All I want for Christmas

Thank the lord, thank the lord, the NBA season is upon us! I won't mention the lockout ever again after this sentence because I've had enough of that business until the players opt out of the CBA in six years and we have another lockout. All I care about is that basketball, real basketball, is back and it really is all I want for Christmas. I don't care about presents; I don't care about spirit; I want to watch basketball all day.

Worse than expected: San Antonio

Better than expected: New Jersey, Minnesota, Denver, Indiana

Could sneak into the Conference Finals: Indiana

Could sneak into the Finals: Memphis, Boston, LA Clippers

Could be and epic disaster: LA Lakers, Boston (They've got range!)

Worst Team Ever: Charlotte

Coach who will get fired first: Stan Van Gundy

Coach who should get fired first: Vinny Del Negro

Coach of the Year: Lionel Hollins

Rookie of the Year: Ricky Rubio? I don't know, I don't watch college sports.

Most Improved Player: DeMarcus Cousins

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard (for the next decade or so)

6th Man of the Year: James Harden

Scoring Champ: Kevin Durant

MVP: CP3!

West Playoffs

Oklahoma City(1) vs Portland(8)

Memphis(2) vs San Antonio (7)

Dallas (3) vs LA Lakers (6)

Denver(4) vs LA Clippers(5)

OKC vs LA Clippers

Memphis vs LA Lakers

OKC vs LA Lakers

East Playoffs

Miami(1) fucking destroys Milwaukee (8)

Chicago(2) vs New Jersey(7)

Indiana(3) vs Philadelphia(6)

Boston(4) vs New York(5)

Miami vs New York

Chicago vs Indiana

Chicago vs New York

NBA Finals

Oklahoma City Thunder over Chicago Bulls in 7

This is what I kinda sorta look like

I have a strict doppelganger elimination policy. Should any of my associates ever encounter an impostor roaming the earth, they are to dispose of this person (or thing) on sight. This poses a slight problem as I have been told I look like the following celebrities:

Keanu Reeves

Wanted for stealing my thunder

Chris Klein

To be destroyed immediately

John Lennon

R.I.P

Elias Koteas

 Exactly what I will be in 30 years

If you don't know who Elias Koteas is, you are truly missing out. Known for such roles as Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movies and that creepy guy in Fallen, he is one of Canada's greatest of its numerous gifts to the world. I recently passed Elias Koteas in the street. I was too stunned to terminate him. Perhaps it for the best; he isn't a true doppelganger, more of a glimpse into my future. Keanu Reeves should take note.

Last Minute Emmy Predictions!!!!!!!!

I just found out the Emmys are tonight.

I am not in tuned.

Seems like a great chance to prove my prediction superiority. At any rate, some eight year old just gave the official 'Top 5 Worst Movies of the Year' for ABC. Things are getting bleak.

Best Actress Comedy: Edie Falco

Best Actor Comedy: Jim Parsons

Best Supporting Actress Comedy: Jane Lynch

Best Supporting Actor Comedy: Ed O'Neill

Best Comedy Series: Modern Family

Best Actress Drama: Mossy Mossy (Mad Men)

Best Actor Drama: Buscemi. Without mother fuckin question

Supporting Actress Drama: Christine Baranski

Supporting Actor Drama: Andre Braugher

Drama Series: Game of Thrones

I'm not making Mini Series picks.

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Which one of these fraternal twins do you want to be our next President?

I'll top the list as soon I get famous

I haven't had the time to write much lately. My workload basically doubled overnight. Somewhere in all this madness is a good book or New Yorker article. One day I'll have my life together enough to write whole paragraphs. Until that day comes, here's another list.

James's somewhere between predictable and off the beaten path list of celebrity crushes

Marisa Tomei
Less than four years until she is the original member and all time champion of my hottest ladies over 50 club.

Anne Hathaway
Nothing like a nice Jewish-looking girl with perfect lips and eyes to make momma happy.

Eva Mendes
Is there a single flaw on her body? Great curves, smooth skin, and just the right amount of trouble in her eyes. She even has a perfectly sized bonus mole a la Cindy Crawford. Easily my number one if not for...

George Clooney
Duh

I'll be the first resident of The Pompous

What do you think these names are for?

