Unreasonable

Grocery stores sure do make it difficult to get a frozen vegetable pizza that doesn't have either mushrooms or olives on it. I've comprismised my ideals by accepting the fact that artichoke might be a constant topping, but I've come to believe that part of the reason every single pizza has mushrooms on it is that American food distributors lack creativity, and furthermore, might be so ignorant as to not even be able to come up with 3 other vegetables they could put on a pizza. I could list at least 7 I like.

Tomato is a fruit, yet there seem to be no fruit/vegetable topping combos on pizza these days. Are we to believe vegetarians don't like fruit, or that vegetarians are the only people to eat pizza without meat? Personally I love pineapple on pizza, but I understand that many find such an inclusion disgusting. Still, there are other fruit on the Earth, and we are limiting ourselves. 

I watched the series premiere of "Kings" on the internet last night. In one particular scene, a group of soldiers are lounging about the desert, unprepared for the imminent attack that is soon to follow. There is a brief moment and bit of dialogue revolving around around one of the main charcters smoking a cigarette. It is an American Spirit, a fact made very clear by the ridiculous amount of camera focus and clarity on the cigarette itself. At this point, the suspension of disbelief ends for me. First of all, and I say this as someone who has been around more American Spirits than nearly every American living on the east coast, why would they have us believe a soldier in the line of duty is smoking a Spirit? It takes much longer to smoke than every other regular sized cigarette available, and does not provide the harsh drag that one might assume a soldier smoking cigarettes would want right before battle. In fact, it is the only cigarette I've ever seen where it is proper to twist out some of the tobacco rather than packing it in. This lone moment is far more urealistic to me than every fairly fantastical element of the show. I mean fantastical as in unlikely, not fantastic. 

The only reasons for this eggregious error I could come up with are: it is an advertising ploy, people who make tv shows assume 99.8% of the viewing audience are stupid, the eagle symbol on the cigarette almost resembles the butterfly symbol which appears like 197 times during a single episode of "Kings", or that perhaps we are supposed to insinuate that the reason the soldiers featured were so unprepared for the attack was because an American Spirit take so damn long to smoke. Either way, I am confident that a Spirit is more of a converstaion, video game, or driving cigarette, but certainly not a wartime smoke. 

The worst of the worst

And the best of the best.

I present a list of the premier Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavors.

5. Strawberry Cheesecake

4. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk

3. Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

2. Cinnamon Buns

1. Creme Brulee

Just missed the cut: Brownie Batter, Vanilla Caramel Fudge, One Cheesecake Brownie, Smores

*Imagine Whirled Peace might get there someday, as #5 falls out of favor with me.

New Flavors that sound interesting, or ones I haven't had/can't remember: Mango Mango, Fossil Fuel, Cake Batter, Peanut Butter Cookie Dough, Orange & Cream, Vanilla Fudge Brownie, Sweet Cream & Cookies

Complaints: 

Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch used to have toffee in the title, but someone apparently chose to take it out? Great decision...

My Dad's all time favorite flavor (Coffee, Coffee, Buzz Buzz Buzz) is still listed as being in existence, but I haven't seen it in any store for over 6 years.

Pistachio Pistachio is the worst ice cream I've ever had.

Kobe is still the best basketball player on earth, but...

Lebron James on 60 Minutes.

That Ain't Right

According to this story from CNN, South African officials have found a way to hold an international peace conference that explicitly excludes the Dalai Lama. Apparently, it's not in South Africa's best interests to grant the Dalai Lama a visa to attend the conference. I guess I see where they're going with this. I mean, he's only the most recognizable, beloved ambassador of peace and tolerance in the world today. I bet people won't even notice his absence with heavy hitters like Desmond Tutu around. What's that? Oh, it seems Desmond Tutu and F.W. De Klerk (former South African president) intend to boycott the event if the Dalai Lama is not allowed to attend. Well, there's always Charlize Theron!

"These conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do"

Currently a panel of 3 judges is attempting to decide the outcome of the 2008 Minnesota Senate race, deliberations having begun the week before last. One might then assume that there would be a decision in the upcoming week, but such a person probably lives in Sweden, where I hear things are somewhat reasonable. I feel like the chances of a ruling happening this week are too good to describe as "optimistic at best", but much worse than "possible". If I was writing a mad lib, this sentence would be replaced by "But I'm no ___" (give me your best noun, political pundit).

I am positively underqualified to write mad libs.

