Two Afternoon Quickies

1. As I was pulling into Walgreen's earlier, there was a pigeon on the road. The pigeon in question was either really stupid (even by bird standards), had a death wish, or possibly both. I seriously considered slamming on my brakes as I watched the front of my car slowly roll over the suicidal bird. What happened to flying away for fear of getting crushed by enormous moving objects? George Costanza put it best during his squirrel conflict: "We had a deal!" Relax, the pigeon was fine, but I did spot it later on hanging out in a turning lane. Let's hope he/she/it doesn't represent the whole pigeon population of L.A.

2. In the aforementioned Walgreen's, there was a great man who seemed to have misplaced his sense of shame. I was lucky enough to be a mere ten feet away as he approached a clerk and literally yelled, "Do you work here?... Where's the Preparation H!?" God bless you and your inflamed unmentionables, good sir.

Warming Up

I know some of you have been waiting for me to write a post about my recent cross-country journey. Rest assured, it's coming soon, just not today. In the two weeks I've spent here in Los Angeles I don't feel like I've had the proper time to reflect on my trip and the many highs and lows I experienced throughout. So consider this a teaser as I offer up some of my early impressions of L.A.

So far, the big thing I have to reconcile with is the fact that L.A. really isn't a city to me. I think the best term to describe the geography and layout is that of a suburban metropolis. I'm not sure if that is a real phrase or if I just made it up. I really hope I made it up as it's one of my minor dreams to create a dictionary worthy word or phrase. Anyway, it's been a major adjustment period for me (and still is) as I come to terms with living in a gigantic suburban area masquerading as a city. I guess that brings up one of the pitfalls of growing up in New York; nothing, with the exceptions of Tokyo and possibly London, feels like a city once you've seen what a real city is supposed to be. Oh well, at least I get to drive a lot.

Speaking of driving, I absolutely love the freeway! Call me crazy, but I dig the high anxiety, no nonsense attitude that everybody seems to tap into the second they get onto the freeway. As I declared to my friend the first time I merged onto the 405, this shit is no joke and that's just the way I like it. Driving in the streets, on the other hand, is in fact a joke.

Further supporting my suburban metropolis argument, people have no idea how to handle themselves driving on local roads here. Traffic is traffic and I've dealt with it enough to know whining won't do anything about it. What I'm talking about is the way people drive during the off-peak, less congested hours. Nobody has any respect for the fact that they're* driving two ton death machines. People cut you off, they pull out into oncoming traffic, they get furious when you don't bend over backwards to let them have their way. Just today, this guy in an Escalade (the first sure sign that I was dealing with a douchebag) couldn't possibly allow me to pass him as he started to pull out of his parking spot. God forbid he waste three seconds of his life allowing traffic to keep flowing. It made a lot more sense to flip me off and nearly crash into the car in front of him. I bet he blames somebody else for his side mirror that was smashed to pieces.

These are the things that have been getting under my skin so far. There are lots of positive things too, but it's more fun to complain. When the time is right, I'll talk about some of the things I like here in L.A. and more importantly, the intense, humbling experience that is driving through this weird, wacky country we call home.

*At first, I typed "their" instead of "they're." I positively loathe this all too common grammatical error that the whole world seems to be okay with these days. Please bombard me with brutal, unforgiving criticism if you ever catch me making that mistake.

It's Madness!

For all those who thought I'd be naive enough to blog about AIG, you may now commence with the disappointment. The aforementioned "madness" actually refers to... college basketball! You might be wondering why I busted out an ellipsis for a sport that few care about during the month of December. Truly, I don't care to explain. 

I have once bracket finished! 

I've had a few hours to mull it over, and I've come to the conclusion that I made some poor decisons. The silver lining is that there are 4 brackets I have yet to complete and then subsequently become discouraged with. I've decided to listen to the Bill Simmons podcast in order to give me a shot at getting the $10,000, sedan, or Gomer Pyle alarm clock, whatever it is ESPN gives away to the lucky idiot who picked the entire round of 16 right including sending local #13 seeded school to the final 4 because his can of PBR gave him an intuition. Or her. 