Ashley

Olivia

Archstone

Mima

Atelier

Loft

Aire

WYYZ

SOS

Edge

Do those all sound like tacky restaurants to you? That would make too much sense to warrant this post. Nope, they're apartment buildings. Apparently it's no longer good enough to overpay for a cookie cutter condo in tomorrow's hottest location, today! Now we all have to live in individually branded condos so the whole world knows we chose this particular condo for its ambiguous one-word title beginning in A*. What's with that anyway? Some marketing genius must have decided A is a dominant letter or something. It's that kind of subtle confidence that convinces people that the building that looks exactly like the one down the street (inside and out) is somehow Jesus reincarnated as a condominium. Get in on the ground floor now before this neighborhood goes out of fashion!

I've been inside enough of these "luxury condos" to affirmatively state that the only identity they're selling is permission to advertise your specific income range to other people whose only means of telling people apart is how much money they make. The only identity on sale is an inflated sense of self worth. I'm not omniscient - I'm barely even presentable - but even I know if you're the only person who cares about the name of your building, it's not worth bringing up in conversation. Here's a fun game you can play: the next time somebody name drops their cookie cutter condo, make up one of your own and watch them wither up in shame of having lost the superficial status game.

Just watch, I'll end up living in one of these places. I can't really complain if I do. ***SHAMELESS GLOATING ALERT*** My boss is going to pay for my apartment, after all. ***PATHETIC BRAGGING COMPLETE***

*Unless you count "The" at the beginning, which every single one of these has. Since when were buildings rock bands?

Important questions

Some jerkass once said there's no such thing as a stupid question. That guy probably didn't talk to any stupid people. I get asked a lot of questions. Some of them are not of exceptional intelligence. These are some of those questions.

Do you have a moment for [insert cause here]? No, I don't have time. I read your precious NPR and sign petitions online. Now fuck off.

Do you have the time? Do you own a cell phone?

Are all those dogs yours? Yes, I own four dogs. I also have seventeen cats, three hamsters, a chimpanzee and three dozen goldfish. Did I mention I live in a mansion?

How do I get to [really easy to find New York landmark]? First step is saying excuse me. Aren't you supposed to think New Yorkers are surly? If you're too selfish to be polite about it, I will never give you directions. If you are exceptionally rude, I might even send in the wrong direction. (Yes, I have done this.)

Do you want to do me a favor? Of course not.

Will you me a favor? Probably. What can I say? I'm a nice guy like that.

Now I want gummy bears

Working outdoors isn't always a walk in the park. Well, it is literally a walk in the park, but don't let that distract you from my metaphor. Work with me people! Walking several miles a day with creatures designed to disobey you can be quite tiring. As it turns out, there aren't many options for a quick snack when you've got multiple dogs attached to you determined to eat everything in the store. Local merchants don't take kindly to my folk. I had to come up with a solution that didn't cost me tons of money or test the human body's capacity for bananas. 

Enter homemade clif bars. These are so good and so easy to make, I put my name on them. The thing I really love about making these bars is they can be as healthy or junkalicious as I want. Hell, you could throw in gummy bears if you felt like it. The sky is the limit!

James Bars

Dry

2 cups quick oats

1 cup crushed cereal such as Kashi, Rice Krispies, or whatever you like (You can even use pretzels)

Dried fruit, nuts, seeds, chocolate chips, anything your heart desires. My usual suspects are golden raisins, cranberries, walnuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds, and obviously chocolate.

Wet

1 cup agave nectar

1 cup peanut butter

Potential add-ons: Cocoa powder for more chocolaty goodness, instant coffee for, um coffee goodness, both for mocha party.

Mix the dry ingredients in a big bowl. Melt the wet ingredients together over low heat and stir constantly until it's one warm syrup. Pour the syrup into the bowl and mix everything up as well as you can. It will get messy. Transfer to a big plate or baking sheet and spread out flat, doing your best to evenly distribute the syrup. Let it dry and cut into bars.

Who designed this place?

I don't know when this happened, but it seems like every single grocery store in America- or at least the parts I've been to. Don't ask me about Nebraska- refuses to let you leave without walking through the check out area. More often than not, this involves shuffling through a group of paying customers and possibly ducking under some makeshift barricade. Okay, I can get on board with theft prevention, but there has to be a better method besides trapping the people who want to leave without buying something. Yes, those people exist. 

Don't be so full of yourself, grocery stores. Not every single person who steps through your doors is here to buy your precious groceries. While strawberries at $12.99/lb is the offer of a lifetime, some of us are just perusing for free samples or casing you for a public bathroom. Is it really necessary to make us awkwardly squeeze past paying customers just to exit your store? Are we supposed to feel ashamed for not buying anything? It could just be you want the superior purchasing prowess of your customers to rub off on us. Whatever it is, please provide an exit for the freeloaders, mind-changers and alike. Your suspicious glances are never going to stop me from exiting through the entrance. All they do is give me more inspiration to egregiously misinterpret those "Please Take One" signs.

