TMIFriday

The TMI stands for TMI. I went for a run without underwear today, and it was glorious. I plan to do all my runs like this from now on. If anything, it's a great excuse to call myself a commando runner. 

Damn skippy

Before getting into my sexist, America-hating rant, a quick New York thought: The best sound in a stopped train is the announcement of a delay for "train traffic up ahead of us." The train might have been idle for a solid minute, but rest assured that once the delay has been officially acknowledged, that train will keep rollin' along.

Much is being made of Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walking off the set of The View after Bill O'Reilly predictably hated on Muslims. I'm not here to argue the merits of his arguments as Bill O'Reilly is a disgrace. In no way do I support a single thing that comes out of his mouth. And the great thing is I don't have to entertain his extremism. I don't have a TV show that I invited him to. If I did, I would have been prepared to fight his stances and not storm off like a child. How do you walk off your own show? If you can't debate with the man, don't engage him. Did they think he was going to show up and talk about cupcakes and vaginas? 


On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, South Park officially took the "Too soon?" question and literally blew it up. With a plane. Flown by Al Qaeda. On American soil. Seriously. It's been nine plus year since 9/11, and I get the feeling that the guys at South Park have finally had enough of seeing it treated used exploited as a shield of sacredness and an emotional trump card in American politics. So they took it into their own hands and said "Get over it." I am hardly doing it justice, so check out on South Park Studios so you can see I'm not insane for endorsing this. In my mind, it was the perfect way to cross the line from the very best in the line crossing game. 


I am criminally behind on Mad Men, but that won't last long. I only started watching a few months ago with my friend. We got about a season and a half though before life got in the way. I've been putting it off because I've seen enough to know that Mad Men is like crack on steroids that have been laced with crack. That's like crack squared, folks. I tested a video to see if I would have a reliable source when I got back into it. I didn't even make it though the opening credits. Moratorium over, next week of my life planned out. Time to whip out the whiskey and suits. Oh, I'm too poor for suits. Guess I'll have to compensate with extra whiskey. Fuck yeah!

Turns out...

According to a smart person I met the other day, the reason your body sometimes twitches when you're falling asleep is because it thinks you might be dying. If your body doesn't know why your heart rate is slowing down it is prone to jerk you awake before your heart stops for good. To this I say, aha! For years my friends, family, enemies, and neutral Swiss acquaintances have teased me for being a hypochondriac, a drama queen, and other unflattering names. What my friends don't know is that I twitch before I fall asleep almost every night. So, you see, I am not a hypochondriac for the sake of being melodramatic. Hypochondria is ingrained deep in my nervous system. My body is naturally inclined to think it's dying every night. I might be a hypochondriac, but it was never a choice for me. So, my two or three friends reading this, save your teasing for Woody Allen. 

Matt>Tim>>>>>Elizabeth Hasselbeck

My choices for Week 5:

(picks on left, home team in caps)

denver (+8) vs BALTIMORE

BUFFALO (-1.5) vs jacksonville

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) vs kansas city

st louis (+3) vs DETROIT

atlanta (-3) vs CLEVELAND

tampa bay (+7) vs CINCINNATI

chicago (+3) vs CAROLINA

green bay (-3) vs WASHINGTON

new york giants (+3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (+7) vs san diego

tennessee (+7) vs DALLAS

philadelphia (+3.5) vs SAN FRANCISCO

minnesota (+4.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): St. Louis, Chicago, NYG, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Minnesota

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis (-7.5) to roll the soon-to-be-former last undefeated team, KC

Shoe in of the Week: Minnesota (+4.5)

Least likely to get televised nationally: Tie: St Louis vs Detroit/Buffalo vs Jacksonville

Record so far: 23-22

Upset Special record: 8-5

In a perfect world...

Those of you familiar with Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell might have heard about her past declaration that big, bad China is getting ready to take over (God Bless?) America. Shocking! I'd be marginally concerned if I didn't possess the ability to think for more than half a second. Aside from the fact that this claim makes exactly zero sense, the problem with O'Donnell's claim is that it's total bullshit. If Christine O'Donnell were in fact a spy, she did the one thing a spy is never supposed to do: She blew her cover. Has she learned nothing from James Bond? Oh, I suppose she doesn't see movies since they are products of the liberal heathen wasteland we call Hollywood. Point is, if Christine O'Donnell did in fact have knowledge of an imminent Chinese invasion, she would never reveal that information.

Christine O'Donnell is straight up lying. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there gullible enough to take her words as fact. She goes on TV, tells them China is trying to steal our freedom, and in come the fear votes. I'm not afraid of China. I'm afraid of shortsighted extremists finagling their way into Congress. I'm afraid of the fact that I live in a country where the people who let the entitled son of an oilman lead the country into a crippling depression for eight years are the same people who are now calling our president a failure after 18 months of cleaning up his predecessor's mess. I guess it never occurred to these "pioneers of freedom" that the economic recovery has been so slow to pick up because the very party they support is more concerned with stalling progress with filibusters in order to paint the majority as the enemy in upcoming elections than, you know, actually fixing the economy.