Over the past few years I've become less enthused with college basketball as a sport (personally a huge Duke fan since I was 7), and thus the bias has gradually been removed for me come tourney time the last few years. Clearly, the gambling enthused part of my soul is that much happier. Hopefully my forthcoming decisions will be somewhat consistent with reality.

Usually, part of my bracket strategy involves sweeping generalizations about conferences. E.g., the S.E.C. is so weak, none of the teams will make it past the 2nd round, or gosh I love the ACC and its 3 teams in the final 4. I do not like the strategy of picking the best player in america's team to win the championship. I believe this has only happened recently with North Carolina  and 2003 Syracuse. This year I plan to do the opposite of all ideas I've ever had, a la George Costanza.

My 1st bracket is terrible. I picked Syracuse to win. Also I went stomping around bragging to my mom about how #14 seeded Cornell is my lock first round upset. What I do know is the following:

1. Maryland will beat California in the 1st round.

2. Neither Louisville or North Carolina will win the title. 

3. I don't expect any #16, #15, or even #14 seeds to pull off upsets, but as the tourney drags, the parody of this season will emerge and eliminate many of the #1-4 seeds.

4. Not all those ranked Big East teams will be that good. 

5. If you're looking for a lower seeded team to make a run, forget Binghamton.

6. Instead think Utah State, Butler, Minnesota, or Maryland.

Why am I suddenly obsessed with Twitter? (Twitter beginners guide)

First question most newcomers say, "I don't get it. What do you do on twitter?"

My first response is: Twitter is NOT a social networking site. Twitter IS a hybrid combo of micro-blogging and social bookmarking.

You know how sometimes you'll IM a friend and say "check this crazy bitch out: http://tinyurl.com/cfspcm" well this site is just a monstrous collection of these quickies. Users post one-liners with links. Certain users are very entertaining and some aren't. You "follow" the ones you dig(g) and the rest you ditch to the curb.

There are many different niches within Twitter. There are news sites that post "tweets" with late-breaking news (http://twitter.com/cnnbrk). Celebrity Twitter accounts such Shaq (http://twitter.com/THE_REAL_SHAQ), Ashton Kutcher (http://twitter.com/aplusk) and Britney Spears (http://twitter.com/britneyspears). Friends who just post what they are doing at that time and place (BORING!). Blogs who post subject lines and links of new posts. Or speciality Twitter sites with links to the latest and greatest sneaker designs such as Soles 4 Algernon (http://twitter.com/nooy).

Ok... so what's my point? Go on Twitter, sign up, get hooked. And then you can check up on Ashton Kutcher every twenty minutes obsessively for no damn good reason. And make your life more full/pointless. I hate twitter.

I figure this would be a good time to announce the grand launch of banteranter's own twitter page. http://twitter.com/banteranter. Follow us! tweet tweet

Change is in the air...

Welcome one and all to the new and improved Hot Sauce With Everything Banteranter! As you can see, we've got a new name. And with a new name comes a whole new refreshing take on this crazy world we live in. From now on you can expect a lot more consistency, variety, insight and overall goodness here at Banteranter. It's like in Super Mario Brothers when Mario eats the flower; same blog as before, but now we can shoot fireballs! Okay, maybe we don't have firepower, but you get the picture. So look forward to a lot more posting and exciting new content. Keep reading! Tell your friends! Go outside and alert the public! Well, maybe you shouldn't alert the public. That would probably be a little excessive. But keep on reading and enjoy everything we have to offer here at Banteranter.

Also...

Thanks to Wicked Chops Poker for taking notice of us and commenting. You guys have been a great source of entertainment to me for some time. I tried to kiss up to you in an email but your server would have none of it. So, if you're reading this right now, consider this my shameless attempt and getting a link on your site. If you guys are feeling generous, I promise more posts, including a Retroactive Babe of the Week for at least three months. When I say retroactive, keep in mind that I am only 24. So it will be more along the lines of Anna Kournikova and other women I ogled in Maxim during junior high than Racquel Welch and whoever the hell else was considered a sex symbol in the 60s. That being said, how can I not do this without eventually getting to Marilyn Monroe? Certain beauty never goes out of style.