It's John Cusack or Danny Glover

The day of reckoning is upon us. As if I need to offer more explanation, I'm talking about May 21, 2012, the day all the stars align, bringing forth unimaginable destruction from which only John Cusack can save us. Since this is obviously inevitable, it's probably a good idea to grab as many good karma points as you can find. What if hell really exists? Nobody wants to be the odd person out on Judgment Day. So do something good and donate to the Run For Change before it's too late. It's for kids and kids are the future until the world as we know it is obliterated next year.

Bragging Rights

As of last week, I have gone two years and counting since my last cigarette. Despite numerous attempts to be a "casual" smoker, it turns out I'm not a woman, so it was boom or bust for my quitting hopes. I had made it as long as five months at one point. The day I started again (I refuse to say relapsed. I wasn't a coke addict.) I was straight back to a solid pack a day habit. At least a dozen more short-lived "done for good" postures and countless packs later, I had crossed the point where cigarettes had anything to add to my life. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I no longer smoked because I liked it; I smoked because I was a smoker. 

No, I didn't up and quit when I reached this realization. I had at least two years of rueing every single cigarette I smoked before I stopped for good. Still, I don't regret that it took me so long. We all quit at our own pace. I quit when I was ready. It didn't come down to some epiphany (either real or imagined) or any self-imposed ultimatum. At some point, I just decided it was my time. Two year later, all the nicotine out my system, I still have mixed emotions about the whole experience.

Like so many young men motivated my hormones and the desire to not look so fucking uncomfortable, I started smoking because of a girl. The girl is irrelevant. Seventeen year old James was ready to grow long hair and pierce his ear if it meant getting girls to pay attention. Yeeeeah, that really happened. (For the record, chicks dig the hair.) As I was saying, she smoked, so I smoked, and I was stuck at that point. It was fun finding a brand- Marlboro, FYI and FTW- and embracing the false sense of rebellion reserved for teenagers who didn't really have it that bad growing up. But that all fades. It turns out smoking is kind of terrible for you in every way imaginable, not the least of which being the excessive trips outside during snow storms. Eventually you realize you don't know why you smoke anymore. Maybe you have piss poor anger management. Maybe every single one of your friends smoke. Maybe you convinced yourself it's part of the mystique about being a artist. Maybe you're me and you pencilled in "All of the above." However you get there, at some point, it stops making sense. 

Cigarettes are an addiction that defies logic. Drug addicts don't just get high to feed their addiction; drugs are fun. Getting high is fun. Nothing is particularly fun about cigarettes. The temporary relaxation, the so-called nicotine hit, is a carcinogenic replacement for the cheapest, healthiest relaxation method in the world: breathing. Smoking is all the downside without any of the benefits. The more you think about it, the more you realize how much you don't want to smoke anymore. So why do I still look back on those years with nostalgia?

Cigarettes are unhealthy, expensive, smelly, downright vile when you think about it. Above all else, cigarettes are cool. The desire to be cool is the reason we start smoking. The fabricated charisma surrounding smokers is more than enough to keep smokers smoking. And when it's all settled in, pride, smoker's pride, is stronger than any patch, stick of gum or holistic scam artist can ever be. I still have that pride. Even though I hate cigarettes, resent their very existence, I always argue for smoker's rights. I genuinely believe bars should have the right to designate themselves as smoking or clean living. Does that make me a Libertarian or am I just a smoker?

I still love cigarettes. Although I believe I have a good shot at remaining clean for the rest of my life - I've already come this far - I still envy those who puff away despite all the research, all the stigma, all the $13 packs. In some way I see them as braver than me, more stubborn. My Irish side admires such qualities. But I'll stick it out. They tell me I'm adding years to my life this way. It's cool, I'll cancel that out with bourbon and anxiety.

Cloudy with a chance of awkward

I was recently stuck trusted with the responsibility of training new co-workers. The actual training part isn't too demanding. We walk dogs, there aren't many nuances to discuss. As I soon found out, perhaps I wished there were was more to talk about.  