This isn't some idealistic call for honesty and transparency from politicians. This is America, after all. However, politicians are, in theory, the people we trust to govern us and make decisions on our behalf. Shouldn't there be some  measure of accountability for those potential lawmakers who outright lie to our faces? I'm not talking about misguided people who buy into their own bullshit. We are all entitled to our own opinion, however wrong it may be. But it's a bit too much for me to stomach when people like Christine O'Donnell go on TV and tell blatant lies.. We can't make every person in America scrutinize the politicians, but maybe our government should do that. I find it fundamentally wrong that a candidate can say whatever she pleases just to win votes. It's not just dishonest, it's dangerous, and it should have no place in politics. Unfortunately, it does, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Lying under oath in court is a felny. So why do we allow candidates to lie on the podium? Why not put a rule in place to prevent this kind of behavior? What I'm proposing is that if a candidate tells a complete lie during a campaign, that candidate should be disqualified. Nothing extreme like jail or public flogging, just removal from the ballot. In theory, this should be universally accepted. You'd be hard pressed to find a politician who agrees lying should be allowed. It will never happen, but maybe it should. Despite what some tea baggers would have you believe, politics is not a popularity contest. This is a little more serious than running for class president. We're not competing for Facebook friends or Dancing with the Stars appearances. Do I have a problem with reducing American politics to a petty feud? You betcha! 

Who Are You People?

Let me first say, I am no Don Draper. Okay, bad example, nobody is that cool in real life.* What I'm getting at is I am not an advertising guru. I don't know the first thing about research figures or profit margins. (Really touting myself, aren't I?) However, I do consider myself to be a fairly regular person. A little eccentric, but I have my feet on the ground enough to say I identify with the viewing public. Or so I think...

If I have anything in common with the average American, then television commercials are a massive waste of money. Like any other man with a sense of humor, I love the Old Spice guy. I giddily clap my hands like a teenager when that miniature giraffe shows up in the DirecTV commercial. (This one) Does this mean I'm going to sign up for DirecTV and order Old Spice by the crate? I'd rather buy something I need. How about some socks? Everybody needs socks. Yeah, I'll stick with the socks.

I just can't believe that consumers are so impressionable that a commercial is enough to sell them on a product. Even for something as harmless as deodorant or candy bars, I reject the notion that people are so gullible that an entertaining advertisement will cause them to run to the store and turn on the tunnel vision, opting to waive their right to choose what they buy. Symbol for the everyman he may be, it is inconceivable to me that Homer Simpson is an accurate depiction of the effectiveness of advertising. We can't all go to clown college just because the billboard tells us to do it.

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

Who are these people who do what the TV tells them to do? Perhaps this is the kind of disconnect one experiences when you spend your whole life in "modern" areas. That's not enough to make me move to Arkansas. I'll run the risk of being called an arrogant intellectual. Anything other than being associated with the Heartland Tea Party. Oops, I shouldn't have given them a party name that makes sense. As long as it doesn't make it to a commercial.

*George Clooney is the obvious exception to the rule. If you disagree, feel free to stop reading my blog. Your kind ain't welcome around these parts.

Must. Restore. Balance.

Earlier while I was doing laundry, I started thinking of the movie Love Actually. As if these weren't effeminate enough, it naturally led me to start humming "All I Want For Christmas Is You" to myself. Such an alarming testosterone deficiency can only mean one thing: Time to overcompensate! 

Roar! Football! It's Saturday, which means I will spend my day hating on college football for not being NFL football. I'll leave the betting picks to the savvy, suave, sexy, other "s" adjective Edmund. He's got that information thing covered, which means it's up to me to come up with the half-baked opinions around here.

Jets at Bills: Wow, don't care, don't care, don't care. The Bills just cut a quarterback from Stanford for a quarterback from Harvard. And they wonder why they suck.

San Francisco at Atlanta: Oh man, the 49ers are about to start the season 0-4 and they could still easily win their division. Will the Seahawks keep the pressure on by continuing their ambitious run at an 8-8 record? Will Mike Singletary continue to blame his players for not being winners or having sufficient heart? I wonder if the 49ers spend most of their practice time discussing their lack of go-get-em-ness instead of, you know, learning how to play football.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Shucks, I was one game away on the early start times from being able to sleep in. (Sleeping in past 1 PM is preposterous, you say? You sir must have a job.) Charlie Batch is about the get reminded why he isn't a starter in the NFL. I like the Ravens to win with or without an offensive touchdown.

Redskins at Eagles: As if the return of Donovan McNabb wasn't enough to wet your whistle, Michael Vick is good at football again. Monster he may be, douchebag he may be, the dude is entertainment on cleats. I hate to say it, but I love watching this guy play football. He's made the Eagles relevant contenders in a season they literally gave up on before it even started.

Cardinals at Chargers: It's the battle for the title of least (most?) mediocre team in the west! The only thing more underwhelming that this match up would be a Dan Quayle vs. Michael Dukakis presidential election.

