In six years Tim Tebow will either be doing NFL Coors commercials, or be vice president

The NFL Draft is a welcome sports shakeup for me, personally I've heard enough about the Flyers and Devils to last me a good 17 years. Clearly we all understand the concept of not attaching unreasonable expectations to players who have never tasted the game on a professional level, many of them not even legal to drink in this country. To the contrary, this draft brings what seems like a larger share of really hyped college players, including all the Heisman runner ups.

I'll briefly discuss impact players, and teams which may or may not benefit from their draft picks. Of course the draft isn't over, and the 7th round picks could end up being far more relevant than the first three, but personally I feel it to be unlikely.

Truly, I feel like the Kansas City Chiefs may come out of this draft with the most balanced crop of picks, as far as overall player quality and ability to start is concerned. They picked some incredible athletes, a group which includes some big name college players who start at fairly, glamorous I guess you'd call it, positions. I don't believe this necessarily means the Chiefs will have the most success with their picks for the next few years, because adaptation to the team and its game plan and chemistry obviously weighs very heavily.

The Chiefs first 3 picks: Eric Berry, Dexter McCluster, Javier Arenas

With no exaggeration or offense to Joe Haden, Kansas City just picked the two best defensive players in the SEC, and maybe the country. I don't need to get into any kind of stances on college football right now, but a lot of people and the CBS network think the SEC is the best I guess.

That doesn't matter as much as the fact that Berry is without a doubt the best defensive player in the draft, a strong safety who can clamp down in man coverage, pick of passes across the field, pass rush, sack, force turnovers, and stop the run. Arenas is a fantastic cover corner, but I think is less of a safe bet for the NFL, though I suppose there are enough crappy receivers out there. I think he returns punts too. McCluster is a running back from the south who has dreads and will be better than fellow Ole Miss alum Deuce McAllister.

Detroit made a pretty good #2 pick with Heisman nominee Suh, mainly because the Lions' defensive has been exceptionally soft for several years, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised to see even St. Louis or Tampa Bay drop 42 on them on any given week. Then they took a RB who certainly will not save their team or win them many games on his own, and that's not even a knock on Jahvid Best. Maybe Detroit figures they need to score a ton every game in order to ever win, so I will reserve some judgement on them taking a RB so early.

Tampa Bay took 2 defensive tackles with their first picks, and perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but I respect what looks like an honest attempt at rebuilding from the line out, building a core that may last several years. They will still win fewer than 7 games next year.

The Redskins took an offensive tackle so far, but won't have another pick until round 4. Seems very appropriate. I think they win 8 games next year.

I really don't care about Tim Tebow.

The Bills took and explosive RB in CJ Spiller and two defensive lineman, which is very much some of what they need the most.

I don't understand how Los Angeles lost a football team to St. Louis. 3 wins.

More to come later.

An open letter to my boss

(Name changed for obvious reasons. Everything besides the name is 100% honest.)

Dear Allison,

I am writing you today in an effort to clear up some of the issues we have been during the hours we spend together at the office. While I appreciate your dedication to your job and your desire to hold your employees to a certain standard, I believe there is a disparity between your expectations and the compensation you provide. You pay us next to nothing for the work we do. On top of this, you hired me and my coworkers as independent contractors, ensuring us no overtime, benefits or job security would be made available at any point. I have no issue with this; we're still in a recession and I have bills to pay. But when you "strongly encourage" me to play around on the company's website outside of work, it displays your lack of a fundamental understanding of how this relationship is set up. When you pay people fuck all and offer them no incentive whatsoever to do well at the job you don't have employees, you have worker bees. And as much as I enjoy a good donut, bringing us donuts in the morning once a week does not qualify as boosting office morale. In fact, the sugar rush probably causes us to work slower, and I know how obsessed you are with our speed.

Speed seems to be one of the main focuses of this project. This makes perfect sense. Our workload is theoretically endless, so we want to get as much done as we can every day. However, when the only motivation you provide is by emailing us to say "you guys need to be going 3 times as fast, at least" you not only discourage us by presenting an impossible task, you out yourself as an idiot and lose our respect. Before you sent that email, did it not occur to you that humans are organic beings incapable of suddenly tripling their pace? Ignoring the physical aspect of this, did you ever consider that presenting your workers with such a laughably unreasonable goal would only prove to further weaken your already tenuous relationship with us? Perhaps if you had elaborated even the slightest bit, you might have gotten through to us. But you showed us no sign to suggest you had any comprehension of what working three times as fast might entail. Then you made it worse by casually reminding us that "Quality, in addition to speed, also matters." The only logical conclusion I can come to after looking at that email is that you never even considered whether or not what you were saying made a lick of sense. It has to be that because the alternative is that you are suffering from some kind of undiagnosed mental impairment.

