I get a weekly list of feature films in development. (You know, cause I'm an insider like that.) I usually ignore the titles since I'm just looking for work. I wish I could substitute "always" for "usually" in that last sentence. We're all aware of Twilight and the like; I don't really care if those movies keep getting made. They fill a niche and make money. As far as I'm concerned, they're a necessary evil to keep this industry running. But you wouldn't believe some of the garbage they've got coming soon to a theatre near you. Out of respect for my readers' sanity, I'll only present what I saw at the very beginning of the list:
21 JUMP STREET (The tv show starred Johnny Depp, the movie will star Jonah Hill. Hooray?)
AKIRA (Oh good, I love live action, English remakes of foreign classics)
AMERICAN PIE 4 (I thought they were up to 8, no?)
ARABIAN NIGHTS (In 3-D of course!)
ARTHUR (Remake of the Dudley Moore film.)
BAYWATCH (Odds on a Pam Anderson cameo: 1:800)
THE BIG VALLEY (Based on some tv show I've never heard of.)
BLUE CRUSH 2 (There was a Blue Crush 1?)
If you're keeping score at home, that's two remakes, three tv shows, two sequels of movies largely forgotten and entirely awful, and two "reimaginings" of classics. What's next, Jurassic Park 4? Oh, they're making that already. How about another Fast and the Furious installment? Yeah, they got one of those too. Before long, the title of this post won't seem like such a joke. Who knows, maybe they'll even start making do-over movies. I can see it now...
"Hey, didn't Paul Blart: Mall Cop suck balls? Of course it did! But don't worry America! We here at Sony think everybody deserves a second chance. This summer... he's loud... he's fat... he learned from his mistakes... Paul Blart: Redux."
Just kidding, they're making a sequel to that too.
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