Also...

Thanks to Wicked Chops Poker for taking notice of us and commenting. You guys have been a great source of entertainment to me for some time. I tried to kiss up to you in an email but your server would have none of it. So, if you're reading this right now, consider this my shameless attempt and getting a link on your site. If you guys are feeling generous, I promise more posts, including a Retroactive Babe of the Week for at least three months. When I say retroactive, keep in mind that I am only 24. So it will be more along the lines of Anna Kournikova and other women I ogled in Maxim during junior high than Racquel Welch and whoever the hell else was considered a sex symbol in the 60s. That being said, how can I not do this without eventually getting to Marilyn Monroe? Certain beauty never goes out of style.

A sneak preview of sorts

As some (most?) of you know, I'm a week and a half away from skipping town for good and driving across the country to LA. This means many things for my life which I won't bother getting into just yet. As for this blog, it means I might keep a travel journal for a later post, I might come out of my trip with a renewed passion for blogging, or I might fall off the face of the earth for an unknown amount of time. The possibilities are endless! In light of my very busy schedule prior to leaving town, here is a scatterbrained post with a few random thoughts and some teasers for posts I may or may not get to before I leave.

- I'm going to do my best to say something about the Oscars before the academy breaks my heart and doesn't honor Mickey Rourke. I've had almost a month to brace myself for disappointment and I still might cry when he gets robbed in favor of Sean Penn. Penn was incredible in Milk, but Mickey Rourke is nothing short of perfect in The Wrestler. Other than that, Slumdog BLAH BLAH I hate Penelope Cruz so much BLAH BLAH Benjamin Button is Forrest Gump 2 and I still love it BLAH BLAH Still mad about The Dark Knight getting snubbed BLAH BLAH Wall-E melts my heart BLAH BLAH Hugh Jackman will suck.

- Chris Brown needs to go to jail, right?

- I was already disturbed by the octuplet lady simply for getting pregnant when she already had six kids. Of course, I didn't know she'd done this all via in vitro fertilization. I wish more people could have seen my reaction when I learned this. It was one of those pure moments where if I was a cartoon, my head would have exploded.

- Why am I not utilizing the brilliance that is Google and it's many applications? Why aren't we all doing it? I will consider myself a failure until I remedy this.

- What's that cliche? Great minds think alike? Then it should not be considered a coincidence that my rekindled love with Monthy Python and the Holy Grail* coincides with Gatorade, excuse me, G's new ad campaign. Check it out:
http://www.missiong.com/show/Quest-for-G
I am in love with this. Even if you're not too keen on Monty Python (shame on you!) it's still wildly entertaining. Some genius in the Gatorade... er, G offices had the courage to ask Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to play the Enchanter. And it has Jabbawockeez! If you don't know these guys, all you need to know about their brilliance is Shaq danced with them at the All Star Game and shall now be called the Big Jabbawockee. I Heart U Shaq.

*Is this the funniest movie ever made? I've been thinking about this for a solid day and I can't think of anything better. Blazing Saddles is the only one I'd consider debating about right now. If any of you people reply to this with some bullshit like Wedding Crashers, I'm putting you on friendship probation. I'm talking to you, TBK!

- Don't think I forgot about my Superbowl MVP prediction. It took me a whole season, but I finally nailed one. Congrats to the Steelers, I guess.

Update: Less than a week after declaring Irish people are genetically inclined to overusing the word "brilliant," I managed to use "brilliance" twice in this post without even noticing. I guess I can live with being a living, breathing stereotype if it means my arbitrary declarations have some truth to them.

*

I should note that I did not win the Razz FTOPS event, nor was my earlier post intended to imply that I did anything meaningful at all in poker today, or that I am good at cards. I will not play said FTOPS event, as it seems like a sure fire way to ruin a Friday night.

I'd sooner watch a King of Queens marathon.

...

Maybe not King of Queens, but definitely a City Guys marathon. 

Don't even try to pretend like you don't remember TNBC.

It happened (Razz)

I won a razz tournament. Holy crap. 

Yes, the competition was incredibly soft, but being that I don't live in Vegas, that's most razz tournaments for me. I'm a little bit in shock, more so than if it was horse or stud8. 

