Great

The outcome of sports' seasons are getting quite lame. The last titles in the 4 major sports? New York, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh. Swell. It's kind of like Walmart, Nike, Proctor &

Gamble, and Comcast winning consumer choice awards.

Well fuck you too

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091104/ap_on_el_st_lo/us_gay_marriage_maine

Americans seem to get so much more riled up for situations where they can be against something rather than in support of an ideal. To put it another way, we are drinking the haterade. It's time to realize that a lack of effort equals inaction, and an inability to counter this "anti" fervor is tantamount to failure.

The number of individuals who actually support gay marriage, and how said people fit along the bandwidth of bigotry are factors decreasing in importance in the modern struggle to implement common sense and gay rights in our society. It has become an issue of who can yell the loudest, and it's plain foolish for progressives to think that leading up to one of these stupid ballot measures there won't be some town crier and his band of hooligans trailing closely behind.

I don't have enough information to criticize the effort of the pro-gay marriage supporters in Maine, or their execution and impact. It's fine if they thought it was only about Maine, but 2 seconds of thought would clearly reveal that's not how our contemporary media works. Possibly, they thought completely the opposite, and were unable to acutely focus on appealing to local voters. Either way, the right wing always seems to feel they are fighting a nationwide battle with widespread implications-even on the local level-and whether valid or not, it appears to be a consistently motivating factor for voters on cultural issues.

Perhaps the rest of us have an inability to think so grandiosely, a quality which is often unattractive and damaging. Yet with an utter refusal to frame the gay marriage debate in even somewhat truthful or logical terms, we will continue being at the mercy of the right wing. We may laugh when they say they're doing something bigger than themselves, but perhaps some focus beyond only self-serving issues might someday be useful to the rest of us. Zealots come in many shape and forms, and seem to be of increasing value come election day.

It's not about other countries laughing at us, it's not about the prejudices you hate or the ones you hang on to, it's not about it being cool to take a stance, or hating conservatives, supporting or opposing gay marriage for no particular reason, it's not about trying to be trendy, and it's not about your own marriage or concept thereof. It is a simple matter of human and civil rights.

I'd like to believe at some point in my lifetime this nation can move on to arguing about issues which actually have more than one valid side to them, issues with some texture and grey area which are more convoluted than the black and white topics shoved down our face every day.

Then I think, and I realize maybe that's not what it's about either. I'm an effort to dodge the conflict and difficulty associated with the gay marriage debate, and truly, the issue of homosexuality in America as a whole, I am losing any vision of a solution. Perhaps because I'm not on the fence about this, I just feel like it should end a certain way so we can move on. That's not only short-sighted, but ignorant as well. It isn't for the reason that my belief necessarily devalues the effort put forth by gay rights supporters, but rather because it overvalues the level of communication and understanding within our culture.

Myself, along with many other Americans, have to realize that these goals haven't been reached, and that expectation alone accomplishes very little, especially as long as there is at least one person on the other side of the aisle, screaming as loudly as they possibly can.

In the 1950's

There was network television. For some of us, that's still the case. Clearly the cablephiles reading are already lost, therefore I will present information relevant to your brain.

Best Comedies:

NBC

ABC

FOX

CBS

This really is the ugliest television category possible. People are so used to there being "comedy" on tv that they don't realize there isn't any. I don't mean isn't as in 'there aren't 3 funny shows in television', but otherwise take that statement as literally as possible. There may not be 4 funny shows on TV, let alone network tv, but this list merely reflects an understanding of the following:

NBC has the funniest show, and is probably the only network channel with more than one funny show. CBS is actually so blatantly horrific that I would be fine with putting the CW and whatever UPN has turned into in your area well ahead of CBS in this category. I don't even know of any comedies on the CW, but when the guy from Two and a Half Men (who's not Charlie Sheen!) is winning an emmy, Ray Romano is bigger than the CEO, and we're dealing with the channel that is bringing a Jenna Elfman project to the small screen while still maintaining the best ratings, I simply have no sympathy for CBS.