Bears at Giants: The Giants are one more bad loss away from officially being a team in turmoil. Osi Umenyiora and Keith Bullock are questionable for Sunday. Matthias Kiwanuka might be out for the season. Tiki "The Selfish Piece of Shit Quitter" Barber is taking shots at Tom Coughlin. When did the Giants become the Cowboys? Just win the fucking game. Pretty please? Kthanksgoodluck.

In this house, we respect the laws of thermodynamics!

denver (+7) vs TENNESSEE

baltimore (+2.5) vs PITTSBURGH

CLEVELAND (+3) vs cincinnati

GREEN BAY (-14) vs detroit

NEW ORLEANS (-14) vs carolina

ATLANTA (-7) vs san francisco

seattle (-2) vs ST LOUIS

BUFFALO (+6) vs new york jets

JACKSONVILLE (+8) vs indianapolis

houston (-3.5) vs OAKLAND

SAN DIEGO (-9) vs arizona

PHILADELPHIA (-6) vs washington

chicago (+3.5) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

MIAMI (+1) vs new england

Upset specials (underdog to straight win): Denver, Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Miami

Lock of the Week: Atl (-7), Seattle (-2)

Record for the year: 17-14 overall, 5-3 for upset picks

Dear God Make it Stop! (Update: Thanks God!)

Why is it that certain all TV channels insist on making commercials twice as loud as the program? You can't tell me Monday Night Football is quieter than this commercial for AARP life insurance. If the entertainment industry must jam advertising down my throat, I don't it's too much to ask for a little subtlety.

What about a shrill voice over is supposed to make me start thinking Bud Light is suddenly good? Loud commercials don't make me buy products, good commercials make me buy products. The only thing loud commercials achieve is putting my eardrums though anguish.

This gem came up when I searched "Anguish" on Google Images. Credit the artist at shaav.com for his poor grasp of the English language, pencils, or possibly both.

That's as far as I got before this thrilling development came along. This landmark event proves that the government is finally doing something right. Is it really that far fetched to imagine national health care and the end of undeserved tax breaks for the very people who helped destroy the economy is just around the corner? Yes, yes it is. 

Channing Frye, Charlie Frye, Charlie Batch

Week 3 kicks off with a plethora of good 1-1 teams, supposedly sketchy 2-0 teams, a couple very bad 2-0 teams, and a whole slew of deserving 0-2 fucks (Cowboys, Lions, Rams, Browns, Bills), perennial losers for 9-17 years. A season involving Dallas going 2-14 or worse, the Patriots & Jets missing the playoffs, and the Vikings doing so poorly that Brett Favre smashes through one of his mansion's rooms of mirrors and Wranglers would be just delightful. If Dallas and Minnesota went 0-16, the Seahawks and Jaguars could play in the Super Obsolete Bowl and I wouldn't even care.

My week 3 predictions (home team in caps, my pick in the left column):

NYG (-3) vs tennessee

buffalo (+14.5) vs NEW ENGLAND

cleveland (+12) vs BALTIMORE

pittsburgh (-3) vs TAMPA BAY

CAROLINA (+3.5) vs Cincinnati

NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) vs atlanta

KANSAS CITY (+3) vs san francisco

detroit (+12.5) vs MINNESOTA

HOUSTON (-3) vs dallas

ST LOUIS (+5) vs washington

philadelphia (-3) vs JACKSONVILLE

indianapolis (-6) vs DENVER

san diego (-4.5) vs SEATTLE

oakland (+5.5) vs ARIZONA

MIAMI (-2.5) vs new york jets

green bay (-3) vs CHICAGO

Lock of the Week: Miami getting 2.5 at home vs the Jets.

Upset special (underdog to straight win): Kansas City, Oakland, Carolina

Record so far this year: 9-6 for regular picks, 4-1 for upset specials

Sticking to my guns like the Japanese soldiers at Iwo Jima. Too soon?

Ah, the sweet rumblings of the early NFL season. Preseason hype has become Super Bowl hype, former players turned pundits compete to be the first one to exhaust "I've got a feeling" as the focal point of an expert prediction, and fat guys everywhere rejoice over the opportunity to once again go shirtless in public. Otherwise useless cities like Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Green Bay can come out of their cultural hibernations to petition for relevance. Most importantly, Brett Favre stories are put on hold and he is forced to actually play football. Turns out grandfathers aren't so good at sports.

Take away the Giants' embarrassing loss on national tv, I really couldn't ask for more at this stage of the season. It feels like America's waistband has barely had time to expand and the Cowboys and Vikings are already panicking. (I don't hate the Vikings. I always thought the purple and gold thing was cool. But my disdain for Old Man Favre is so passionate I would root against a team in the Puppy Bowl if the Puppy Bowl had teams.) Nothing makes a contender sweat like starting 0-2. And nothing throws a team into disarray like hitting the panic button. So here's praying we see major overhauls on both these teams before they get a chance to figure things out.

