an umpire crying while apologizing over blowing a call. This is one of those things that reminds me how silly baseball is.

What would've been the third perfect game of the year is now not, because of a missed call in a sport where missed calls happen all the time, a sport that celebrates its statistics but has always had its officiating subject to human error. Somehow this entire incident was propagandized to show how some moments go "beyond the game", which I guess shows just how rare forgiveness is in our society. Baseball has the summer, but 'America's pastime' is absolutely the nation's 2nd favorite sport.

Whoa

2010-05-31T17:42:00.001-07:00

Photo: Guatemala Government via Flickr

In case anyone has the notion that this post will be about either The Day After Tomorrow, Dante's Peak, The Core, Deep Impact, 2012, Descent, or Megafault, you will be disappointed.

I didn't really know what a sinkhole was, and I certainly didn't imagine it would look like that. If Guatemala got the choice of where to have the massive, bottom-not-visible hole, they might have chosen a field, swamp, jail, or better yet-landfill! Certainly not the middle of an intersection. I would have been terrified to be driving in front of the other cars, because getting people to all go backwards during traffic seems really hard. "There is a sinkhole, please tell the person behind you." I guess at that point you have to get out of the car and run, but if I had a chance to make a sharp right turn and save my car while avoiding the sinkhole, I think I'd have to do that.

It really seems like the rest of the world is just getting smacked around with some kind of big, dirty, and government destabilizing mop. Maybe not Europe. They usually seem to be doing ok. I figure there are two barometers for this:

1) The Euro is worth more than the dollar, rather than being valued somewhere between 1/2 and 1/1,230,000th of the dollar, as so many currencies in the world are.

2) The top headlines for today's European news are "Families honor Air France crash victims" and "Fergie to Oprah: I was drunk during sting". Problems just aren't on the same level there.

Meanwhile, Latin America just can't get much positive going at all. Last year in Juarez, a border city across the river from El Paso, Texas, 2,660 people were murdered.

Numbers can often be misunderstood or underestimated, but I don't know any city in America where on average more than 2 people are killed every single day; Juarez has by far the highest murder rate of any city in the world. For comparison, New Orleans has the highest murder rate in America, with 174. Juarez even had more murders last year than New York City did in its worst year in history.

The President of Mexico called in the national army, only to realize they are outmatched in terms of weapons and equipment. I just imagine these cartels with a bunch of hovercrafts and dune buggies, but apparently they actually use submarines and jets. Personally I prefer this smuggler's choice of transportation:

Photo: Flickr/Shiny Things

Silver linings and improvements are not part of the story right now. The publicized burden falls on the leaders of Latin American governments, but the actual struggle encompasses ordinary people, those who have no choice but to live in a community where they don't even feel safe at a library on a Tuesday morning. The Obama government would be criticized whether they intervened more or less, and honestly, it's just not that cut and dry. I can't imagine the people of Mexico are unified in a desire to have the American military in their cities, and a true solution involves the fiscal and political sectors of another corrupt country.

Cue Bono.

Always with Bono. It's like Sting before him. If more, or any of the musicians I liked more than Bono were in to anything, maybe they' be on TV more like him. If it wasn't him, it'd probably just be Dave "who is more vanilla than me?" Matthews, so I've decided not to complain.

Enthusiasm for this once in 4 years extravaganza is unbridled from the United States to North Korea, but especially in Latin America, which sends 6 different national teams to the World Cup, not including Brazil. Mexico has a chance to move on to the next round, is certainly not a favorite to even sniff a title game, although they would probably put Italy's celebration to shame.

Starting in a group with France (boo, of course) and host country South Africa is an opportunity for Mexico to play on a global stage, and for a damaged nation back home to root for their own. Even the criminals will be reminded that they themselves are less important than the game of soccer, but as they sit down to watch the very same game in front of a new flatscreen, it won't bother them in the least.

I have Spain beating Holland in the finals. Book it.

This is why we can't have nice things!

2010-05-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hey you, gentleman driving the Isuzu with a red, white and blue "BUY AMERICAN" bumper sticker. You are the reason people think Americans are ignorant assholes. You know why? Because you are an ignorant asshole. I am flabbergasted that you were able to go through the entire process of getting from that purchase of yours to proudly affixing it to your vehicle without once thinking yourself, "Ya know, I should probably make sure I buy American myself before I make this declaration." Didn't you notice the big "Isuzu" logo right next to the bumper sticker? Clearly the answer is no, most likely because you were so overwhelmed with your own patriotism..Do you even know why they tell us to buy domestically produced goods? Why don't you go look at the products in your house and see how many have "Made in China" written on the bottom. And don't worry about trading in your car for an American one. Our automobile industry is tip-top!

I'll paddle downstream, thanks

2010-05-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Much of the political noise swirling awkwardly around Philadelphia the last week centered around losing, because people in all economic classes like talking about a successful white guy getting the boot. It's probably the most politically correct way to root for someone's personal failure. And so Arlen Specter, aged 80, now gets to exchange his finest ties for havana shirts, and the senate floor for a bocheyball court, assuming of course that all rich old dudes spend their time jetting back and forth from Florida. Tens of millions on an election and it's decided by one ad:

Republican politicians, pundits, and many of their various minions and sub-lackeys have begun to proclaim this the start of a great Obama backlash, the natural reaction of average americans when confronted with the pressures of a socialist government.

Democrats recently won an open seat in a conservative area of southwest PA, coinciding with a Republican congressman and proiminent christian conservative in Indiana resigning because of an affair he had with a married coworker. Additionally Specter lost in a Democratic primary, and to a presumably more progressive candidate.