A sneak preview of sorts

As some (most?) of you know, I'm a week and a half away from skipping town for good and driving across the country to LA. This means many things for my life which I won't bother getting into just yet. As for this blog, it means I might keep a travel journal for a later post, I might come out of my trip with a renewed passion for blogging, or I might fall off the face of the earth for an unknown amount of time. The possibilities are endless! In light of my very busy schedule prior to leaving town, here is a scatterbrained post with a few random thoughts and some teasers for posts I may or may not get to before I leave.

- I'm going to do my best to say something about the Oscars before the academy breaks my heart and doesn't honor Mickey Rourke. I've had almost a month to brace myself for disappointment and I still might cry when he gets robbed in favor of Sean Penn. Penn was incredible in Milk, but Mickey Rourke is nothing short of perfect in The Wrestler. Other than that, Slumdog BLAH BLAH I hate Penelope Cruz so much BLAH BLAH Benjamin Button is Forrest Gump 2 and I still love it BLAH BLAH Still mad about The Dark Knight getting snubbed BLAH BLAH Wall-E melts my heart BLAH BLAH Hugh Jackman will suck.

- Chris Brown needs to go to jail, right?

- I was already disturbed by the octuplet lady simply for getting pregnant when she already had six kids. Of course, I didn't know she'd done this all via in vitro fertilization. I wish more people could have seen my reaction when I learned this. It was one of those pure moments where if I was a cartoon, my head would have exploded.

- Why am I not utilizing the brilliance that is Google and it's many applications? Why aren't we all doing it? I will consider myself a failure until I remedy this.

- What's that cliche? Great minds think alike? Then it should not be considered a coincidence that my rekindled love with Monthy Python and the Holy Grail* coincides with Gatorade, excuse me, G's new ad campaign. Check it out:
http://www.missiong.com/show/Quest-for-G
I am in love with this. Even if you're not too keen on Monty Python (shame on you!) it's still wildly entertaining. Some genius in the Gatorade... er, G offices had the courage to ask Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to play the Enchanter. And it has Jabbawockeez! If you don't know these guys, all you need to know about their brilliance is Shaq danced with them at the All Star Game and shall now be called the Big Jabbawockee. I Heart U Shaq.

*Is this the funniest movie ever made? I've been thinking about this for a solid day and I can't think of anything better. Blazing Saddles is the only one I'd consider debating about right now. If any of you people reply to this with some bullshit like Wedding Crashers, I'm putting you on friendship probation. I'm talking to you, TBK!

- Don't think I forgot about my Superbowl MVP prediction. It took me a whole season, but I finally nailed one. Congrats to the Steelers, I guess.

Update: Less than a week after declaring Irish people are genetically inclined to overusing the word "brilliant," I managed to use "brilliance" twice in this post without even noticing. I guess I can live with being a living, breathing stereotype if it means my arbitrary declarations have some truth to them.

*

I should note that I did not win the Razz FTOPS event, nor was my earlier post intended to imply that I did anything meaningful at all in poker today, or that I am good at cards. I will not play said FTOPS event, as it seems like a sure fire way to ruin a Friday night.

I'd sooner watch a King of Queens marathon.

...

Maybe not King of Queens, but definitely a City Guys marathon. 

Don't even try to pretend like you don't remember TNBC.

It happened (Razz)

I won a razz tournament. Holy crap. 

Yes, the competition was incredibly soft, but being that I don't live in Vegas, that's most razz tournaments for me. I'm a little bit in shock, more so than if it was horse or stud8. 

Granted it was only an online event, but since playing razz is usually the worst experience on Earth, I feel pretty decent. I had a maniac stealer to my right all day, but that actually worked out to my advantage, and apparently no one else in the tournament ever put him on a steal. The heads up portion was against him, but somehow he was kind enough  not to raise me every time I had the bring in, even though he was the most aggressive razz player I've ever seen in a MTT. Thanks, bud. I play a lot of razz heads up sngs against these two maniacs from Russia, so I got enough practice to school him pretty hard heads up. I only sucked out once all tournament, and it was in the final two. 

