I bought something...

Head on over to the Something Store and see for yourself. Thanks to AGSC for bringing this to my attention.

A different kind of resolution

I've never been one to make to make New Year's resolutions. Perhaps I never saw the value in deciding the middle of winter was a good time to quit smoking, lose weight and do the other generic thing people tell themselves they will finally do this year- Turns out it's much easier to quit smoking and start exercising during spring in sunny California- or, in a more general sense, using holidays as motivational tools. Also, grumble grumble pessimism bah humbug and so on. So here I am, all positive about life (gross), resolving to start a second blog and become a superfreak. (Aside: Listen Blogger, as your name suggests, this is a fucking blog. Vernacular abounds in your world. Stop telling me superfreak isn't a word.) These resolutions are of little or no actual importance since my ability to carry them out has little to do with a calendar. The resolutions of mine that matter to my life do not involve December, January or any specific timeframe at all.

While listening to one of the two podcasts I subscribe to, I heard a story from Ted Leonsis, owner of the Washington Wizards and Washington Capitals. His story has nothing to do with sports, but it might have helped him get involved in sports. As the story goes, Ted Leonsis was on a plane that had an emergency landing. After experiencing a near-near-death experience, Leonsis took it upon himself to make a list of 101 things to do before he died. It's not a bucket list, per se, it's more of a guideline for how he wanted to live his life. The entire first section of the list is dedicated to raising a family. In fact, most of the list consists of the normal things one might hope to accomplish in a "complete" life. But then there are some loftier goals thrown in there. Owning a sports team is there. So is having a net worth of $100 million. He's got both of those checked off. He's fifty-three years old and he's done more than eighty things from his list.

I got inspired enough to make my own list. I quickly realized that it isn't about putting your whole life on a piece of paper. I came to think of it as more of a loose outline for the next 60-75 years. No schedule, no real plan, just some broad ideas of how I'd like things to play out. Am I going to laminate it and keep it in a safe place for the rest of my life? Probably not. But I find it comforting to have a record of what I would like out my life. Like Leonsis, I have a lot of general family stuff. The first three things on my list are get married, have kids, have grandkids. I didn't get as optimistic to think I can realistically own a sports team- not until I win the lottery anyway. There's still some cool stuff I hope to achieve. Did you know I'm going to run a marathon, host a radio show and make my own whiskey? I'm also going skydiving before I have kids. By the way, I'm afraid of heights.

Whether or not I come close to completing my list is beside the point. I wrote it all down to motivate myself to shoot for a life I'd be proud of. I'm giving myself a reason do all the bullshit. In this season of short-term thinking, I'm looking for some long-term inspiration. Even if I come up drastically short of getting it all done, the value of this list is in everything else that happens along the way. I might even settle for having a family and nothing else. Owning a jet pack would be pretty sweet too. You know, just in case.

*Listen to the B.S Report interview with Ted Leonsis
*Look at Leonsis's list

Seriously, where's my prize?

As part of my never-ending quest to be comically behind the curve, I just finished Blink the other day. Criticism aside- I found that it lacked any kind of conclusion to explain why it's content matters in the first place- it got me thinking about first impressions. In this instance, first impressions in celebrity sightings. Being from New York and having spent time in LA, I've seen plenty of celebrities and most of them have been fleeting moments. Just long enough to get a first impression. In all of these cases I felt that these people were doing something that made perfect sense for them. Why am I talking about this now? And why did I tie Blink into it? Because I wanted to brag about finishing. I went to film school, let me have my moment!

Just the other day I crossed paths with two of New York's finest Jew-y celebrities within ten minutes of each other. Richard Kind of Spin City fame was walking his kid home from school. (P.S 87 if you're an Upper West Side person) As soon as I saw him in the act of fathering it seemed like the only thing Richard Kind could possibly be doing on a Tuesday. Doesn't this guy just look like a dad?  Five blocks later I spotted poker player Erik Seidel walking out of the 72nd St train station. If you've ever been on the Upper West Side, you know how perfect it was to see this millionaire in old plain slacks, New Balance shoes and a beat up brown sweater. He might as well have been Woody Allen. If you're wondering who the hell Erik Seidel is, he is best known for a movie that has been discussed by so many novice poker players it makes me not like Matt Damon. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not like Matt Damon? Hint: Douchebags with chinstrap beards can brew up a special blend of vitriol inside a man.

Sticking with the Jews in New York theme, my encounter with Lewis Black made me worry for the man's health. Dude was straight up talking to himself. I'm not talking about struggling to retain a thought. This guy was angry about something and he wanted himself to know about it. After telling my mom about this, she recounted her own Lewis Black story and said he was equally worked up when she saw him. She even had a brief conversation with him. She's a Jewish mom, she thinks she can be friends with everybody. I really didn't plan on writing about this many New York Jews when I started this post. Also, "New York Jews" looks a lot like "New York Jets." That's it, this post has gotten out of control.

One final note: I read a book! Yay me! Where's my prize?

Mail Time!

Dear Old woman who comes to the dog park without a dog,

You can't bring a laundry cart full of magazines and snacks and then get upset when the dogs show interest in said cart. People take their dogs to the dog run so they can run free and smell whatever the hell they want. I thought it was well understood that when you enter the dog run, you are relinquishing your right to be hypersensitive about dogs. If all you want to do is sit on a bench and read there are literally hundreds of benches throughout the park where you can do that without worrying about unleashed dogs smelling your precious AARP magazines. "But then I won't get to see dogs," you might retort. I assure you that the dogs in the park do not appear out of thin air. If you sit on one of the benches at the entrance to the park, I promise you will get your fix of dog sightings. If you want to actually interact with the dogs, might I suggest you leave the cart at home and bring a tennis ball. If you don't have the budget for a tennis ball I'm sure a stick will be just fine. Dogs aren't very smart. They will be easily fooled by anything dangling from your hand.

Sometimes you just sit there and read magazines. As I have already explained, there are more suitable options if you have no interest in dogs. It seems to me that going to the dog park only adds inconvenience to your day. Wouldn't it make more sense to go where the dogs won't interrupt your reading? Who goes to the dog park just to be bothered? Perhaps you just want to stand out. That's not just awkward, it's kinda sad. 

This idea that you just want attention kind of makes sense to me. After all, for somebody who doesn't own a dog, you seem to be overly concerned with enforcing the rules. I know the rules state nobody can bring more than four dogs, but please stop complaining about this. They shouldn't do it, but those guys are working and need to keep the dogs busy. They might bring too many dogs to the park, but you bring too little. Zero to be exact. And why do you always seem to pick on my boss and never that creepy bald guy with all the mean dogs? Is it because he looks like a neo-Nazi? Because he totally does. Still, you weird me out more than he does. And trust me, something is definitely off with that guy.

Hoping you find whatever it is you're looking for,

James

Not cool

Dear Soy Sauce Packets,

Really? REALLY? You've been doing the same spiel for my whole life. For almost twenty-six years now you have shown no improvement whatsoever. You make me feel like the true purpose of your existence is not to transport delicious salty goodness to Chinese food but rather to make competent, even intelligent, humans feel inadequate, incapable and downright useless. You even manage to intensify these feelings of futility by punishing rather than rewarding outbursts of rage that you yourself bring about. Next time I'm opening the duck sauce just to make you feel unappreciated.

Love,

James

I'm rich!

