A Million Aplogies & NFL Week 3

A million apologies to all of you for being basically defunct recently. Life has a habit of getting in the way of inspiration sometimes and, needless to say, I haven't been too inspired lately. Hopefully I can get some momentum here and stick around. Wouldn't that be fun. Here's some super random stuff about the first few weeks of NFL and maybe some other fun stuff.

-It's been two weeks since Tom Brady went down and the James McDonagh justices of conscience have reached a ruling: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... (deep breath) HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA... (chokes on own laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ha! I know it's somewhat unethical to take joy from the pain of others but (holding back snickers) god damn that's some good karma! I'll tell you one thing: Tom Brady will NEVER EVER EVER abandon a child again! You can't say he didn't have it coming. If you wish to join the Bernard Pollard fan club you can find it here. 

- The Giants are looking might good right now. I know we've only faced the lowly Redskins and Rams but wins are wins and they all looked to be catching their strides by the second half last week. It's no fluke that ESPN has them ranked #3 right now. It feels good to start this way but there's a lot of work ahead for the G-Men. Our upcoming games are: Bengals, Seahawks, Browns, and 49ers. We could very easily go 6-0. The thing is we might need to if we want to make the playoffs. After the cakewalk we've got a gauntlet of the Steelers and division games. It will be tough but it looks good for Big Blue right now. Hopefully we fight with the Eagles and Cowboys for NFC Easy supremacy all year and lead into a crazy playoffs. 

- What The Packers? Aaron Rodgers looks totally legit. I feel awesome for naming them one of my surprise teams. Not so awesome is that I picked Minnesota to win the division in my bet with Ed. More to come on that later.

- Hell Yeah Buffalo! If they keep playing that way the Bills could easily find themselves in the AFC PLayoffs and  (GASPS!) they might even steal the AFC East from the Pats. There's a very real chance the Bills start the season 8-0. Check the schedule. I'm not saying you should plan for a Superbowl party in Buffalo or anything but it's nice to see the Bills in the thick if things like this. Marshawn Lynch is a beast.

- I'm still loving Favregate all day baby! I'll set the over/under at Week 15 for Favre crying on the sideline. Yes, I will discuss casual wagers. 

- Interesting development going on in Denver right now. Botched calls aside, the Broncos have pulled out two big wins and their offense looks like they eat radioactive isotopes for breakfast. I'm not sure they can keep up this kind of pace but as of right now they are the clear favourites in the AFC West and a few more good games will have right in the middle of Superbowl discussions.

- (yawning as I awake from my peaceful slumber) Cardinals are 2-0? That's nice. Wake me up when somebody, anybody, anywhere on earth actually thinks they'll make a difference this year. 

-I'm a little behind on this but I find it truly saddening to see this Vince Young drama play out. The guy clearly has some issues way beyond what happens on the football field. Career be damned, I just hope everything works out for Vince Young the person.

-Aaaaaaa too much NFL information to filter through. I'll try to get my head/life in order so we can have some clearer direction over here at HSWE. For now, I will jsut say enjoy yourself some football today. And if you're not into that, take a walk. It's gorgeous outside.

It's actually quite infuriating

I try not the take for granted some of the finer parts of New York City. For a city whose functionality is reliant on countless complex systems working in unison, all through the toils of thousands if not millions of civil service workers, it is remarkably easy to forget that we owe a lot of thanks for some of the smallest, seemingly involuntary tasks that help us call ourselves "New Yorkers." Sick of your train stalling before going over the bridge every morning? Well, quite yer' bitchin' princess Hilton! Some lowly worker is busting his ass trying to get you to your BS job daddy hooked you up with on time. You might even have time to get a double mocha skim vegan Osama soy bin latte! Show some god damned appreciation! On the other hand, I really don't care about any of that if you insist on taking up the seat next to you. What's that? You have a sore hip? First, I'm not even gonna ask why. Second, I don't care. Have some respect for your fellow "New Yorkers" and follow my rules of subway etiquette.

1) You are not that fat guy: So stop sitting like one. You don't need that extra space; you want that extra space. Well, tough luck. My ass wants it too. Wanna guess who wins this battle? The seats have very clear demarcations. Stay within yours or I will fart on your leg. 

2) Your balls/ovaries are not the size of basketballs: So stop kicking back and spreading your legs like this subway car is your living room. I think it's really nice that you can find comfort in such a crowded place. But, if you hadn't noticed, your sweet little "giving my jumblies some fresh air" move is pushing your knees directly into mine and giving my nuts the ol' "just hold your breath and we can all get through this as a team" maneuver. If you want adequate knee space perhaps you should consider biking. Your knees get all over the place on those things.