Some notes:

I smell terrible. 

Fuck Razz.

I have carpal tunnel from excessive shuffling of some chips I have laying around. Good anti-tilt remedy though.

And now the obligatory complaining about FullTilt:

1. The structure is balls. The ante is constantly 1/12th or less of the upper betting limit, and out of all the mixed games heads up and multi table tournments I play, the highest I ever see the ante at is 1/10th of the big bet, and that's only for like one level out of every two or three hourse.

2. Conversely, the limits move at an insane pace (of course), and I assume it's in FullTilt's interest to move games along as quickly as possible. People play like hyper aggressive maniacs or loose calling stations in razz tourneys, so why not at least have the ante be 10% or more of the big bet at least a few levels in the tournament? People seem to have no problem making thin steal attempts (even in a razz online event, like anyone will fold), and I myself had to steal to stay afloat at the final table full of tight players. I am positive raising the ante will improve the game and add a level of texture which I believe would make the game more skill dependent, as players would be forced to shift gears back and forth. As it is now, I rarely see players attempt to adapt at all within the course of one event, and maybe they don't have to, with these gawful structures. GAWFUL.

3. Full Tilt has H.O.R.S.E., H.O.S.E., and H.E.R.O.S. cash tables (thought the latter two see absolutely NO action beneath the 1000/2000 levels it seems), and the games change every ten hands. A reasonable approach, I think. Meanwhile, ever single mixed game tournament I've ever witnessed on FullTilt changes the games and levels based on time, whether it be 3, 6, 10, 12, or 15 minutes (the latter constituting what full tilt believes is a "deep" structure I guess. As it is, the hands take forever, and with players generally being clueless, the problem is excasberated. Plus, players are so loose, and pots have so many people in them, that the two split pot games have hands that take REALLY LONG. It's not rare to see a Stud8 portion have about three hands played. As such, I truly believe these mixed game tournaments and sit and goes become limit holdem tournaments, with a few hands of other games splashed in. This irks me to no end. I don't see how it's unreasonable to have like one horse tournament a week or something miniscule like that change levels and games by # of hands, as the cash games are run. 

Hopefully my next rant will be about something meaningful, like Judd Gregg or Chris Brown. 

PA-BLAAAAAM!!!!! WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE BITCHES!!!!!!

Make way.  Make way.  For I have arrived!  After 100 posts with two types of hot sauce on everything, shit starts tasting a bit mild, eh?  Well this is post #101 and I shall reheat this mother with some Totally Brash Knockouts!  

TBK!

Need my credentials?  I have a graduate degree in the NBA.  Majors in Poker & Movies.  Minors in the MLB & Photography.  No high school degree.  I am a certified Apple & Tech nerd.  I'm from New York Fucking City.  I live in Los Angeles.  Go Knicks (go lakers too... eeek).  Go Yankees.  Go Phil Ivey.  And I have a 1,000,000 to 0 undefeated record against James and Ed!  So bring it!

Lebron James sucks! No one really cares that A-Rod took steroids! Kobe is god! Paul Pierce is the worst of the Boston Three Party! Steve Nash should not have any MVPs! The Clippers are cursed! 2K9 blows Live out the water!

Again, my name is TBK.  Nice to meet you.  I'll be back after ALL STAR WEEKEND to talk about how a 5' 7" man out-dunked Dwight Howard.

**Mwhaaaa**

Fuuuuuuuck!

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3890785

I'm too shocked to say anything meaningful. What a terrible thing to wake up to.

It's Working!

I'm sure most of are far too busy being employed and having friends to take notice of every good commercial on tv. Lucky for you, I have no life. So enjoy these two little bundles of joy that make my day a little easier every time they pop up.






That truly is Shaqtastic. Freeze the video at 11 seconds to observe all the Shaqalicious glory on the Scrabble board. How have they not made a Shaq version of Scrabble? Oh, I know why. The Scrabble people are a miserable bunch of cheapskate fools who sue people for making Facebook applications of their game. Get with the 21st Century, most likely dead creator of Scrabble.

