"Roy is the best player I've ever played against" -Ron Artest Interview on TNT

No introduction necessary... just press play.

Don't make no sense

Every time I get deja vu, I get deja vu of that particular deja vu experience. (In case you were counting, I fit "deja vu" into that sentence three times) Does this mean my thought process is more advanced than the average human, or have I simply smoked too much pot in my days? Whatever it is, I'm fairly sure deja vu remains one of the unsolved mysteries of mankind, and that creeps me out when I think about it too much. How many unsolved mysteries do we really have in the world? *

How did the universe come to be?
Is there a god?
What's the deal with deja vu?

I'm obviously simplifying the argument to skew it in my favor, but I don't think that negates my point. When I was a kid I spent the better part of a week trying to convince people I had either time traveled or been reincarnated. Even in my wiser, depressingly agnostic state of mind, I might be more partial to believe either of those than to accept the explanation of (verbal equivalent of a shoulder shrug) for this phenomenon. Whatever it is, I just hope I can keep my deja vu loop to a harmless count of two or three. I can't imagine I could go with that too long before my head exploded or, if we're being sticklers for realism, I gave myself a brain aneurysm.

*I'm talking about philosophical mysteries. Don't come to me with examples like the Lindburgh baby or Jimmy Hoffa.

Bwahahaha. And might I add, ha ha.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30456741/

If you open your window, you might actually hear the collective "awwwwww" coming from the voices of disappointed Americans everywhere. I know I said it, but mine came with a grin as wide as William Howard Taft's waistline.

Maybe republicans could actually complain about an effort to gain a filibuster-proof majority if not for this:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_option

Or this: http://electionlawblog.org/archives/003317.html

Oh, that must be all: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2004/10/26/AR2005032201677.html

And some of this: http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/gaynor/060429

Granted much of this discussion was spurred by the issue of judicial filibusters, efforts to prevent Bush appointees from being seated in various courts. Clearly the presence of Samuel Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts on the Supreme Court shows how serious Democrats were about actually doing something a few years ago. Wait...

That's right, they didn't do anything! At any rate, Republican criticism of filibusters obviously came without the least bit of hypocritical leanings:

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/226/story/18218.html

Ah well. At least since Democrats took control of Congress, the G.O.P has been using filibusters for only the most practical and integral reasons:

http://www.americablog.com/2008/07/gop-senators-filibuster-stroke.html

Must be tough to be a pro-choice senator from Pennsylvania while trying to maintain some semblance of stature within the modern Republican Party. From my perspective, it seems tough 

to maintain the visage of a human being in today's G.O.P.

Maybe I'm the only person in America who equates the notion of a small and limited government with not telling people what to do with their bodies. 

Fear not, fans of the gallant old party, for this proud American is still one of your senators!

    http://blog.nola.com/updates/2007/07/former_prostitute_confirms_vit.html

Draft

From espn.com, analysis of the Indianapolis Colts' second pick in the NFL draft, Fili Moala (USC):

Moala looks the part of an interior defensive lineman in a one-gap scheme. He's an excellent athlete who moves well laterally and can be effective getting down the line in pursuit. However, he'll need to get stronger in order to consistently anchor against the double-team on the interior.

Huh? Double team on the interior of the Colts' defensive line? Yeah, cause thats what's going to happen. 

I mean, the Colts don't have any good players on the outside of their defensive line.

Oh, wait...

I'm so mad I could shake a baby

Are you fucking kidding me? The Falcons just got Tony Gonzalez for a 2nd round pick. Tony Gonzalez, as in the future hall of fame tight end Tony Gonzalez who was wasting his golden years on the Chiefs. Tony Gonzalez, as in the same Tony Gonzalez the Giants tried to acquire last season. The Giants have three 2nd round picks! Resisting the urge to trade for Braylon Edwards I understand. But to think Tony Gonzalez isn't worth one of those picks is horrible management. The Giants are one or two pieces away from another Superbowl. To sit on our hand when there are legitimate difference makers out there for the taking is criminally passive. What, is Kevin Boss supposed to be the wave of the future at the tight end spot? Ugh, we better have an amazing draft.

It is a pretty good deal after all

I just wrote out a long rant about the lack of Dunkin' Donuts locations in California, then I realized nobody cares about such trivial topics. Instead of resorting to the standard approach of using this medium to whine about the minutae of my life, I'll be more positive and tell everybody on the east coast to get over to Dunkin' Donuts and enjoy a fifty cent iced coffee today. I would have felt much better about typing that last sentence if my keyboard had a cents symbol.