Sports Coverage:

ABC

CBS

FOX

NBC

FOX is so cheesy and will never get any better. You know how they have those super awkward shots of football players faces as they introduce themselves, then have nothing to say for like 7 seconds? Now they have that for robots! FOX has an animated robot acting awkward and blocking a quarter of the screen during a sporting event. It makes no sense to me. NBC is terrible and ruins everything they touch sports wise. Al Michaels, Marv Albert, Bob Costas, it just gets worse and worse. Even the Olympics make my veins dry up and turn to chili peppers.

Best Dramas:

ABC

NBC

FOX

CBS

I'm putting ABC first because of Lost and Life on Mars, but really because they and FOX are the only ones that take chances with their dramas, and FOX's "chances" are usually the same thing. True-Flash Forward, an ABC show I have no plans of ever watching-looks a lot like Lost, but ABC has had tons of semi-risky almost decent shows, easily placing itself ahead of:

NBC (Law & Order, Law & Order: Cum Police, Law & Order: The Donofrio Hovercraft, Nerds, This is Arquette), CBS (CSI: MXDL, Num 3 Ers, and a multitude of shows where fancy, and it has to be fancy groups of law-enforcement types successfully solve murders while trying to remain sexy), and FOX (24).

News Coverage:

NBC

CBS

ABC

FOX

Truly, there are three 3rd place finishers, and one 4th. NBC is owned by GE, which has its hands in so many things I doubt I'd even be informed about it. ABC is owned by Disney, and CBS by Viacom. Brian Williams is superior to Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson, and while I used to give FOX a glimmer of credit for airing The Simpsons and Seinfeld while other networks aired local and national news, the beast now shows it's own combo of local news+TMZ. Murdoch.

Reality Shows:

ABC

NBC

CBS

FOX

I don't like reality shows. I do however like Jeopardy, which airs on ABC and certainly fits in this category, since most network reality shows are game shows revolving around a prize anyway. NBC gets second place simply because I don't know of any reality shows on this channel. CBS gets third because it's not FOX, and 4th goes to the makers of Temptation Island, Nanny 911, American Idol (I consider this one bad, have your own opinions), and trying to air Celebrity Mole after the original broadcasted on ABC.

Lobster in just 20 minutes!

Three steps to maybe not sucking so much when Mariano Rivera pitches to you:

1. Always swing at the 1st pitch. Don't fool yourself into thinking a guy who's played since the '20's is tossing the first one in the dirt.

2. Stop trying to hit home runs.

3. Never swing at any pitch thrown on a 0-2 or 1-2 count.

4. Bunt

Without further ado, my NBA regular season predictions for 2009-10, with each team's X-Factor in parentheses.

ATLANTIC

Boston (Kevin Garnett)

Philadelphia (Elton Brand)

New York (Larry Hughes)

Toronto (Hedo Turkoglu)

New Jersey (Courtney Lee/Chris Douglas-Roberts)

CENTRAL

Chicago (Joakim Noah)

Cleveland (Shaq I guess; I want to say Mo Williams, but we're trying to be reputable here at br)

Indiana (Granger can't do it all-Hibbert, Head, and Ford)

Detroit (Ben Gordon)

Milwaukee (Mbah a Moute?)

SOUTHEAST

Orlando (Vince Carter)

Atlanta (Al Horford or Marvin Williams sure, but this is the resurrection)

Washington (Gilbert Arenas)

Miami (Michael Beasley)

Charlotte (Tyson Chandler)

NORTHWEST

Portland (The presence of Steve Blake pales in comparison to that of Juwan Howard)

Denver (Kenyon Martin)

Utah (Andrei Kirilenko)

Oklahoma City (Jeff Green)

Minnesota (Corey Brewer)

PACIFIC

L.A. Lakers (Ron Artest, Shannon Brown, Adam Morrison-in that order)

Phoenix Suns (Channing Frye)

L.A. Clippers (Baron Davis)

Golden State Warriors (Monta Ellis)

Sacramento Kings (___)

SOUTHWEST

Dallas (Shawn Marion)

New Orleans (Emeka Okafor)

San Antonio (Tim Duncan)

Houston (Tracy McGrady)

Memphis (Allen Iverson)

Yo

Check out this ocelot. I want this ocelot as a pet. I will love him and feed and make him the happiest kitteh around. Must be the bedroom eyes.