Training a new dog walker is not like training the new associate of interdepartmental meddling. There is no office to speak of, no people to deflect questions to, no escape. It's just you and this stranger walking around looking for something to talk about for six to eight hours. As it turns out, one of my trainees was quite pleasant and the other was perfectly agreeable, so I wasn't standing there in silence, searching for new ways to describe how this particular dog likes to shit. But there's still only so much you can say to a person you just met. It would have been ill-advised to bring up topics such as my penchant for mooning my girlfriend or complaints about my mother. Riveting subjects like those are reserved for close friends and anonymous readers.

I do my best not to be awkward, but I'm not Mr. Gregarious either. It's hard to talk to one person all day. When you have so many hours to fill, small talk starts looking pretty damn interesting. The whole training experience reminded how valuable small talk can be. We can't all have the gift of gab. For the rest of us, conversations with strangers can be challenging, and silences can be terrifying. So forgive us plebes for discussing the weather. Personally, I find it interesting.

Mama, There Goes that Man

If there's two truths I know to be certain of in this world, it is that Newt Gingrich is ugly and James sure doesn't like Mark Jackson. Personally, I can't stand Marv Albert, but the important thing is that both the writers of this blog are resentful towards somebody thats more successful than us. It'd be hard to fit in otherwise.

Prediction Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EAST

Chicago vs Indiana

The Pacers are in the playoffs you say? Are they still playing with upwards of 3 white guys on the court at once? How many Australians still get substantial minutes? Whether or not Austin Croshere still plays basketball is beyond me, but I'm pretty sure the Bulls could win without having the best point guard in the league.

Chicago, 4-1

Miami vs Philadelphia

What a turnaround for a team that just last year was the least popular pro sports team in its city. Who am I talking about? Both teams! See how that goes? That's what the kids call a merge.

I'm fairly certain last year the 76ers drew the worst attendance in the league, behind even Minnesota. Now they get to play the most despised team this side of the 1980s Detroit Pistons, and not even the ghost of Eric Snow himself could help.

Miami, 4-0

Boston vs New York

Originally I believed this to be the worst possible first round matchup for the Knicks. Then I decided Carmelo Anthony is going to drop over 30 in multiple games. If the Knicks can hold Garnett to a reasonable FG%, they have a shot. Jermaine O'Neal and Shaq won't do shit. I forsee Chauncey Billups psyching out Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen having a game where he makes like 9 threes, and another couple where he shots like 15%. Melo outscores Pierce, and Amare does something. I mean, he has to9 do something right? Any Landry Fields points are merely a bonus.

New York, 4-2

Orlando vs Atlanta

Orlando thought getting Hedo back would be the move they needed to get back in the NBA Finals and win a championship? Congrats, now you're the #4 seed and you have to play a team desperate to prove they belong among the top teams in the east. Orlando swept Atlanta in the playoffs last year, but that was a different Orlando team. This one has Turkoglu, Reddick, Arenas, and Anderson. Ugh. The Hawks are ready to prove they can make it back to the East semifinals and lose in 5 games this year!

Atlanta, 4-3

WEST

San Antonio vs Memphis

See, the problem is Memphis doesn't have Rudy Gay. Rudy Gay is from Baltimore and in the NBA, thereby inherently awesome. Zack Randolph is tearing it up you say? Alrighty...

The Spurs counter in front court silliness with one Mr. Antonio McDyess. In case you don't know, that means they now have at least 3 players whose pacts with the Devil have yet to expire. Teams with McDyess don't lose in the first round man, are you nuts? The Grizzlies win one in San Antonio, then lose by 31 points at home.

San Antonio, 4-2

Los Angeles vs New Orleans

Phil Jackson is about to have a jarring realization that maybe Derek Fisher isn't the guy to start at PG for a championship team in 2011. Chris Paul is going to make this guy look silly. I mean, Fisher barely plays defense against mediocre PGs. Fortunately for me, this means getting to see some serious (Maryland alert!) Steve Blake action, contingent of course on him overcoming the chicken pox. What a sheltered childhood that guy led. The Lakers are too big and too mean, and Hornets leading scorer David West isn't even playing.

Los Angeles, 4-0

Dallas vs Portland

Lot of noise around Portland pulling an upset and Dallas flaking out for the umpteenth year. I have only one point: This is not the early 1990s. Portland won't win.

Dallas, 4-2

Oklahoma City vs Denver

Division rivals hit the hardwood in a battle of teams who traded awesome players away. While Raymond Felton now leads the Nuggets in assists and steals for the year, the team's leader in ppg is still Carmelo Anthony. Sure, the Thunder will miss Jeff Green...when they get to the 2nd round. These Knicks castoffs are going to feel the playoff pressure, and crumble in the face of Kevin Durant scoring like all the time.