Granted it was only an online event, but since playing razz is usually the worst experience on Earth, I feel pretty decent. I had a maniac stealer to my right all day, but that actually worked out to my advantage, and apparently no one else in the tournament ever put him on a steal. The heads up portion was against him, but somehow he was kind enough  not to raise me every time I had the bring in, even though he was the most aggressive razz player I've ever seen in a MTT. Thanks, bud. I play a lot of razz heads up sngs against these two maniacs from Russia, so I got enough practice to school him pretty hard heads up. I only sucked out once all tournament, and it was in the final two. 

Some notes:

I smell terrible. 

Fuck Razz.

I have carpal tunnel from excessive shuffling of some chips I have laying around. Good anti-tilt remedy though.

And now the obligatory complaining about FullTilt:

1. The structure is balls. The ante is constantly 1/12th or less of the upper betting limit, and out of all the mixed games heads up and multi table tournments I play, the highest I ever see the ante at is 1/10th of the big bet, and that's only for like one level out of every two or three hourse.

2. Conversely, the limits move at an insane pace (of course), and I assume it's in FullTilt's interest to move games along as quickly as possible. People play like hyper aggressive maniacs or loose calling stations in razz tourneys, so why not at least have the ante be 10% or more of the big bet at least a few levels in the tournament? People seem to have no problem making thin steal attempts (even in a razz online event, like anyone will fold), and I myself had to steal to stay afloat at the final table full of tight players. I am positive raising the ante will improve the game and add a level of texture which I believe would make the game more skill dependent, as players would be forced to shift gears back and forth. As it is now, I rarely see players attempt to adapt at all within the course of one event, and maybe they don't have to, with these gawful structures. GAWFUL.

3. Full Tilt has H.O.R.S.E., H.O.S.E., and H.E.R.O.S. cash tables (thought the latter two see absolutely NO action beneath the 1000/2000 levels it seems), and the games change every ten hands. A reasonable approach, I think. Meanwhile, ever single mixed game tournament I've ever witnessed on FullTilt changes the games and levels based on time, whether it be 3, 6, 10, 12, or 15 minutes (the latter constituting what full tilt believes is a "deep" structure I guess. As it is, the hands take forever, and with players generally being clueless, the problem is excasberated. Plus, players are so loose, and pots have so many people in them, that the two split pot games have hands that take REALLY LONG. It's not rare to see a Stud8 portion have about three hands played. As such, I truly believe these mixed game tournaments and sit and goes become limit holdem tournaments, with a few hands of other games splashed in. This irks me to no end. I don't see how it's unreasonable to have like one horse tournament a week or something miniscule like that change levels and games by # of hands, as the cash games are run. 

Hopefully my next rant will be about something meaningful, like Judd Gregg or Chris Brown. 

PA-BLAAAAAM!!!!! WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE BITCHES!!!!!!

Make way.  Make way.  For I have arrived!  After 100 posts with two types of hot sauce on everything, shit starts tasting a bit mild, eh?  Well this is post #101 and I shall reheat this mother with some Totally Brash Knockouts!  

TBK!

Need my credentials?  I have a graduate degree in the NBA.  Majors in Poker & Movies.  Minors in the MLB & Photography.  No high school degree.  I am a certified Apple & Tech nerd.  I'm from New York Fucking City.  I live in Los Angeles.  Go Knicks (go lakers too... eeek).  Go Yankees.  Go Phil Ivey.  And I have a 1,000,000 to 0 undefeated record against James and Ed!  So bring it!

Lebron James sucks! No one really cares that A-Rod took steroids! Kobe is god! Paul Pierce is the worst of the Boston Three Party! Steve Nash should not have any MVPs! The Clippers are cursed! 2K9 blows Live out the water!

Again, my name is TBK.  Nice to meet you.  I'll be back after ALL STAR WEEKEND to talk about how a 5' 7" man out-dunked Dwight Howard.

**Mwhaaaa**

Fuuuuuuuck!

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3890785

I'm too shocked to say anything meaningful. What a terrible thing to wake up to.

It's Working!

I'm sure most of are far too busy being employed and having friends to take notice of every good commercial on tv. Lucky for you, I have no life. So enjoy these two little bundles of joy that make my day a little easier every time they pop up.