I never got the memo that taking my laptop to Starbucks was sooooooo 2005, so I still go there to write and/or feast on the blood of small businesses. I was writing a post there the other day when I decided it would be more fun to pretend I was a spy. I found myself sitting next to a good old fashioned crazy burnout. You know the type: every article of clothing made out of denim, shoes that very possibly lacked soles, hair past his shoulders, oddly well-groomed soul patch? It didn't take me very long to pick up on the crazy. It's easy when it's all god this, apocalypse that. Most of the time he was just mumbling to himself, obsessing over the massive stack of handwritten notes he either had for the last five years or had written entirely the night before. Every once in a while he would come out of his shell to proclaim his superiority or wealth to those around him. Despite sitting right next to this man, I risked myself for you, the readers, by recording his best quotes. All of this is exactly as it occurred over the course of an hour. All of this was spoken to himself unless noted otherwise.

I'm not like you people. You think I'm one of you?

God is good, you know?

How can we laugh when satan is on the podium?

I'm rich! 

I gotta buy some mittens, man.

(After speaking to me) We're rich!

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

I'm very rich.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed.

Very happy, very humble, very happy, very rich

You people provoke me to jealousy with your pride, with your arrogance. The holy ghost hates you people. But anyway lets get back to what happened to this guy.

I remember when I was at the churches, they had a man come in that was very sick. Very, very, very sick. I sent him away healed. 

(After a particularly awkward exchange with two girls in costume for a music video whom he convinced to sit down in the chairs across from us despite my very unsubtle head shaking.) Didn't I see you before? You're from Africa? No? That must have been some other girl.

(About his iPod) Cult awareness packet. 

(Counting on his fingers) Very, very, very, very, very RICH.

Not a problem. I'm very rich. I'm about 5 for 7. What are you?

Did you ever see a pastor with down syndrome bleed from the mouth? I did.

With these people it's like pulling teeth trying to ask them about the lord.

And that is how I learned that rich people love god almost as much as they love denim.

Citizen of the Year

Dear Cinema Enthusiast,

I just want to say I really admire what great lengths you go to in your effort to ensure you never go a moment without entertainment. Even on a crowded train at rush hour, complete with a young mother struggling to find a comfortable place to stand with her baby in a stroller, you bravely took up two seats so you could maximize your viewing experience. Not only did you spread your legs out- essentially taking up a good chunk of yet another seat- for maximum comfort, you exhibited true dedication by occupying an entire seat with your tiny book bag and DVD case. After all, if you're going to watch a movie on a portable DVD player the size of a small book, it really is essential to take every possible measure to protect your personal bubble. 

I hope you were not so engrossed by fast forwarding to the good scenes in Heat that you didn't notice my expressions of appreciation. It was truly an honor to be in your presence as I sat much closer to you than necessary, slowly creeping over into your space as you finally resorted to squeezing your legs together and ultimately crossing them over in a fashion I thought was only achievable by contortionists. I was especially impressed by how upset you were at me for invading your space. Only a true artist such as yourself could be this oblivious to the irony the situation. Even as we entered Manhattan and the train reached critical mass, you kept your focus firmly on watching your movie on a screen the size of a wallet. If only we could all be like you. You sir, are a hero to us all.

Sincerely,

Wish I was as classy as you

Maybe they're just jealous I wear sweatpants to work

As you may know, I've been working as a dog walker for the past month. This is generally the epitomy of awesome. I get paid to walk around and play with dogs. Yup, win all around. Perhaps the only downside to the job is the buildings I go to. A lot of these buildings are freshly opened condos for the newly married (and newly rich) young couples. This is in NO WAY a judgment of my clients. I even like the Republican clients with "Going Rogue" on the coffee table. (They are surprisingly nice and their dog is the man) What gets under my skin is the attitude in these buildings.  

First, I find it beyond awkward having a revolving door, um, revolved for me. The whole point of a revolving door is that it's easy to use. There are even two regular doors on either side if people really need doors held for them. But here these guys are, jump starting the convenience for me. Isn't that like getting carried up an escalator?

(Speaking of escalators)

Of course, the pandering and placating dies as soon as they remember I am but a lowly dog walker. Then I need a personal escort to the service elevator, lest I ruin the pompous ambience. Oh no! Heaven forbid a commoner take a regular elevator. This would ruin the fine oak interior of this state of the art upward propulsion device. A rube such an myself could never operate such an advanced machine. Best send the super up with me. That way you ensure i will get to my destination safely and wont muck up the hallways with my stench of the working class.

Okay, rant over, back to gloating about my job. I get paid to do this:

She's two pounds! I win? I win.

Failure

Listen ESPN, when I wake up at 8 am on Thanksgiving I expect to see Mike and Mike, not Doug and Marcellus. You think you can just throw any nerd and jock combination in there and we won't even notice? If that is your policy then you might as well cut costs and hire me. I'm like a nerd and a jock all rolled into one with approximately 28 personalities in between. You can even call it James and James. Doesn't that sound better than Doug and Marcellus? Happy Columbus Day.

A letter to a letter

Dear C, 

You are fuking useless. You're not fooling anybody by akting like K needs you to go first. K and S spread rumors about you behind your bak. That's what you get for thinking too highly of yourself, asshole.

Love,

25 useful letters

Brian St Pierre sounds like an expressionist painter, not a quarterback

Week 11 Picks:

oakland (+7) vs PITTSBURGH

houston (+7) vs NEW YORK JETS

CAROLINA (+13.5) vs baltimore

TENNESSEE (-7) vs washington

DALLAS (-6) vs detroit

MINNESOTA (+3) vs green bay

CINCINNATI (-4.5) vs buffalo

JACKSONVILLE (-2) vs cleveland

KANSAS CITY (-7) vs arizona

seattle (+12) vs NEW ORLEANS

atlanta (-3) vs ST LOUIS

tampa bay (+3) vs SAN FRANCISCO

indianapolis (+4) vs NEW ENGLAND

PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) vs new york giants

denver (+10) vs san diego

Upset Specials: Tampa Bay, Indianapolis, Oakland, Minnesota

Record for the year: 69-52-2

Upset Special Record: 18-22

Point/Counterpoint

To girls who wear tights in public like they are pants: Your low self-esteem is showing.
To dancers that do the same thing: Thank you.

No Way! Way!

As is prone to happen with any four year old computer, my Macbook and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch in our otherwise smooth relationship. My charger decided it was time to start failing, which is kind of an emergency when your battery already dies after ~45 minutes. I bought a new charger from a third party and order was restored for two wonderful weeks. Then my charger started failing intermittently again. Lots of expert jiggling, fidgeting and finagling would make my computer retain the charge again... as long as I sat perfectly still. Yeah, not exactly a solution. So I conceded defeat and went to the Genius Bar prepared to part with money I don't even really have.

If you've never been to the Genius Bar, it's about as geeky as you expect it. They guy behind the counter knows everything about your Mac and he is less than thrilled to explain it to you, his hundredth customer of the day. So there I was, sauntering up all cool and confident in my scarf, acting like I had half a clue what was wrong with my computer. The dude took one look at my bootleg charger and gave me a look of disdain I thought was reserved for Obama Hitler (What's the difference, really?). He quickly grabs my charger and says, "I'll be back in five minutes." I sit there contemplating whether I can afford a new computer or if I can pretend to be off the grid while I save up that sweet, sweet dog walking money. Then he comes back and hands me a charger. "This isn't in inventory, so you can just take it." Excuse me? You're giving me something... for free? In 2010? At a huge chain store? Did they just fire you?