None of this of course will halt the spin machines, which have already been set to hyper-speed. Republicans hope to narrow the anti-incumbent sentiment to target only Democrats and the less than far right (those who only want to rewrite science textbooks) as their victims in the 2010 general election.

Fortunately, Democrats often do really silly, almost halfway democratic, but still mainly stupid things, like running 2 candidates against the lone Republican in a 3 way one-time election because they're constitutionally obligated to put a white guy in the race.

I'm skeptical of the importance of this because it happened in Hawaii and by tomorrow I will have again forgotten that it too is a state, but since Democrats lost an apparent lock of a win in Barack Obama's hometown, things might get even more silly.

Fortunately, the other side has recruited the best of the brightest. In Utah, 3 term incumbent Bob Bennett (should've been a 1st base coach with a name like that), couldn't even make it out of his the Republican convention, let alone to his party primary, despite voting the party line 88% of time while maintaining a right wing stance on every major issue. In Kentucky, the primary winner is the son of former presidential candidate Ron Paul, creatively named Rand Paul, who sadly might even be more popular after saying he wouldn't vote for the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

The common link? It's not the fact that Utah and Kentucky couldn't go 21 minutes without being the butt of a joke before this, or that the 5 reddest states in the country have a combined 1 pro sports team. The tie-in is the smell of chamomile, or maybe lemon verbena. Tea baggers claim responsibility for a unstoppable insurgency movement, the result of which will be a takeover of Congress and the White House by 2012.

I can't even imagine how long each day must feel to these people, knowing a black man is the leader of the free world. They probably waste a lot of time stressing out about it, sweat pouring down their button downs and soaking the seats of their SUVs, which in turn frustrates them into being a little too snarky to the various immigrant laborers working about their home.

The notion, apparently, is that tea-baggers, like liberals but motivated differently, disdain Republican neo-cons, disgusted because George W. Bush himself ended up too left wing. I find it unrealistic to believe that a group of organized Republicans are the type to buck the entire establishment, or that a few elections somehow symbolize an entirely new Republican party. Perhaps their internal meetings even go something like this:

For the time being, I refuse to be impressed by nerfballs winning in states that wouldn't vote reasonably if they had that Staples easy button. Kentucky didn't even elect George Clooney's dad when ran for Congress in 2006. What kind of sense does that make? The way I see it, no tea- bagger will beat a Democratic incumbent in 2010, and maybe not even win a single open Democratic seat.

Truly, I think everyone is just killing time, because the next 2 years Sarah Palin will take up about 93.4% of the space on television and in newspapers (if they exist by then). The system is set up very comfortably for our culture though, because I'm pretty sure one could purposely avoid all news for at least 7 months and still blend in seamlessly with most situations they find themselves in.

I'm afraid I can't do that Dave

2010-05-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Before I go on my anti-technology apolcalyptic tirade, let me first say that I love the internet. The world (I'm speaking of my own personal version of the world. I can't tell you what dudes in Namibia call "the world.") is dependent on the internet to streamline our workflows, shorten (if not outright eliminate) the distance between far away nations and reconnect with that girl who totally made out with you in seventh grade. The internet makes everything easier, faster, more accessible. I love the internet for that. As somebody who continually pines for a 30 hour day, I appreciate the internet for saving me untold hours of my life that would otherwise be spend researching things at the librbary or *GASP* walking to the store to buy porno mags. I just wish I could have all this without worrying that my privacy is largely a thing of the past.

I listen to music on Pandora. I do whatever it is people do on Facebook. There is no reason these two should be linked in any way. But every time a new song plays on Pandora, it tells me a Facebook friend who likes that artist. First off, I don't care that Henry Te likes Lil Wayne. (Side note: Yo Henry, where you at? We haven't talked since high school man!) Second, deceptive privacy settings or not, how is my Facebook profile even linked to my Pandora account? I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say since my browser automatically logs in to both sites, they are able to link together. But that doesn't explain how when I go CNN, the sidebar tells me which stories have been shared by my friends on Facebook. I don't have a CNN account. I barely even read the news. CNN shouldn't know who I am.

This might not even qualify as barely scratching the surface. That's what disturbs me the most. Some of the smartest people in the world think it's only a matter of time before artificial intelligence exceeds human intelligence. Perhaps it's a bad idea then to voluntarily hand over our private information to computers. Computers are tools; tools are controlled by people. I hope the people responsible for information technology are keeping that in mind. Am I suggesting we're going to live in the Matrix or, worse yet, face a moment like judgment day in Terminator 2? No, those are movies are movies don't tell the future. Then again, there are people smarter than us who believe there will be a singular moment where computers surpass humans. The upside of that is we might get to download our brains onto hard drives and live forever. The downside:

Hopefully it doesn't play out that way. It could just be that Mark Zuckerberg is a douche. Well, I'm sure of that one. I just hope that douche doesn't destroy us all.

The Land of Unexciting Things

2010-05-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

For the past week, I've been fairly jazzed by the goings of the world. Don't get me wrong, when people (myself included) say "world", they mean whatever constitutes their own world. For me, this has been the realization that non-winter weather really rocks, that real life jobs might actually be halfway enjoyable, and that a megaplex of sports both nearing their end and hitting their stride would mean constant fun.

Much to my chagrin, I am again left meekly uttering, "Zort". Outside it's raining, and the air is colder than Helen Lovejoy. For the most part, I've come not to be surprised by most weather phenomenons, and when it's warm in January I'll openly thank both global warming and the Mayans. Nevertheless, I feel like late May should not be like this, but what can I do? Watching some sports is easier than being bitter about not controlling the weather.