The more I think about it, the more that actually makes sense to me. After all, a normal person of your stature would have figured out by now that "thanks," followed by nothing is not a proper way to end an email. I talk to you every day so I know you speak perfect English. You managed to climb the ladder all the way to a job with "Director" in the title, so you must at least have a rudimentary knowledge of grammar and punctuation. Still, every other email I get from you ends with "thanks," and never gets corrected. I've seen you put your name at the end of emails before. I know you have a basic understanding of how these things work. This only causes me to worry more.

At first, I joked to my friends that you seemed to have no comprehension of human communication. With each passing day I become more concerned that you actually don't know how to communicate. When you told us that we were shifting our focus from speed to quality we all took it to heart. Why then do you only come to me to ask me how my speed is going? You can't have it both ways. When you order a burger, do you ask for it well done and criticize the chef for not making it rare enough? Why do you make it a point to tell me I'm doing good work only to follow it up by saying my speed has decreased? Yes Allison, my speed has decreased because you told me to work slower. I'll tell you what, from now on I'll work 4.28 times faster and do it twice as well as before. I'm only pointing out these failures of yours because I fear I'm the first person to do so. I'm not going to tell you to seek help, but your ineptitude has an effect on my day so I'm asking you to keep these things in mind when you speak to me.


thanks,

Aww here it goes!

LeBron has been waiting a year to be back in the playoffs. At long last, that day has come for him. For Knicks fans such as myself, the day or reckoning has yet to come. Hyped as I may be for all of the great series to come in the next two months- including the dream matchup of Kobe vs. LeBron we missed out on last year- it's all about July 1st in my world. LeBron spent a year letting the taste of last year's disappointent fester; Knicks fans have had to live through nine miserable years with the likes of Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Starbury, sexual harassment lawsuits, James Dolan, and he who shall no longer be mentioned. We more or less forfeited the last two seasons in the hopes of landing a big free agent this summer. Not too long ago, a stranger who noticed my New York license plate asked me if I was still a Knicks fan. I proudly said yes, but I was embarassed that a question like that could ever be asked.

It can't be overstated how unreasonably risky it is what the Knicks are doing. They have four players under contract right now. Three once you account for the fact that Eddy Curry might as well be retired at this point. They don't even have a first round draft pick. With or without LeBron, the Knicks' cieling in 2011 might be a 6th seed in the East and a swift exit from the playoffs. Even sadder, the hard truth is that the Knicks' future probably doesn't include LeBron James.

Joe Johnson and Chris Bosh make for a respectable alternative to landing LeBron. But do those two guarantee a championship? The Knicks will be major contenders, but they won't have that one player who abolutely scares the life out of opponents. They won't have the player who gets the ball 100% of the time when the game is on the line. They might get two players who get the ball 95% of the time. Hell, they might even get LeBron and Bosh/Johnson (best case scenario). Or maybe they'll have to settle for Amar'e and Rudy Gay (worst case).

It's greedy of me to be asking for a guaranteed championship. I know that's just not how the world works. But the Knicks have tanked in a way never seen before. They've been openly giving up for two seasons. All of this in the basketball capital of the world. Anything less than a championship- or two or three, or seven- will equate to more disappointment. Nine years and counting...

James makes picks!

I'll make this quick since the playoffs already started. Potential x-factors after predictions.

First Round

EAST
Cavaliers sweep the Bulls
X-Factor: Joakim Noah

Magic beat the Bobcats 4-1
X-Factor: Stephen Jackson

Hawks beat the Bucks 4-1
X-Factor: Brandon Jennings

Heat over Celtics after Wade refuses to lose another Game 7.
X-Factor: Michael Beasley has to step up

WEST
Lakers over the Thunder 4-1
X-Factor: Ron Artest vs Kevin Durant and Thabo Sefolosha's ability to impede Kobe.
Spurs over Mavericks in another classic seven game series
X-Factor: Manu Ginobili

Suns over Blazers 4-1
X-Factor: Portland isn't going anywhere without Brandon Roy