I would say it's karma, but I really don't do that much good for the world, unless you count not going on a killing spree as a good deed. I just got straight up lucky. I thought that was only something that happened in movies. What's next, am I gonna bond with the quirky girl over liking an indie band a million people listen to but we pretend only we know about? No, that's fucking stupid. Now, in honor of the title of this post...

Time to wrap tourists in bubble wrap

Dear Naive Tourist,

That was adorable how you had your kid on your shoulders in the train. Better yet, it was a totally harmless way to entertain your child. As we all know, the MTA's claim to fame is the smooth handling of its subway cars. It is 100% safe to uneasily rest a child on your fat shoulders, leaving his head a mere six inches away from the roof. What could possibly go wrong? Thank you for showing us the kind of decision-making prowess that goes into successful parenting. You are an example to us all.

Sincerely,

Child Protective Services

Week 10 Picks

cincinnati (+7) vs Indianapolis

JACKSONVILLE (-1) vs houston

MIAMI (pick) vs tennessee

minnesota (-1) vs CHICAGO

detroit (+1.5) vs BUFFALO

CLEVELAND (+3) vs new york jets

carolina (+7) vs TAMPA BAY

kansas city (-1.5) vs DENVER

SAN FRANCISCO (-6) vs st louis

seattle (+4) vs ARIZONA

dallas (+14) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

new england (+4.5) vs PITTSBURGH

WASHINGTON (+3) vs philadelphia

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Detroit, Cleveland, New England, Washington

Yearly Record: 63-45-2

Upset Special record: 17-19

Stuff I've learned

Halfway through the NFL season, and league parity doesn't seem so significant anymore. One 0-8, two 1-7, and four 2-6 teams will kind of do that, and while no one team seems to be hogging the victories, there are still a swath of teams you just know won't make the playoffs, even those with 3+ victories.

For starters, Buffalo may be the best 0-8 team I've ever seen. To the contrary, Chicago is easily the worst of any team with 5 or more wins (they're 5-3), and I believe a lock to miss the playoffs entirely. The NFC north and west divisions will field a combined zero wild card teams, but I maintain gleeful hope that the NFC west winner will have a losing record and then make the super bowl. Nothing to confuse pundits like any kind of gray area.

Realistically, I believe the NFC wild card can only come down to New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, New Orleans, Tampa Bay, with Washington, Seattle, and probably in some peoples' minds Chicago as potential contenders, though 2 of the better teams mentioned will win their divisions. Seattle won't win enough road games, Washington isn't good enough to make the playoffs without sweeping the Giants, and Tampa Bay has a shaky defense. I think the Eagles, Packers, Saints, and 49ers will win their respective divisions, with Giants and Falcons as wild card playoff entrants.

As for the AFC, I've learned to take the points on Buffalo as much as feasible, but avoid picking them as an upset special for the rest of the season. Still, I feel good that they were my choice to finish with the over worst league record prior to the season starting. In the classic AFC vs NFC battle, it seems clear that tiers 1.5-whatever are better in the AFC. Tough to tell if the AFC south is the best division in football; I believe even without a consensus amazing top team, it still is. Even Jacksonville, beleagured and mocked consistently by many, is 4-4, and has a potent enough offense to warrant being the division bottom dwellar in the league.

Denver, on the other hand, is simply deplorable. Without two of their remaining games consisting of NFC west competition, they would surely finish 3-13. I still don't buy into the Browns as a legitimate force to be reckoned with, but they seem to have a great chance of further humiliating the Bengals by finishing decisively ahead of them, avoiding being the last place team in the AFC north. I can't really tell what the deal with Miami is: they don't seem very good, and they certainly don't seem like they're going to pull out many games decided in the 4th quarter. It seems like a case of beating bad teams and losing to good ones, and 9-7 isn't making it into the AFC playoffs this year.

I like the New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, and San Diego Chargers to win their respective divisions, with the Steelers and Patriots to get in as wild card teams. Hardly a leap I'm taking.

You're all wrong

Sandwiched between Brett Favre's dick picks, Vikings players anonymously hating Brad Childress, and this Cam Newton business, the biggest sports controversy of the last month somehow managed to be Kevin Garnett's comments towards Charlie Villanueva.

It's just so ridiculous that people are up in arms about this, that sports fans with no ties to either player and no knowledge of the incident get so up in arms, supposedly completely offended. To me, this shows one of the worst characteristics of human nature: that people act obnoxiously pious in cases where they are not actually personally offended, but rather because they either a) think they should be offended, b) are overly influenced by media over-saturation, c) seize any opportunity to hate on a guy vilified throughout his career despite no off the court issues, and/or d) can't pass up the chance to try and tell the world how a successful black guy should be acting.

I grew up being bad at basketball, playing against overly competitive kids, and let me tell you, this cancer comment is pretty vanilla for trash talk. If I were an NBA player, I might be out on the court telling Kobe I have one of his kids tied up in my basement, or yelling at Gilbert Arenas that he owes me money for that Tonk game from the other night. It's all about psychological distractions.

The most amusing thing to me is what Garnett said afterwards. I don't know what he said during the game, but he claimed the statement was that Villanueva is cancerous to his team and the league. It just seems hard to imagine, that in the heat of the moment amid the frenetic pace of professional basketball that Garnett would have the time and patience to articulate this statement, one which seems rather verbose for trash talk. Does Villanueva even have the time during the game to get offended at this? "Man I missed so many shots, can you believe Kevin Garnett thinks I'm detrimental to the Pistons and the NBA? That guy is totally in my head now. And at halftime he read me an insulting limerick and attacked me for my stance on unilateral trade agreements!"

What's even more hilarious is that Garnett din't apologize to Villanueva, or say something like "Yea it was a shallow joke in the heat of the moment, happens all the time." Rather he takes the time to explain the problems he sees in Villanueva, taking the line of a far more signficant, career-oriented insult, attacking characteristics Villanueva actually has under his control. It's like if I made fun of a guy with a stupid sweater to his face, then decided afterwards to write an op-ed for the whole country, explaining that the sweater isn't the issue, but rather a small symbol of the deluge of poor decisions and life mistakes that have befallen this dude, that he'd be better off not seen in society at all. But to everyone else, the cancer comment was more hurtful?

And here I am getting offended that breast cancer charities brand their products with slogans like "save the ta-tas". People should think more before having opinions; it's a lot more gratifying that way.

I Tried

I try to be a good citizen socialist. I try to do my small part to not be just a member of the deluded masses. I resist the urge to engage in the dozens of opportunities to propogate the culture of consumerism. The world is tyring to make me fail. 

I had simple goals: Coffee, some time out of the house, a comfortable seat to write in. I remembered the local coffee shop proudly claiming "Free WiFi" in its windows. Wonderful, I thought, I'll feel much better about spending $4 on coffee it it supports a small business owner. What did it get in return? A little card with a password for a whopping half hour of free internet, upon the completion of which I would have to pay for continued use of the "free" internet. Fuck you, world! That's what I think of your precious internet. Do you know what options you leave me with for internet in the outside world? Starbucks and fucking McDonalds. 