If you are a Franken fan, the good thing is that for once in the shameful history of electoral courtroom battles in America, it is the Republican who is challenging the final count. Granted this "final tally" succeeds its fair share of recounting, but as far as our collective attention span goes, it could easily appear that Coleman is the sore loser. There is some recent precedence-in 2004, Christine Gregoire (D) won a recount challenge over Dino Rossi (R) in Washington, and eventually became governor.

Currently, Franken has won the election by 225 votes. It should also be noted that if Norm Coleman loses this ruling, he may appeal to the Minnesota State Supreme Court. I can't say for sure how many exact avenues there are to continue on with challenging the count after that.

I'm happy for these reasons:

Coleman got in by winning an election against last minute fill in Walter Mondale (Reagan's 1984 opposition) after popular incumbent Sen. Paul Wellstone died in a plane crash days before the 2002 election. Coleman probably would have lost had the news media not framed the Democrats' selection of Mondale as an untimely act of joy and ambition, at a time when mourning would have been more appropriate.

Coleman is a right wing hawk trying to disguise himself behind a moderate's mask, but he couldn't possibly ever cast a vote that didn't vacuum at least a little bit of humanity and decency out of our world, and who sweats moderates that much anyway?

He switched from the Democratic party to the GOP while in the middle of his term as mayor of St. Paul.

While opposing the Vietnam War in the 70's Coleman issued the quote which is the title of this post. Not surprisingly, he's since felt binded to vote for the Iraq war and oppose the legalization of marijuana.

In December, I told this woman who lives in Minnesota that Franken was definitely going to win, even though he was behind at the time. She confidently disagreed. Then I made two shots in a row in pool, fradualently acting like such an act was somehow commonplace in my life.

Perhaps this photo would be more appropriate.

Two Afternoon Quickies

1. As I was pulling into Walgreen's earlier, there was a pigeon on the road. The pigeon in question was either really stupid (even by bird standards), had a death wish, or possibly both. I seriously considered slamming on my brakes as I watched the front of my car slowly roll over the suicidal bird. What happened to flying away for fear of getting crushed by enormous moving objects? George Costanza put it best during his squirrel conflict: "We had a deal!" Relax, the pigeon was fine, but I did spot it later on hanging out in a turning lane. Let's hope he/she/it doesn't represent the whole pigeon population of L.A.

2. In the aforementioned Walgreen's, there was a great man who seemed to have misplaced his sense of shame. I was lucky enough to be a mere ten feet away as he approached a clerk and literally yelled, "Do you work here?... Where's the Preparation H!?" God bless you and your inflamed unmentionables, good sir.

Warming Up

I know some of you have been waiting for me to write a post about my recent cross-country journey. Rest assured, it's coming soon, just not today. In the two weeks I've spent here in Los Angeles I don't feel like I've had the proper time to reflect on my trip and the many highs and lows I experienced throughout. So consider this a teaser as I offer up some of my early impressions of L.A.

So far, the big thing I have to reconcile with is the fact that L.A. really isn't a city to me. I think the best term to describe the geography and layout is that of a suburban metropolis. I'm not sure if that is a real phrase or if I just made it up. I really hope I made it up as it's one of my minor dreams to create a dictionary worthy word or phrase. Anyway, it's been a major adjustment period for me (and still is) as I come to terms with living in a gigantic suburban area masquerading as a city. I guess that brings up one of the pitfalls of growing up in New York; nothing, with the exceptions of Tokyo and possibly London, feels like a city once you've seen what a real city is supposed to be. Oh well, at least I get to drive a lot.

Speaking of driving, I absolutely love the freeway! Call me crazy, but I dig the high anxiety, no nonsense attitude that everybody seems to tap into the second they get onto the freeway. As I declared to my friend the first time I merged onto the 405, this shit is no joke and that's just the way I like it. Driving in the streets, on the other hand, is in fact a joke.

Further supporting my suburban metropolis argument, people have no idea how to handle themselves driving on local roads here. Traffic is traffic and I've dealt with it enough to know whining won't do anything about it. What I'm talking about is the way people drive during the off-peak, less congested hours. Nobody has any respect for the fact that they're* driving two ton death machines. People cut you off, they pull out into oncoming traffic, they get furious when you don't bend over backwards to let them have their way. Just today, this guy in an Escalade (the first sure sign that I was dealing with a douchebag) couldn't possibly allow me to pass him as he started to pull out of his parking spot. God forbid he waste three seconds of his life allowing traffic to keep flowing. It made a lot more sense to flip me off and nearly crash into the car in front of him. I bet he blames somebody else for his side mirror that was smashed to pieces.

These are the things that have been getting under my skin so far. There are lots of positive things too, but it's more fun to complain. When the time is right, I'll talk about some of the things I like here in L.A. and more importantly, the intense, humbling experience that is driving through this weird, wacky country we call home.