That truly is Shaqtastic. Freeze the video at 11 seconds to observe all the Shaqalicious glory on the Scrabble board. How have they not made a Shaq version of Scrabble? Oh, I know why. The Scrabble people are a miserable bunch of cheapskate fools who sue people for making Facebook applications of their game. Get with the 21st Century, most likely dead creator of Scrabble.

Part Deux!

Mike Tomlin does look viciously down to earth in that photograph James provided, doesn't he? I suppose that's part of the coach's charm, or whatever the quality is that appeals to professional sports players. Alas, it is a perspective I will never know. Possible exceptions include the Senior PGA Tour, the Senior European PGA Tour, the Senior Canadian PGA Tour, the PBA tour, and of course my outlandish dream of being a professional backgammon player. By this point, I am digressing too far away from sports branded "athletic". I think I could be good at darts, but to paraphrase Franny Glass, "It just looks so dreadfully tiresome, doesn't it?". 

Super Bowl Prediction:

Arizona 27, Pittsburgh 23.

I was so close to typing 25 after Pittsurgh, but predicting a safety, I figured, would be just too preposterous. 

I do think Arizona is the best team right now. In fact, they look amazing. Big plays on both sides of the field, a domianting turnover margin, and of course the pure talent on offense rising to the occasion. Pittsburgh, in my mind, did not look particularly impressive in their victory over Baltimore in the AFC Championship game, and if they somehow ever have to play in a game where the referee corps don't hand their 401ks to some bookie named Ron with the hopes of the Steelers covering the spread, then they could lose. Clearly, this is unlikely to happen, but this is the Super Bowl so I have to hope that at the very least another woefully mediocre performance won't be enough for victory.

Stuff to consider:

The Cardinals have 8 interceptions in their 3 playoff games. It will be very difficult for the Steelers to win if Ben Roethlisberger throws a couple picks instead of the usual barrage of 11 yard passes. While the Cardinals point defense has not been particularly impressive these playoffs, they have been making some big plays at crucial points. Yes they gave up 375 passing yards to Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles were playing from behind the whole game, and the contract which Andy reid signed to get a lifetime supply of Nacho Cheesier Doritos also forces him to call an average of 59.6 passing plays per game. 

Big play factors. Obviously, this is something sports fans associate with the Cardinals right now, but I believe to be a key to a potential Steeler's victory. Arizona's secondary will have to step it up, because if the last 2 games have told me anything, it's that Pittsburgh has an undying desire to randomly throw at least six 70 yard passes a game, no matter how exhaustingly boring their offense normally appears. If they connect, as they did on a fairly strange pass to Santonio Holmes 2 weeks ago, or rather, connect more than once, Pittsburgh will not lose. I think that Arizona will need a constant barrge of short passes, running plays, and mid range passes over the middle (perhaps to that doofy looking white tight end they have??) to win. They cannot rely on hooking up with Fitzgerald for 80 yards whenever the whim strikes Ken Whisenhunt.  

Hype. Kurt Warner will be ready to go. Ben Roethlisberger will be sacked. James is right in stating that Boldin will be a key to the Cardinals success, and I do believe he will have a big game. If Warner somehow manages to throw zero interceptions, I don't see how the Steelers will win. It just won't happen. Willie Parker had 46 yards on 24 carries last week, and the Cardinals have allowed starting running backs 42, 63, and 45 yards in 3 playoff games. It's not like Turner, Stewart, and Westbrook are the Ian Poulter of rushers, either. I also believe that Joe Crede would be an apt metaphor here. 

Special Teams. Not the fun kind, like punt returning or blocking an extra point and running it back 103 yards for 2 points, but kicking. Just kicking. Arizona's kicker has missed only 3 all year, and he's perfect on the season from 40-49 yards. Apparently Pittsburgh's kicker, Jeff Reed has missed 4 field goals, though I believe this to be the branch of some massive statistical conspiracy which I can't wrap my mind around right now. It probably involves the Freemasons though. I'm certain Reed has never missed a field goal in his life, and if he does shank one in the first half, then prepare yourselves for a 56-14 Cardinals victory. 