Where am I writing this from? A Starbucks, obviously. You know why? Seriously, you know why. I just told you. If you already forgot, stop reading this and go immediately to your doctor. You are Memento.

How many miles does it take to get a self-esteem badge?

The marathon was cool on Sunday. I actually ended up in the area where all the runners left the park after they finished and I looked in admiration as they recuperated in their space wraps. A lot of them were wearing medals, which is totally cool when you just finished a marathon and you're all decked out in running gear surrounded by other runners. You know when it's not cool? When you're wearing a suit on your way to work. I counted no less than twenty people yesterday walking around in street clothes rocking their marathon medals. That was literally so yesterday. Now go back to your regular life and stop acting so smug. I'd offer the customary "do you want a medal or something?" put down but you did get a medal. So chill the eff out and stop acting like you solved world hunger. Go back to trading stocks and neglecting your children. I'll acknowledge your athletic prowess when you run a supermarathon and live to talk about it.

Rob Rob Rob, Rob Birrrronassss

Yea, I went 12-0 last week, no big deal.

Picks for Week 9:

BUFFALO (+3) vs chicago

san diego (-3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs CAROLINA

arizona (+8) vs MINNESOTA

tampa bay (+10) vs ATLANTA

BALTIMORE (-5) vs miami

SEATTLE (+7.5) vs new york giants

OAKLAND (+1) vs kansas city

indianapolis (+3) vs PHIILADELPHIA

GREEN BAY (-7.5) vs dallas

CINCINNATI (+5) vs pittsburgh

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Indianapolis, Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Oakland, Cincinnati

Record so far this year: 56-43

Upset Special record: 16-15

Mommy I'm scared!

I'm not afraid of extremists. Extremists are, by definition, a very small part of the whole. They might occasionally stir the pot with a bombing or protest, but they don't make any significant differences. What do we do when the extremists become the norm? I get it, people are angry. We're all angry. The economy is in the shitter and there is no way it's going to change any time soon. I fail to see why this should add up to electing inexperienced, reactionary, naive, opportunistic people to some of our nation's highest offices. Today American citizens are going to elect people who preach about the importance of the Constitution but don't know the First Amendment. People who think the answer to our economic crisis is to stop paying teachers. People who would rather cut public services than scale back wars that spend ten times as much money. These are people too patient to let the president enact changes so they think the answer is to bring back policies of a president who they gave eight years to destroy any prosperity we had. Poor people are voting for people who only want to serve the rich. The top one percent doesn't need public schools or social security; the rest of the country does. People are seriously counting on padding the pockets of our wealthiest citizens in hopes that it will all trickle down. Yeah, because that wen't so well 25 years ago. It could trickle down, or it won't and the middle class will disappear. I hope I'm overreacting.

Snarf!

4:10pm

I just voted...by paper ballot! Take that.

Everyone seems to think it will be complete disaster for the Democrats. Most seats will, as they do every election, not change party hands. The problem is that it doesn't look like Democrats can pick up any senate seat represented by a Republican, unless craziness ensues from the 3 way whackiness in Alaska and Florida. Still, I think they can afford to lose 7, and maybe 8 seats (depending on how Joe Lieberman is feeling) and still be in power.

Nearly everyone sees Blanche Lincoln losing in Arkansas to her challenger. Somehow that would only give Republicans one of the 2 Arkansas senate seats. She's kinda whack anyway. I think Democrats are safe in California, Hawaii, Maryland, New York (x2), Oregon and Vermont (all seats they hold). The close ones are Washington, Colorado, Wisconsin, Nevada, Illinois, West Virginia and Pennsylvania.

Russ Feingold, the incumbent from Wisconsin, is awesome. He's the only senator to have voted against the Patriot Act at a time when everyone decided to freak out in another case of Republicans overtly pulling some grandiose big government shit. Much to my chagrin, he appears to be trailing.

Joe Sestak (D) seems to have pulled the PA race for Arlen Specter's old seat. Maybe he's not favored, but they always seem to say PA will be close, and then poof. I think Democrats retain PA, lose WI (nooooo!), and edge out dead even contests in WA and CO. Like I said earlier, I believe Angle will lose to Reid.

David Vitter is a total skeezbag, but will probably get re-elected in Louisiana, where views on married guys using escort services are probably not that frowned upon. And the only reason I care about that is because he's just a pious hypocrite. Also Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) will easily get re-elected too I'm sure, despite being maybe the single worst U.S. Senator.

Basically Democrats will lose Arkansas, North Dakota, Indiana, and Wisconsin. Thus, they need

3 out of the following 6 battleground states (and all others currently held) to retain power as is (2 independents caucus with Democrats):

Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Illinois, Colorado, Nevada, Washington

Final Prediction: Republicans pick up 6 Senate seats, not enough to take power.

They called it 'Ballot Bowl 2010'

1:30 pm

First polls don't close for a few hours. Nonstop coverage on TV, but I can't find out anything. These folks are getting vanilla; presumably because they don't want to look wrong on TV the one day a year there are actually results?

I never liked Haley Barbour. He paints himself as this salt of the earth, funny, amiable southern guy, kind of like Foghorn Leghorn, but he's been completely consumed by the worst of the Washington political mindset. I have a soft spot in my heart for Mississippi, my mom lived and taught there, it's a very democratic state in its own right and on the local level, and most importantly, I have a hard time believing this guy's policies serve the interests of a chunk of the very people who are voting for him. The difference actually, is that Foghorn Leghorn rarely left the farm. I mean he probably wore his fair share of suits, but didn't go off to town and become a lobbyist before coming back to the farm to try to run things.

Paying attention to polls I hate/don't care about is tough, so I don't really know what's going to happen tonight. I heard a few things, all of which sound stupid. I'll be throwing a few predictions in here now and again.

To start off, let's not kid ourselves and think California is going Republican. It has about 17 million house seats so I can't really speak on that. Orange County is probably staying red? Democrats lose seats maybe. Boxer is certainly winning, and I think Democrats take the gubernatorial race also.

Additionally, I think this election will put psychos on blast. For being irrelevant, that is. O'Donnell, Angle, and Fiorina will lose. Hoping Ehrlich doesn't win here in Maryland.

This Lions Game is Boring Already

Week 8 Picks:

SAN FRANCISCO (-2) vs denver

jacksonville (+6.5) vs DALLAS

DETROIT (-3) vs washington

green bay packers (+6.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

ST LOUIS (-3) vs carolina

miami (-1) vs cincinnati

buffalo(+7) vs KANSAS CITY

SAN DIEGO (-5) vs tennessee

tampa bay (+3) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (-3) vs seattle

NEW ORLEANS (-1) vs pittsburgh

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) vs houston

Upset Specials: Green Bay, Buffalo

Lock of the Week: New Orleans (-1)

Even the Timberwolves are undefeated today

I love October. The obnoxious children who fill the streets in the summer are back in prison, I get to wear jackets without sweating and the sweet stretch of alcohol-friendly holidays is on the horizon. Yes, October is that wonderful time of year where the tedium of heat waves and baseball is replaced by the excitement of  OMG THE NBA STARTS TODAY! Miami Thrice, Kobe is old, Durant is incredible, the Knicks are legitimate, so are the Bulls... happiness overload! Here are some of the thoughts running through my head as we count down to tip off...