Bring the Good Stuff

I hope these hiccups aren't the end of me.

When the worlds of football, religion, and apologies collide!

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4585346

My favorite part?

Either:

a) That giving deference to anything somewhat Christian is mandatory in our society

b) This mascot was enough of a jerk to do this, and his team lost 20-0

c) It's pretty funny

d) No one thinks it's silly or sacrilegious to pray for good things to happen in football. Granted, I guess this guy was doing it after scoring, so a thank you to God is perhaps better than some coach asking God for victory in a game determined by skill. Do board members go into meetings seriously asking God to make them victorious? Probably.

e) "On behalf of Goldy..."

Watch out world, it's Ben Foster

Normally, October is the month which begins to usher in the wave of movies which I might actually want to go and see. This year it seems like a taller order, given that I've been to the theaters 3, maybe 4 times so far this year. It really goes without saying, however, that months October-January can often have twice the number of good films released during the other eight months.

So far, it's not looking good. Here's what I'm working with:

Yes: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Maybe: Me and Orson Welles, Up in the Air, Fantastic Mr. Fox

Probably not: Sherlock Holmes, The Box, The Men Who Stare at Goats, It's Complicated

I doubt it but you never know: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Saw VI

Please: Armored, 2012, The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, Old Dogs, Did You Hear About the Morgans, Amelia

Rank my life

The following is a list of states I have been to, in order of how much I liked them. I will try to remain as subjective as possible, ignoring as many factors that run contrary to my beliefs as I can.

I will however, try to exclude from my reasoning whether or not I had a good time while I was there, as well as the reputation of the particular state.

After that, I will list the states I haven't been in order of my desire to go. States that I have only visited within the constraints of an airport will slip into the have not been list.

The Best:

1. Maryland---So many terrains! Mountains, cities, oceans, rivers, swamps, suburbs, it's all within a few hours. The second best seafood I've ever have, and a healthy mix of rude urbanites, down to earth youth, and kind rednecks. Baltimore is also my 2nd favorite city in the country. A strange mixture of self-deprecation and reassuring confidence assures that the middle rules the state, probably because social advancement is obstructed by an insistence on drinking a variety of shitty, cheap beer. The sprawl of suburbs may spell cultural doom for part of the state, but at least some jackass is making money from it.

2. Virginia---Northern Virginia might be the worst place in America, but the rest of the state is beautiful. Also, things are cheap. Not Brooklyn cheap, but actually affordable. Generally everything near the Chesapeake Bay watershed is fairly awesome, with the exception of most of the people. Far more progressive than many of it's northern counterparts.

3. Louisiana---I went through it when I was little, but since forgot. A somewhat recent trip to New Orleans made me certain it is the coolest city I've ever been to. Maybe one of the only places left where you can hear good live music at a bar without the presence of complete toolbags or an air of false superiority. In New Orleans, you can smoke inside, drink outside, get incredible food for less than 5 dollars and gamble all in one establishment. The people are nice, removed of the mandatory bitterness which plagues lifelong residents of the east coast I am under the impression the rest of the state has some deep social problems, but also an upside as well.

4. Texas---Far less redneck than society would have you believe, numerous big cities and a huge and diverse countryside. The people possess a different perspective than the rest of the nation, though it's hard to pinpoint what it is. Great food. Women who like sports. Home of some of the most brilliant artists in American history.

5. New York---Pros: New York City, and a casino 6 hours away where you can gamble at the age of 18. Also, Rochester seemed kinda cool. My dad tells me far up north is gorgeous. Cons: Donald Trump, Poughkeepsie, Binghamton, Verona, people who live 20 minutes outside of the city but say they're from "upstate", middle class Long Island, upper class Long Island, the Village, hot trains, the metro-north, Jeffrey Mayer, Times Square, Jets fans, and an unyielding power to cause every white person to believe it's the coolest conversation piece ever and tell you they've lived there if they've ever spent more than 6 consecutive days in the city.

6. Pennsylvania---So many Cracker Barrels. An infinite array of interstates. My girlfriend. Philadelphia. Mike Mussina. How something so close to New Jersey could still have any beauty and amount of pleasant people is beyond me. It's far less crappy than I thought it would be.