The Steelers have managed to beat all of 2 playoff bound teams this year. The Chargers and the Ravens, or for the casual sports fan, the two teams the Steelers beat in the playoffs. That's all. 

The Cardinals have players with names like Neil Rackers and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. 

Troy Polamalu is so overrated, it's ridiculous. Randomly flipping over the line doesn't always get the job done, you know.

X Factor: Tim Hightower. I've actually convinced myself that not only is he the X Factor, but he will be the difference maker, the icing on the cake, and the nail in the coffin. I am certain he will do something. 

MVP: If the Cardinals win I guess it will be Kurt Warner, because the cabal in charge of sports media loves white quarterbacks and only white quarterbacks. I suppose if Fitzgerald goes for something ridiculous like 250 yards, he could get it. We will all know that Tim Hightower is truly deserving of the award though, and I can only hope that the man sleeps soundly Sunday night with such knowledge engrained in his mind. 

What's the spread in the Puppy Bowl?

Obviously I'm not posting too frequently these days and this isn't a particularly inspired one. But I might as well publish my Superbowl prediction. After careful deliberation in the car this morning, I settled on Pittsburgh winning 21-13, which has them covering the spread by one point. I said it wasn't too inspired. Since I'm already writing this, I guess I should pick an MVP while I'm at it. Ummmmm... Santonio Holmes? That sounds about right. With Hines Ward hurt, Holmes is the Steelers' biggest offensive threat. Couple that with the fact that he'll probably return a few punts, I could see him going for something like 6 catches, 150 total yards and a receiving touchdown. That's all the enthusiasm I can muster for this game. My money is on the Steelers but my heart is with Arizona. Here's some more bs I feel like throwing out there for potential "I told you so" bragging rights after the game:

Cardinals X Factor: Anquan Boldin. The Steelers are sure to make life hard for Larry Fitzgerald and people seem to have forgotten how good Boldin is. He spent half the season playing with multiple injuries that sideline most humans for months and still managed to put up Pro Bowl numbers. After two whole weeks of recovery time and questions about his potential attitude problem, the stars seem perfectly aligned for him to blow up in this game. He's also the toughest receiver in the league and has the perfect style to outphysical the Steelers' D and knock them off their pedestal.

Steelers X Factor: Ben Roethlisberger (man that name is difficult) gets this label for all the wrong reasons. I'm actually a big fan of his and think he's vastly underrated, but his job in this game is to not do anything stupid and let the defense win the game. A lot has been made of his poor performance in Superbowl whateverstupidnumberthesteelerswon. If Big Ben tries too hard to redeem himself for that he might just end up blowing it for his team. Also don't be surprised if he goes down with an injury and Byron Leftiwch is forced to step up. Roethlisberger gets hurt a lot and reports of x-rays this week have me worried he might still be feeling the effects of the concussion he suffered a few weeks ago.

Best side effect of a Cardinals win: None really. Almost no one in the Cardinals' predominantly bandwagon fanbase deserves this. Shout out to Drew Brooks, who may the only true Cardinals fan in Arizona. Actually, one benefit of a Cardinals win is the increased likelihood of Kurt Warner leaving for greener pastures or possibly retirement, greatly increasing my chances to win my bet with Edmund that Matt Leinart will start at least one more game in his NFL career.

Best side effect of a Steelers win: America is forced to confront the uncanny resemblance of Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps, leading to Omar Epps starring in "Steel Resolve: The Mike Tomlin Story" on ABC Family.


Dude, stop being chubby, down to earth Omar Epps.

Worst side effect of a Cardinals win: Kurt Warner gets a national stage to peddle Jesus to the public. Listen, we know all about Jesus. Nobody cares if you love him. Just thank him and let us move on with our lives.

Worst side effect of a Steelers win: Even more pissant bandwagon Steelers fans in every major city. Where do these people even come from? It's like every douchebag that grew up more than two hours from a major sports city suddenly finds a way to be a lifelong Steelers fan the second the playoffs begin. You think that James Farrior jersey is fooling me? It's not. Go back to Des Moines and bring you fair weather allegiances with you.

Just to reiterate: Steelers win 21-13 and Santonio Holmes gets MVP.