Part Deux!

Mike Tomlin does look viciously down to earth in that photograph James provided, doesn't he? I suppose that's part of the coach's charm, or whatever the quality is that appeals to professional sports players. Alas, it is a perspective I will never know. Possible exceptions include the Senior PGA Tour, the Senior European PGA Tour, the Senior Canadian PGA Tour, the PBA tour, and of course my outlandish dream of being a professional backgammon player. By this point, I am digressing too far away from sports branded "athletic". I think I could be good at darts, but to paraphrase Franny Glass, "It just looks so dreadfully tiresome, doesn't it?". 

Super Bowl Prediction:

Arizona 27, Pittsburgh 23.

I was so close to typing 25 after Pittsurgh, but predicting a safety, I figured, would be just too preposterous. 

I do think Arizona is the best team right now. In fact, they look amazing. Big plays on both sides of the field, a domianting turnover margin, and of course the pure talent on offense rising to the occasion. Pittsburgh, in my mind, did not look particularly impressive in their victory over Baltimore in the AFC Championship game, and if they somehow ever have to play in a game where the referee corps don't hand their 401ks to some bookie named Ron with the hopes of the Steelers covering the spread, then they could lose. Clearly, this is unlikely to happen, but this is the Super Bowl so I have to hope that at the very least another woefully mediocre performance won't be enough for victory.

Stuff to consider:

The Cardinals have 8 interceptions in their 3 playoff games. It will be very difficult for the Steelers to win if Ben Roethlisberger throws a couple picks instead of the usual barrage of 11 yard passes. While the Cardinals point defense has not been particularly impressive these playoffs, they have been making some big plays at crucial points. Yes they gave up 375 passing yards to Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles were playing from behind the whole game, and the contract which Andy reid signed to get a lifetime supply of Nacho Cheesier Doritos also forces him to call an average of 59.6 passing plays per game. 

Big play factors. Obviously, this is something sports fans associate with the Cardinals right now, but I believe to be a key to a potential Steeler's victory. Arizona's secondary will have to step it up, because if the last 2 games have told me anything, it's that Pittsburgh has an undying desire to randomly throw at least six 70 yard passes a game, no matter how exhaustingly boring their offense normally appears. If they connect, as they did on a fairly strange pass to Santonio Holmes 2 weeks ago, or rather, connect more than once, Pittsburgh will not lose. I think that Arizona will need a constant barrge of short passes, running plays, and mid range passes over the middle (perhaps to that doofy looking white tight end they have??) to win. They cannot rely on hooking up with Fitzgerald for 80 yards whenever the whim strikes Ken Whisenhunt.  

Hype. Kurt Warner will be ready to go. Ben Roethlisberger will be sacked. James is right in stating that Boldin will be a key to the Cardinals success, and I do believe he will have a big game. If Warner somehow manages to throw zero interceptions, I don't see how the Steelers will win. It just won't happen. Willie Parker had 46 yards on 24 carries last week, and the Cardinals have allowed starting running backs 42, 63, and 45 yards in 3 playoff games. It's not like Turner, Stewart, and Westbrook are the Ian Poulter of rushers, either. I also believe that Joe Crede would be an apt metaphor here. 

Special Teams. Not the fun kind, like punt returning or blocking an extra point and running it back 103 yards for 2 points, but kicking. Just kicking. Arizona's kicker has missed only 3 all year, and he's perfect on the season from 40-49 yards. Apparently Pittsburgh's kicker, Jeff Reed has missed 4 field goals, though I believe this to be the branch of some massive statistical conspiracy which I can't wrap my mind around right now. It probably involves the Freemasons though. I'm certain Reed has never missed a field goal in his life, and if he does shank one in the first half, then prepare yourselves for a 56-14 Cardinals victory. 

The Steelers have managed to beat all of 2 playoff bound teams this year. The Chargers and the Ravens, or for the casual sports fan, the two teams the Steelers beat in the playoffs. That's all. 

