I'm rich!

I never got the memo that taking my laptop to Starbucks was sooooooo 2005, so I still go there to write and/or feast on the blood of small businesses. I was writing a post there the other day when I decided it would be more fun to pretend I was a spy. I found myself sitting next to a good old fashioned crazy burnout. You know the type: every article of clothing made out of denim, shoes that very possibly lacked soles, hair past his shoulders, oddly well-groomed soul patch? It didn't take me very long to pick up on the crazy. It's easy when it's all god this, apocalypse that. Most of the time he was just mumbling to himself, obsessing over the massive stack of handwritten notes he either had for the last five years or had written entirely the night before. Every once in a while he would come out of his shell to proclaim his superiority or wealth to those around him. Despite sitting right next to this man, I risked myself for you, the readers, by recording his best quotes. All of this is exactly as it occurred over the course of an hour. All of this was spoken to himself unless noted otherwise.

I'm not like you people. You think I'm one of you?

God is good, you know?

How can we laugh when satan is on the podium?

I'm rich! 

I gotta buy some mittens, man.

(After speaking to me) We're rich!

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

I'm very rich.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

Very happy, very humble, very happy, very rich

You people provoke me to jealousy with your pride, with your arrogance. The holy ghost hates you people. But anyway lets get back to what happened to this guy.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed. 

(After a particularly awkward exchange with two girls in costume for a music video whom he convinced to sit down in the chairs across from us despite my very unsubtle head shaking.) Didn't I see you before? You're from Africa? No? That must have been some other girl.

(About his iPod) Cult awareness packet. 

(Counting on his fingers) Very, very, very, very, very RICH.

Not a problem. I'm very rich. I'm about 5 for 7. What are you?

Did you ever see a pastor with down syndrome bleed from the mouth? I did.

With these people it's like pulling teeth trying to ask them about the lord.

And that is how I learned that rich people love god almost as much as they love denim.