7. California---Not as cool as the world thinks. Still somewhat unique. A state this big is just bound to have cool and whack sections, but at least the cities have a distinctly different feel than those on the east coast. Awesome hills/mountains close to the ocean, and the most casinos of any state in the country. Everyone thinks they are the coolest, even if they still where Jnco jeans and eat at Chipotle. They also have an utter refusal not to believe each person is more unique than the next, despite the fact that they listen to Green Day, Dave Matthews Band, or Jack Johnson.

8. New Jersey---If NJ didn't have Atlantic City, it would plummet even further. Still, the northwest section of the state is ridiculously awesome, and as far removed from the national stereotype of this state as it can be. That being said, man the stereotype is so apt. If you're a total douchebag, don't feel like being in shape, making sense, treating anyone with an appropriate amount of respect, choosing between liking Philly or New York sports teams and can't get a date anywhere, move to New Jersey. You won't be allowed to pump your gas and you can listen to inane stories about how towns 15 minutes away from each other are so different.

Great bagels-in many cases, superior to New York City's.

9. Delaware---It's close enough to Maryland and Pennsylvania to be an acceptable amalgamation of both. Not terrible, not really unique, unless you count a lack of uniqueness as a sign of originality. It's known as the 1st state for a reason. Have you ever seen the Delaware bit from "Wayne's World"? Totally apt.

11. Nevada---I've been to Reno and it's dumb. I went to Vegas and the Hoover Dam when I was 17. A statewide insistence on being libertarian, though I kinda think to most people that just means acting like a jackass and being able to defend it with a paltry understanding of said political affiliation.

12. North Carolina---I've only been to one part of the state since the age of 6. It's kinda nice. Cigarettes are $2.50. Feel how you like about that. I've heard the western part of the state is peaceful, and Charlotte is quickly becoming one of the biggest metropolises in the nation. Once while tripping, I called it a 'financial whirlwind' despite having never been there. Still one of my finest moments.

13. Rhode Island---Honestly, If I spent more time in West Virginia, I have a feeling I'd bump it ahead of Rhode Island. To be fair, being geographically stuck between Massachusetts and Connecticut means this state never really had a chance. Still, how does Providence not have a pro sports team? The following small and in some cases, lesser known cities have them (and even Hartford used to have a hockey team): Portland, Memphis, Nashville, Milwaukee, Green Bay, Salt Lake City, Jacksonville, New Jersey, Orlando, Buffalo, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, and Sacramento. Seriously! Green Bay and Sacramento? And Buffalo has 2! Rhode Island is doing something wrong.

13. West Virginia---I've only been to the towns closest to Maryland, and I was noticeably unimpressed. It's like a watered down version of the West Virginia sterotype in those area. Oh, once I went to a resort with my Granddad deeper in the state and it was great, but it's no representation. I did have a really awesome roommate from Charleston, which is possibly more cosmopolitan than people think. I hear Morgantown's (home of WVU) streets flow with vomit though. Also people from Maryland go there to gamble, thus ensuring their money goes towards corruption in a different state. I know nothing of the middle of the state, and despite the unending jokes, I feel most Americans have about the same level of knowledge as me.

14. Massachusetts---Oh boy, does this place suck. It's known for having pretty leaves in the fall. Seriously? That's what it's known for. And really, I think Vermont is better known for that. What a terrible category to be famous for being 2nd in. Boston is an awesome city for about 20 minutes, but not necessarily the 1st 20 minutes. You never know when that really sweet 20 minutes will come by, and to get there you have to deal with the largest, most unfathomable, illogical wave of crappiness this side of The Santa Clause. Loud, mean people, terrible sports fans, a silly puritan influence juxtaposed with an inability to deal with a widespread alcoholism problem all set against the backdrop of a fairly regressive society. Undoubtedly, the most racist place I have ever been in my life.