Fortunately for me, I am quickly reminded of just how anticlimactic and fizzletastic professional sports can be some times. When I was younger, my love of sports was fueled by a die-hard enthusiasm for a select team from each sport, followed by the fact that I was 9 and I couldn't do many things, followed by just generally liking playing sports. Nowdays, I feel like my passion for paying attention to sports would be tempered if not for the jawesome video quality, precision camera work, and flashy replays.

The 2010 NBA conference finals are starting to remind me of something. Oh yea, it's the 2nd round of the 2010 NBA playoffs, in which there were 3 sweeps. It'd be really cool if the Suns beat the Lakers, partly in fact because how much cooler are Steve Nash and Grant Hill than Kobe Bryant?

The problem is Phoenix might not win any games in Los Angeles, which is more of a problem because the series is 2-2-1-1-1 instead of 2-3-2. Both series could end up being real disappointments, and probably will be if Orlando drops game 2 at home against Boston. All of this is extra crappy because these games are spaced out for maximum fluff capacity.

Baseball is again very stinky, unless apparently you're a Washington Nationals fan, who themselves have dropped 4 in a row while their prized #1 pick remains in the minors. Clearly, this is baseball, and the system pays the kings and taxes the paupers. The Yankees and Phillies should be huge favorites to meet in the World Series again, and while both teams lose games sometimes, they obtain a balance by scoring at least 8 runs in all other games.

The real issue is that the Baltimore Orioles have finally clawed themselves into a position to maybe not have the absolute worst record in baseball in a month or so, but then dropped yesterday's game with arch nemesis/powerhouse the Kansas City Royals. If you're looking to be better than the 30th best team in baseball, it's a good idea not to lose at home to your most likely replacement.

Rasheed Wallace is from Philadelphia and I think it's awesome that he was wearing a Flyers hat after a Celtics/Cavs game. You can't get on Wallace, his team won their series even after being down 2-1. What does he have to do with the Bruins losing 4 playoff games in a row to the Flyers? I could understand if he had that lame big "P" Flyers hat that the white guys rock here, but he had a Flyers hat I've never seen. That's how NBA players roll. I remembering reading a Sports Illustrated article from the 90's that dissed Wallace and his then Portland Trailblazers teammates for talking on cell phones at an orphanage or boys home or make a wish type place, photos showing the players not caring about the kids. You just can't get that mad over a cap.

In six years Tim Tebow will either be doing NFL Coors commercials, or be vice president

2010-04-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

The NFL Draft is a welcome sports shakeup for me, personally I've heard enough about the Flyers and Devils to last me a good 17 years. Clearly we all understand the concept of not attaching unreasonable expectations to players who have never tasted the game on a professional level, many of them not even legal to drink in this country. To the contrary, this draft brings what seems like a larger share of really hyped college players, including all the Heisman runner ups.

I'll briefly discuss impact players, and teams which may or may not benefit from their draft picks. Of course the draft isn't over, and the 7th round picks could end up being far more relevant than the first three, but personally I feel it to be unlikely.

Truly, I feel like the Kansas City Chiefs may come out of this draft with the most balanced crop of picks, as far as overall player quality and ability to start is concerned. They picked some incredible athletes, a group which includes some big name college players who start at fairly, glamorous I guess you'd call it, positions. I don't believe this necessarily means the Chiefs will have the most success with their picks for the next few years, because adaptation to the team and its game plan and chemistry obviously weighs very heavily.

The Chiefs first 3 picks: Eric Berry, Dexter McCluster, Javier Arenas

With no exaggeration or offense to Joe Haden, Kansas City just picked the two best defensive players in the SEC, and maybe the country. I don't need to get into any kind of stances on college football right now, but a lot of people and the CBS network think the SEC is the best I guess.

That doesn't matter as much as the fact that Berry is without a doubt the best defensive player in the draft, a strong safety who can clamp down in man coverage, pick of passes across the field, pass rush, sack, force turnovers, and stop the run. Arenas is a fantastic cover corner, but I think is less of a safe bet for the NFL, though I suppose there are enough crappy receivers out there. I think he returns punts too. McCluster is a running back from the south who has dreads and will be better than fellow Ole Miss alum Deuce McAllister.

Detroit made a pretty good #2 pick with Heisman nominee Suh, mainly because the Lions' defensive has been exceptionally soft for several years, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised to see even St. Louis or Tampa Bay drop 42 on them on any given week. Then they took a RB who certainly will not save their team or win them many games on his own, and that's not even a knock on Jahvid Best. Maybe Detroit figures they need to score a ton every game in order to ever win, so I will reserve some judgement on them taking a RB so early.

Tampa Bay took 2 defensive tackles with their first picks, and perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but I respect what looks like an honest attempt at rebuilding from the line out, building a core that may last several years. They will still win fewer than 7 games next year.

The Redskins took an offensive tackle so far, but won't have another pick until round 4. Seems very appropriate. I think they win 8 games next year.

I really don't care about Tim Tebow.

The Bills took and explosive RB in CJ Spiller and two defensive lineman, which is very much some of what they need the most.

I don't understand how Los Angeles lost a football team to St. Louis. 3 wins.

More to come later.

An open letter to my boss

2010-04-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

(Name changed for obvious reasons. Everything besides the name is 100% honest.)

Dear Allison,

I am writing you today in an effort to clear up some of the issues we have been during the hours we spend together at the office. While I appreciate your dedication to your job and your desire to hold your employees to a certain standard, I believe there is a disparity between your expectations and the compensation you provide. You pay us next to nothing for the work we do. On top of this, you hired me and my coworkers as independent contractors, ensuring us no overtime, benefits or job security would be made available at any point. I have no issue with this; we're still in a recession and I have bills to pay. But when you "strongly encourage" me to play around on the company's website outside of work, it displays your lack of a fundamental understanding of how this relationship is set up. When you pay people fuck all and offer them no incentive whatsoever to do well at the job you don't have employees, you have worker bees. And as much as I enjoy a good donut, bringing us donuts in the morning once a week does not qualify as boosting office morale. In fact, the sugar rush probably causes us to work slower, and I know how obsessed you are with our speed.