*At first, I typed "their" instead of "they're." I positively loathe this all too common grammatical error that the whole world seems to be okay with these days. Please bombard me with brutal, unforgiving criticism if you ever catch me making that mistake.

It's Madness!

For all those who thought I'd be naive enough to blog about AIG, you may now commence with the disappointment. The aforementioned "madness" actually refers to... college basketball! You might be wondering why I busted out an ellipsis for a sport that few care about during the month of December. Truly, I don't care to explain. 

I have once bracket finished! 

I've had a few hours to mull it over, and I've come to the conclusion that I made some poor decisons. The silver lining is that there are 4 brackets I have yet to complete and then subsequently become discouraged with. I've decided to listen to the Bill Simmons podcast in order to give me a shot at getting the $10,000, sedan, or Gomer Pyle alarm clock, whatever it is ESPN gives away to the lucky idiot who picked the entire round of 16 right including sending local #13 seeded school to the final 4 because his can of PBR gave him an intuition. Or her. 

Over the past few years I've become less enthused with college basketball as a sport (personally a huge Duke fan since I was 7), and thus the bias has gradually been removed for me come tourney time the last few years. Clearly, the gambling enthused part of my soul is that much happier. Hopefully my forthcoming decisions will be somewhat consistent with reality.

Usually, part of my bracket strategy involves sweeping generalizations about conferences. E.g., the S.E.C. is so weak, none of the teams will make it past the 2nd round, or gosh I love the ACC and its 3 teams in the final 4. I do not like the strategy of picking the best player in america's team to win the championship. I believe this has only happened recently with North Carolina  and 2003 Syracuse. This year I plan to do the opposite of all ideas I've ever had, a la George Costanza.

My 1st bracket is terrible. I picked Syracuse to win. Also I went stomping around bragging to my mom about how #14 seeded Cornell is my lock first round upset. What I do know is the following:

1. Maryland will beat California in the 1st round.

2. Neither Louisville or North Carolina will win the title. 

3. I don't expect any #16, #15, or even #14 seeds to pull off upsets, but as the tourney drags, the parody of this season will emerge and eliminate many of the #1-4 seeds.

4. Not all those ranked Big East teams will be that good. 

5. If you're looking for a lower seeded team to make a run, forget Binghamton.

6. Instead think Utah State, Butler, Minnesota, or Maryland.

Why am I suddenly obsessed with Twitter? (Twitter beginners guide)

First question most newcomers say, "I don't get it. What do you do on twitter?"

My first response is: Twitter is NOT a social networking site. Twitter IS a hybrid combo of micro-blogging and social bookmarking.

You know how sometimes you'll IM a friend and say "check this crazy bitch out: http://tinyurl.com/cfspcm" well this site is just a monstrous collection of these quickies. Users post one-liners with links. Certain users are very entertaining and some aren't. You "follow" the ones you dig(g) and the rest you ditch to the curb.

There are many different niches within Twitter. There are news sites that post "tweets" with late-breaking news (http://twitter.com/cnnbrk). Celebrity Twitter accounts such Shaq (http://twitter.com/THE_REAL_SHAQ), Ashton Kutcher (http://twitter.com/aplusk) and Britney Spears (http://twitter.com/britneyspears). Friends who just post what they are doing at that time and place (BORING!). Blogs who post subject lines and links of new posts. Or speciality Twitter sites with links to the latest and greatest sneaker designs such as Soles 4 Algernon (http://twitter.com/nooy).

Ok... so what's my point? Go on Twitter, sign up, get hooked. And then you can check up on Ashton Kutcher every twenty minutes obsessively for no damn good reason. And make your life more full/pointless. I hate twitter.

I figure this would be a good time to announce the grand launch of banteranter's own twitter page. http://twitter.com/banteranter. Follow us! tweet tweet

Change is in the air...

Welcome one and all to the new and improved Hot Sauce With Everything Banteranter! As you can see, we've got a new name. And with a new name comes a whole new refreshing take on this crazy world we live in. From now on you can expect a lot more consistency, variety, insight and overall goodness here at Banteranter. It's like in Super Mario Brothers when Mario eats the flower; same blog as before, but now we can shoot fireballs! Okay, maybe we don't have firepower, but you get the picture. So look forward to a lot more posting and exciting new content. Keep reading! Tell your friends! Go outside and alert the public! Well, maybe you shouldn't alert the public. That would probably be a little excessive. But keep on reading and enjoy everything we have to offer here at Banteranter.