Failure

Listen ESPN, when I wake up at 8 am on Thanksgiving I expect to see Mike and Mike, not Doug and Marcellus. You think you can just throw any nerd and jock combination in there and we won't even notice? If that is your policy then you might as well cut costs and hire me. I'm like a nerd and a jock all rolled into one with approximately 28 personalities in between. You can even call it James and James. Doesn't that sound better than Doug and Marcellus? Happy Columbus Day.

A letter to a letter

Dear C, 

You are fuking useless. You're not fooling anybody by akting like K needs you to go first. K and S spread rumors about you behind your bak. That's what you get for thinking too highly of yourself, asshole.

Love,

25 useful letters

Brian St Pierre sounds like an expressionist painter, not a quarterback

Week 11 Picks:

oakland (+7) vs PITTSBURGH

houston (+7) vs NEW YORK JETS

CAROLINA (+13.5) vs baltimore

TENNESSEE (-7) vs washington

DALLAS (-6) vs detroit

MINNESOTA (+3) vs green bay

CINCINNATI (-4.5) vs buffalo

JACKSONVILLE (-2) vs cleveland

KANSAS CITY (-7) vs arizona

seattle (+12) vs NEW ORLEANS

atlanta (-3) vs ST LOUIS

tampa bay (+3) vs SAN FRANCISCO

indianapolis (+4) vs NEW ENGLAND

PHILADELPHIA (-3.5) vs new york giants

denver (+10) vs san diego

Upset Specials: Tampa Bay, Indianapolis, Oakland, Minnesota

Record for the year: 69-52-2

Upset Special Record: 18-22

Point/Counterpoint

To girls who wear tights in public like they are pants: Your low self-esteem is showing.
To dancers that do the same thing: Thank you.

No Way! Way!

As is prone to happen with any four year old computer, my Macbook and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch in our otherwise smooth relationship. My charger decided it was time to start failing, which is kind of an emergency when your battery already dies after ~45 minutes. I bought a new charger from a third party and order was restored for two wonderful weeks. Then my charger started failing intermittently again. Lots of expert jiggling, fidgeting and finagling would make my computer retain the charge again... as long as I sat perfectly still. Yeah, not exactly a solution. So I conceded defeat and went to the Genius Bar prepared to part with money I don't even really have.

If you've never been to the Genius Bar, it's about as geeky as you expect it. They guy behind the counter knows everything about your Mac and he is less than thrilled to explain it to you, his hundredth customer of the day. So there I was, sauntering up all cool and confident in my scarf, acting like I had half a clue what was wrong with my computer. The dude took one look at my bootleg charger and gave me a look of disdain I thought was reserved for Obama Hitler (What's the difference, really?). He quickly grabs my charger and says, "I'll be back in five minutes." I sit there contemplating whether I can afford a new computer or if I can pretend to be off the grid while I save up that sweet, sweet dog walking money. Then he comes back and hands me a charger. "This isn't in inventory, so you can just take it." Excuse me? You're giving me something... for free? In 2010? At a huge chain store? Did they just fire you?

I would say it's karma, but I really don't do that much good for the world, unless you count not going on a killing spree as a good deed. I just got straight up lucky. I thought that was only something that happened in movies. What's next, am I gonna bond with the quirky girl over liking an indie band a million people listen to but we pretend only we know about? No, that's fucking stupid. Now, in honor of the title of this post...

Time to wrap tourists in bubble wrap

Dear Naive Tourist,

That was adorable how you had your kid on your shoulders in the train. Better yet, it was a totally harmless way to entertain your child. As we all know, the MTA's claim to fame is the smooth handling of its subway cars. It is 100% safe to uneasily rest a child on your fat shoulders, leaving his head a mere six inches away from the roof. What could possibly go wrong? Thank you for showing us the kind of decision-making prowess that goes into successful parenting. You are an example to us all.

Sincerely,

Child Protective Services

Week 10 Picks

cincinnati (+7) vs Indianapolis

JACKSONVILLE (-1) vs houston

MIAMI (pick) vs tennessee

minnesota (-1) vs CHICAGO

detroit (+1.5) vs BUFFALO

CLEVELAND (+3) vs new york jets

carolina (+7) vs TAMPA BAY

kansas city (-1.5) vs DENVER

SAN FRANCISCO (-6) vs st louis

seattle (+4) vs ARIZONA

dallas (+14) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

new england (+4.5) vs PITTSBURGH

WASHINGTON (+3) vs philadelphia

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Detroit, Cleveland, New England, Washington

Yearly Record: 63-45-2

Upset Special record: 17-19

Stuff I've learned

Halfway through the NFL season, and league parity doesn't seem so significant anymore. One 0-8, two 1-7, and four 2-6 teams will kind of do that, and while no one team seems to be hogging the victories, there are still a swath of teams you just know won't make the playoffs, even those with 3+ victories.

For starters, Buffalo may be the best 0-8 team I've ever seen. To the contrary, Chicago is easily the worst of any team with 5 or more wins (they're 5-3), and I believe a lock to miss the playoffs entirely. The NFC north and west divisions will field a combined zero wild card teams, but I maintain gleeful hope that the NFC west winner will have a losing record and then make the super bowl. Nothing to confuse pundits like any kind of gray area.