One last point: How does Larry Fitzgerald not have a nickname? I'm all out of funny so I won't put any ideas out there, but this guy needs to have a nickname by the time next season rolls around.

Enjoy the game if you can. My goals for Sunday only go as far as hoping to get drunk enough to stop caring by the 4th Quarter. GO YANKEES!

Pessimism

I was considering compiling a list of who I think the top 10 underrated comedians are, but being negative is just so much easier. 

Top 10 most overrated songs...EVER!

*This does not necessarily reflect the quality of any particular song listed, as I am only stating what I believe to be the group of songs which have the greatest disparity between actual goodness and their respective hype. I'll also try not to let the amount of playtime on radio or my friends' ipods be the only barometers of how regarded these songs are. 

10. "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M.

9. "Jump Around" by The House of Pain

8. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

7. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

6. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles

5. "Under the Bridge" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers"

4. "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin

3. "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band

2. "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. "Hotel California" by The Eagles

If things work out this way, I'll kick my own ass

Before the NFL season began, Edmund and I made on a bet on our projected playoff brackets. I won't get into how poorly some of our picks have worked out, but there is one thing on my bracket that totally breaks my heart right now. Predictable as I am, I gave the Cowboys the #1 seed in the NFC and, with the fall of Osi Umenyiora (Remember him? He'll be back), I could only manage to justify the #6 seed for the Giants. This all lead to a juicy rematch of last year's showdown. Yeah, so I kind of picked the Cowboys to win the Superbowl. Sure, the Giants won the division and the Cowboys might not even make the playoffs. But this doesn't change the fact that a Giants-Cowboys game is totally possible and I have an irrattional fear of jinxing New York sports teams.

Maybe I'm just perpetuating the jinx by writing this. Maybe I'm instigating a reverse jinx a la Bill Simmons. All I know is I'll never forgive myself if the Giants fall to the Cowboys in January. With my luck, Tom Brady will probably make a mircaulous recovery and lead the Patriots all the way to a fourth championship. Now I've gone too far.

The title is Happy

I've been struggling with a script for a little while now and one of the big hang-ups right now is the title. I can't find any of my notes so I'm publishing this idea where I can't lose it. So yeah, the title of my unfinished script is Happy. No, it's not a romantic comedy and it will have nothing to do with Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, I'm writing a script called Happy and it should be done some time in the 21st Century. Stay tuned!

If I was a film critic...

I could call Magnolia a symphony of coincidence. Alas, I am but a lowly blogger, so I have to put boundaries on my pretentious, nonsensical ramblings. Maybe I can become a struggling comedian and pull out this gem of a description on I Love The 90s: 2022 Edition. And if you're thinking I Love The 90s won't be around in 2022, then you're neglecting the fact that Michael Ian Black will still be alive and lonely.

Plan B costs $40 too

By special request from one of my 2-4 readers, I've got something to say about condoms. About a month ago I was talking about sex with a friend and she mentioned that her boyfriend uses lamb skin condoms. She swore to me that it's almost like having real, beautiful, unprotected sex. I was sold enough that I actually got to the point where I was prepared to buy myself a box and masturbate with one (you know, for scientific research). What she didn't mention is that they cost $40! You've got to be out your mind if you think I'm about to pay $40 to have sex 12 times. It already costs enough going out for dinner or drinks or whatever else is your preferred method for wooing prospective partners. There is no way I'm going to waste that much extra money to put a barrier between my penis and, um... lady parts. In all honesty, I think I'd rather roll the dice and get a $2 blowjob.

What else are you supposed to do with a name like Zooey?

Man, that Zooey Deschanel really is just about the cutest lady ever. I just watched Elf for the first time the other night and that woman is absolutely adorable. I didn't even mind that silly blond dye job they made her spor. I just want to stay up late with her talking about pop culture and cuddling. That's not to say I wouldn't sleep with her (duh!). She just seems like a really good cuddler. Does this mean I'm going to pay $12 to see Yes Man? Hell no! If I want to seem Jim Carrey playing an everyman having an identity crisis I'll rent Liar Liar.