It seems like teams all over the league have some kinks to work out. After enduring "will they or won't they?" undefeated teams for so many years, it's refreshing to see more parity around the league so far. The Colts decided to bypass their annual 12-0 run in favor of a more devious plan of starting with a loss, then winning 15 in a row as a giant "EFF YOU!" to the '72 Dolphins. Very sneaky, Peyton, you old dog you. Although nothing will come of it, the Bears, Chiefs and lowly Bucs are undefeated at this moment. Even the Lions are getting in on the whole equal playing field. Granted, they're still losing, but it's totally close in the fourth quarter. Good for you, Detroit!

We're two weeks deep and it still feels like we know nothing. What I'm saying is I'm totally justifying making predictions after the season already started. You get these kinds of luxuries when you work for free.

AFC South

How about them Texans? They still have to wait for Peyton Manning to retire before they win the division, but they are clearly a team on the rise.  It just goes to show you that slowly building your team through the draft and prudent salary cap management is a completely valid approach, so long as you're in a small market that doesn't demand two championships per season. 

Colts

Texans (Wild Card)

Titans

Jaguars

AFC West

The Chargers keep declining, the rest of the division keeps improving while still managing to post losing records. The Chiefs will fall to earth soon enough and order will be restored. Another totally unsurprising playoff loss for the Chargers awaits.

Chargers

Chiefs

Broncos

Raiders

AFC North

The hype train rolls on! Oooooh, the Ravens have recievers now! Is Joe Flacco still their quarteback? Awesome, have fun losing to the Colts when you realize the whole scoring points thing is kind of important. Ditto for the Steelers. Unless they trade for Peyton Manning, their isn't a quarterback in the world who can make that offense look good. Hines Ward hasn't been a true number one receiver since, well, ever. 

Ravens

Steelers (Wild Card)

Bengals 

Browns 

AFC East

I really love Rex Ryan's enthusiasm for snacks. I don't know if I can match his enthusiasm for the Jets. I still have no idea what to make of this team. Mark Sanchez is obviously not there yet. They could win a weaker division, but the Dolphins are quietly good and the Patriots have the talent to drop 50 on any given night. The Bills are unfathomably, inexplicably, mind-bendingly awful.

Dolphins

Patriots

Jets

Bills 

NFC South

The Saints are still awesome. Drew Brees is still running for Jesus. Seriously, doesn't he seem like the nicest guy in the world? And that picture of his kid with the huge headphones at the Super Bowl, awwwww. I just want to hang out with Drew Brees and talk about doing good things for underprivileged people. I mean, listen to him talk about the good things he does for underprivileged people and feel bad about being such a selfish prick. 

Saints

Falcons (Wild Card)

Bucs

Panthers

NFC West

As Charles Barkley might say, this division is turr-bull, just turr-bull. The starting quarterbacks in this division: Alex Smith. Derek Anderson, Sam Bradford, and the corpse of Matt Hasselbeck. Here's a groundbreaking thought: There will not be a Wild Card team coming out of this division.

49ers by default

Seahawks

Cardinals

Rams

NFC North

It is so sweet to watch Brett Favre fail. Is this petty? Who cares? I hope the Vikings go 0-16 and Favre throws 36 interceptions. I like the Bears right now. Jay Cutler has always been talented. If this Mike Martz experiment works out, they might even make the playoffs. Eh, maybe they should just settle for not embarrassing themselves.

Packers 

Bears (Wild Card)

Vikings

Lions

NFC East

The NFC Beast is looking more like the NFC medium sized dog. You don't want to piss if off, but it's not like your life depends on it or anything. Speaking of dogs, the Eagles found a way to make a mess out of Michael Vick on the football field. Since they have no offensive line whatsoever, I say enjoy it while it lasts. He probably can't sustain this level of play but it's fun as hell to watch. Almost as fun as watching Kevin Kolb get sacked four times a game when he eventually gets a sympathy start.  The Redskins have all the looks of a better but not ready team and the Cowboys are in glorious meltdown mode. That leaves my beloved Giants to swoop in and earn the right to lose in the first round of the playoffs. It's possible the Giants get it together and make a run, I just have my doubts. They have no depth behind a very old offensive line whose age is starting to show and while the defense is improved, the linebacking corps might be the worst in the league. It doesn't matter how many times you get to the quarterback if two guys get open every play. Call me cautiously pessimistic.

Giants

Redskins

Eagles

Cowboys

AFC Wild Card

Steelers over Dolphins, Texans over Chargers 

(Yup, I picked both Wild Card teams, sue me.)

NFC Wild Card

Giants over Bears, Falcons over 49ers

AFC Divisonal

Colts over Steelers, Texans over Ravens

NFC Divisonal

Packers over Falcons, Saints over Giants

Conference Championships

Colts over Texans, Packers over Saints

Colts win the Super Bowl! All hail Peyton Manning!

And they tried to make us watch the Little League World Series...

Football, Football, Football!

This season I will make picks for each complete slate of games week by week, all the while keeping a record of my successes and failures, in the vein of a guy who gets paid to do it. I'm not promising to be as savvy as John Clayton, only to be less swarmy looking than him by the end of the year.