15. Connecticut/Ohio (tie)---Oooo boy. What to say? Have you ever been to Connecticut?

As a caveat, I've never been to Cleveland or Cincinnati, and Columbus is nice. really clean. Still, Ohio has got to be the most redneck state I've ever seen. And not like, "we eat possum, have sex with our cousins, kill intruders, but still maintain a local agricultural economy and have small businesses" redneck. More like McDonald's+McDonald's+the Gap+anger+a suffocating existence+the KKK+McDonald's kind of redneck.

States I haven't been to, can't remember, or have only driven through:

1. Idaho 13. North Dakota 25. Alabama

2. Montana 14. Missouri 26. Florida

3. Mississippi 15. Utah 27. Nebraska

4. Hawaii 16. Tennessee 28. Kansas

5. Alaska 17. Georgia 29. Michigan

6. South Carolina 18. Washington 30. Arizona

7. South Dakota 19. New Mexico 31. Indiana

9. Oregon 21. Iowa 32. Arkansas

11. Kentucky 23. Wisconsin 33. Oklahoma

12. Minnesota 24. Colorado 34. New Hampshire

Baseball is silly

If there was a prize for drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade in an hour, I would get at least a bronze. Without having recently eaten dinner, I'm sure I could put away a gallon in 30 minutes.

Psshhhhhhh

I dropped a Lincoln betting on Middle Tennessee State to beat Troy (of Alabama, not Iliad fame) tonight. It seemed like a good idea: The Blue Raiders had beaten Memphis, North Texas, and Maryland (a sad day), while Troy had lost to Florida by 50 this year.

A lock of a bet gained even more certainty when I saw the name of Middle Tennessee's quarterback: Dwight Dasher. Too cool right?. His parents are truly brilliant.

Unfortunately Middle Tennessee chose to punt like 3 times from the Troy 35 yard line in the first half, and found themselves down 14-0 early. At that point I discovered something which I knew had doomed me to a loss---the names of three Troy wide receivers.

Josh Jarboe, Shawn Southward, and Jerrel Jernigan.

I never had a chance.

They will be who we thought they would be

Sunday represents a turning point in the NFL season. After four games, records will be important enough to influence which teams will be likely to make or miss the playoffs. Excitement for the novelty of the season beginning will be replaced by the energy powering intense media scrutiny. Players, coaches, and teams will be instantly categorized, even if it does mean in week 14 you'll like like an idiot for thinking the Broncos were going to make the playoffs.

Win or no playoffs for you, Week 4:

All the 0-3 teams, plus Washington, Arizona, Houston, Buffalo, Dallas, Jacksonville, and Chicago

Most of the teams that would need to win by merely Week 4 are just so bad that any talk of playoffs is just unnecessary anyway. There are differing reasons for the teams listed above. Washington would lack the confidence needed to turn a season around if they lose to Tampa Bay on Sunday. The same level of embarrassment applies to Dallas if they lose. Arizona falls somewhere in the middle, a 1-3 record would basically mean they are not improving on last season. Buffalo can't lose a divisional game, and along with Houston they understand that even 11-5 is sometimes not good enough for a wild card in the AFC.

Still doesn't matter:

Indianapolis, NY Giants, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, and San Diego

All these teams will still be favorites to make the playoffs even with losses this weekend.

Something to prove:

Baltimore, NY Jets, Denver, Green Bay, San Francisco, and Miami

Something to lose:

New England, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Tennessee

I like the following picks:

San Diego (+7) vs Pittsburgh

New Orleans (-7) vs NY Jets

Tennessee (-3) vs Jacksonville

Miami (+2.5) @ Buffalo

Money in the bank: Cincinnati (-6) vs Cleveland

Slobberknocker of the week: Baltimore @ New England

Picks!

I feel like football is probably the easiest sport to enjoy if you're team surely is/going to be crappy for the season. Basketball might be #1, because of the speed and awesome plays involved, and the fact that an 81 game season adds an air of casualness. I can certainly say that baseball sucks the maximum amount of air possible if you're team is out. Somehow, in a sport in which the season lasts a whopping 162 games, at least 20 teams are guaranteed to miss the playoffs by the end of June, if not May.