3) There is no such thing as primary standing room: So will you please get out of my way so I can get away from this neanderthal breathing down my neck. The flip side of this rule is the wonderful Samaritans who love to glide through already packed subway cars. You see this backpack I have on, right? If you seriously think I'm about to put it into three lovely people's faces all for your extra 1/8th inch of breathing room, well, first you'll have to tell me how it feels to ride on the train with a sweaty armpit in your face. Yeah, it's mine. Good luck with that.

It's all up hill after Dennis Miller

After seven long, baseball ridden months, the NFL is finally back in my life. This means many things to a degenerate like me. Not only does it bring the prospect of actual interesting sporting events returning to my life, it also reintroduces me the wonderful world of sports betting. I am by no means a football expert. In fact, it would be a stretch to even call myself well informed. But there's something about football betting that puts all other sports bets to shame. Oh, and the Giants won the Superbowl in somewhat dramatic fashion if you hadn't heard. Admittedly, the Giants' season looks pretty bleak right now but it's still very exciting to come into the season as defending champions and OH MY GOD FOOTBALL IS BACK! The Giants will have to fight for a playoff spot in the ridiculously stacked NFC East but, as cliche as this sounds, I think the Giants have already proven that they thrive in those situations and I expect them to find themselves in a Wild Card game again. More on the Giants in a bit. Here are my loose rankings as of 28 hours before the season officially starts. 

Favourites (in order):

Cowboys

Totally Not Undefeated Last Season Patriots

Chargers

Colts

Contenders:

Jaguars

Vikings

Steelers

Dangerous in the Playoffs:

Browns 

Eagles

Could Surprise You:

Giants

Saints

Bills

Packers

Overrated Would Be a Compliment:

Redskins

Broncos

Titans

Lions

Panthers

Pointlessly Mediocre:

Texans

Buccaneers

Bengals

The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked:

Jets

Bears

Dolphins

Raiders

Chiefs

I'd Rather Watch a Ben Affleck Movie:

Falcons

Ravens

The entire NFC West (Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, Rams) 

The reason I have the Cowboys at the top of my list is that they will most likely coast through the NFC Playoffs (Yes, I'm totally trying to jinx them) while the AFC Playoffs are going to be a total bloodbath. Seriously, I've heard five different teams in the AFC predicted to win the Superbowl and they all make sense. On the other hand, the only serious threat to the Cowboys right now is the Vikings and they didn't even make the playoffs last year.

The reason I put the NFC West at the bottom is because it's god awful. The Seahawks are the only legitimate team in that division and that's only because they were in Superbowl thre years ago. They would get crushed in any other division except the NFC South where they'd probably still get spanked by the Saints.

Yes, I know the Jets have Brett Favre and I still say they suck. I almost feel bad for the people who think a 38 year old diva learning a new offense somehow books a ticket for the playoffs. Favre is a great player but he didn't do it alone last year. The Jets' only other assets are their offensive line and... oh, that's it. I hope Brett Favre cries his way through the end of the season when he realizes that he ruined his legacy to go 6-10.

Here are some more whimsical predictions and then a celebration to honor the beginning of Edmund's season long funding of the Feed James fund.

Tony Romo will throw for 40 touchdowns and win MVP.

Nobody will care about Jessica Simpson until the playoffs, at which point the whole world will put pressure on Tony Romo to win a game. 

Eli Manning will finally play consistently this season and shut up all his critics.

Justin Tuck will have a monster season at defensive end for the Giants and their defense will be just fine.

Either Tom Brady or Peyton Manning will miss a start. 

Adam "Pacman" Jones will not get in any trouble off the field this season. 

Chris Henry will get in trouble off the field this season.

If the Cardinals have any shot at the playoffs, they will not start Matt Leinart at all.

Adrian Peterson will lead the league in rushing. However, he will not gain 2000 yards.

Shawne Merriman will not make it through eight games before his knee fails on him. Enjoy him while he's playing because this could easily be the end of his career. "Idiotic" doesn't even begin to describe his decision to play through two(!) torn ligaments. Good luck living off that rookie contract for the rest of your life, Shawne.

I will consider the season a bust if announcers refuse to refer to the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson by his new legal name, Chad Ocho Cinco.

Marvin Lewis will get fired by the Bengals after the season.

Edmund will lose lots of money to me.

Seriously, Edmund picked the Broncos as the #1 seed in the AFC. It doesn't get much better after that.

The Cowboys will beat the Colts 28-24 in the Superbowl.