It doesn't matter how many injuries the Heat have as long as they are healthy for the playoffs. Let Mike Miller miss three months. This team could win 50 games playing 5 on 4. However...

Miami is not going to win the Eastern Conference. Despite their abundance of top 15 talent, the Celtics and Magic are excellent teams that are built to beat Miami. If we are to believe the hype, Dwight Howard spent his summer refining his offensive game with Hakeem Olajuwon. He has the potential to become the go to guy on offense, which makes his incredibly scary and a serious contender for MVP...

Which is going to won by Kevin Durant anyway. I actually watched some of the World Championships this summer. If I didn't know how old Durant is, I would probably guess between 24 and 28. He's 22 years old. 22! He's barely done with puberty. This guy is a natural leader and has a work ethic comparable to...

Kobe Bryant, who is still the best player in the world. He's older, he's hurt, he will rip your fucking heart out. The only thing on Kobe's mind is the number 6, as in 6 time champion. He is already in the discussion for best of all time. What will we say if he ties Jordan? The Lakers are still a stacked team and they made great acquisitions in Steve Blake and Matt Barnes in the summer. Blake gives them much needed depth at point guard while Barnes is like Ron Artest 2.0; two maniacs to get under opponents' skin and elite defenders. Speaking of defense...

Knicks still don't play no defense. But we have Amare! And we very possibly will get Carmelo. In fact, it looks like the only thing that could keep Melo out of a Knicks jersey is an increasingly unlikely trade to New Jersey. It might not happen until next year, but Melo is coming to The Garden baby! Wishful thinking...

No, wishful thinking is saying the Knicks will get Melo and Chris Paul, which they totally will. Miami can have its big three. New York's big three is going to have a point guard. No defense, but point guards! Hooray?

Anywho, might as well post some predictions before the season officially starts.

Biggest drop off (besides Cleveland): Suns, Bobcats
New playoff teams: Knicks, Clippers, Grizzlies
Dangerous contenders: Bulls, Spurs

West Finals: Lakers over Thunder
East Finals: Celtics over Magic
(That means Kobe vs. Shaq people)

NBA Finals: Lakers over Celtics

A post about cats

Sike! It's a real life equation.

2 kittehs + 1 box = The best game of musical chairs ever

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

Ah, the fat comedian. Is there anything more lovable the world today? Duh, puppies. Also cheeseburgers. And jet packs. But fat comedians are still pretty cool. However, I find it unfair to simply group every large comedian into the same category. "Fluffy" Gabriel Iglesias has made significant strides in the field of obesity definitions. I would like to take the opportunity to expand on his revelations and present a new scale of the measurement: Levels of Fat in Comedy. This study hopes to correctly define the characteristics of the various stages to be outlined herein. The scale will progress from the once-skinny to those resigned to their fates. 

Levels of Fat in Comedy 

Middle-aged: Like so many great men to come before them, middle-aged comedians are subject to the perils of aging. This stage of fat is reserved for the guys who were skinny their whole lives, took it for granted, and are now stuck with a saggy gut and a pudgy face for the next 40-50 years. The patron saint of this group is Adam Sandler. Not only does he literally embody the characteristics of this level, his recent body of work reflects the attitude of it's inhabitants: tired, jaded, just plain too old for this shit. With all the vigor of their youth stripped from them forever, comedians in this category have nothing left but to half-heartedly reach for what they once had. Dane Cook will be there in no time.

Note: Certain comedians are fit enough to stay away from this and transition into the old and crazy brand of comedy. Take a look at Chris Rock to see what I'm talking about.

Second note: George Carlin was always skinny but you can't pigeonhole him as old and crazy. He was crazy from birth.

Bloated: Think John Belushi. He was never skinny, but it's not like the guy was tipping scales either. He was just kind of... round and robust. This is the sweet spot of comedy obesity. You're fat enough to make fun of, but not to the point where it's all you can do with yourself. However, this does require you to have some level of comedic talent. If you find yourself bloated and unfunny, your only choice is to be Kevin James. But if you are fortunate enough to be bloated and funny, your idol is Zach Galifianakis.

Big guy: We all know guys like this. At rest, they appear to be your everyday run of the mill fat guy But once they move, you find yourself amazed by the ease and grace with which these men are able to move. We like to describe this by saying "he really carries his weight well."  Cedric the Entertainer has that "just a big guy" thing going for him. It's just the way he is, man. I bet he even dances well. You know, because he carries himself well.

The first thing people notice: Sadly, this is where Chris Farley ultimately ended up. He was a lot more than a fat comedian, but he ballooned to the point where it had to be acknowledged. At the peak of his powers, his weight was an asset in his bag of tricks. By the end it limited him to being a parody of himself (and that only works in you're French).  When comedians hit this point, there's no turning back. It has to be acknowledged at some point in their act. Even if they lose the weight, they will most likely end up discussing weight loss in their new act. A comedian this fat not talking about being fat would be like a black comedian not talking about race relation or a female comedian not talking about feminism. Stop acting so indignant. It's not racist/sexist if it's true.

Did I miss a level? Do you hate the whole thing? Comment with ideas and criticism. 

What if Every Team Had a MIke Williams, or week of the field goal spread

Predictions for Week 7:

(Pick on left, home team in caps)

MIAMI (+3) vs pittsburgh

ATLANTA (-3.5) vs cincinnati

jacksonville (+9) vs KANSAS CITY

philadelphia (+3) vs TENNESSEE

washington (+3) vs CHICAGO

NEW ORLEANS (-13) vs cleveland

buffalo (+14) vs BALTIMORE

san francisco (-3) vs CAROLINA

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs st louis

SEATTLE (-7) vs arizona

SAN DIEGO (-3) vs new england

oakland (+7) vs DENVER

minnesota (+3) vs GREEN BAY

new york giants (+3.5) vs DALLAS

Locks of the Week: SF (-3), TB (-3)

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Miami, Philadelphia, Washington, Oakland, Minnesota, NYG

Record so far this year: 37-36

Upset Special Record: 12-11

Bumgarner, Hedgecock, Wisconsin...What's the link?

My predictions for week 6:

san diego (-8) vs ST LOUIS

kansas city (+4.5) vs HOUSTON

baltimore (+3) vs NEW ENGLAND

new orleans (-5) vs TAMPA BAY

PHILADELPHIA (-3) vs atlanta

detroit (+10) vs NYG

CHICAGO (-6) vs seattle

GREEN BAY (-3.5) vs miami

cleveland (+14.5) vs PITTSBURGH

DENVER (+3.5) vs nyj

oakland (+7) vs SAN FRANCISCO

MINNESOTA (-1.5) vs dallas

indianapolis (-3.5) vs WASHINGTON

JACKSONVILLE (+3) vs tennessee

Upset special: Baltimore, Denver, Jacksonville, Kansas City

Lock of the week: Indianapolis (-3.5)

Record so far: 31-28

Upset special record: 12-7

What's on my mind this Friday night at home?

The Yankees need to finish getting spanked so I can watch more Mad Men. I need my fix!

TMIFriday

The TMI stands for TMI. I went for a run without underwear today, and it was glorious. I plan to do all my runs like this from now on. If anything, it's a great excuse to call myself a commando runner. 

Damn skippy

Before getting into my sexist, America-hating rant, a quick New York thought: The best sound in a stopped train is the announcement of a delay for "train traffic up ahead of us." The train might have been idle for a solid minute, but rest assured that once the delay has been officially acknowledged, that train will keep rollin' along.