Week 3 Picks (pick on left, home team in italics)

Houston (-4) vs Jacksonville

Denver (-2) vs Oakland

Washington (-6) vs Detroit

New England (-4.5) vs Atlanta

Indianapolis (+2.5) vs Arizona

New Orleans (-6) vs Buffalo

San Diego (-6) vs Miami

Thoughts:

I'm sure one can see that all but one pick are favorites. I do think some underdogs have a chance to win this week, but the spreads are for the most part, fairly thin. Seattle hosts Chicago in a possible let down game for the Bears (-2.5), but Seattle could easily lose by a field goal. That's pretty much how overtime works in the NFL, someone loses by 3 points.

The Steelers (-4.5) traveling to play the Bengals is closer to a choice for taking the points, but the Steelers have dominated this matchup for awhile now, and can muster a 6 point victory.

I'd probably pick the Jets to beat the Titans, so maybe I'm missing that game in the above list, but for now I will succumb to my genetic predisposition towards believing the Jets are awful.

As for the picks I did make, Washington can't beat many teams right now, but Detroit is one of them. Everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon of a team that's lost 19 in a row, but they haven't even come close to losing by even a touchdown this season. The Colts are clearly superior to the Cardinals, who themselves haven't played good defense in about 638 years.

Jacksonville might end up having one of the worst 5 records in the league, depending on how the epic battle with St. Louis goes in two weeks. The AFC South divisional games always seem to play to a tight final score, but it seems to me the Texans are on the upswing while Jacksonville falls the other direction.

How much would it take?

This is a vote/answer sort of question. There's just no poll. Listed below will be a variety of foods, or in some cases, things. Out of the following, which price would you soonest expect to see in this country, outside of obvious always over priced settings (airport, casino, amusement park, sports game, etc)? Or do any of these prices already exist?

A. Cup of regular coffee, no frills ---(hypothetical price) $5

B. Turkey/Ham sandwich --- $10

C. Pack of cigarettes --- $20

D. Slice of pizza --- $5

E. Cheeseburger --- $15

F. 12 oz can of soda --- $2

G. 6 pack of any crappy light beer (Bud, Natty, Keystone, etc) --- $12

H. Movie ticket --- $17

I. Ketchup at a fast food restaurant --- $.50

J. Order of french fries, no stuff on top --- $5

K. Interstate toll --- $10

L. The bus --- $4

Week Two

Along the vein of talk radio hosts and burly ex-players who actually get paid to make rash, biased, and formulaic predicitons about America's favorite sport, it's time to break down some NFL Week 2 games with thoughts about the future of the season.

My observations while watching the Week 1 games occured in the following sequence:

The Redskins are gawful; I wish I had ESPN; You mean the Colts are going to play defense this year; The Patriots are so annoying; Week 1 means very little; Oh no, am I going to have to hear about the Jets being good; Wow, every announcer and pundit on television seems to think Week 1 means everything; Wait, it's okay-the Jets won't have 12 wins a season anytime before 2525; The Chargers are overhyped, what a strangely familiar feeling...

Aside: Of course we live in a society where people desperately want Kanye West's career to fall apart because he had an opinion at a stupid, tool-fest of an awards show, but not because he's made millions from several songs that suck. "Home" was good, though. The remixed one. But seriously, anyone who gets that heated because Taylor Swift beat Beyonce in anything that doesn't have "skinniest corporate puppet" engraved on the trophy should find other things to care about.

Like this. If I had enough of my soul left, I probably would have cried. I want to be this guy's friend, and as for the Ukranian who purposely dropped his title in an effort towards self-preservation, holy shit, you are so much more mature than me. I'm sad just thinking about it.

Here's some popcorn:

Worst Week 1 performance- Really, really, hard to name anyone besides St. Louis here. The only victim of a shutout, I should note they had an injured quarterback and had to play in what I believe to be the most difficult stadium in the league. The Bengals and Broncos are very close to winning this one though, as both teams should be ashamed to lose to the other. Kinda like an Orioles vs Nationals interleague baseball game. That week 1 Arizona-San Francisco game is often quite close and wasn't too surprising, but I'm gonna have to give worst performace to Troy Aikman. Don't bet against a repeat next Sunday. Crap, I forgot about the Panthers. They are the blurst.