The Official NBA Playoff Predictions. Take off your pants and wave it around like you just don't care!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Cleveland Cavaliers (1) vs Detroit Pistons (8)

TAKE ONE

Lebron James will be named MVP for leading his team to the second best home record of all time: 39-2. They also have the best record in the league and seem to be on a mission to crown King James. But what they weren't expecting after earning their top seed spot is to look down at the bracket and see that they have to face the Pistons first round! Expect this series to be more of a battle than expected. Detroit is a sleeping giant and they might wake up.

KEY MATCHUP

Rasheed Wallace vs Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Everybody wants to see how well Tayshaun will guard Lebron, but Lebron will score 30ish per game no matter what. The position that will win and lose games is the center spot.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Iverson might play. If it goes to a game 7 and everybody holds home court, then the game will be Cleveland and Detroit searching for an.... answer.

PREDICTION

Cavs in 6

Boston Celtics (2) vs Chicago Bulls (7)

TAKE ONE

With Kevin Garnett's injury, this series all of a sudden turns into a "big ticket" matchup. Expect to see some ridiculous buzzer beaters.

KEY MATCHUP

Derrick Rose vs Rajon Rondo. Rookie excellence vs overrated bullshit. Rajon Rondo is a joke who can't make a jumpshot. Derrick Rose is going to shake and bake him to death. Lets see if the Celtics can handle it.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

John Salmons is an A-Class scorer. Salmons will be very effective in a half court set. He can create and, more importantly, he will finish.

PREDICTION

Celtics in 7

Orlando Magic (3) vs Philadelphia 76ers (6)

TAKE ONE

Can Orlando survive in a half court grind-it-out playoff series? Will they be able to win without 6 fast-break 3pters a game? Simple answer = yes.

KEY MATCHUP

Dwight Howard vs Philadelphia. I predict that Dwight will average 35+ in this series. Good night Philly :)

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Samuel Dalembert is crying right now.

PREDICTION

Magic in 5

Atlanta Hawks (4) vs Miami Heat (5)

TAKE ONE

The Hawks have earned it. They waited through a rebuilding stage. They gave the Celtics a good run last year. Too bad Dwayne Wade is going to hit that ridiculous shot with no time left in game 7 to send the Hawks home for the summer.

KEY MATCHUP

This one's easy: Dwayne Wade vs Joe Johnson. These two are both top 10 scorers and neither can play equally good defense. This shall be a duel.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Pat Riley still secretly coaches the Heat.

PREDICTION

Heat in 7

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Los Angeles Lakers (1) vs Utah Jazz (8)

TAKE ONE

This is the last year the Jazz are going to make the playoffs for a while. And they will be swept by the mighty Lakers. What I wonder is will Sloan stay with the Jazz through a rebuild?

KEY MATCHUP

Carlos Boozer vs Pau Gasol. In order for the Jazz to steal a game, Boozer must post superstar prime-time numbers, which I don't believe he will do. He's ready to leave Salt Lake and he will get a max contract with or without a monster playoff showing.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Andrew Bynum is 21 years old and doesn't give a fuck about his knee. He still heals like Wolverine.

PREDICTION

Kobe in 4

Denver Nuggets (2) vs New Orleans Hornets (7)

TAKE ONE

What a blockbuster first round matchup! I believe this series will go to seven. Its very difficult to predict because, despite their records, these teams are very evenly matched up. Is Carmelo the difference maker or is it Chandler's health?

KEY MATCHUP

Chris Paul/David West vs Chauncey Billups/Nene Hilario. Which PG/PF matchup will win? They will grind. Goddamn I'm excited for this series.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Peja ate some magic seaweed last night and he will be returning to top-notch form on Sunday.

PREDICTION

Hornets in 7

San Antonio Spurs (3) vs Dallas Mavericks (6)

TAKE ONE

Like the Jazz, the Spurs are nearing the end of a long and boring run. Ginobli out for the whole playoffs. Duncan not playing game 1. The Frenchman can't win on his own.

KEY MATCHUP

Josh Howard vs Michael Finley. With all the injuries, Michael Finley will be asked to step it up big time. Which I believe he will... temporarily. After a few games his age will catch up to him and Howard will be stompin' him.

THE THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Jason Terry is the keystone to the Mavs. Without him, they all fall into a Cuban sandwich.