The Cardinals have players with names like Neil Rackers and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. 

Troy Polamalu is so overrated, it's ridiculous. Randomly flipping over the line doesn't always get the job done, you know.

X Factor: Tim Hightower. I've actually convinced myself that not only is he the X Factor, but he will be the difference maker, the icing on the cake, and the nail in the coffin. I am certain he will do something. 

MVP: If the Cardinals win I guess it will be Kurt Warner, because the cabal in charge of sports media loves white quarterbacks and only white quarterbacks. I suppose if Fitzgerald goes for something ridiculous like 250 yards, he could get it. We will all know that Tim Hightower is truly deserving of the award though, and I can only hope that the man sleeps soundly Sunday night with such knowledge engrained in his mind. 

What's the spread in the Puppy Bowl?

Obviously I'm not posting too frequently these days and this isn't a particularly inspired one. But I might as well publish my Superbowl prediction. After careful deliberation in the car this morning, I settled on Pittsburgh winning 21-13, which has them covering the spread by one point. I said it wasn't too inspired. Since I'm already writing this, I guess I should pick an MVP while I'm at it. Ummmmm... Santonio Holmes? That sounds about right. With Hines Ward hurt, Holmes is the Steelers' biggest offensive threat. Couple that with the fact that he'll probably return a few punts, I could see him going for something like 6 catches, 150 total yards and a receiving touchdown. That's all the enthusiasm I can muster for this game. My money is on the Steelers but my heart is with Arizona. Here's some more bs I feel like throwing out there for potential "I told you so" bragging rights after the game:

Cardinals X Factor: Anquan Boldin. The Steelers are sure to make life hard for Larry Fitzgerald and people seem to have forgotten how good Boldin is. He spent half the season playing with multiple injuries that sideline most humans for months and still managed to put up Pro Bowl numbers. After two whole weeks of recovery time and questions about his potential attitude problem, the stars seem perfectly aligned for him to blow up in this game. He's also the toughest receiver in the league and has the perfect style to outphysical the Steelers' D and knock them off their pedestal.

Steelers X Factor: Ben Roethlisberger (man that name is difficult) gets this label for all the wrong reasons. I'm actually a big fan of his and think he's vastly underrated, but his job in this game is to not do anything stupid and let the defense win the game. A lot has been made of his poor performance in Superbowl whateverstupidnumberthesteelerswon. If Big Ben tries too hard to redeem himself for that he might just end up blowing it for his team. Also don't be surprised if he goes down with an injury and Byron Leftiwch is forced to step up. Roethlisberger gets hurt a lot and reports of x-rays this week have me worried he might still be feeling the effects of the concussion he suffered a few weeks ago.

Best side effect of a Cardinals win: None really. Almost no one in the Cardinals' predominantly bandwagon fanbase deserves this. Shout out to Drew Brooks, who may the only true Cardinals fan in Arizona. Actually, one benefit of a Cardinals win is the increased likelihood of Kurt Warner leaving for greener pastures or possibly retirement, greatly increasing my chances to win my bet with Edmund that Matt Leinart will start at least one more game in his NFL career.

Best side effect of a Steelers win: America is forced to confront the uncanny resemblance of Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps, leading to Omar Epps starring in "Steel Resolve: The Mike Tomlin Story" on ABC Family.


Dude, stop being chubby, down to earth Omar Epps.

Worst side effect of a Cardinals win: Kurt Warner gets a national stage to peddle Jesus to the public. Listen, we know all about Jesus. Nobody cares if you love him. Just thank him and let us move on with our lives.

Worst side effect of a Steelers win: Even more pissant bandwagon Steelers fans in every major city. Where do these people even come from? It's like every douchebag that grew up more than two hours from a major sports city suddenly finds a way to be a lifelong Steelers fan the second the playoffs begin. You think that James Farrior jersey is fooling me? It's not. Go back to Des Moines and bring you fair weather allegiances with you.

Just to reiterate: Steelers win 21-13 and Santonio Holmes gets MVP.