Oklahoma City, 4-1

Do you hate children or something?

Of course you don't. Hating kids is like hating puppies, and if you hate puppies you are just an asshole. Kids are awesome. Look at this guy:

See, kids are all about the win. So be a good human and donate to a worthy cause: James getting in shape! I'm at least partially kidding. I'm running a 5K for Common Cents, a non-profit organization that teaches young folk how they can be better people and improve the lives of the less fortunate. See, it's not only for kids, it's also for poor people. If you hate kids and poor people, you might as well be Dick Cheney. You're not Dick Cheney, are you? I didn't think so. Help me get to my goal of $375 and you will sleep better at night. Probably. Just do it. Don't be a dick. Cheney.

Click here if you are a good person

Yes, the garbage man can!

Sometimes it's the little things that stand out. On a cold rainy day that has no business being cold or rainy- it's spring, right?- I was stuck on a long block carrying dog poop to the corner. Along comes a garbage truck and the garbage man stops what he's doing to take the bag from me. It wasn't a big deal at all, but he didn't have to do it. He went out of his way to do something nice. You don't see that very often these days. That man is my person of the day. 

(Skip ahead 15 minutes in for the goodness)

Am I missing something?

Duane Reade is acting like this new location above Trader Joe's is on par with clear Pepsi or the return of Jesus. I can literally see two other Duane Reades standing outside the new one. 

The yellow mark is the new spot. Notice two other locations immediately next to it, and four others in the area.

So, why the song and dance? Literally, they had people in tuxedos doing coordinated dances to the celebrate the grand return of... Advil and condoms? Well, thanks for the free chips; they were DeLish!

I swear I'm straight

I'd like to play a game with you. What do all of these things have in common?

Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Alice in Wonderland
The Birdcage
Sister Act
The Addams Family
Billy Elliot
Catch Me If You Can

Did you say they are all movies? You are soooo behind the times, loser. They're all musicals dummy! Like everything else in Times Square, Broadway is he'll-bent on selling itself to tourists and other generic human beings. Yes, The Lion King and Mary Poppins are successful, well-received musicals. They also happen to be based on movies that were, you know, musicals. Even most of those fail these days. It's almost as if Broadway producers got the memo that Hollywood is having it's most unoriginal year ever and decided to see which industry could alienate the artistic community more. Well, good luck with that Broadway, you're up against an industry that is basing it's art on forgotten toys from the 80s. Who wants to see the Stretch Armstrong* movie? Just kidding, I'm seeing Battleship* opening night.

*Real movies

Next stop: Heartburn

The venerable Edmund graced me with a most welcome visit recently. I'll save you the bro-love and get to the meat of our week together. By meat, I literally mean animal flesh. Despite our slight frames and rapidly deteriorating internal organs, Edmund and I like ourselves some food. So we set out to stuff ourselves with as much of New York as we could (pun alert!) stomach. With our only plans being go to Queens at some point and don't eat brunch- That's right, no brunch. Although this might shock recent immigrants from Massachusetts and Connecticut reveling in their "authentic" New York experiences, there is more to this city than $18 egg sandwiches and vegan bakeries- we backed our way into a week of indulgence any foodie could get down with. I invite all of you in New York to emulate or top the gauntlet of consumption we put together.

Tehuitzingo tacos: The only Mexican food that comes close to my experience in L.A. The unassuming front of a deli makes way to a miniature Mexican joint in the back. Two flour tortillas, perfectly cooked meat, a smattering of onions and cilantro and your choice of various salsas. Perfect.

Holey Cream donut ice cream sandwiches: Oh, it's worse than you think. They take a homemade donut, top it with three scoops of quality ice cream, dip the top of the donut in glaze and your choice of topping. I had been there once before and shared one when I was very hungry and it still gave me a stomach ache. Ed and I had a whole one each immediately after tacos. Why? Because we are champions.

Sal, Kris & Charlie's: This is where you end up when you Google "best sandiwches in Astoria." It was only 13 inches long and stuffed with about seven different cold cuts. No big deal.

B&H Dairy: One of those places that looks like it's been around for centuries. I've been going there for more than ten years. I'm not a soup person but their soup is consistently excellent and usually served by a guy I could swear has been there since my first visit. Despite being the size of a newsstand, they make fresh challah every day that matches up with any bakery in the city.

Prosperity Dumplings: Named the #2 dumpling in Chinatown for a reason. Why didn't we go to #1? What am I, the answer man? They were delicious and cost a dollar. A perfect warm up for...