Week 1:

(Home team in caps, duh---and my pick for each game will be in the left column)

NYG (-7) vs Carolina

Miami (-3) vs BUFFALO

Atlanta (-1.5) vs PITTSBURGH

Detroit (+6.5) vs CHICAGO

NEW ENGLAND (-5) vs Cincinnati

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs Cleveland

Indianapolis (-2.5) vs HOUSTON

Oakland (+6.5) vs Tennessee

PHILADELPHIA (+3) vs Green Bay

SEATTLE (+3) vs San Francisco

ST LOUIS (+3.5) vs Arizona

WASHINGTON (+3.5) vs Dallas

Baltimore (+2) vs NYJ

KANSAS CITY (+5) vs San Diego

Push: JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs Denver

Upset picks of the week (underdog to straight win):

Seattle, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Kansas City

I-95 corridor bias notwithstanding, it'll happen.

Biggest blowout of the week: NYG over Carolina, followed by Miami over Buffalo

Stevie Ray might call me a Fruit Booty

My girlfriend likes to boast about only eating meat once or twice a week. I fail to see the accomplishment in that. The only reason I don't always eat meat is because a lot of meat dishes are fattening and I'm vain. Oh, I'm also poor. I'm not extremely poor, just plain old lower middle class poor. If I was poor poor, I'd eat more "meat" because most of my meals would consist of spam and other mystery meats. Fortunately, I can afford chicken. But even chicken is like a bajillion times more expensive than celery. So I've learned to adapt and be healthy. Since I can't eat bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, here are some vegetables I've learned to appreciate. Onions are left off the list because everything has onions.

Spinach: It makes for a pretty good omelette and eggs are dead animals if you believe in god. Just sayin.

Beets: Is this technically a vegetable? I don't care. Beets are delicious and get bonus points for not being green. I also like making beet hummus when I have access to a blender. Aaaaand my testicles just fell out. Let me squeeze those bad boys back in there. Moving on...

Eggplant/Zucchini/That yellow squash I'm pretty sure they just call yellow squash: I make lots of stir fries because they're easy and spicy asian sauces are the tits. I have yet to make a stir fry that suffered from adding squash.

Brussels Sprouts: These little guys get a worse rap than broccoli, which I also enjoy. I like looking sophisticated when I cook these properly, like that time one and only time I cooked brussels sprouts properly.

Okra: It's kinda smily, so people fry it. Mmm, thin excuses to fry things.

If you're wondering where corn is, it's in Nebraska.

A question for you

Pixar: Big swinging dick or biggest swinging dick? You decide!

It's Wednesday and Wednesdays suck when you work Monday to Friday

I hated on Wednesday long before I had a job. Oh Wednesday, why can't you just be Thursday and let us all get that precious first sniff of the weekend? In honor of Wednesday, here's a shitty, scatterbrained post.

Why is it "cool" to wear shirts with little logos like Polo shirts but misguidedly trendy to wear t-shirts with huge logos like Adidas on them? Is this is a question I should have asked in 2008? I ask the latter question because of the gigantic horses that adorn Polo shirts these days. Maybe Ralph Lauren got fed up with the whole world stealing his style and decided to remind us who started the damned thing in the first place. Anyway, I think it's silly to pay $100 of your own money to be a walking advertisement.

I joined the gym and it's been a solid investment so far. But last night made me feel like the managers are secretly trying to discourage me from getting into shape. As much as I appreciate a good PA system, I don't think Taylor Swift is the way to get a bunch of dudes fired up. I had my iPod on full blast and I could still hear the Top 40 playing throughout. Nobody else seemed to mind, but those other guys are in much better shape than me. They must be on a 24 hour endorphin high with the little voices in their heads constantly goading them into one more set. I figure I can reach that level by the end of the summer Then again, it could just be my insistence on only wearing white shoes that's holding me back.

Speaking of style, it's starting to get hot and my refusal to purchase or wear shorts is holding strong after ~15 years of stubborn determination. I'll stop pretending the heat doesn't bother me when they stop acting like shorts are anything other than half a pair of pants.

The World Cup is less than 48 hours away. I've never been so excited to wake up at 6 AM. (Except for that time they had Everybody who wakes up at 6 AM gets a free jet pack day. Best, Day. Ever.) Whoever wins, I just hope it's a team with less than 80% arrogant douchebags, meaning the following teams have been eliminated: France, Italy, Portugal, France, Brazil, France, Italy, Argentina, France, Spain, Italy, Italy and France. Also, eff France.

Double breaded for your pleasure

You know it's June when baseball grabs this much nationwide media attention. The town of Strasburg, Va, with a population just over 4,000 (making it the biggest town in Shenandoah Co.) was previously best known for its railroad museum and yearly oktoberfest festival, but no more!

RenameStrasburg.com is behind a move to rename the town after the heralded young Washington Nationals prospect, Steven Strasburg, who makes his major league pitching debut tonight.

Upon first hearing this, I foolishly thought that this player was actually from Strasburg, VA, but after seeing that the two names were spelled exactly the same, I realize that's all the similarities a small town requires to try and grab a cheap pop (he's from San Diego). Somehow I was out-foolished by Strasburg residents, who believed the name change was going to be permanent. Town council members probably hope for it to be a boon to the local tourism economy, because evidently towns and cities of all sizes, even those in the rural edge of Virginia, want people to come and spend money.