One last point: How does Larry Fitzgerald not have a nickname? I'm all out of funny so I won't put any ideas out there, but this guy needs to have a nickname by the time next season rolls around.

Enjoy the game if you can. My goals for Sunday only go as far as hoping to get drunk enough to stop caring by the 4th Quarter. GO YANKEES!

Pessimism

I was considering compiling a list of who I think the top 10 underrated comedians are, but being negative is just so much easier. 

Top 10 most overrated songs...EVER!

*This does not necessarily reflect the quality of any particular song listed, as I am only stating what I believe to be the group of songs which have the greatest disparity between actual goodness and their respective hype. I'll also try not to let the amount of playtime on radio or my friends' ipods be the only barometers of how regarded these songs are. 

10. "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M.

9. "Jump Around" by The House of Pain

8. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

7. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

6. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles

5. "Under the Bridge" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers"

4. "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin

3. "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band

2. "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. "Hotel California" by The Eagles

If things work out this way, I'll kick my own ass

Before the NFL season began, Edmund and I made on a bet on our projected playoff brackets. I won't get into how poorly some of our picks have worked out, but there is one thing on my bracket that totally breaks my heart right now. Predictable as I am, I gave the Cowboys the #1 seed in the NFC and, with the fall of Osi Umenyiora (Remember him? He'll be back), I could only manage to justify the #6 seed for the Giants. This all lead to a juicy rematch of last year's showdown. Yeah, so I kind of picked the Cowboys to win the Superbowl. Sure, the Giants won the division and the Cowboys might not even make the playoffs. But this doesn't change the fact that a Giants-Cowboys game is totally possible and I have an irrattional fear of jinxing New York sports teams.

Maybe I'm just perpetuating the jinx by writing this. Maybe I'm instigating a reverse jinx a la Bill Simmons. All I know is I'll never forgive myself if the Giants fall to the Cowboys in January. With my luck, Tom Brady will probably make a mircaulous recovery and lead the Patriots all the way to a fourth championship. Now I've gone too far.

The title is Happy

I've been struggling with a script for a little while now and one of the big hang-ups right now is the title. I can't find any of my notes so I'm publishing this idea where I can't lose it. So yeah, the title of my unfinished script is Happy. No, it's not a romantic comedy and it will have nothing to do with Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, I'm writing a script called Happy and it should be done some time in the 21st Century. Stay tuned!

If I was a film critic...

I could call Magnolia a symphony of coincidence. Alas, I am but a lowly blogger, so I have to put boundaries on my pretentious, nonsensical ramblings. Maybe I can become a struggling comedian and pull out this gem of a description on I Love The 90s: 2022 Edition. And if you're thinking I Love The 90s won't be around in 2022, then you're neglecting the fact that Michael Ian Black will still be alive and lonely.

Plan B costs $40 too

By special request from one of my 2-4 readers, I've got something to say about condoms. About a month ago I was talking about sex with a friend and she mentioned that her boyfriend uses lamb skin condoms. She swore to me that it's almost like having real, beautiful, unprotected sex. I was sold enough that I actually got to the point where I was prepared to buy myself a box and masturbate with one (you know, for scientific research). What she didn't mention is that they cost $40! You've got to be out your mind if you think I'm about to pay $40 to have sex 12 times. It already costs enough going out for dinner or drinks or whatever else is your preferred method for wooing prospective partners. There is no way I'm going to waste that much extra money to put a barrier between my penis and, um... lady parts. In all honesty, I think I'd rather roll the dice and get a $2 blowjob.

What else are you supposed to do with a name like Zooey?

Man, that Zooey Deschanel really is just about the cutest lady ever. I just watched Elf for the first time the other night and that woman is absolutely adorable. I didn't even mind that silly blond dye job they made her spor. I just want to stay up late with her talking about pop culture and cuddling. That's not to say I wouldn't sleep with her (duh!). She just seems like a really good cuddler. Does this mean I'm going to pay $12 to see Yes Man? Hell no! If I want to seem Jim Carrey playing an everyman having an identity crisis I'll rent Liar Liar.