Nuggets over Jazz 4-3
X-Factor: Chauncey Billups

2nd round

EAST
Cavs over Heat 4-2
LeBron? This series will be boring

Magic over Hawks 4-2
X-Factor: Josh Smith

WEST
Lakers have a surprising easy series over the Nuggets: 4-1
X-Factor: Andrew Bynum

Suns over Spurs 4-2
X-Factor: I fucking hate Manu Ginobili

Conference Finals

Cavs redeem themselves and win 4-2
X-Factor: This series is the reason they got Shaq

Lakers beat Sun 4-2
Eh, easy series for the Lakers

Finals

Cavs over Lakers 4-3
X-Factor: LeBron James to the Knicks!

Fizzle fizzle

As someone who gets only network and a few very assorted and uncontrollable cable channels, I'm used to not expecting too much. At least I have a television, even one that isn't staticy. I remember when my grandmother had a black and white tv in whatever older adults call the room next to the living room that looks kind of the same, except that no one sits there in the evening. Needless to say, I try not to take technology for granted, if only but for a few fleeting moments each year.

With that out of the way, tv sports coverage really blows, despite/especially for something that's come so far. I suppose you could say that about many things in this country, but athletic broadcasts are really high-tech, well-publicized, and there is cash to fill a thousand Oldsmobiles being made by people you will never see, money derived from so many facets of each sport.

For instance, there are 8 nba playoff games this weekend, two of which are on ABC, the rest on cable. It's not like it's a Tuesday! This is part of the problem with a single channel/network gaining rights to broadcast almost all of a given sports' games, but I don't think even that's enough of an excuse.

Basketball alone cannot be singled out. The hockey game on right now? Buffalo vs Boston. I mean, I don't know how this could be more off. Let's not forget baseball, an institution which I feel doesn't let other sports suck by themselves for too long.

I live in Philadelphia, and thus have long accepted I won't get to watch Orioles games on the TV, though the fact that I don't have ESPN is irrelevant here because Baltimore has zero regular season games scheduled so far (ESPN hasn't listed any post-June games).

Today is Saturday, and the only baseball game on network tv all day/night is the FOX "game of the week" at 4: New York Mets vs St Louis Cardinals.

This is just ridiculous to me. Don't get me wrong, I can't help but not have a rooting interest for most baseball games, but I can still find a way to pull for a team in different spots. That's part of the reason sports are so popular in America. I actually don't care for the Phillies or Atlanta, and doubt I'd watch unless they were playing the Nationals, but I do get TBS and there is no Braves game on. I'm a little surprised the Phillies are on CSN, which I certainly don't get. Even devoid of options I wouldn't partake of, why am I supposed to watch a New York vs St Louis game? The Mets (and the Cardinals actually) join a irritatingly growing lists of teams that simply (and often inexplicably) get on national broadcasts way too much:

*I should say I'm happy the Browns probably aren't going to be on much, unlike the 08-09 season.

Dallas Cowboys, New York every single team but the Knicks, Pittsburgh Pirates/Penguins, Chicago White Sox, all Boston teams, the Lakers, NFC North teams and the Kansas City Chiefs

The thing is, if not on a Saturday afternoon in April, then when will I be able to get a real afternoon of interesting sports? The whole schedule seems a lot more diluted than when I was a kid. Even as the most watched sport, the NFL gets away/prospers with having only 2-3 games on tv in a given area, but now that it's spring, complaining about my issues with football just seems spoiled.

The moral of the story is probably that I should stop considering watching sports, and go start a softball team or something, because that seems to be the sport adults play to get exercise. Racquetball isn't something I think I would get into, but maybe I'm underestimating the 'amount of fun : pain of joining a club' ratio.

Predictions

Here's how I see the NBA playoffs going down:

(seeds in parentheses)