PREDICTION

Mavs in 5

Houston Rockets (4) vs Portland Trail Blazers (5)

TAKE ONE

Great series! Even though I think the Rockets will win -and McGrady will die in his wheelchair- I am very excited to see one of the next generation's powerhouses play on center stage. The Blazers are one of the beaming lights of the NBA's near future (along with the Hornets, Hawks, Magic & Lebron).

KEY MATCHUP

Ron Artest vs Brandon Roy. Defense vs Offense. And I think the winner will be an exception to the norm...

THING YOU DON'T KNOW IS...

Ron Artest is the best player in this series. Don't agree? I'll put money down. Let the stats talk. Bring it.

PREDICTION

Rockets in 7

Way to ruin things for yourself, James

I'm positively giddy about the upcoming NBA Playoffs. The prospect damn near guarantee of a Cavs-Lakers showdown has me wishing I could fast forward one month of my life away. And I just ruined it for myself.

I miss football! Well, it's not so much missing as it is realizing we're still four months away from the beginning of the season. This sucks. This is what happens when you a) care about a particular sport and b) happen to root for a serious contender. Forget about fast forwarding a month, I'll skip over the whole summer if it means getting the NFL back. I don't like summer that much anyway. It's not the same now that we're "adults," right?

I'll tell you what, higher power(s?) that dictate the fate of the universe I'm pretending to believe in right now, just let me wake up next Monday to news that the Giants traded for Anquan Boldin and I'll quit whining so much. Please? And no compromising and giving us Braylon Edwards. Pretty please?

ZOMG!!!1!

I've barely watched Sportcenter since arriving in L.A. I'll consider it dumb luck that the one day I turn it on I manage to catch Snoop Dogg doing commentary on the top ten plays on the NBA season. I would try and make some kind of rhyme-like joke here, but I am in fact whiter than rice. None of this changes the fact that it was a glorious two minutes of Snoop and basketball. However, I could have done without three Dwayne Wade clips. Am I to believe that Dwayne Wade is responsible for 30% of the great plays in the NBA, or could it be that he's a flashy, overrated, reckless, injury prone luck box? In conclusion, I'm gonna punch myself in the face if the Knicks sign him in 2010.

Stay tuned for TBK's playoff preview.

They got me

I had a very fruitless search for pictures of the new first dog on Google earlier. Then I saw somebody I never heard of was following me on Twitter. Before I could even examine that I was staring down a link to the photo that had previously evaded me on my Twitter feed . How am I supposed to stay out of the Twitter cult if it just trumped Google? Shit.

The dog is an adorable little mess named Bo. My dog was named Bo! I hope I get emotionally attached.



I woke up about an hour and a half ago in the middle of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson making an incredible, improbable run up the leaderboard at The Masters. Mickelson seemed primed to pull off a classic final round to claim the green jacket. What did he do instead of that? He blew it and missed two baby putts that, had he made both, would have given him a share of the lead. I guess that's what I get for thinking golf could be exciting.

I hope Angel Cabrera wins because he's kinda fat and he smokes. If that's too much to ask, I'll be content if my face stops hurting so much. Stupid vodka.

Not so fun facts

1/3 of high school graduates never read another book for the rest of their lives
42 percent of college graduates never read another book after college
80 percent of U.S. families did not buy or read a book last year
70 percent of U.S. adults have not been in a bookstore in the last five years
57 percent of new books are not read to completion
70 percent of books published do not earn back their advance
70 percent of the books published do not make a profit

In unrelated news, I am able to put a positive spin on the Yankees ekeing out a win to avoid a disastrous opening series sweep in the great city of Baltimore. It's probably a smart idea that the Orioles let them win one out of the 3 games, because honestly the Yankees need to have a little false hope to fill them with the motivation necessary to occasionally beat the Red Sox, Blue Jays, and Rays. At least they probably enjoyed themelves in the beautiful spring weather found off the shores of the Chesapeake Bay. Gotta soak that stuff in when you play 81 games in the Bronx. 

My only regret is that I couldn't place that futures bet, because 200-1 on the Orioles winning the chamiponship has dropped to 150-1, now tied for last with the Pirates.

Quote of the day: 

"Steinbrenner should pay the other owners not to field a team, it would be cheaper in the long run."

I am the true master

I too realize the Masters has started, but I assure you there's a zero percent chance of me watching golf on a Thursday. Sure, I'll be that guy sitting alone in the tv room this Sunday while everybody else socializes. But that's Sunday. So trust me when I say I'm not cheating with my pick. My pick for the 2009 Masters Champion:

Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all!