Best performance-Falcons. Maybe the Jets or Packers. Atlanta beat a division winner, but the Jets were on the road. It could easily go to a comeback fueled victory by the 49'ers who not only defeated a division rival and Super Bowl runner up on the road, but did it on the back of oft-maligned quarterback Shawn Hill, a University of Maryland graduate who is now 8-3 as a starter in the NFL.

Coolest play-Not this. That was dumb. This is what's up. I'm biased. Still, the Wayne catch could only be considered unimpressive compared to the others in a career of ridiculous grabs.

Week 2 Picks:

New England (-4)

Green Bay (-9)

Detroit (+10)

Indianapolis (-3.5)

New York Giants (+3)

Lock of the Week:

Atlanta (-6)

Shoe-in of the Week:

Seattle (+1.5)

A perfect season in the making?

I managed to make it through one whole football game without making a losing pick. Amazing! Somehow I don't see this record surviving the weekend. Onto to the (hastily made) picks.

Home teams in caps

Kansas City (+13) over BALTIMORE [Over 36]

Denver (+4.5) over CINCINNATI [Under 42.5]

CLEVELAND (+4.5) over Minnesota [Under 40]

NY Jets (+4.5) over HOUSTON [Under 44]

INDIANAPOLIS (-7) over Jacksonville [Over 44.5]

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Detroit [Over 49]

ARIZONA (-6) over San Francisco [Over 46]

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Chicago [Under 46]

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo [Over 47.5]

San Diego (-9) over OAKLAND [Over 43]

Quick Hit

Holy moly I made it through another off-season. I'm too excited to form coherent sentences. Here's my first of many attempts at beating the betting lines this season:

TITANS (+ 6.5)

UNDER 36 Points

The Steelers will win, but not by a touchdown. Field goals galore tonight! Steelers win 16-10.

Hooray for unsupported NFL predictions!

And my god, hooray for football! At the time of this post, we are roughly 24 hours away from the glorious return of football. Will this inspire more activity on the blog? Who gives a shit!? Football is back! Now to make sound predictions and wild accusations in the hopes of more than 50% of them making sense...

AFC East

1. New England Patriots

2. Miami Dolphins

3. Buffalo Bills

4. New York Jets

Boy, that Tom Brady sure looks healthy again. And Randy Moss sure is the perfect receiver to go with him. Fuck my life. The Pats are preseason favorites to win it all and it's hard to argue with that right now.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

2. Baltimore Ravens

3. Cincinnati Bengals

4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers and Ravens will once again beat the snot out of each other and the rest of the league. I think the Bengals and Browns can both improve this year, but neither team is anywhere near the playoff picture.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts

2. Tennessee Titans

3. Houston Texans

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

It's hard to see the Titans staying on top with Kerry Collins under center for a full season and Albert Haynesworth gone for that ridiculous contract (7 years, $100 million) from the Redskins. I like the Texans as an improving team, but Matt Schaub is on the verge of getting the permanent injury prone label. If/when he goes down, so does the Texans' season. Oh, and Peyton Manning is kind of a genius. Look for the Colts to exceed expectations and make another serious run at a Super Bowl. Will it be Peyton's last chance?

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers

2-4. Who gives a fuck?

How many key Chargers players have to go down before this isn't a lock? Two? Three? Philip Rivers takes over this year and makes a run at his first MVP trophy.

AFC Wild Cards: Ravens, Titans

I didn't want to pick the Titans here, but they get in based on their easy schedule (AFC East and NFC West) and my belief that there is a major drop off in the AFC after the top five teams.

NFC East

1. New York Giants

2. Philadelphia Eagles

3. Washington Redskins

4. Dallas Cowboys

Am I the only person not buying all this Eagles hype? What exactly makes them favorites in the NFC? Is it Andy Reid's refusal to run the football combined with his inability to manage the clock? Is it that they still don't know how to convert on third down? Perhaps it's the aging defense and injury plagued training camp? McNabb and Westbrook have enough talent to get this team to the playoffs, where they will once again come up short. I'll hold back my other opinions on this division for now because I will have plenty to say as the season progresses. GO GIANTS!