Of course now the pressure is squarely on the shoulders of a 21 year old expected to soon lead the Nationals rotation and make them a playoff contender. How soon people block the memories of a team which had the worst record in baseball last year, a team that was called the Expos and

played in Canada less than 6 years ago and hasn't

made the playoffs since I've been watching (they

had the best record in '94, but a strike ended the season after 114 games).

None of this stopped fans from showing up at 9:30 in the morning for a game that doesn't start until 7pm. As for baseball analysis, I don't know what this will mean for the Nationals, who at 4 games under .500 have seen a vast improvement this year, but still find themselves 5th in the fairly tough NL East division. I doubt they are favorites to make the playoffs all of a sudden, any decent team could claw their way somewhat close to the playoff race by fall, just make sure you're not named the Royals or Orioles.

I asked my Dad once who he'd root for in a hypothetical unholy pact of an Orioles/Nationals World Series, and he said Washington. As a youth he went to Senators' games with his dad in D.C, so it was originally and is now his local team. Myself, I prefer the Orioles, because during my formative years in Maryland they were the only baseball team around, and my father took me to games at Camden Yards.

Now that the Nationals are better, someone has to take the very bottom spot in baseball. I figure whatever invisible germ or baseball ghost of crapiness that determines these things simply got lazy and decided to hope off 1-95 after like 35 minutes. Baltimore has a .281 winning percentage, plopping them 5.5 games behind the 29th worst team in baseball.

My annoyance over this has been temporarily replaced by incredulousness at why there is so much hooplah over an umpire crying while apologizing over blowing a call. This is one of those things that reminds me how silly baseball is.

What would've been the third perfect game of the year is now not, because of a missed call in a sport where missed calls happen all the time, a sport that celebrates its statistics but has always had its officiating subject to human error. Somehow this entire incident was propagandized to show how some moments go "beyond the game", which I guess shows just how rare forgiveness is in our society. Baseball has the summer, but 'America's pastime' is absolutely the nation's 2nd favorite sport.

Whoa

Photo: Guatemala Government via Flickr

In case anyone has the notion that this post will be about either The Day After Tomorrow, Dante's Peak, The Core, Deep Impact, 2012, Descent, or Megafault, you will be disappointed.

I didn't really know what a sinkhole was, and I certainly didn't imagine it would look like that. If Guatemala got the choice of where to have the massive, bottom-not-visible hole, they might have chosen a field, swamp, jail, or better yet-landfill! Certainly not the middle of an intersection. I would have been terrified to be driving in front of the other cars, because getting people to all go backwards during traffic seems really hard. "There is a sinkhole, please tell the person behind you." I guess at that point you have to get out of the car and run, but if I had a chance to make a sharp right turn and save my car while avoiding the sinkhole, I think I'd have to do that.

It really seems like the rest of the world is just getting smacked around with some kind of big, dirty, and government destabilizing mop. Maybe not Europe. They usually seem to be doing ok. I figure there are two barometers for this:

1) The Euro is worth more than the dollar, rather than being valued somewhere between 1/2 and 1/1,230,000th of the dollar, as so many currencies in the world are.

2) The top headlines for today's European news are "Families honor Air France crash victims" and "Fergie to Oprah: I was drunk during sting". Problems just aren't on the same level there.

Meanwhile, Latin America just can't get much positive going at all. Last year in Juarez, a border city across the river from El Paso, Texas, 2,660 people were murdered.

Numbers can often be misunderstood or underestimated, but I don't know any city in America where on average more than 2 people are killed every single day; Juarez has by far the highest murder rate of any city in the world. For comparison, New Orleans has the highest murder rate in America, with 174. Juarez even had more murders last year than New York City did in its worst year in history.

The President of Mexico called in the national army, only to realize they are outmatched in terms of weapons and equipment. I just imagine these cartels with a bunch of hovercrafts and dune buggies, but apparently they actually use submarines and jets. Personally I prefer this smuggler's choice of transportation:

Photo: Flickr/Shiny Things

Silver linings and improvements are not part of the story right now. The publicized burden falls on the leaders of Latin American governments, but the actual struggle encompasses ordinary people, those who have no choice but to live in a community where they don't even feel safe at a library on a Tuesday morning. The Obama government would be criticized whether they intervened more or less, and honestly, it's just not that cut and dry. I can't imagine the people of Mexico are unified in a desire to have the American military in their cities, and a true solution involves the fiscal and political sectors of another corrupt country.

Cue Bono.

Always with Bono. It's like Sting before him. If more, or any of the musicians I liked more than Bono were in to anything, maybe they' be on TV more like him. If it wasn't him, it'd probably just be Dave "who is more vanilla than me?" Matthews, so I've decided not to complain.

Enthusiasm for this once in 4 years extravaganza is unbridled from the United States to North Korea, but especially in Latin America, which sends 6 different national teams to the World Cup, not including Brazil. Mexico has a chance to move on to the next round, is certainly not a favorite to even sniff a title game, although they would probably put Italy's celebration to shame.