See, I told you I'm not cheating, just being unimaginative. I know very little about golf besides the fact that Tiger Woods might have the biggest "Refuse to Lose" factor of any athlete from any sport ever. The guy played ten months with a torn ACL. Just to put that in perspective, Tom (insert effeminate nickname here) Brady got carried off the field and missed a whole season. Plus, Woods already has a win since coming back. I like his chances if he's within four strokes going into the final round.

Aside from Tiger, I'm rooting for Ryo Ishikawa, a 17 year-old Japanese golfer with a taste for theatrics I read about once. I totally remembered his name by googling "flamboyant young Japanese golfer."

Prediction:

My pick to win the 2009 Masters:

Adam Scott

*I realize the event probably started already, but I just woke up and I haven't looked at any results.

Money for potatoes

Apparently pennsylvania McDonald's exist on a completely different sprectrum than their fair minded equivalents in the rest of the country. 

Specifically, this is about McDonald's breakfast, a.k.a. the only edible fast food available on the east coast. I won't get into the various price increases in every single item on the menu, whether you compare today's prices to those from 2 years ago, 10 years ago, or when we were little kids. Remember 49 cent hamburgers? I do. 

Aside: When I was 15, my mom and I had yet to get a computer so I wrote all my school assignments on a typewriter. Said typewriter had a cents symbol, much like I have $ symbol on my computer now. Well, I certainly don't have a cents symbol now, is this a sign of the times, or just a sign that my computer is a complete anomally? I need an answer!

Say you order hash browns. Nowdays they're either $1.19 or $1.29 or maybe 2 bucks in  NYC or perhaps only a dollar in Oklahomha or Alabama. I don't know about the latter.

Still, every single time you get TWO hash browns for whatever the amount is. Thats' why on the menu it says, "hash browns" not "hash brown". They're not sheep, there is a singular form and it would be clarified if it was so. Seven months ago I ordered hash browns in Pennsylvania, and I got one. Some time later I went home to Maryland, and after an exhausting night of smoking weed and playing Risk, I stopped by McDonalds for some bullshit southern chicken sandwhich, which means it is fried and has a pickle. Such activity spurred me to ask my friend whether someone gets 1 or 2 hash browns per order. The mere mention of this question caused my friend to fall into near convulsions, followed by him calling me an idiot or the like. The point: it's ridiculous to think you don't get two hash browns per order. I mean, they are a slice of fried frozen potato. A few trips in various states since have confirmed this (I use few very generously, I don't wake up early).

Cue yesterday, and my side stop at a McDonalds on the way to walking to the local SEPTA station. Again, I was very confused as whether to ask for hash browns or a hash brown, but I figured I should go with the plural just in case. 

I got two hash browns. But best believe, I was charged for two orders. Not a chance there were 4 hash browns in that bag. I hand the nice lady a single Lincoln and I get a medium (and oh god, how much has medum shrunk?) orange juice, two hash browns, and some coins back. 

Seriously? I don't think McDonald's are franchised like gas stations, and that really shouldn't matter anyway. There is a dark, disturbing answer at the bottom of this problem, and I'm not sure I want to know what it is.

The only positive from this experience is that at McDonald's, if you pay with a credit or debit card, all you have to do is swipe it. That's all. No pin, no confirm button, no signature, just a swipe. I have yet to experience this anywhere else in America. You would think someone else would get on the ball and have this technology readily available at their respective business. 

I guess no one is as smart as the golden arch.

Happy Wednesday!

I've always been a fan on Wednesday. More drastically contrary, I don't mind Monday that much and I never saw the big deal with Friday. Maybe I like Wednesday so much because (pathetic excuse for a segue in three... two... one...) Top Chef airs that day. Now that I've brought up, I'm very excited over the announcement of Top Chef Masters coming up in June. After a thoroughly disappointing season full of stale, trite chefs (Danny, Leah) and glorified cooks (Ariane), we get a field worthy of this genuinely respected title.

I can't wait to see how these established culinary figures react to the somewhat unreasonable restrictions of the competition and constant criticism from people they might consider themselves superior to. No, I'm not referring to Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi because *GASP if you take gossip way too seriously* they're not the hosts for this latest incarnation. If you bothered to click the link, you'll see the judges seem to be legit and right along the lines with the Top Chef formula, all the way down to the scowling, overzealous British food critic.

Speaking of Top Chef judges (much stronger segue in three... two... one...) Carl's Jr knows exactly how to market to the James McDonagh demographic:

That truly was brilliant. Wait, did I say brilliant? What I meant to say was ridiculous.