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers

2. Minnesota Vikings

3. Chicago Bears

4. Detroit Lions

I figure Brett Favre is good to lose about 1.5 games completely on his own. Everybody kept saying the Vikings were a QB away from Super Bowl contention. The Vikings are still a QB away from Super Bowl contention. I think Chicago is heading in the right direction with Jay Cutler, but give it a year before everything comes together. Despite my doubts about Ryan Grant as a feature back, the Packers have enough talent and a good coach to get back on top and officially rid themselves of Brett Favre. OOOOOO! It sure will be interesting to see if a Packer can break one of Favre's brittle, brittle bones. I won't exactly shed a tear if it goes down that way.

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons

2. New Orleans Saints

3. Carolina Panthers

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

As much as I love Drew Brees and his bro scar, he can't carry that team alone. If Reggie Bush gets his shit together and finds a way to have a couple 100 yard RUSHING games, I will eat crow here. For now, it's all about Matty Ice, whatever Michael Turner's nickname is and whoever the hell else plays for Atlanta.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks

2. Arizona Cardinals

3. San Francisco 49ers

4. St. Louis Rams

Kurt Warner is 38. I'm willing to bet against Arizona based on that single piece of information. The Seahawks rally behind Matt Hasselbeck to bring this division back to glorious mediocrity. Bonus points to the division if Mike Singletary drops his pants again.

NFC Wild Cards: Eagles, Saints

Expect to see a ton of teams contending for the Wild Card late in the season. Should make for some interesting action around the league. I'm picking Philly and New Orleans because they're the best two teams in the mix, but small changes of fortune can swing this in all sorts of directions.

Best Record: Pittsburgh Steelers

Best Record (NFC): New York Giants

Worst Record: Oakland Raiders

Team Most Likely to finish 8-8: Buffalo Bills

AFC Sleepers: Houston Texans

NFC Sleepers: San Francisco 49ers, Washington Redskins

First coach fired: Jack Del Rio (Jacksonville Jaguars)

Soon followed by: Wade Phillips (Dallas Cowboys), Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals), John Fox (Carolina Panthers)

Fired at the end of the year: Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills), Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings)

Fired if they miss the playoffs: Sean Peyton (New Orleans Saints), Andy Reid (Philadelphia Eagles)

Coach of the Year: Already addressed

Will Michael Vick be significant? NO

Will TO cause trouble in Buffalo? NO

Does anybody care about TO anymore? Only if you live in Buffalo

Will a Bengals player get arrested this year? You betcha!

Comeback Player of the Year: Osi Umenyiora (New York Giants)

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Percy Harvin (Minnesota Vikings)

Defensive Rooke of the Year: Fuck if I know

Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Defensive Player of the Year: Ed Reed will destroy us all!

MVP Runners-up: Tom Brady, Philip Rivers (San Diego Chargers), Peyton Manning

MVP: Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings)

Least Valuable Player: Brett Favre

NFC Championship: Giants vs. Falcons

AFC Championship: Chargers vs. Colts

Super Bowl 44 A.K.A the Obama Bowl!: Giants vs. Colts

Winner: The Indianapolis Colts win the Manning/Obama Bowl! Peyton out-pouts Eli for all the glory.

Thoughts:

If you ever see some random white kid get really mad when he gets carded for trying to buy beer, he is certainly under the age of 21.

Reasons:

1. If he has a hat which reps no particular sports team, but advertises either some kind of skateboarding company or a color.

2. Anyone over the age of 21 merely gives a "Really? This is what you're doing? I don't bring my ID cause I'm old. I guess it's your job. Sigh..." look.

3. Alcohol is sold so many places in America, anyone over the drinking age can just go next door and accomplish the goals for the evening 7 seconds later.

4. Kids and middle aged men drink beer, people who know what's up buy liquor.

A prize for thee, if ye answers questions of three

These must be answered without looking at the internet. If you cheat, understand you should feel bad about yourself. If you don't feel bad about yourself, go to McDonald's.

1. There are two states within the contiguous portion of America which have exactly zero Amtrak stations. Can you name them?

2. What was the last state to repeal prohibition?

3. Which American city with at least 2 professional sports teams has the longest current streak (in terms of years) of not making the playoffs in any of said sports?