Starting in a group with France (boo, of course) and host country South Africa is an opportunity for Mexico to play on a global stage, and for a damaged nation back home to root for their own. Even the criminals will be reminded that they themselves are less important than the game of soccer, but as they sit down to watch the very same game in front of a new flatscreen, it won't bother them in the least.

I have Spain beating Holland in the finals. Book it.

This is why we can't have nice things!

Hey you, gentleman driving the Isuzu with a red, white and blue "BUY AMERICAN" bumper sticker. You are the reason people think Americans are ignorant assholes. You know why? Because you are an ignorant asshole. I am flabbergasted that you were able to go through the entire process of getting from that purchase of yours to proudly affixing it to your vehicle without once thinking yourself, "Ya know, I should probably make sure I buy American myself before I make this declaration." Didn't you notice the big "Isuzu" logo right next to the bumper sticker?  Clearly the answer is no, most likely because you were so overwhelmed with your own patriotism..Do you even know why they tell us to buy domestically produced goods? Why don't you go look at the products in your house and see how many have "Made in China" written on the bottom. And don't worry about trading in your car for an American one. Our automobile industry is tip-top!

I'll paddle downstream, thanks

Much of the political noise swirling awkwardly around Philadelphia the last week centered around losing, because people in all economic classes like talking about a successful white guy getting the boot. It's probably the most politically correct way to root for someone's personal failure. And so Arlen Specter, aged 80, now gets to exchange his finest ties for havana shirts, and the senate floor for a bocheyball court, assuming of course that all rich old dudes spend their time jetting back and forth from Florida. Tens of millions on an election and it's decided by one ad:

Republican politicians, pundits, and many of their various minions and sub-lackeys have begun to proclaim this the start of a great Obama backlash, the natural reaction of average americans when confronted with the pressures of a socialist government.

Democrats recently won an open seat in a conservative area of southwest PA, coinciding with a Republican congressman and proiminent christian conservative in Indiana resigning because of an affair he had with a married coworker. Additionally Specter lost in a Democratic primary, and to a presumably more progressive candidate.

None of this of course will halt the spin machines, which have already been set to hyper-speed. Republicans hope to narrow the anti-incumbent sentiment to target only Democrats and the less than far right (those who only want to rewrite science textbooks) as their victims in the 2010 general election.

Fortunately, Democrats often do really silly, almost halfway democratic, but still mainly stupid things, like running 2 candidates against the lone Republican in a 3 way one-time election because they're constitutionally obligated to put a white guy in the race.

I'm skeptical of the importance of this because it happened in Hawaii and by tomorrow I will have again forgotten that it too is a state, but since Democrats lost an apparent lock of a win in Barack Obama's hometown, things might get even more silly.

Fortunately, the other side has recruited the best of the brightest. In Utah, 3 term incumbent Bob Bennett (should've been a 1st base coach with a name like that), couldn't even make it out of his the Republican convention, let alone to his party primary, despite voting the party line 88% of time while maintaining a right wing stance on every major issue. In Kentucky, the primary winner is the son of former presidential candidate Ron Paul, creatively named Rand Paul, who sadly might even be more popular after saying he wouldn't vote for the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

The common link? It's not the fact that Utah and Kentucky couldn't go 21 minutes without being the butt of a joke before this, or that the 5 reddest states in the country have a combined 1 pro sports team. The tie-in is the smell of chamomile, or maybe lemon verbena. Tea baggers claim responsibility for a unstoppable insurgency movement, the result of which will be a takeover of Congress and the White House by 2012.

I can't even imagine how long each day must feel to these people, knowing a black man is the leader of the free world. They probably waste a lot of time stressing out about it, sweat pouring down their button downs and soaking the seats of their SUVs, which in turn frustrates them into being a little too snarky to the various immigrant laborers working about their home.

The notion, apparently, is that tea-baggers, like liberals but motivated differently, disdain Republican neo-cons, disgusted because George W. Bush himself ended up too left wing. I find it unrealistic to believe that a group of organized Republicans are the type to buck the entire establishment, or that a few elections somehow symbolize an entirely new Republican party. Perhaps their internal meetings even go something like this:

For the time being, I refuse to be impressed by nerfballs winning in states that wouldn't vote reasonably if they had that Staples easy button. Kentucky didn't even elect George Clooney's dad when ran for Congress in 2006. What kind of sense does that make? The way I see it, no tea- bagger will beat a Democratic incumbent in 2010, and maybe not even win a single open Democratic seat.

Truly, I think everyone is just killing time, because the next 2 years Sarah Palin will take up about 93.4% of the space on television and in newspapers (if they exist by then). The system is set up very comfortably for our culture though, because I'm pretty sure one could purposely avoid all news for at least 7 months and still blend in seamlessly with most situations they find themselves in.