Xi'an Famous Foods: This was slightly delayed by getting severely lost in Chinatown. You go on one quest for a bathroom and you get all sorts of turned around down there. Before we knew it we were in a sea of sit-down restaurants that looked no better than the run-of-the-mill joints all over the city. All I wanted was a place that does one thing really well and has at most a counter. Just when we were ready to give up we found this spot. Hand-pulled noodles made right in front of you, served with delicious meats and a hearty amount of a spicy, garlicky sauce I like to call awesome. I can't believe it took me this long to discover this place.

Continental: Okay, so this is a bar and we didn't eat anything there. But I think 5 shots for $10 is worth mentioning when Maker's Mark is one of the options. An ideal place to watch the Knicks blow a win while two girls get waaaay too drunk for 9pm and make out in an empty bar. It wasn't as cool as it sounds. Still, cheap booze!

Momiji Sushi: This was our official tipping point. We covered the cost of our $26 all you can eat sushi with the first of three rounds. We made a couple mistakes with our ordering strategy so we only got through $93 worth. Next time I'll have a plan. That place is about to go broke. Imagine the live action version of this:

They might as well buy me out now and get it over with.

Maoz: It's a chain but that doesn't make it any less delicious. Places like this just go to show you can eat 1000 calories in vegetables if you just have the willpower. 

2 Bros Pizza: Sure, we could have gone to a fancy spot like Lombardi's, but this new trend of $1 pizza spots really comes through after a night of healthy drinking. Why would you ever pay more for a slice in Manhattan these days?

Island Burgers and Shakes (for breakfast): Never underestimate a place that only does one or two things and has consistent business. I can't speak for the shakes, but they make burgers or chicken sandwiches with all sorts of topping combinations. Plenty of sauces and sandwiches so big you'll happily let them fall apart.

I'm gonna go ahead and call this a week of win. I'm talking to you, Charlie Sheen. 

How do I get on the Do Not Stalk List?

Lately, my spam has been way too specific to be a mere coincidence. Even if you factor in Google and Facebook aggressively whoring my information to the highest bidder- I am convinced it is nearly impossible to completely turn off Facebook privacy violations- there have been some instances of spam creeping me the eff out. This goes beyond your simple Canadian drug ads (totally interested, btw) or Brandi, who totally wants to see you again XOXO; this stuff is starting to tap into details of my life that don't even involve computers.

Just the other morning I helped my father remodel his bathroom. It wasn't planned, there was no email exchange or even a phone conversation about it. I just showed up to say hi and helped him for an hour. Mere minutes after leaving, I got an email inviting me to "Remodel your bathroom today!" The only way the spammers could have known I was working on a bathroom is if they are actually the public acts of a secret organization that watches our every move, cluttering our lives with useless information to throw us off the scent of those who are truly in power. It's just like that movie coming out with Matt Damon. He's a dreamboat.

I think I'm onto something here. Right before publishing, the bathroom email mysteriously disappeared from my inbox. I might not have much time. If I'm never heard from again, you know what to do. Matt Damon must be stopped!

Don't even get me started on rollerblades

I'm ready to take one for the team. I've started intentionally obstructing bikers on the sidewalk. As my *ahem* lawyer girlfriend will happily explain, bicycles are vehicles and thus subject to the same rules as cars. I'm not suggesting bikers stop at every red light and always ride in the proper direction. Bikers gotta bike. But these people who go flying down the sidewalk past babies, old people and other fragile creatures need to be taught a lesson. I'll leave the rules and regulations to my *ahem!* lawyer girlfriend. I'm more of a vigilante justice kind of guy. From this day forth, I am holding myself internet accountable to put reckless bikers in their place. I solemnly swear to juke, shimmy and swerve my best to slow down these rolling hazards.

I'll even take it one step further get in the way of anyone on a scooter above the age of nine. Scooters aren't really dangerous, but anybody pompous enough to ride one- be it ironic or sincere- under the contrived pretense of faster transportation is beyond pretentious to think they are important enough to endanger the health of pedestrians. If walking is too time-consuming, take the train. If you're such a faux environmentalist that you can't bear the thought of adding your carbon footprint to something that operates with or without you, stop being a douche and ride a bike like a normal person. Of course, you'll probably ride your bike on the sidewalk so you can keep being inconsiderate and selfish.

On our next episode: golf umbrellas in the street are an excellent excuse to yell "Fore!" into executives' ears.