So hear you are, 35 years old with bad knees, chronic back pain and the prospect of a used car dealership staring you down like the barrel of a shotgun. Your wife and kids are excited about all the free time you'll finally have to lavish them with gifts and attention. Well, maybe not your wife, but you get the point. Rest assured, there is light at the end of the retirement tunnel. You are just one call away from a cushy career in football commentary!
As soon as you inform the television networks of your retirement the offers will come pouring in. You might be thinking to yourself, "How am I supposed to talk about football all week? I'm just a player." Well, you're right. Luckily, that is the only qualification you need to be a football analyst. Remember, Trent Dilfer could barely beat a high school team, but it took him all of five minutes to cut a deal with ESPN. By following my easy guidelines, you too can be sitting in the studio in no time!
1) Numbers are your friend
Nothing says "I'm informed!" like arbitrarily forecasting the exact outcome of a game. No matter what the situation is, you can never go wrong with throwing some numbers out there. In fact, the more numbers you put together, the smarter you sound. Being able to confidently predict a score implies that you've done your research. Of course the best part of this is that you can more or less pick numbers out of a hat and still sound smart. Let's say the Broncos are visiting the Redskins. How does 38-20 Broncos sound? How about 24-14 Redskins? You can even have a system for this. Two evenly matched, strong offensive teams? 31-24 for the home team. Two smash mouth defenses? 17-10 for whichever team you like more. This is especially easy when you're dealing with two terrible teams. If the Raiders are facing the Chiefs, there is no score that sounds unreasonable. You could say 34-6, 21-0, 28-24. etc., and it doesn't matter. Nobody knows what's going to happen and nobody cares. But if you back up your predictions with some numbers, they will be eating of your hand.
2) Chuckle at everything
You might not be contributing any kind of valuable input, but nobody will care if you keep laughing and smiling for no reason whatsoever. I know, it sounds like a surefire way to expose yourself as the mindless buffoon you really are. But laughing is infectious both in the studio and through the television screen. The happier you seem, the more people will like you. Look at Tiki Barber. All that guy knows how to do is smile and he gets to sit next to Cris Collinsworth.
Believe it or not, he's actually at a funeral.
If smiling isn't really your thing, you can always go the hysterical lunatic route a la Terry Bradshaw. You might find this hard to believe, but 75% of Terry Bradshaw's "commentary" is actually just laughing at the jokes nobody made. All you have to do is keep laughing in the background and the others will eventually join in. Before you know it, the game will have started and you'll be one week closer to a six month vacation.
3) "I've just got a feeling" is your get out of jail free card
There comes a time in every pre-game show where you might be called on to rattle off some quick predictions for the upcoming games. Usually, a simple declaration will suffice in fulfilling your roll call duties. However, you will occasionally be forced to provide an explanation for your pick. If you find yourself in this situation without an adequate response, do not panic. Take a deep breath and utter these simple words: I've just got a feeling. You may initially feel foolish and fear you've been exposed, but when used correctly, this phrase will gain you the respect and admiration of your studio colleagues. After all, you spent 10+ years on the gridiron. You of all people have earned the right to have a gut feeling. As a bonus, your credibility increases exponentially every time you happen to be right. This move can also be used to declare a certain player will have a monster game or to retroactively declare you knew a breakout star "would be a special player."
4) When all else fails, agree with the other guys
When you find yourself having to engage in some kind of extended conversation about a particular football issue, there is no move more safe and reliable than agreeing with your colleagues. There are many ways to use this move, all of them are effective. The easiest approach is to simply reiterate what the guy before just said. His opinion is fresh in your head and it's easy to avoid providing insight if you act like the other guy just stole your idea. All you have to is prefix it with something like, "You're exactly right" (The Troy Aikman special) or "I couldn't agree with you more there." If you're looking for a more sophisticated take on this, steal the opinion of the top dog in the studio. He should be easy to spot by his calm demeanor and attentiveness while others are talking. If this is too hard, look for the one dressed most like a regular person. If you're at ESPN, either of these rules will lead you directly to Tom Jackson or Mark Schlereth while also helping you avoid accidentally taking Keyshawn Johnson seriously.
5) Anecdotes, anecdotes, anecdotes
It might not have worked for John McCain, but you're not running for president, you're talking about football. Your playing career is what got you here and that might just be what keeps you here. Anecdotes are a guaranteed way to make your audience think you know what you're talking about. All you have to do is say something like "This is just like (insert great game you were a part of)" and it brings a real air of legitimacy to all of your opinions. The bigger the games you played in, the better. People love hearing old playoff stories during the postseason. If you've been to the Superbowl, beat that horse to death. Still, the most effective way to use anecdotes is when talking about non-game issues. Any time you're talking about off the field issues like Pacman Jones or Mike Singetary's lack of pants is the perfect opportunity to humor fans with stories of your crazy teammates' antics. However, I must warn you, never, under any circumstances, let them know how sick and perverted you used to be. Think about it. You never hear Michael Irvin talk about his drug and/or hooker abuse. Rip on your buddies and you're good to go.
And that, my friend, is all you need to know about being a football panelist. Stick to these simple rules and a lucrative broadcasting career is sure to come. Good luck!
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