Speed seems to be one of the main focuses of this project. This makes perfect sense. Our workload is theoretically endless, so we want to get as much done as we can every day. However, when the only motivation you provide is by emailing us to say "you guys need to be going 3 times as fast, at least" you not only discourage us by presenting an impossible task, you out yourself as an idiot and lose our respect. Before you sent that email, did it not occur to you that humans are organic beings incapable of suddenly tripling their pace? Ignoring the physical aspect of this, did you ever consider that presenting your workers with such a laughably unreasonable goal would only prove to further weaken your already tenuous relationship with us? Perhaps if you had elaborated even the slightest bit, you might have gotten through to us. But you showed us no sign to suggest you had any comprehension of what working three times as fast might entail. Then you made it worse by casually reminding us that "Quality, in addition to speed, also matters." The only logical conclusion I can come to after looking at that email is that you never even considered whether or not what you were saying made a lick of sense. It has to be that because the alternative is that you are suffering from some kind of undiagnosed mental impairment.

The more I think about it, the more that actually makes sense to me. After all, a normal person of your stature would have figured out by now that "thanks," followed by nothing is not a proper way to end an email. I talk to you every day so I know you speak perfect English. You managed to climb the ladder all the way to a job with "Director" in the title, so you must at least have a rudimentary knowledge of grammar and punctuation. Still, every other email I get from you ends with "thanks," and never gets corrected. I've seen you put your name at the end of emails before. I know you have a basic understanding of how these things work. This only causes me to worry more.

At first, I joked to my friends that you seemed to have no comprehension of human communication. With each passing day I become more concerned that you actually don't know how to communicate. When you told us that we were shifting our focus from speed to quality we all took it to heart. Why then do you only come to me to ask me how my speed is going? You can't have it both ways. When you order a burger, do you ask for it well done and criticize the chef for not making it rare enough? Why do you make it a point to tell me I'm doing good work only to follow it up by saying my speed has decreased? Yes Allison, my speed has decreased because you told me to work slower. I'll tell you what, from now on I'll work 4.28 times faster and do it twice as well as before. I'm only pointing out these failures of yours because I fear I'm the first person to do so. I'm not going to tell you to seek help, but your ineptitude has an effect on my day so I'm asking you to keep these things in mind when you speak to me.

thanks,

Aww here it goes!

2010-04-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

LeBron has been waiting a year to be back in the playoffs. At long last, that day has come for him. For Knicks fans such as myself, the day or reckoning has yet to come. Hyped as I may be for all of the great series to come in the next two months- including the dream matchup of Kobe vs. LeBron we missed out on last year- it's all about July 1st in my world. LeBron spent a year letting the taste of last year's disappointent fester; Knicks fans have had to live through nine miserable years with the likes of Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Starbury, sexual harassment lawsuits, James Dolan, and he who shall no longer be mentioned. We more or less forfeited the last two seasons in the hopes of landing a big free agent this summer. Not too long ago, a stranger who noticed my New York license plate asked me if I was still a Knicks fan. I proudly said yes, but I was embarassed that a question like that could ever be asked.

It can't be overstated how unreasonably risky it is what the Knicks are doing. They have four players under contract right now. Three once you account for the fact that Eddy Curry might as well be retired at this point. They don't even have a first round draft pick. With or without LeBron, the Knicks' cieling in 2011 might be a 6th seed in the East and a swift exit from the playoffs. Even sadder, the hard truth is that the Knicks' future probably doesn't include LeBron James.

Joe Johnson and Chris Bosh make for a respectable alternative to landing LeBron. But do those two guarantee a championship? The Knicks will be major contenders, but they won't have that one player who abolutely scares the life out of opponents. They won't have the player who gets the ball 100% of the time when the game is on the line. They might get two players who get the ball 95% of the time. Hell, they might even get LeBron and Bosh/Johnson (best case scenario). Or maybe they'll have to settle for Amar'e and Rudy Gay (worst case).

It's greedy of me to be asking for a guaranteed championship. I know that's just not how the world works. But the Knicks have tanked in a way never seen before. They've been openly giving up for two seasons. All of this in the basketball capital of the world. Anything less than a championship- or two or three, or seven- will equate to more disappointment. Nine years and counting...

James makes picks!

2010-04-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'll make this quick since the playoffs already started. Potential x-factors after predictions.

First Round

EAST
Cavaliers sweep the Bulls
X-Factor: Joakim Noah

Magic beat the Bobcats 4-1
X-Factor: Stephen Jackson

Hawks beat the Bucks 4-1
X-Factor: Brandon Jennings

Heat over Celtics after Wade refuses to lose another Game 7.
X-Factor: Michael Beasley has to step up

WEST
Lakers over the Thunder 4-1
X-Factor: Ron Artest vs Kevin Durant and Thabo Sefolosha's ability to impede Kobe.
Spurs over Mavericks in another classic seven game series
X-Factor: Manu Ginobili

Suns over Blazers 4-1
X-Factor: Portland isn't going anywhere without Brandon Roy

Nuggets over Jazz 4-3
X-Factor: Chauncey Billups

2nd round

EAST
Cavs over Heat 4-2
LeBron? This series will be boring

Magic over Hawks 4-2
X-Factor: Josh Smith

WEST
Lakers have a surprising easy series over the Nuggets: 4-1
X-Factor: Andrew Bynum

Suns over Spurs 4-2
X-Factor: I fucking hate Manu Ginobili

Conference Finals

Cavs redeem themselves and win 4-2
X-Factor: This series is the reason they got Shaq

Lakers beat Sun 4-2
Eh, easy series for the Lakers

Finals

Cavs over Lakers 4-3
X-Factor: LeBron James to the Knicks!