Much is being made of Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walking off the set of The View after Bill O'Reilly predictably hated on Muslims. I'm not here to argue the merits of his arguments as Bill O'Reilly is a disgrace. In no way do I support a single thing that comes out of his mouth. And the great thing is I don't have to entertain his extremism. I don't have a TV show that I invited him to. If I did, I would have been prepared to fight his stances and not storm off like a child. How do you walk off your own show? If you can't debate with the man, don't engage him. Did they think he was going to show up and talk about cupcakes and vaginas? 


On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, South Park officially took the "Too soon?" question and literally blew it up. With a plane. Flown by Al Qaeda. On American soil. Seriously. It's been nine plus year since 9/11, and I get the feeling that the guys at South Park have finally had enough of seeing it treated used exploited as a shield of sacredness and an emotional trump card in American politics. So they took it into their own hands and said "Get over it." I am hardly doing it justice, so check out on South Park Studios so you can see I'm not insane for endorsing this. In my mind, it was the perfect way to cross the line from the very best in the line crossing game. 


I am criminally behind on Mad Men, but that won't last long. I only started watching a few months ago with my friend. We got about a season and a half though before life got in the way. I've been putting it off because I've seen enough to know that Mad Men is like crack on steroids that have been laced with crack. That's like crack squared, folks. I tested a video to see if I would have a reliable source when I got back into it. I didn't even make it though the opening credits. Moratorium over, next week of my life planned out. Time to whip out the whiskey and suits. Oh, I'm too poor for suits. Guess I'll have to compensate with extra whiskey. Fuck yeah!

Turns out...

According to a smart person I met the other day, the reason your body sometimes twitches when you're falling asleep is because it thinks you might be dying. If your body doesn't know why your heart rate is slowing down it is prone to jerk you awake before your heart stops for good. To this I say, aha! For years my friends, family, enemies, and neutral Swiss acquaintances have teased me for being a hypochondriac, a drama queen, and other unflattering names. What my friends don't know is that I twitch before I fall asleep almost every night. So, you see, I am not a hypochondriac for the sake of being melodramatic. Hypochondria is ingrained deep in my nervous system. My body is naturally inclined to think it's dying every night. I might be a hypochondriac, but it was never a choice for me. So, my two or three friends reading this, save your teasing for Woody Allen. 

Matt>Tim>>>>>Elizabeth Hasselbeck

My choices for Week 5:

(picks on left, home team in caps)

denver (+8) vs BALTIMORE

BUFFALO (-1.5) vs jacksonville

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) vs kansas city

st louis (+3) vs DETROIT

atlanta (-3) vs CLEVELAND

tampa bay (+7) vs CINCINNATI

chicago (+3) vs CAROLINA

green bay (-3) vs WASHINGTON

new york giants (+3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (+7) vs san diego

tennessee (+7) vs DALLAS

philadelphia (+3.5) vs SAN FRANCISCO

minnesota (+4.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): St. Louis, Chicago, NYG, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Minnesota

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis (-7.5) to roll the soon-to-be-former last undefeated team, KC

Shoe in of the Week: Minnesota (+4.5)

Least likely to get televised nationally: Tie: St Louis vs Detroit/Buffalo vs Jacksonville

Record so far: 23-22

Upset Special record: 8-5

In a perfect world...

Those of you familiar with Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell might have heard about her past declaration that big, bad China is getting ready to take over (God Bless?) America. Shocking! I'd be marginally concerned if I didn't possess the ability to think for more than half a second. Aside from the fact that this claim makes exactly zero sense, the problem with O'Donnell's claim is that it's total bullshit. If Christine O'Donnell were in fact a spy, she did the one thing a spy is never supposed to do: She blew her cover. Has she learned nothing from James Bond? Oh, I suppose she doesn't see movies since they are products of the liberal heathen wasteland we call Hollywood. Point is, if Christine O'Donnell did in fact have knowledge of an imminent Chinese invasion, she would never reveal that information.

Christine O'Donnell is straight up lying. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there gullible enough to take her words as fact. She goes on TV, tells them China is trying to steal our freedom, and in come the fear votes. I'm not afraid of China. I'm afraid of shortsighted extremists finagling their way into Congress. I'm afraid of the fact that I live in a country where the people who let the entitled son of an oilman lead the country into a crippling depression for eight years are the same people who are now calling our president a failure after 18 months of cleaning up his predecessor's mess. I guess it never occurred to these "pioneers of freedom" that the economic recovery has been so slow to pick up because the very party they support is more concerned with stalling progress with filibusters in order to paint the majority as the enemy in upcoming elections than, you know, actually fixing the economy.

This isn't some idealistic call for honesty and transparency from politicians. This is America, after all. However, politicians are, in theory, the people we trust to govern us and make decisions on our behalf. Shouldn't there be some  measure of accountability for those potential lawmakers who outright lie to our faces? I'm not talking about misguided people who buy into their own bullshit. We are all entitled to our own opinion, however wrong it may be. But it's a bit too much for me to stomach when people like Christine O'Donnell go on TV and tell blatant lies.. We can't make every person in America scrutinize the politicians, but maybe our government should do that. I find it fundamentally wrong that a candidate can say whatever she pleases just to win votes. It's not just dishonest, it's dangerous, and it should have no place in politics. Unfortunately, it does, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Lying under oath in court is a felny. So why do we allow candidates to lie on the podium? Why not put a rule in place to prevent this kind of behavior? What I'm proposing is that if a candidate tells a complete lie during a campaign, that candidate should be disqualified. Nothing extreme like jail or public flogging, just removal from the ballot. In theory, this should be universally accepted. You'd be hard pressed to find a politician who agrees lying should be allowed. It will never happen, but maybe it should. Despite what some tea baggers would have you believe, politics is not a popularity contest. This is a little more serious than running for class president. We're not competing for Facebook friends or Dancing with the Stars appearances. Do I have a problem with reducing American politics to a petty feud? You betcha! 

Who Are You People?

Let me first say, I am no Don Draper. Okay, bad example, nobody is that cool in real life.* What I'm getting at is I am not an advertising guru. I don't know the first thing about research figures or profit margins. (Really touting myself, aren't I?) However, I do consider myself to be a fairly regular person. A little eccentric, but I have my feet on the ground enough to say I identify with the viewing public. Or so I think...

If I have anything in common with the average American, then television commercials are a massive waste of money. Like any other man with a sense of humor, I love the Old Spice guy. I giddily clap my hands like a teenager when that miniature giraffe shows up in the DirecTV commercial. (This one) Does this mean I'm going to sign up for DirecTV and order Old Spice by the crate? I'd rather buy something I need. How about some socks? Everybody needs socks. Yeah, I'll stick with the socks.

I just can't believe that consumers are so impressionable that a commercial is enough to sell them on a product. Even for something as harmless as deodorant or candy bars, I reject the notion that people are so gullible that an entertaining advertisement will cause them to run to the store and turn on the tunnel vision, opting to waive their right to choose what they buy. Symbol for the everyman he may be, it is inconceivable to me that Homer Simpson is an accurate depiction of the effectiveness of advertising. We can't all go to clown college just because the billboard tells us to do it.