The misguided football panelist's guide to sounding legitimate

Dear recently retired NFL player,

So hear you are, 35 years old with bad knees, chronic back pain and the prospect of a used car dealership staring you down like the barrel of a shotgun. Your wife and kids are excited about all the free time you'll finally have to lavish them with gifts and attention. Well, maybe not your wife, but you get the point. Rest assured, there is light at the end of the retirement tunnel. You are just one call away from a cushy career in football commentary!

As soon as you inform the television networks of your retirement the offers will come pouring in. You might be thinking to yourself, "How am I supposed to talk about football all week? I'm just a player." Well, you're right. Luckily, that is the only qualification you need to be a football analyst. Remember, Trent Dilfer could barely beat a high school team, but it took him all of five minutes to cut a deal with ESPN. By following my easy guidelines, you too can be sitting in the studio in no time!

1) Numbers are your friend
Nothing says "I'm informed!" like arbitrarily forecasting the exact outcome of a game. No matter what the situation is, you can never go wrong with throwing some numbers out there. In fact, the more numbers you put together, the smarter you sound. Being able to confidently predict a score implies that you've done your research. Of course the best part of this is that you can more or less pick numbers out of a hat and still sound smart. Let's say the Broncos are visiting the Redskins. How does 38-20 Broncos sound? How about 24-14 Redskins? You can even have a system for this. Two evenly matched, strong offensive teams? 31-24 for the home team. Two smash mouth defenses? 17-10 for whichever team you like more. This is especially easy when you're dealing with two terrible teams. If the Raiders are facing the Chiefs, there is no score that sounds unreasonable. You could say 34-6, 21-0, 28-24. etc., and it doesn't matter. Nobody knows what's going to happen and nobody cares. But if you back up your predictions with some numbers, they will be eating of your hand.

2) Chuckle at everything
You might not be contributing any kind of valuable input, but nobody will care if you keep laughing and smiling for no reason whatsoever. I know, it sounds like a surefire way to expose yourself as the mindless buffoon you really are. But laughing is infectious both in the studio and through the television screen. The happier you seem, the more people will like you. Look at Tiki Barber. All that guy knows how to do is smile and he gets to sit next to Cris Collinsworth.


Believe it or not, he's actually at a funeral.

If smiling isn't really your thing, you can always go the hysterical lunatic route a la Terry Bradshaw. You might find this hard to believe, but 75% of Terry Bradshaw's "commentary" is actually just laughing at the jokes nobody made. All you have to do is keep laughing in the background and the others will eventually join in. Before you know it, the game will have started and you'll be one week closer to a six month vacation.

3) "I've just got a feeling" is your get out of jail free card
There comes a time in every pre-game show where you might be called on to rattle off some quick predictions for the upcoming games. Usually, a simple declaration will suffice in fulfilling your roll call duties. However, you will occasionally be forced to provide an explanation for your pick. If you find yourself in this situation without an adequate response, do not panic. Take a deep breath and utter these simple words: I've just got a feeling. You may initially feel foolish and fear you've been exposed, but when used correctly, this phrase will gain you the respect and admiration of your studio colleagues. After all, you spent 10+ years on the gridiron. You of all people have earned the right to have a gut feeling. As a bonus, your credibility increases exponentially every time you happen to be right. This move can also be used to declare a certain player will have a monster game or to retroactively declare you knew a breakout star "would be a special player."

4) When all else fails, agree with the other guys
When you find yourself having to engage in some kind of extended conversation about a particular football issue, there is no move more safe and reliable than agreeing with your colleagues. There are many ways to use this move, all of them are effective. The easiest approach is to simply reiterate what the guy before just said. His opinion is fresh in your head and it's easy to avoid providing insight if you act like the other guy just stole your idea. All you have to is prefix it with something like, "You're exactly right" (The Troy Aikman special) or "I couldn't agree with you more there." If you're looking for a more sophisticated take on this, steal the opinion of the top dog in the studio. He should be easy to spot by his calm demeanor and attentiveness while others are talking. If this is too hard, look for the one dressed most like a regular person. If you're at ESPN, either of these rules will lead you directly to Tom Jackson or Mark Schlereth while also helping you avoid accidentally taking Keyshawn Johnson seriously.