Fizzle fizzle

2010-04-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

As someone who gets only network and a few very assorted and uncontrollable cable channels, I'm used to not expecting too much. At least I have a television, even one that isn't staticy. I remember when my grandmother had a black and white tv in whatever older adults call the room next to the living room that looks kind of the same, except that no one sits there in the evening. Needless to say, I try not to take technology for granted, if only but for a few fleeting moments each year.

With that out of the way, tv sports coverage really blows, despite/especially for something that's come so far. I suppose you could say that about many things in this country, but athletic broadcasts are really high-tech, well-publicized, and there is cash to fill a thousand Oldsmobiles being made by people you will never see, money derived from so many facets of each sport.

For instance, there are 8 nba playoff games this weekend, two of which are on ABC, the rest on cable. It's not like it's a Tuesday! This is part of the problem with a single channel/network gaining rights to broadcast almost all of a given sports' games, but I don't think even that's enough of an excuse.

Basketball alone cannot be singled out. The hockey game on right now? Buffalo vs Boston. I mean, I don't know how this could be more off. Let's not forget baseball, an institution which I feel doesn't let other sports suck by themselves for too long.

I live in Philadelphia, and thus have long accepted I won't get to watch Orioles games on the TV, though the fact that I don't have ESPN is irrelevant here because Baltimore has zero regular season games scheduled so far (ESPN hasn't listed any post-June games).

Today is Saturday, and the only baseball game on network tv all day/night is the FOX "game of the week" at 4: New York Mets vs St Louis Cardinals.

This is just ridiculous to me. Don't get me wrong, I can't help but not have a rooting interest for most baseball games, but I can still find a way to pull for a team in different spots. That's part of the reason sports are so popular in America. I actually don't care for the Phillies or Atlanta, and doubt I'd watch unless they were playing the Nationals, but I do get TBS and there is no Braves game on. I'm a little surprised the Phillies are on CSN, which I certainly don't get. Even devoid of options I wouldn't partake of, why am I supposed to watch a New York vs St Louis game? The Mets (and the Cardinals actually) join a irritatingly growing lists of teams that simply (and often inexplicably) get on national broadcasts way too much:

*I should say I'm happy the Browns probably aren't going to be on much, unlike the 08-09 season.

Dallas Cowboys, New York every single team but the Knicks, Pittsburgh Pirates/Penguins, Chicago White Sox, all Boston teams, the Lakers, NFC North teams and the Kansas City Chiefs

The thing is, if not on a Saturday afternoon in April, then when will I be able to get a real afternoon of interesting sports? The whole schedule seems a lot more diluted than when I was a kid. Even as the most watched sport, the NFL gets away/prospers with having only 2-3 games on tv in a given area, but now that it's spring, complaining about my issues with football just seems spoiled.

The moral of the story is probably that I should stop considering watching sports, and go start a softball team or something, because that seems to be the sport adults play to get exercise. Racquetball isn't something I think I would get into, but maybe I'm underestimating the 'amount of fun : pain of joining a club' ratio.

Predictions

2010-04-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Here's how I see the NBA playoffs going down:

(seeds in parentheses)

1st round

EAST

Cleveland (1) vs Chicago (8), CLE, 4 games to 0

Orlando (2) vs Charlotte (7), ORL, 4 games to 2

Atlanta (3) vs Milwaukee (6), ATL, 4 games to 3

Boston (4) vs Miami (5), BOS, 4 games to 2

WEST

Los Angeles (1) vs Oklahoma City (8), LA, 4 games to 1

Dallas (2) vs San Antonio (7), SA, 4 games to 3

Phoenix (3) vs Portland (6), PHX, 4 games to 1

Denver (4) vs Utah (5), DEN, 4 games to 1

2nd round

EAST

Cleveland vs Boston, BOS, 4 games to 3

Orlando vs Atlanta, ORL, 4 games to 2

WEST

Los Angeles vs Denver, DEN, 4 games to 3

Phoenix vs San Antonio, SA, 4 games to 3

Conference Finals

Orlando vs Boston, ORL, 4 games to 1

Denver vs San Antonio, DEN, 4 games to 2

Finals

Orlando over Denver, 4 games to 2

I can't wait for the Norbit remake

2010-04-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

I get a weekly list of feature films in development. (You know, cause I'm an insider like that.) I usually ignore the titles since I'm just looking for work. I wish I could substitute "always" for "usually" in that last sentence. We're all aware of Twilight and the like; I don't really care if those movies keep getting made. They fill a niche and make money. As far as I'm concerned, they're a necessary evil to keep this industry running. But you wouldn't believe some of the garbage they've got coming soon to a theatre near you. Out of respect for my readers' sanity, I'll only present what I saw at the very beginning of the list:

21 JUMP STREET (The tv show starred Johnny Depp, the movie will star Jonah Hill. Hooray?)
AKIRA (Oh good, I love live action, English remakes of foreign classics)
AMERICAN PIE 4 (I thought they were up to 8, no?)
ARABIAN NIGHTS (In 3-D of course!)
ARTHUR (Remake of the Dudley Moore film.)
BAYWATCH (Odds on a Pam Anderson cameo: 1:800)
THE BIG VALLEY (Based on some tv show I've never heard of.)
BLUE CRUSH 2 (There was a Blue Crush 1?)