I'm afraid I can't do that Dave

Before I go on my anti-technology apolcalyptic tirade, let me first say that I love the internet. The world (I'm speaking of my own personal version of the world. I can't tell you what dudes in Namibia call "the world.") is dependent on the internet to streamline our workflows, shorten (if not outright eliminate) the distance between far away nations and reconnect with that girl who totally made out with you in seventh grade. The internet makes everything easier, faster, more accessible. I love the internet for that. As somebody who continually pines for a 30 hour day, I appreciate the internet for saving me untold hours of my life that would otherwise be spend researching things at the librbary or *GASP* walking to the store to buy porno mags. I just wish I could have all this without worrying that my privacy is largely a thing of the past.

I listen to music on Pandora. I do whatever it is people do on Facebook. There is no reason these two should be linked in any way. But every time a new song plays on Pandora, it tells me a Facebook friend who likes that artist. First off, I don't care that Henry Te likes Lil Wayne. (Side note: Yo Henry, where you at? We haven't talked since high school man!) Second, deceptive privacy settings or not, how is my Facebook profile even linked to my Pandora account? I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say since my browser automatically logs in to both sites, they are able to link together. But that doesn't explain how when I go CNN, the sidebar tells me which stories have been shared by my friends on Facebook. I don't have a CNN account. I barely even read the news. CNN shouldn't know who I am.

This might not even qualify as barely scratching the surface. That's what disturbs me the most. Some of the smartest people in the world think it's only a matter of time before artificial intelligence exceeds human intelligence. Perhaps it's a bad idea then to voluntarily hand over our private information to computers. Computers are tools; tools are controlled by people. I hope the people responsible for information technology are keeping that in mind. Am I suggesting we're going to live in the Matrix or, worse yet, face a moment like judgment day in Terminator 2? No, those are movies are movies don't tell the future. Then again, there are people smarter than us who believe there will be a singular moment where computers surpass humans. The upside of that is we might get to download our brains onto hard drives and live forever. The downside:

Hopefully it doesn't play out that way. It could just be that Mark Zuckerberg is a douche. Well, I'm sure of that one. I just hope that douche doesn't destroy us all.

The Land of Unexciting Things

For the past week, I've been fairly jazzed by the goings of the world. Don't get me wrong, when people (myself included) say "world", they mean whatever constitutes their own world. For me, this has been the realization that non-winter weather really rocks, that real life jobs might actually be halfway enjoyable, and that a megaplex of sports both nearing their end and hitting their stride would mean constant fun.

Much to my chagrin, I am again left meekly uttering, "Zort". Outside it's raining, and the air is colder than Helen Lovejoy. For the most part, I've come not to be surprised by most weather phenomenons, and when it's warm in January I'll openly thank both global warming and the Mayans. Nevertheless, I feel like late May should not be like this, but what can I do? Watching some sports is easier than being bitter about not controlling the weather.

Fortunately for me, I am quickly reminded of just how anticlimactic and fizzletastic professional sports can be some times. When I was younger, my love of sports was fueled by a die-hard enthusiasm for a select team from each sport, followed by the fact that I was 9 and I couldn't do many things, followed by just generally liking playing sports. Nowdays, I feel like my passion for paying attention to sports would be tempered if not for the jawesome video quality, precision camera work, and flashy replays.

The 2010 NBA conference finals are starting to remind me of something. Oh yea, it's the 2nd round of the 2010 NBA playoffs, in which there were 3 sweeps. It'd be really cool if the Suns beat the Lakers, partly in fact because how much cooler are Steve Nash and Grant Hill than Kobe Bryant?

The problem is Phoenix might not win any games in Los Angeles, which is more of a problem because the series is 2-2-1-1-1 instead of 2-3-2. Both series could end up being real disappointments, and probably will be if Orlando drops game 2 at home against Boston. All of this is extra crappy because these games are spaced out for maximum fluff capacity.

Baseball is again very stinky, unless apparently you're a Washington Nationals fan, who themselves have dropped 4 in a row while their prized #1 pick remains in the minors. Clearly, this is baseball, and the system pays the kings and taxes the paupers. The Yankees and Phillies should be huge favorites to meet in the World Series again, and while both teams lose games sometimes, they obtain a balance by scoring at least 8 runs in all other games.

The real issue is that the Baltimore Orioles have finally clawed themselves into a position to maybe not have the absolute worst record in baseball in a month or so, but then dropped yesterday's game with arch nemesis/powerhouse the Kansas City Royals. If you're looking to be better than the 30th best team in baseball, it's a good idea not to lose at home to your most likely replacement.

Rasheed Wallace is from Philadelphia and I think it's awesome that he was wearing a Flyers hat after a Celtics/Cavs game. You can't get on Wallace, his team won their series even after being down 2-1. What does he have to do with the Bruins losing 4 playoff games in a row to the Flyers? I could understand if he had that lame big "P" Flyers hat that the white guys rock here, but he had a Flyers hat I've never seen. That's how NBA players roll. I remembering reading a Sports Illustrated article from the 90's that dissed Wallace and his then Portland Trailblazers teammates for talking on cell phones at an orphanage or boys home or make a wish type place, photos showing the players not caring about the kids. You just can't get that mad over a cap.