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

Who are these people who do what the TV tells them to do? Perhaps this is the kind of disconnect one experiences when you spend your whole life in "modern" areas. That's not enough to make me move to Arkansas. I'll run the risk of being called an arrogant intellectual. Anything other than being associated with the Heartland Tea Party. Oops, I shouldn't have given them a party name that makes sense. As long as it doesn't make it to a commercial.

*George Clooney is the obvious exception to the rule. If you disagree, feel free to stop reading my blog. Your kind ain't welcome around these parts.

Must. Restore. Balance.

Earlier while I was doing laundry, I started thinking of the movie Love Actually. As if these weren't effeminate enough, it naturally led me to start humming "All I Want For Christmas Is You" to myself. Such an alarming testosterone deficiency can only mean one thing: Time to overcompensate! 

Roar! Football! It's Saturday, which means I will spend my day hating on college football for not being NFL football. I'll leave the betting picks to the savvy, suave, sexy, other "s" adjective Edmund. He's got that information thing covered, which means it's up to me to come up with the half-baked opinions around here.

Jets at Bills: Wow, don't care, don't care, don't care. The Bills just cut a quarterback from Stanford for a quarterback from Harvard. And they wonder why they suck.

San Francisco at Atlanta: Oh man, the 49ers are about to start the season 0-4 and they could still easily win their division. Will the Seahawks keep the pressure on by continuing their ambitious run at an 8-8 record? Will Mike Singletary continue to blame his players for not being winners or having sufficient heart? I wonder if the 49ers spend most of their practice time discussing their lack of go-get-em-ness instead of, you know, learning how to play football.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Shucks, I was one game away on the early start times from being able to sleep in. (Sleeping in past 1 PM is preposterous, you say? You sir must have a job.) Charlie Batch is about the get reminded why he isn't a starter in the NFL. I like the Ravens to win with or without an offensive touchdown.

Redskins at Eagles: As if the return of Donovan McNabb wasn't enough to wet your whistle, Michael Vick is good at football again. Monster he may be, douchebag he may be, the dude is entertainment on cleats. I hate to say it, but I love watching this guy play football. He's made the Eagles relevant contenders in a season they literally gave up on before it even started.

Cardinals at Chargers: It's the battle for the title of least (most?) mediocre team in the west! The only thing more underwhelming that this match up would be a Dan Quayle vs. Michael Dukakis presidential election.

Bears at Giants: The Giants are one more bad loss away from officially being a team in turmoil. Osi Umenyiora and Keith Bullock are questionable for Sunday. Matthias Kiwanuka might be out for the season. Tiki "The Selfish Piece of Shit Quitter" Barber is taking shots at Tom Coughlin. When did the Giants become the Cowboys? Just win the fucking game. Pretty please? Kthanksgoodluck.

In this house, we respect the laws of thermodynamics!

denver (+7) vs TENNESSEE

baltimore (+2.5) vs PITTSBURGH

CLEVELAND (+3) vs cincinnati

GREEN BAY (-14) vs detroit

NEW ORLEANS (-14) vs carolina

ATLANTA (-7) vs san francisco

seattle (-2) vs ST LOUIS

BUFFALO (+6) vs new york jets

JACKSONVILLE (+8) vs indianapolis

houston (-3.5) vs OAKLAND

SAN DIEGO (-9) vs arizona

PHILADELPHIA (-6) vs washington

chicago (+3.5) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

MIAMI (+1) vs new england

Upset specials (underdog to straight win): Denver, Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Miami

Lock of the Week: Atl (-7), Seattle (-2)

Record for the year: 17-14 overall, 5-3 for upset picks

Dear God Make it Stop! (Update: Thanks God!)

Why is it that certain all TV channels insist on making commercials twice as loud as the program? You can't tell me Monday Night Football is quieter than this commercial for AARP life insurance. If the entertainment industry must jam advertising down my throat, I don't it's too much to ask for a little subtlety.

What about a shrill voice over is supposed to make me start thinking Bud Light is suddenly good? Loud commercials don't make me buy products, good commercials make me buy products. The only thing loud commercials achieve is putting my eardrums though anguish.

This gem came up when I searched "Anguish" on Google Images. Credit the artist at shaav.com for his poor grasp of the English language, pencils, or possibly both.

That's as far as I got before this thrilling development came along. This landmark event proves that the government is finally doing something right. Is it really that far fetched to imagine national health care and the end of undeserved tax breaks for the very people who helped destroy the economy is just around the corner? Yes, yes it is. 

Channing Frye, Charlie Frye, Charlie Batch

Week 3 kicks off with a plethora of good 1-1 teams, supposedly sketchy 2-0 teams, a couple very bad 2-0 teams, and a whole slew of deserving 0-2 fucks (Cowboys, Lions, Rams, Browns, Bills), perennial losers for 9-17 years. A season involving Dallas going 2-14 or worse, the Patriots & Jets missing the playoffs, and the Vikings doing so poorly that Brett Favre smashes through one of his mansion's rooms of mirrors and Wranglers would be just delightful. If Dallas and Minnesota went 0-16, the Seahawks and Jaguars could play in the Super Obsolete Bowl and I wouldn't even care.

My week 3 predictions (home team in caps, my pick in the left column):

NYG (-3) vs tennessee

buffalo (+14.5) vs NEW ENGLAND

cleveland (+12) vs BALTIMORE

pittsburgh (-3) vs TAMPA BAY

CAROLINA (+3.5) vs Cincinnati

NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) vs atlanta

KANSAS CITY (+3) vs san francisco

detroit (+12.5) vs MINNESOTA

HOUSTON (-3) vs dallas

ST LOUIS (+5) vs washington

philadelphia (-3) vs JACKSONVILLE

indianapolis (-6) vs DENVER

san diego (-4.5) vs SEATTLE

oakland (+5.5) vs ARIZONA

MIAMI (-2.5) vs new york jets

green bay (-3) vs CHICAGO

Lock of the Week: Miami getting 2.5 at home vs the Jets.

Upset special (underdog to straight win): Kansas City, Oakland, Carolina

Record so far this year: 9-6 for regular picks, 4-1 for upset specials

Sticking to my guns like the Japanese soldiers at Iwo Jima. Too soon?

Ah, the sweet rumblings of the early NFL season. Preseason hype has become Super Bowl hype, former players turned pundits compete to be the first one to exhaust "I've got a feeling" as the focal point of an expert prediction, and fat guys everywhere rejoice over the opportunity to once again go shirtless in public. Otherwise useless cities like Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Green Bay can come out of their cultural hibernations to petition for relevance. Most importantly, Brett Favre stories are put on hold and he is forced to actually play football. Turns out grandfathers aren't so good at sports.

Take away the Giants' embarrassing loss on national tv, I really couldn't ask for more at this stage of the season. It feels like America's waistband has barely had time to expand and the Cowboys and Vikings are already panicking. (I don't hate the Vikings. I always thought the purple and gold thing was cool. But my disdain for Old Man Favre is so passionate I would root against a team in the Puppy Bowl if the Puppy Bowl had teams.) Nothing makes a contender sweat like starting 0-2. And nothing throws a team into disarray like hitting the panic button. So here's praying we see major overhauls on both these teams before they get a chance to figure things out.