If you're keeping score at home, that's two remakes, three tv shows, two sequels of movies largely forgotten and entirely awful, and two "reimaginings" of classics. What's next, Jurassic Park 4? Oh, they're making that already. How about another Fast and the Furious installment? Yeah, they got one of those too. Before long, the title of this post won't seem like such a joke. Who knows, maybe they'll even start making do-over movies. I can see it now...

"Hey, didn't Paul Blart: Mall Cop suck balls? Of course it did! But don't worry America! We here at Sony think everybody deserves a second chance. This summer... he's loud... he's fat... he learned from his mistakes... Paul Blart: Redux."

Just kidding, they're making a sequel to that too.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

2010-04-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Well baseball season has started, and it already looks bad. I don't want to be too results oriented (which is easy when your team has a losing record), but if you don't go by results in baseball, then what is it? It's certainly not loving the way the season is going; absorbing all the disagreements, asterisks, untelevised games, fox sports, and general toomfoolery that is the MLB. I like going to games, but that's rare, and since I don't have cable the only games televised so far have been Phillies games. I'm not enough of a fan of "just baseball" to remember to watch Roy Halladay starts, and espn3.com just seems like too much. I'd rather play golf.

Clearly, the Phillies and Yankees are meeting in the World Series. We might as well just skip ahead 5 years and get to the point where the Yankees have Granderson, Sabathia, half-cyborg Ken Griffey Jr, rejuvenated Stan Musial, and genetically mutated Jorge Posada. ESPN's current power rankings have my favorite team, the Baltimore Orioles, 29th, and my 2nd favorite, the Washington Nationals, 27th. I think it's quite possible at least 4 of the 6 divisions (not AL or NL West) will have the same division winner as last year.

As far as the NBA goes, I think it's pretty nuts that so many seeds will be decided on the last game of the season. It's a good year for parity, although a good number of these teams really don't have much of a shot to win the title. I still have a tough time wrapping my mind around the notion that team from Utah or Oregon can win a major professional sports championship. The NBA certainly has a firm lock as the #3 most popular sport in America, but really, how could they possibly fall below that at this point?

I watched the Masters, and I have to say that Tiger Woods' sex scandals have apparently convinced the various golf announcers that they have carte blanche as far as criticizing his golf game, demeanor, emotional stability threshold, and of course, profanity. I'm not getting worked up about anything Tiger Woods related, but Jim Nantz needs to stop acting like the audience hearing a curse word is going to ruin the sport which isn't his anyway. Plus he's Tiger Woods-I don't have much sympathy for him and he doesn't care if I do. He will be good at golf if he stays healthy and maybe if he doesn't. I guess CBS got the "storyline" they wanted, though it wasn't much of a contest for most of the back nine. Perhaps that attests to the fortitude of the winner.

Oh, before I forget: Fuck Ben Roethlisberger. I don't want to say this will happen again soon, but mainly because it's a shitty crime I'd like not to occur. I imagine this guy is not going to change.

Thank god for Starbucks?

2010-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Since when did it become the social norm to deny people the use of a bathroom? This practice must date back at least twenty years, as I remember seeing the "Restroom for Customers Only" sign from a very early age. Yes, restaurants are privately owned establishments with water bills and therefore get to open up their bathrooms or whomever they please. Fine. But shouldn't allowing a human to relieve him/herself fall under some kind of common decency code? An unwritten rule like giving your seat to the elderly or being rude to tourists. I'm not saying bathrooms should be opened up to no good teenagers; who knows what those miscreants do behind the privacy of a locked door. All I'm saying is there has to be some level of allowance for basic human needs. I've peed in the street more times than I can count. Even in my drunkest, most misanthropic state, I would have gladly walked into a restaurant if I was certain they'd let me use their sacred restroom. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It always comes down to peeing in your pants, defiling public property, or sprinting like a mad man in search of a Starbucks or Barnes & Noble. I don't even like my pants. But pants cost money, so I'd rather risk getting a ticket on par with the cost of pants than ruin a perfectly good pair of Levi's.

Look, I'm not trying to waltz into the Four Seasons trying to take advantage of their bathroom attendant and complimentary mints. I just want the right to relieve myself when the time comes. With the exception of dogs, I doubt there is a single species on this planet that has some any equivalent to holding it in. Animals let it go when it has to go. If only it were that simple for us. I'd even settle for a new line of public bathrooms doomed for a life of graffiti-laden walls and smelling like feet. I'm pretty sure I saw plenty of those last time I went to Europe. I lived in Boston and saw literally one of these, and that was in the most deserted of public parks in the North End. I'm pretty sure there are zero in New York. Perhaps there are a couple hidden in Queens, but fuck Queens.

It's rants like this that make me glad to be a man. I've seen girls pee in public and it looks 35% more difficult and 460% more awkward than when dudes do it. Well, that made me feel better about this whole situation. You see people, it's about the little things in life.

Good job, a-dults

2010-04-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

A female high school student in Mississippi (I can spell it without google bitches) recently requested that her school allow her to attend the prom with her girlfriend.

Aside #1: You have to request this? I remember when in 2001 I tried to sell burned copies of the The Eminem Show and got punched in the face by a lesbian trying to steal a copy. Additionally, a guy showed up to my prom in shorts and he was better dressed than at least a dozen people.

The school, deciding they didn't like this but overpowered by their own cowardess, decided to instead cancel the prom

Aside #2: Who pays these people?

Then the school set up an off campus prom for this girl.

Aside #3 Why not just have the prom? I'm sure the kids would enjoy themselves anyway, and it's not like this chick doesn't get made fun of anyway in her high school. Even in fairly progressive high schools people don't come out of the closet.

Followed by the school setting up a secret double off-campus prom that all but 7 students attended.

