Faster than you can say "sociopolitical grey area-tinged logistically overwhelming late stage capitalist nightmare clusterfuck," the World Cup is here, baby! Ticket prices are so insultingly high you'd laugh if you weren't crying about missing out on the last realistic opportunity to go to a game with your aging father who happened to coach you in travel soccer and with whom the beautiful game of football soccer has been a significant part of your relationship. Hey, at least we got to see a couple games together in '94.
You remember 1994, don't you? In the realest, most sincere interpretation possible of that phrase, those were the days. But just as I'm oh so painfully trying to come to terms with this broad, existential truth, the past is long gone and nothing can change that fact.
No matter how much we wish we could bring back certain feelings of what it was, life is what it is in the present. It might not always be where you want to be, but on the map of life, you are here. You will not be attending any World Cup games in person, even if they are a short drive away. Nonetheless, as I've come to accept as a 41 year old man who may or not be coping his way through a midlife crisis, you just have to make the best of your situation. So, I'll spend July 4th weekend watching a few games with my dad. It's not the same as being there in the stadium, but if I'm being honest, I'm very much at a point in life where I can appreciate the value of enjoying big moments sitting on a nice couch in an air conditioned living room.
I will cherish the opportunity to catch a few games with dad. Time is unforgivably finite and I'm grateful for how much I've been able to enjoy with him, plus however much we have left together. This World Cup might be a disaster, but it's the only World Cup we'll get in 2026.
Now, enough of this pseudo philosophical mumbo jumbo. Open wide of some soccer! Without further ado, my not all organized, barely coherent, nowhere near comprehensive World Cup predictions.
Prediction #1: It's NOT coming home
I actually think there's a scenario where England's out of form rising stars find the magic touch at just the right moment. But even if all of the talent rises to the occasion, I think this squad is weaker than it might seem at first glance. Reece James is at risk of missing out with yet another injury (poor fella) and England will be inexperienced at the back with Thomas Tuchel seemingly set on omitting Harry Maguire and John Stones. Can Mark Geuhi step up as a leader? It's possible, but it's a big gambit for a team whose ambitions are fixated on lifting the Jules Rimet trophy.
Beyond the back four, England will have talent all over the field and on the bench. Harry Kane is a serious ballon d'or candidate and Declan Rice does it all. Still, there are too many doubts to pick this as the team that finally brings it home.
England out on penalties in the semis because that would objectively be the funniest torture possible.
Prediction #2: Brazil will finish third in their group
Forgive me, Don Carlo. I will never doubt Ancelotti's ability to get the most out of his players, but there are so many problems with this team. Vinicius Jr, who didn't exactly have a season to remember in Madrid, has never looked the world beater we all know him to be in yellow and blue. Neymar is there just for vibes? If Casermiro and Marquinhos aren't filling your need for veteran leadership - and class on the pitch - that says a lot about the makeup of your team.
Sure, I could be wrong here. Maybe Igor Thiago continues his rapid ascension and becomes the breakout star of the tournament. Maybe Endrick is ready to make Real Madrid forget about Mbappe (as if we needed more melodrama over there!) Or maybe, just maybe, Brazil continues to struggle finding its identity is a post-Joga Bonito world.
Don't be shocked when this superpower bows out early.
Prediction #3: USA will not win a knockout game
I had to stop myself short of saying USA will fail to get out of their group. They lucked out with a weak group, but they're part of that weakness. This team just kinda sucks.
Poor Tyler Adams will do his best to keep things together, but he's just... one man. Tim Ream is still starting and he's almost my age!
Christian Pulisic will have to settle for doing Trump's double dicking dance if/when he can find the net, something he hasn't achieved in a quite a while, by the way. Maybe he'll get lucky and dear leader will be there to see the tribute.
Prediction #4: Morocco will be a serious contender
Forget all of the controversy from AFCON. This is a talented team that has proven itself capable of contending for major trophies. They shocked the world by getting to the semifinals four years ago. Don't be so surprised to see them back there in July.
Prediction #5: We will finally get Messi vs Ronaldo in the World Cup
If both teams win their group, which they really should, they will be on course to meet in the quarterfinals. This might really happen. This World Cup is such a disaster before a single kick of the ball. Can we just have one nice thing? INJECT THE HYPE STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS!!! SIUUUUUUUUUUU
Prediction #6: Portugal will win the World Cup
This pick has just as much to with my doubts about the favorites as it does my belief that Portugal will finally get their shit together. Not a lot has changed for Spain since they won Euro 2024 besides Rodri (their best player that year) losing a step or three and a very concerning injury to Lamine Yamal. It's becoming apparent that he might miss the whole group stage. Will they be fine starting without him? Absolutely. Will they be okay if he needs a few games to get back to 100 percent? Absolutely not.
France have their own injury concerns. Ousmane Dembele is suddenly a doubt for the Champions League final. They also have a back line that could prove quite shaky, especially against stronger competition in the late stages of the tournament. France will make a deep run and Mbappe will score heaps of goals, but I think they'll come up short once more.
The other major contenders, England and Argentina, are flawed at best. (See above for England) Argentina will be good but it's too much of Messi and friends as opposed to a complete squad.
That leaves Portugal and their giant Ronaldo shaped X Factor. Call it optimism on my part, but I think Ronaldo finally checks his ego enough to let the overwhelming talent around him dictate the way the team plays. If he can do that - and it's a big if - Portugal have a perfect mix of veteran leadership and insanely talented young stars to go all the way. Will Ronaldo let it happen? We will know the first time Portugal gets a free kick in a dangerous position.
Best value bet: Portugal (+1000)
Worst value bet: Netherlands (+2000)
Dark Horse: Norway (+3000), Morocco (+5000)
Long shots that won't win but look at those odds!: Senegal (+9000), Sweden (+10000)
Golden boot: Kylian Mbappe (+600)
Player of the tournmanet: Cristiano Ronaldo (+3000) even though Vitinha (+2000) and Bruno Fernandes (+1800) will play better
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