Yes, the garbage man can!

Sometimes it's the little things that stand out. On a cold rainy day that has no business being cold or rainy- it's spring, right?- I was stuck on a long block carrying dog poop to the corner. Along comes a garbage truck and the garbage man stops what he's doing to take the bag from me. It wasn't a big deal at all, but he didn't have to do it. He went out of his way to do something nice. You don't see that very often these days. That man is my person of the day. 

(Skip ahead 15 minutes in for the goodness)

Am I missing something?

Duane Reade is acting like this new location above Trader Joe's is on par with clear Pepsi or the return of Jesus. I can literally see two other Duane Reades standing outside the new one. 

The yellow mark is the new spot. Notice two other locations immediately next to it, and four others in the area.

So, why the song and dance? Literally, they had people in tuxedos doing coordinated dances to the celebrate the grand return of... Advil and condoms? Well, thanks for the free chips; they were DeLish!

I swear I'm straight

I'd like to play a game with you. What do all of these things have in common?

Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Alice in Wonderland
The Birdcage
Sister Act
The Addams Family
Billy Elliot
Catch Me If You Can

Did you say they are all movies? You are soooo behind the times, loser. They're all musicals dummy! Like everything else in Times Square, Broadway is he'll-bent on selling itself to tourists and other generic human beings. Yes, The Lion King and Mary Poppins are successful, well-received musicals. They also happen to be based on movies that were, you know, musicals. Even most of those fail these days. It's almost as if Broadway producers got the memo that Hollywood is having it's most unoriginal year ever and decided to see which industry could alienate the artistic community more. Well, good luck with that Broadway, you're up against an industry that is basing it's art on forgotten toys from the 80s. Who wants to see the Stretch Armstrong* movie? Just kidding, I'm seeing Battleship* opening night.

*Real movies

Next stop: Heartburn

The venerable Edmund graced me with a most welcome visit recently. I'll save you the bro-love and get to the meat of our week together. By meat, I literally mean animal flesh. Despite our slight frames and rapidly deteriorating internal organs, Edmund and I like ourselves some food. So we set out to stuff ourselves with as much of New York as we could (pun alert!) stomach. With our only plans being go to Queens at some point and don't eat brunch- That's right, no brunch. Although this might shock recent immigrants from Massachusetts and Connecticut reveling in their "authentic" New York experiences, there is more to this city than $18 egg sandwiches and vegan bakeries- we backed our way into a week of indulgence any foodie could get down with. I invite all of you in New York to emulate or top the gauntlet of consumption we put together.

Tehuitzingo tacos: The only Mexican food that comes close to my experience in L.A. The unassuming front of a deli makes way to a miniature Mexican joint in the back. Two flour tortillas, perfectly cooked meat, a smattering of onions and cilantro and your choice of various salsas. Perfect.

Holey Cream donut ice cream sandwiches: Oh, it's worse than you think. They take a homemade donut, top it with three scoops of quality ice cream, dip the top of the donut in glaze and your choice of topping. I had been there once before and shared one when I was very hungry and it still gave me a stomach ache. Ed and I had a whole one each immediately after tacos. Why? Because we are champions.

Sal, Kris & Charlie's: This is where you end up when you Google "best sandiwches in Astoria." It was only 13 inches long and stuffed with about seven different cold cuts. No big deal.

B&H Dairy: One of those places that looks like it's been around for centuries. I've been going there for more than ten years. I'm not a soup person but their soup is consistently excellent and usually served by a guy I could swear has been there since my first visit. Despite being the size of a newsstand, they make fresh challah every day that matches up with any bakery in the city.

Prosperity Dumplings: Named the #2 dumpling in Chinatown for a reason. Why didn't we go to #1? What am I, the answer man? They were delicious and cost a dollar. A perfect warm up for...

Xi'an Famous Foods: This was slightly delayed by getting severely lost in Chinatown. You go on one quest for a bathroom and you get all sorts of turned around down there. Before we knew it we were in a sea of sit-down restaurants that looked no better than the run-of-the-mill joints all over the city. All I wanted was a place that does one thing really well and has at most a counter. Just when we were ready to give up we found this spot. Hand-pulled noodles made right in front of you, served with delicious meats and a hearty amount of a spicy, garlicky sauce I like to call awesome. I can't believe it took me this long to discover this place.

Continental: Okay, so this is a bar and we didn't eat anything there. But I think 5 shots for $10 is worth mentioning when Maker's Mark is one of the options. An ideal place to watch the Knicks blow a win while two girls get waaaay too drunk for 9pm and make out in an empty bar. It wasn't as cool as it sounds. Still, cheap booze!

Momiji Sushi: This was our official tipping point. We covered the cost of our $26 all you can eat sushi with the first of three rounds. We made a couple mistakes with our ordering strategy so we only got through $93 worth. Next time I'll have a plan. That place is about to go broke. Imagine the live action version of this:

They might as well buy me out now and get it over with.

Maoz: It's a chain but that doesn't make it any less delicious. Places like this just go to show you can eat 1000 calories in vegetables if you just have the willpower. 

2 Bros Pizza: Sure, we could have gone to a fancy spot like Lombardi's, but this new trend of $1 pizza spots really comes through after a night of healthy drinking. Why would you ever pay more for a slice in Manhattan these days?

Island Burgers and Shakes (for breakfast): Never underestimate a place that only does one or two things and has consistent business. I can't speak for the shakes, but they make burgers or chicken sandwiches with all sorts of topping combinations. Plenty of sauces and sandwiches so big you'll happily let them fall apart.

I'm gonna go ahead and call this a week of win. I'm talking to you, Charlie Sheen. 

How do I get on the Do Not Stalk List?

Lately, my spam has been way too specific to be a mere coincidence. Even if you factor in Google and Facebook aggressively whoring my information to the highest bidder- I am convinced it is nearly impossible to completely turn off Facebook privacy violations- there have been some instances of spam creeping me the eff out. This goes beyond your simple Canadian drug ads (totally interested, btw) or Brandi, who totally wants to see you again XOXO; this stuff is starting to tap into details of my life that don't even involve computers.

Just the other morning I helped my father remodel his bathroom. It wasn't planned, there was no email exchange or even a phone conversation about it. I just showed up to say hi and helped him for an hour. Mere minutes after leaving, I got an email inviting me to "Remodel your bathroom today!" The only way the spammers could have known I was working on a bathroom is if they are actually the public acts of a secret organization that watches our every move, cluttering our lives with useless information to throw us off the scent of those who are truly in power. It's just like that movie coming out with Matt Damon. He's a dreamboat.

I think I'm onto something here. Right before publishing, the bathroom email mysteriously disappeared from my inbox. I might not have much time. If I'm never heard from again, you know what to do. Matt Damon must be stopped!