Aside #4: At this point, you weirdos are trying too hard. And if any viewers don't like gay people, don't start thinking this school supports blacks, catholics, quakers, muslims, mormons, women, people with glasses, kids who gamble, kids who smoke pot, or kids who like music other than 3 doors down. It just doesn't fit.

Way to get on the national news Itawamba Agricultural High Schoo l. Even the KKK was more subtle than this.

Then again, perhaps they don't know the internet exists. Or maybe the prom was perfectly timed with the recent Donovan McNabb trade.

Finally

2010-04-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

This is a pretty great time of the year to enjoy sports. College basketball is ending, the NFL is both far enough in the past for wounds to heal or be forgotten, but far enough away so that one doesn't need to get that burning itch of anticipation that starts sometime in July (and that's for the patient fans).

The Masters is approaching, especially spicy this year because Tiger Woods isn't so damn vanilla anymore. I love golf, playing it far more than watching it, but there is nothing like getting fucked up and watching the early rounds on Thursday and Friday (when the field is double that of the weekend), or eating a bunch of food and nervously watching the back nine on late Sunday afternoon.

I also really enjoy the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs, when there are tons of games nearly every day and the teams still have a bunch of enthusiasm. It's way better than that point when you realize the Lakers or some other machine of a franchise are just going to take it down again.

I am actively rooting against a Kobe vs LeBron finals, though I firmly believe the NBA should just give in and rig the entire thing, because you know that's all they want to see, no matter how popular Vince Carter may be.

Of course, the baseball season is kicking off, and there is no better time to watch the sport, for as everyone knows the luster dies off pretty damn fast. I can't remember the last time I had a strong rooting interest in a televised game in August or later. Actually, make that May.

Some quick predictions:

Jimmie Johnson will win his 5th NASCAR title in a row, further plummeting this sport into oblivion.

The Capitals will win the Stanley Cup, causing a meteoric rise in my interest, thus giving me about a 17% chance of caring about hockey. No one outside of Pittsburgh or Canada should like Sidney Crosby, and if so, I don't want to hear about.

Duke will beat Butler in the NCAA finals. I thought a 33 year old coach would be a very likeable character, but he's really not.

The Cavs will not win the NBA championship. Additionally, the Spurs will win at least 2 series, further boring everyone. The Mavericks and Thunder will lose in the first round, and the Eastern Conference will implode into a mess of unlikeability. He Got Game was an awesome movie, but that's not enough for me to root for a Boston sports team.

24 Got Cancelled!

2010-04-05T16:58:00.001-07:00

This makes me fairly happy. As many complaints as there were about 24, I will say there could never be too many. I don't really bug out about the unrealistic aspects of the show, except for 3 things:

1. For a show often set in LA and New York, there sure doesn't seem to be any traffic.

2. Jack Bauer has saved the world, what 6 times? Yet every year, there are a group of government assholes who just don't believe the guy, whether it's what he's saying, or even that he's not evil.

3. I never see anyone act tired or even drink coffee, yet all the characters stay up for well over 24 hours (assuming the 1st episode doesn't start with everyone waking up). Put a Red Bull in Bauer's hands and your show might bring in enough money to stay on the air.

This piece of crap deserves to get cancelled. As far as I'm concerned, that's what it gets for staying on too long and not trying to get any better.

Lose the good, take the bad

2010-04-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

I try not to make too much out of the individual deaths of people I don't know, as like to believe I have some grasp on the fickleness of health an the sheer number of people (some decent human beings, I imagine) who die every second over the world. On the contrary, I wasn't one of the people screaming at the TV that there was "too much Michael Jackson coverage" even if I didn't care too much. Despite that, the recent death of David Mills (aged 48) is probably the saddest celebrity death I've heard of in a long time.

Mills was an extremely successful black television and music writer, producer, and journalist, a man who seems to have devoted his career to not only discovering unique and meaningful artists, but creating one of a kind work along the way. A close friend of David Simon, Mills' writing resume reads like a DVD collection one might have in heaven:

The Wire, Homicide: Life on the Street, The Corner, NYPD Blue, ER, Kingpin, and most recently, HBO's upcoming show Treme, which along with Boardwalk Empire easily comprise my two most personally anticipated shows of the last 5 years.

I write this not just because Mills went to high school in my home county or graduated from the U. of MD, but more so because of what he accomplished with little national notoriety. Without being too presumptious, it certainly seems like Mills may have been one of, if not the best television writer of the last 15 years, perhaps ever. And throwing the word television in front of that phrase might not do him justice. There are truly some brilliant and humble people out there, and while they often go without proper recognition, we the audience are left to hear notorious celebrities whine about not getting a fair shake.

Yes, the media and its coverage of itself is often vain, false, and terribly counter-productive, but that's a rant not for today. To be blunt, if I or you are actually interested in anything, it's up to us to do the research, to commit the time and effort to find out the truth in life or entertainment, which at it's peak can itself be a study or portrait of life. It's find to be a casual passer by with a few cute comments here and there, often that's all I am, but I earnestly believe that ego, authenticity, and substance are three very different things, too often jumbled and switched around, perhaps unconsciously.

David Mills' blog.

LDO!

2010-04-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Listening to the Dan Patrick Show on the way to work this morning, I got to ponder this question: Would you exchange the tip of your pinky for the ability to dunk like an NBA player for ten years? I have a question for you, Mr. Patrick. What wouldn't you give up for that? I thought he said give up your whole pinky and my insta-response was still an emphatic yes. If something like this happened to be possible, I'd be willing to part with any one of my fingers (thumbs don't count) or both pinkies. If anything, it would be the greatest party trick/bar bet ever. I'm somewhere between 5'10" and 6'0" depending on my where my self-esteem is at that particular day, and my skin tone is pasty on a good day. Who's going to argue my pathetic little pinky isn't worth pulling shit like this:

My fingers are all little and stubby anyway. Seriously, my girlfriend is bite size and my hands barely cover hers. Pasty skin. little hands, I'm making myself sound reaaaaally sexy to my female audience.