1st round

EAST

Cleveland (1) vs Chicago (8), CLE, 4 games to 0

Orlando (2) vs Charlotte (7), ORL, 4 games to 2

Atlanta (3) vs Milwaukee (6), ATL, 4 games to 3

Boston (4) vs Miami (5), BOS, 4 games to 2

WEST

Los Angeles (1) vs Oklahoma City (8), LA, 4 games to 1

Dallas (2) vs San Antonio (7), SA, 4 games to 3

Phoenix (3) vs Portland (6), PHX, 4 games to 1

Denver (4) vs Utah (5), DEN, 4 games to 1

2nd round

EAST

Cleveland vs Boston, BOS, 4 games to 3

Orlando vs Atlanta, ORL, 4 games to 2

WEST

Los Angeles vs Denver, DEN, 4 games to 3

Phoenix vs San Antonio, SA, 4 games to 3

Conference Finals

Orlando vs Boston, ORL, 4 games to 1

Denver vs San Antonio, DEN, 4 games to 2

Finals

Orlando over Denver, 4 games to 2

I can't wait for the Norbit remake

I get a weekly list of feature films in development. (You know, cause I'm an insider like that.) I usually ignore the titles since I'm just looking for work. I wish I could substitute "always" for "usually" in that last sentence. We're all aware of Twilight and the like; I don't really care if those movies keep getting made. They fill a niche and make money. As far as I'm concerned, they're a necessary evil to keep this industry running. But you wouldn't believe some of the garbage they've got coming soon to a theatre near you. Out of respect for my readers' sanity, I'll only present what I saw at the very beginning of the list:

21 JUMP STREET (The tv show starred Johnny Depp, the movie will star Jonah Hill. Hooray?)
AKIRA (Oh good, I love live action, English remakes of foreign classics)
AMERICAN PIE 4 (I thought they were up to 8, no?)
ARABIAN NIGHTS (In 3-D of course!)
ARTHUR (Remake of the Dudley Moore film.)
BAYWATCH (Odds on a Pam Anderson cameo: 1:800)
THE BIG VALLEY (Based on some tv show I've never heard of.)
BLUE CRUSH 2 (There was a Blue Crush 1?)

If you're keeping score at home, that's two remakes, three tv shows, two sequels of movies largely forgotten and entirely awful, and two "reimaginings" of classics. What's next, Jurassic Park 4? Oh, they're making that already. How about another Fast and the Furious installment? Yeah, they got one of those too. Before long, the title of this post won't seem like such a joke. Who knows, maybe they'll even start making do-over movies. I can see it now...

"Hey, didn't Paul Blart: Mall Cop suck balls? Of course it did! But don't worry America! We here at Sony think everybody deserves a second chance. This summer... he's loud... he's fat... he learned from his mistakes... Paul Blart: Redux."

Just kidding, they're making a sequel to that too.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

Well baseball season has started, and it already looks bad. I don't want to be too results oriented (which is easy when your team has a losing record), but if you don't go by results in baseball, then what is it? It's certainly not loving the way the season is going; absorbing all the disagreements, asterisks, untelevised games, fox sports, and general toomfoolery that is the MLB. I like going to games, but that's rare, and since I don't have cable the only games televised so far have been Phillies games. I'm not enough of a fan of "just baseball" to remember to watch Roy Halladay starts, and espn3.com just seems like too much. I'd rather play golf.

Clearly, the Phillies and Yankees are meeting in the World Series. We might as well just skip ahead 5 years and get to the point where the Yankees have Granderson, Sabathia, half-cyborg Ken Griffey Jr, rejuvenated Stan Musial, and genetically mutated Jorge Posada. ESPN's current power rankings have my favorite team, the Baltimore Orioles, 29th, and my 2nd favorite, the Washington Nationals, 27th. I think it's quite possible at least 4 of the 6 divisions (not AL or NL West) will have the same division winner as last year.

As far as the NBA goes, I think it's pretty nuts that so many seeds will be decided on the last game of the season. It's a good year for parity, although a good number of these teams really don't have much of a shot to win the title. I still have a tough time wrapping my mind around the notion that team from Utah or Oregon can win a major professional sports championship. The NBA certainly has a firm lock as the #3 most popular sport in America, but really, how could they possibly fall below that at this point?

I watched the Masters, and I have to say that Tiger Woods' sex scandals have apparently convinced the various golf announcers that they have carte blanche as far as criticizing his golf game, demeanor, emotional stability threshold, and of course, profanity. I'm not getting worked up about anything Tiger Woods related, but Jim Nantz needs to stop acting like the audience hearing a curse word is going to ruin the sport which isn't his anyway. Plus he's Tiger Woods-I don't have much sympathy for him and he doesn't care if I do. He will be good at golf if he stays healthy and maybe if he doesn't. I guess CBS got the "storyline" they wanted, though it wasn't much of a contest for most of the back nine. Perhaps that attests to the fortitude of the winner.

Oh, before I forget: Fuck Ben Roethlisberger. I don't want to say this will happen again soon, but mainly because it's a shitty crime I'd like not to occur. I imagine this guy is not going to change.