(Cue informercial voice)

Have you ever found yourself wrapping up a nice, relaxing shower only to realize you forgot to bring a towel!? Worse yet, you're all alone in the house and the only fabric in the bathroom is your dirty laundry and that rancid bathmat! For years you've found yourself scampering down the hallway, dripping water from your various dangling parts. Well, struggle no more! With my patented new method you'll find yourself enjoying a smooth, casual stroll to that rogue towel!

Step 1: Do the twist
Step 2: Put your left leg in
Step 3: Put you left leg out
Step 4: Put your left leg in and shake it all about
Step 5: Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around
Repeat steps 2-5 with your right leg

And that's what it's all about! Yes, I actually just did this.

Now that I think of it, I bet dulce de leche sex would be a blast

As much as I would like to, I simply cannot get myself to like vanilla. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why, in a world where something as wonderful as chocolate exists, would one opt for vanilla? Don't try and cite variety as a reason either. As Edmund recently pointed out, there are endless possibilities beyond chocolate and vanilla. And why, in a world where everyone must confront issues of trans fat, cholesterol, heart disease, etc., would one squander the indulgence of ice cream on something as boring as vanilla? That's all vanilla is to me: boring.

I might be one man bitching about trivial subjects, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. There's a reason we have the phrase "vanilla sex." Not rocky road sex or chocolate chip cookie dough sex. Vanilla sex. The good book has my back on this one. Look at the picture and tell me that woman isn't bored out of her mind.




I rest my case.

Writing about food makes me hungry

I've been in L.A. for almost a month now and the only consistent things in my life have been sleeping and eating. Since nobody wants to know about the horrifying images I conjure up in my dreams, how about I offer up some of my initial thoughts on the food here?

I'm not a big fast food guy, but I can see In-N-Out Burger becoming a problem. The double-double is the best fast food burger I've ever had in my life, and I used to be the fat kid. Throw in the artery clogging wonder of animal style and you've got yourself one top notch joint.

Although I haven't been to too many taco trucks yet, I'm very pleased with what I've seen. All of the taco trucks I've been to have three qualities I always flock to: cheap, simple, and delicious. So far the best one is Taco Zone in Silver Lake. I'd be more specific about the location but leaving it open gives me a nice segue to link to this handy article about taco stands that mentions Taco Zone. According to said article, Taco Zone is quite popular on Yelp. I wouldn't know about that. I tend to distrust websites frequented/run by overbearingly hip people.

Now burgers and tacos are great, but you're probably thinking to yourself, "This is L.A. Where's the healthy food at?" I have one (compound) word for you: YOGURTLAND. Yogurtland is easily my favorite thing about L.A. right now. Yes, I included friends, sunshine and free housing when I considered that statement. Yogurtland trumps all of those things. If nothing else, Yogurtland's existence means I never have to set foot in Pinkberry, which is kind of a big deal for the misanthrope in me. Perhaps it's contradictory that I'll go to the quite popular Yogurtland, but it's too late anyway. I'm totally hooked. You get your choice of 16 delicious flavors- Plain Tart, Blueberry Tart, Bananas Foster, Pistachio, I could keep going- and more toppings than I could count, ranging from fresh fruit to candy (I put kitkats on top of my cheesecake yogurt the other day) to typical toppings like sprinkles and caramel. I'm a big fan of putting some condensed milk on top of my yogurt construction to add a little creaminess. Oh, did I mention it's DIY and costs 30 cents/ounce? That's $4.80/pound. I've yet to spend $5 there and believe me when I tell you I really pile it on. Of course, it's still yogurt and if you manage to eat less than a pound and stay away from the candy you're looking at a cheap, healthy, scrumptious treat.

One more thing about Yogurtland to all you NYC readers. They just opened a location in Greenwich Village! Go! Right now! Stop reading! Exclamation points!!!
The website is www.yogurt-land.com. Please note the hyphen.


And now, to paraphrase the only comedians ever worthy of the "genius" tag*, here's something completely irrelevant:

*All due respect to Richard Pryor, George Carlin and Woody Allen.

Bad TV = Drugs

What's the difference between bad television and drugs? The answer is nothing. Bad TV = Drugs

For all those people sitting on their couches shooting up heroin or holding a remote control watching some bad reality show, I pronounce you all... the same.

Addicts.

If I were to sit down and watch Housewives of New York City, I bet that I would be hooked too. But I'd prefer to die from a cocaine overdose.