5) Anecdotes, anecdotes, anecdotes
It might not have worked for John McCain, but you're not running for president, you're talking about football. Your playing career is what got you here and that might just be what keeps you here. Anecdotes are a guaranteed way to make your audience think you know what you're talking about. All you have to do is say something like "This is just like (insert great game you were a part of)" and it brings a real air of legitimacy to all of your opinions. The bigger the games you played in, the better. People love hearing old playoff stories during the postseason. If you've been to the Superbowl, beat that horse to death. Still, the most effective way to use anecdotes is when talking about non-game issues. Any time you're talking about off the field issues like Pacman Jones or Mike Singetary's lack of pants is the perfect opportunity to humor fans with stories of your crazy teammates' antics. However, I must warn you, never, under any circumstances, let them know how sick and perverted you used to be. Think about it. You never hear Michael Irvin talk about his drug and/or hooker abuse. Rip on your buddies and you're good to go.

And that, my friend, is all you need to know about being a football panelist. Stick to these simple rules and a lucrative broadcasting career is sure to come. Good luck!

The king is dead. Long live the king!

Well, he's not dead yet, but the George Steinbrenner era is officially over at Yankee Stadium. As of yesterday, Steinbrenner's younger son, Hal, will take over control of the Yankees. Despite his consistently maniacal (see: Martin, Billy) and often bizarre (see: Mattingly, Don, sideburns of) approach to ownership, nobody can say George Steinbrenner didn't do everything in his power to win. During 35 years in power, George Steinbrenner brought the Yankees to the World Series ten times, won six titles and saw the Yankees become the richest and most powerful sports franchise the wolrd has ever seen. He will be an icon to sports fans and New Yorkers alike as long as those two are still around*. The Boss is dead. Love live The Boss!



* If you think New York will be around until the end of mankind, you have clearly learned nothing from disaster movies. Whether it be a from comet (Armageddon), a massive tidal wave as result of a comet (Deep Impact), some other ludircous tidal wave scenario due to global warming or whatever that bs was (The Day After Tomorrow) or freaking alien death rays (Independence Day), New York is always the first to go. If the Apocalypse ever comes, I'm getting my ass to Montana.

Oh dear, I'ma go to jail

(Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is in a wee bit of trouble)

Let's just hope I get the Martha Stewart minimum security spa package and I don't get sent to federal pound me in the ass prison.

At least I have my computer back

Safari is such an awful web browser. If Safari were a person, I would mercilessly bludgeon it like Joe Pesci in every single movie he's ever made. I just spent half an hour filling out the most tedious job application I've ever seen, only to have Safari "unexpectedly quit" on me right at the end. All of my work gone. I think it's time I unexpectedly quit on Safari. What the hell kind of name is Safari anyway? I think the internet is well beyond the days of being a fascinating breakthrough. The internet is not an exotic adventure. It's not even a pre-packaged family thrill. The internet is a tool. Oh, yeah, it's also good for porn.

It's like 1993 all over again.

My computer is currently failing to startup so don't expect any updates until it gets fixed. Hopefully that will sooner rather than later as approximately 75%-100% of my personal life is dependent on computers. And my brother just informed me that he found a website that streams live NFL games. On the plus side, being offline greatly increases my chances of not knowing the result of the World Series of Poker final table, which is happening right now but doesn't air until Tuesday night. Check it out Tuesday at 9 PM on ESPN if you want to see somebody win (insert Dr. Evil voice) $9 million.

While I'm on this subject, I might as well post my prediction for potential bragging rights in a couple days. The popular pick is Ivan Demidov, a Russian profession player who also made the final table at the World Series of Poker Europe main event, finishing third. In poker lingo, that's pretty sick (that means very good). However, my pick is Canadian pro Scott Montgomery for no good reason other than he seems like a really nice guy and he's definitely playing to win as opposed to trying to outlast other players to move up the money ladder. I'll also be happy if Ylon Schwartz, a self described former chess hustler from Brooklyn who refers to money as "cheese," or Chino Rheem, the only "name" player at the table, should go on to win.

That's it for me. Off I go, back into depths of computerlessness. The spell checker says "computerlessness" is a word. I wanted to create a word. That kind of ruined my day.