Thank god for Starbucks?

Since when did it become the social norm to deny people the use of a bathroom? This practice must date back at least twenty years, as I remember seeing the "Restroom for Customers Only" sign from a very early age. Yes, restaurants are privately owned establishments with water bills and therefore get to open up their bathrooms or whomever they please. Fine. But shouldn't allowing a human to relieve him/herself fall under some kind of common decency code? An unwritten rule like giving your seat to the elderly or being rude to tourists. I'm not saying bathrooms should be opened up to no good teenagers; who knows what those miscreants do behind the privacy of a locked door. All I'm saying is there has to be some level of allowance for basic human needs. I've peed in the street more times than I can count. Even in my drunkest, most misanthropic state, I would have gladly walked into a restaurant if I was certain they'd let me use their sacred restroom. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It always comes down to peeing in your pants, defiling public property, or sprinting like a mad man in search of a Starbucks or Barnes & Noble. I don't even like my pants. But pants cost money, so I'd rather risk getting a ticket on par with the cost of pants than ruin a perfectly good pair of Levi's.

Look, I'm not trying to waltz into the Four Seasons trying to take advantage of their bathroom attendant and complimentary mints. I just want the right to relieve myself when the time comes. With the exception of dogs, I doubt there is a single species on this planet that has some any equivalent to holding it in. Animals let it go when it has to go. If only it were that simple for us. I'd even settle for a new line of public bathrooms doomed for a life of graffiti-laden walls and smelling like feet. I'm pretty sure I saw plenty of those last time I went to Europe. I lived in Boston and saw literally one of these, and that was in the most deserted of public parks in the North End. I'm pretty sure there are zero in New York. Perhaps there are a couple hidden in Queens, but fuck Queens.


It's rants like this that make me glad to be a man. I've seen girls pee in public and it looks 35% more difficult and 460% more awkward than when dudes do it. Well, that made me feel better about this whole situation. You see people, it's about the little things in life.

Good job, a-dults

A female high school student in Mississippi (I can spell it without google bitches) recently requested that her school allow her to attend the prom with her girlfriend.

Aside #1: You have to request this? I remember when in 2001 I tried to sell burned copies of the The Eminem Show and got punched in the face by a lesbian trying to steal a copy. Additionally, a guy showed up to my prom in shorts and he was better dressed than at least a dozen people.

The school, deciding they didn't like this but overpowered by their own cowardess, decided to instead cancel the prom

Aside #2: Who pays these people?

Then the school set up an off campus prom for this girl.

Aside #3 Why not just have the prom? I'm sure the kids would enjoy themselves anyway, and it's not like this chick doesn't get made fun of anyway in her high school. Even in fairly progressive high schools people don't come out of the closet.

Followed by the school setting up a secret double off-campus prom that all but 7 students attended.

Aside #4: At this point, you weirdos are trying too hard. And if any viewers don't like gay people, don't start thinking this school supports blacks, catholics, quakers, muslims, mormons, women, people with glasses, kids who gamble, kids who smoke pot, or kids who like music other than 3 doors down. It just doesn't fit.

Way to get on the national news Itawamba Agricultural High School. Even the KKK was more subtle than this.

Then again, perhaps they don't know the internet exists. Or maybe the prom was perfectly timed with the recent Donovan McNabb trade.

Finally

This is a pretty great time of the year to enjoy sports. College basketball is ending, the NFL is both far enough in the past for wounds to heal or be forgotten, but far enough away so that one doesn't need to get that burning itch of anticipation that starts sometime in July (and that's for the patient fans).

The Masters is approaching, especially spicy this year because Tiger Woods isn't so damn vanilla anymore. I love golf, playing it far more than watching it, but there is nothing like getting fucked up and watching the early rounds on Thursday and Friday (when the field is double that of the weekend), or eating a bunch of food and nervously watching the back nine on late Sunday afternoon.

I also really enjoy the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs, when there are tons of games nearly every day and the teams still have a bunch of enthusiasm. It's way better than that point when you realize the Lakers or some other machine of a franchise are just going to take it down again.

I am actively rooting against a Kobe vs LeBron finals, though I firmly believe the NBA should just give in and rig the entire thing, because you know that's all they want to see, no matter how popular Vince Carter may be.