It seems like teams all over the league have some kinks to work out. After enduring "will they or won't they?" undefeated teams for so many years, it's refreshing to see more parity around the league so far. The Colts decided to bypass their annual 12-0 run in favor of a more devious plan of starting with a loss, then winning 15 in a row as a giant "EFF YOU!" to the '72 Dolphins. Very sneaky, Peyton, you old dog you. Although nothing will come of it, the Bears, Chiefs and lowly Bucs are undefeated at this moment. Even the Lions are getting in on the whole equal playing field. Granted, they're still losing, but it's totally close in the fourth quarter. Good for you, Detroit!

We're two weeks deep and it still feels like we know nothing. What I'm saying is I'm totally justifying making predictions after the season already started. You get these kinds of luxuries when you work for free.

AFC South

How about them Texans? They still have to wait for Peyton Manning to retire before they win the division, but they are clearly a team on the rise.  It just goes to show you that slowly building your team through the draft and prudent salary cap management is a completely valid approach, so long as you're in a small market that doesn't demand two championships per season. 

Colts

Texans (Wild Card)

Titans

Jaguars

AFC West

The Chargers keep declining, the rest of the division keeps improving while still managing to post losing records. The Chiefs will fall to earth soon enough and order will be restored. Another totally unsurprising playoff loss for the Chargers awaits.

Chargers

Chiefs

Broncos

Raiders

AFC North

The hype train rolls on! Oooooh, the Ravens have recievers now! Is Joe Flacco still their quarteback? Awesome, have fun losing to the Colts when you realize the whole scoring points thing is kind of important. Ditto for the Steelers. Unless they trade for Peyton Manning, their isn't a quarterback in the world who can make that offense look good. Hines Ward hasn't been a true number one receiver since, well, ever. 

Ravens

Steelers (Wild Card)

Bengals 

Browns 

AFC East

I really love Rex Ryan's enthusiasm for snacks. I don't know if I can match his enthusiasm for the Jets. I still have no idea what to make of this team. Mark Sanchez is obviously not there yet. They could win a weaker division, but the Dolphins are quietly good and the Patriots have the talent to drop 50 on any given night. The Bills are unfathomably, inexplicably, mind-bendingly awful.

Dolphins

Patriots

Jets

Bills 

NFC South

The Saints are still awesome. Drew Brees is still running for Jesus. Seriously, doesn't he seem like the nicest guy in the world? And that picture of his kid with the huge headphones at the Super Bowl, awwwww. I just want to hang out with Drew Brees and talk about doing good things for underprivileged people. I mean, listen to him talk about the good things he does for underprivileged people and feel bad about being such a selfish prick. 

Saints

Falcons (Wild Card)

Bucs

Panthers

NFC West

As Charles Barkley might say, this division is turr-bull, just turr-bull. The starting quarterbacks in this division: Alex Smith. Derek Anderson, Sam Bradford, and the corpse of Matt Hasselbeck. Here's a groundbreaking thought: There will not be a Wild Card team coming out of this division.

49ers by default

Seahawks

Cardinals

Rams

NFC North

It is so sweet to watch Brett Favre fail. Is this petty? Who cares? I hope the Vikings go 0-16 and Favre throws 36 interceptions. I like the Bears right now. Jay Cutler has always been talented. If this Mike Martz experiment works out, they might even make the playoffs. Eh, maybe they should just settle for not embarrassing themselves.

Packers 

Bears (Wild Card)

Vikings

Lions

NFC East

The NFC Beast is looking more like the NFC medium sized dog. You don't want to piss if off, but it's not like your life depends on it or anything. Speaking of dogs, the Eagles found a way to make a mess out of Michael Vick on the football field. Since they have no offensive line whatsoever, I say enjoy it while it lasts. He probably can't sustain this level of play but it's fun as hell to watch. Almost as fun as watching Kevin Kolb get sacked four times a game when he eventually gets a sympathy start.  The Redskins have all the looks of a better but not ready team and the Cowboys are in glorious meltdown mode. That leaves my beloved Giants to swoop in and earn the right to lose in the first round of the playoffs. It's possible the Giants get it together and make a run, I just have my doubts. They have no depth behind a very old offensive line whose age is starting to show and while the defense is improved, the linebacking corps might be the worst in the league. It doesn't matter how many times you get to the quarterback if two guys get open every play. Call me cautiously pessimistic.

Giants

Redskins

Eagles

Cowboys

AFC Wild Card

Steelers over Dolphins, Texans over Chargers 

(Yup, I picked both Wild Card teams, sue me.)

NFC Wild Card

Giants over Bears, Falcons over 49ers

AFC Divisonal

Colts over Steelers, Texans over Ravens

NFC Divisonal

Packers over Falcons, Saints over Giants

Conference Championships

Colts over Texans, Packers over Saints

Colts win the Super Bowl! All hail Peyton Manning!

And they tried to make us watch the Little League World Series...

Football, Football, Football!

This season I will make picks for each complete slate of games week by week, all the while keeping a record of my successes and failures, in the vein of a guy who gets paid to do it. I'm not promising to be as savvy as John Clayton, only to be less swarmy looking than him by the end of the year.

Week 1:

(Home team in caps, duh---and my pick for each game will be in the left column)

NYG (-7) vs Carolina

Miami (-3) vs BUFFALO

Atlanta (-1.5) vs PITTSBURGH

Detroit (+6.5) vs CHICAGO

NEW ENGLAND (-5) vs Cincinnati

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs Cleveland

Indianapolis (-2.5) vs HOUSTON

Oakland (+6.5) vs Tennessee

PHILADELPHIA (+3) vs Green Bay

SEATTLE (+3) vs San Francisco

ST LOUIS (+3.5) vs Arizona

WASHINGTON (+3.5) vs Dallas

Baltimore (+2) vs NYJ

KANSAS CITY (+5) vs San Diego

Push: JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs Denver

Upset picks of the week (underdog to straight win):

Seattle, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Kansas City

I-95 corridor bias notwithstanding, it'll happen.

Biggest blowout of the week: NYG over Carolina, followed by Miami over Buffalo

Stevie Ray might call me a Fruit Booty

My girlfriend likes to boast about only eating meat once or twice a week. I fail to see the accomplishment in that. The only reason I don't always eat meat is because a lot of meat dishes are fattening and I'm vain. Oh, I'm also poor. I'm not extremely poor, just plain old lower middle class poor. If I was poor poor, I'd eat more "meat" because most of my meals would consist of spam and other mystery meats. Fortunately, I can afford chicken. But even chicken is like a bajillion times more expensive than celery. So I've learned to adapt and be healthy. Since I can't eat bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, here are some vegetables I've learned to appreciate. Onions are left off the list because everything has onions.

Spinach: It makes for a pretty good omelette and eggs are dead animals if you believe in god. Just sayin.

Beets: Is this technically a vegetable? I don't care. Beets are delicious and get bonus points for not being green. I also like making beet hummus when I have access to a blender. Aaaaand my testicles just fell out. Let me squeeze those bad boys back in there. Moving on...

Eggplant/Zucchini/That yellow squash I'm pretty sure they just call yellow squash: I make lots of stir fries because they're easy and spicy asian sauces are the tits. I have yet to make a stir fry that suffered from adding squash.

Brussels Sprouts: These little guys get a worse rap than broccoli, which I also enjoy. I like looking sophisticated when I cook these properly, like that time one and only time I cooked brussels sprouts properly.

Okra: It's kinda smily, so people fry it. Mmm, thin excuses to fry things.

If you're wondering where corn is, it's in Nebraska.