A Smattering of Applause

2010-03-30T19:30:00.001-07:00

In a year in which the average American's attention was threatened to be distracted by events in other countries (natural disasters, coups, faux elections), we were once again saved by a supreme and divisive issue: health care.

Personally I've never seen this many people get in this heightened an uproar over an issue which a) they don't understand, b) doesn't involve terrorists, c) might actually help people, and d) doesn't directly affect everyone. Nevertheless, a legislative bill that draws support and opposition strictly across political lines (not a single house republican voted for the most recent incarnation) is sure to fire up somebody. So who's mad?

Poor people? Nope. Citizens striving for better health care? Na. The disenfranchised, disabled, or sick? Eh. Instead anger seems to stem mainly from one group, that of the historically marginalized, the great victims of American society: middle-aged white men. Ah, you guys have taken the brunt of our country's problems for too long, finally you stood up and declared as loudly as possible: "No more!"

Truly I thought most of the criticism of this bill would be that it took too long to become law, that this bill didn't go far enough in improving a problem long overlooked and ignored. Most of all, I thought the great fury would arise from the lack of a public option, originally thought to be at the core of this "solution". Public option health care is at the root of all the health plans implemented in other countries that we are so jealous. Even when I was a little kid, I knew Canada and Sweden had sweeter deals than us.

Aside: My favorite response to the idiotic claim from the last decade that 9/11 occurred because people in third world countries hate our "freedom" is, "Well, then why didn't they attack Denmark?"

In fact the uproar stems from those who ALREADY HAVE health care. Not from me, the guy who will be fined if I don't find some private plan to latch onto, or a great dearth of our society that's still going to be shut out or given a really nasty deal. I don't know if these "protesters" (it goes beyond teabaggers, unfortunately) actually believe their health care will be taken away, or if they are that upset that existing health care might actually start working for people. Perhaps they like sticking up for the little guy: big insurance companies who clearly had no voice in this debate...

Frankly, it's about them valuing something more knowing other people don't have it, and their subsequent anger at seeing the possible ease at which people can now get health care. It doesn't really matter if one worked hard to obtain their own health care, the point is they have it, so they can say they earned it through the grit and determination embodied by generations before.

Seriously, who actually understands this bill? I'd be surprised if more than 5 people in America actually read the whole thing. It's really sad that there's this much opposition to something that might not be that significant, but then again, it has given millions of uninformed white people the opportunity to blame all of society's ills on people who take welfare. God knows welfare encompasses 96% of our country's budget.

Also, what's up with people who scream "Don't take my medicare away, you big government liberals!" Fuck you, when have you said anything good about medicare or medicaid before? You realize this is a government subsidized industry right? Small government proponents usually end up sounding like asshole, mainly because the ones who get on TV actually do everything they can to expand government (bonuses to companies, banning abortion, sinking trillions (what's the next #, quadillion?) of dollars into "defense" (look out, Germany is bombing us).

I actually consider myself a proponent of small government ideals, which allows me to fit comfortably in with zero of the 2.14 American political parties. I'm pro-choice, pro-gambling, anti-war, don't like most cops, pro-agriculture, hate people who cry about taxes, pro-gay marriage (not that I actually try and force two gay people to wed, but evidently not really caring and getting all worked up about people I don't know dumps me in this category, i.e. fuck you for thinking you can control people's lives). Couple this with actually having some ideas of how this country could be less in debt, means I could be libertarian, except they're so very, very confused, and my general level of resentment isn't polished enough.

Despite the lack of any effort on my part, politicians don't seem to be listening to me. We are heading down a road of having school vouchers, religion increasing (regaining, extending, swallowing?) its influence on everything decision based, crappy jobs, no small businesses, no farms, no quality or affordable food, shitty infrastructure, and a total and inspiring effort to denounce anything that comes close to having the term "science" in it.

The silver lining of course, is that I was born during Reagan's 2nd term, and came of age with ~~Presidents~~ dipshits Bush, Clinton, and Bush. Basically I feel like we've spent 40 years trying to undo the New Deal, and now maybe we have the chance to move on. Then they brought out the fucking Prius, and uptight white people have another reason to get mad about stuff.

It's hard

2010-03-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

Say what you will about professional athletes - they're selfish, immature, irresponsible, bad role models, etcetera - but you can't call them lazy. With the exception of fat baseball players and Eddy Curry, athletes damn near kill themselves to look the way they do. Being that strong and looking that good is about more than protein shakes and lifting weights; it's a lifestyle commitment.

When was the last time you heard about Kobe Bryant's social life? Every day Kobe works out more than some people do in a whole year. And then he eats breakfast. It might be a cliche, but I'll lay 3 to 1 that Kobe is the first person to the gym and the last to leave 90% of the time. Peyton Manning is well-known for his diligence in the film room. He's been married for nine years but has no children. I won't leave out the possibility of him and his wife being unable to conceive, but I find it much more likely that they have decided to wait until he retires. It takes a lot of sacrifice to be the best.

Simply put, greatness requires discipline. I would love to look like a basketball player. I'll crush my body and workout harder than I ever thought possible. But I won't do it every day. I don't have the willpower to do it day in, day out and eat exactly what a nutritionist tells me. In the words of Vincent Vega, bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good. I don't think I'm willing to give up cheeseburgers for that extra little bit of definition. If somebody paid me millions of dollars to do it? I would take all my food in pill form for a year if enough money was on the line. Anybody want to take that bet? I reckon I can make cheese fry pills.