Of course, the baseball season is kicking off, and there is no better time to watch the sport, for as everyone knows the luster dies off pretty damn fast. I can't remember the last time I had a strong rooting interest in a televised game in August or later. Actually, make that May.

Some quick predictions:

Jimmie Johnson will win his 5th NASCAR title in a row, further plummeting this sport into oblivion.

The Capitals will win the Stanley Cup, causing a meteoric rise in my interest, thus giving me about a 17% chance of caring about hockey. No one outside of Pittsburgh or Canada should like Sidney Crosby, and if so, I don't want to hear about.

Duke will beat Butler in the NCAA finals. I thought a 33 year old coach would be a very likeable character, but he's really not.

The Cavs will not win the NBA championship. Additionally, the Spurs will win at least 2 series, further boring everyone. The Mavericks and Thunder will lose in the first round, and the Eastern Conference will implode into a mess of unlikeability. He Got Game was an awesome movie, but that's not enough for me to root for a Boston sports team.

24 Got Cancelled!

This makes me fairly happy. As many complaints as there were about 24, I will say there could never be too many. I don't really bug out about the unrealistic aspects of the show, except for 3 things:

1. For a show often set in LA and New York, there sure doesn't seem to be any traffic.

2. Jack Bauer has saved the world, what 6 times? Yet every year, there are a group of government assholes who just don't believe the guy, whether it's what he's saying, or even that he's not evil.

3. I never see anyone act tired or even drink coffee, yet all the characters stay up for well over 24 hours (assuming the 1st episode doesn't start with everyone waking up). Put a Red Bull in Bauer's hands and your show might bring in enough money to stay on the air.

This piece of crap deserves to get cancelled. As far as I'm concerned, that's what it gets for staying on too long and not trying to get any better.

Lose the good, take the bad

I try not to make too much out of the individual deaths of people I don't know, as like to believe I have some grasp on the fickleness of health an the sheer number of people (some decent human beings, I imagine) who die every second over the world. On the contrary, I wasn't one of the people screaming at the TV that there was "too much Michael Jackson coverage" even if I didn't care too much. Despite that, the recent death of David Mills (aged 48) is probably the saddest celebrity death I've heard of in a long time.

Mills was an extremely successful black television and music writer, producer, and journalist, a man who seems to have devoted his career to not only discovering unique and meaningful artists, but creating one of a kind work along the way. A close friend of David Simon, Mills' writing resume reads like a DVD collection one might have in heaven:

The Wire, Homicide: Life on the Street, The Corner, NYPD Blue, ER, Kingpin, and most recently, HBO's upcoming show Treme, which along with Boardwalk Empire easily comprise my two most personally anticipated shows of the last 5 years.

I write this not just because Mills went to high school in my home county or graduated from the U. of MD, but more so because of what he accomplished with little national notoriety. Without being too presumptious, it certainly seems like Mills may have been one of, if not the best television writer of the last 15 years, perhaps ever. And throwing the word television in front of that phrase might not do him justice. There are truly some brilliant and humble people out there, and while they often go without proper recognition, we the audience are left to hear notorious celebrities whine about not getting a fair shake.

Yes, the media and its coverage of itself is often vain, false, and terribly counter-productive, but that's a rant not for today. To be blunt, if I or you are actually interested in anything, it's up to us to do the research, to commit the time and effort to find out the truth in life or entertainment, which at it's peak can itself be a study or portrait of life. It's find to be a casual passer by with a few cute comments here and there, often that's all I am, but I earnestly believe that ego, authenticity, and substance are three very different things, too often jumbled and switched around, perhaps unconsciously.

David Mills' blog.

LDO!

Listening to the Dan Patrick Show on the way to work this morning, I got to ponder this question: Would you exchange the tip of your pinky for the ability to dunk like an NBA player for ten years? I have a question for you, Mr. Patrick. What wouldn't you give up for that? I thought he said give up your whole pinky and my insta-response was still an emphatic yes. If something like this happened to be possible, I'd be willing to part with any one of my fingers (thumbs don't count) or both pinkies. If anything, it would be the greatest party trick/bar bet ever. I'm somewhere between 5'10" and 6'0" depending on my where my self-esteem is at that particular day, and my skin tone is pasty on a good day. Who's going to argue my pathetic little pinky isn't worth pulling shit like this:



My fingers are all little and stubby anyway. Seriously, my girlfriend is bite size and my hands barely cover hers. Pasty skin. little hands, I'm making myself sound reaaaaally sexy to my female audience.