Realistically, I believe the NFC wild card can only come down to New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, New Orleans, Tampa Bay, with Washington, Seattle, and probably in some peoples' minds Chicago as potential contenders, though 2 of the better teams mentioned will win their divisions. Seattle won't win enough road games, Washington isn't good enough to make the playoffs without sweeping the Giants, and Tampa Bay has a shaky defense. I think the Eagles, Packers, Saints, and 49ers will win their respective divisions, with Giants and Falcons as wild card playoff entrants.

As for the AFC, I've learned to take the points on Buffalo as much as feasible, but avoid picking them as an upset special for the rest of the season. Still, I feel good that they were my choice to finish with the over worst league record prior to the season starting. In the classic AFC vs NFC battle, it seems clear that tiers 1.5-whatever are better in the AFC. Tough to tell if the AFC south is the best division in football; I believe even without a consensus amazing top team, it still is. Even Jacksonville, beleagured and mocked consistently by many, is 4-4, and has a potent enough offense to warrant being the division bottom dwellar in the league.

Denver, on the other hand, is simply deplorable. Without two of their remaining games consisting of NFC west competition, they would surely finish 3-13. I still don't buy into the Browns as a legitimate force to be reckoned with, but they seem to have a great chance of further humiliating the Bengals by finishing decisively ahead of them, avoiding being the last place team in the AFC north. I can't really tell what the deal with Miami is: they don't seem very good, and they certainly don't seem like they're going to pull out many games decided in the 4th quarter. It seems like a case of beating bad teams and losing to good ones, and 9-7 isn't making it into the AFC playoffs this year.

I like the New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, and San Diego Chargers to win their respective divisions, with the Steelers and Patriots to get in as wild card teams. Hardly a leap I'm taking.

You're all wrong

Sandwiched between Brett Favre's dick picks, Vikings players anonymously hating Brad Childress, and this Cam Newton business, the biggest sports controversy of the last month somehow managed to be Kevin Garnett's comments towards Charlie Villanueva.

It's just so ridiculous that people are up in arms about this, that sports fans with no ties to either player and no knowledge of the incident get so up in arms, supposedly completely offended. To me, this shows one of the worst characteristics of human nature: that people act obnoxiously pious in cases where they are not actually personally offended, but rather because they either a) think they should be offended, b) are overly influenced by media over-saturation, c) seize any opportunity to hate on a guy vilified throughout his career despite no off the court issues, and/or d) can't pass up the chance to try and tell the world how a successful black guy should be acting.

I grew up being bad at basketball, playing against overly competitive kids, and let me tell you, this cancer comment is pretty vanilla for trash talk. If I were an NBA player, I might be out on the court telling Kobe I have one of his kids tied up in my basement, or yelling at Gilbert Arenas that he owes me money for that Tonk game from the other night. It's all about psychological distractions.

The most amusing thing to me is what Garnett said afterwards. I don't know what he said during the game, but he claimed the statement was that Villanueva is cancerous to his team and the league. It just seems hard to imagine, that in the heat of the moment amid the frenetic pace of professional basketball that Garnett would have the time and patience to articulate this statement, one which seems rather verbose for trash talk. Does Villanueva even have the time during the game to get offended at this? "Man I missed so many shots, can you believe Kevin Garnett thinks I'm detrimental to the Pistons and the NBA? That guy is totally in my head now. And at halftime he read me an insulting limerick and attacked me for my stance on unilateral trade agreements!"

What's even more hilarious is that Garnett din't apologize to Villanueva, or say something like "Yea it was a shallow joke in the heat of the moment, happens all the time." Rather he takes the time to explain the problems he sees in Villanueva, taking the line of a far more signficant, career-oriented insult, attacking characteristics Villanueva actually has under his control. It's like if I made fun of a guy with a stupid sweater to his face, then decided afterwards to write an op-ed for the whole country, explaining that the sweater isn't the issue, but rather a small symbol of the deluge of poor decisions and life mistakes that have befallen this dude, that he'd be better off not seen in society at all. But to everyone else, the cancer comment was more hurtful?

And here I am getting offended that breast cancer charities brand their products with slogans like "save the ta-tas". People should think more before having opinions; it's a lot more gratifying that way.

I Tried

I try to be a good citizen socialist. I try to do my small part to not be just a member of the deluded masses. I resist the urge to engage in the dozens of opportunities to propogate the culture of consumerism. The world is tyring to make me fail. 

I had simple goals: Coffee, some time out of the house, a comfortable seat to write in. I remembered the local coffee shop proudly claiming "Free WiFi" in its windows. Wonderful, I thought, I'll feel much better about spending $4 on coffee it it supports a small business owner. What did it get in return? A little card with a password for a whopping half hour of free internet, upon the completion of which I would have to pay for continued use of the "free" internet. Fuck you, world! That's what I think of your precious internet. Do you know what options you leave me with for internet in the outside world? Starbucks and fucking McDonalds. 

Where am I writing this from? A Starbucks, obviously. You know why? Seriously, you know why. I just told you. If you already forgot, stop reading this and go immediately to your doctor. You are Memento.

How many miles does it take to get a self-esteem badge?

The marathon was cool on Sunday. I actually ended up in the area where all the runners left the park after they finished and I looked in admiration as they recuperated in their space wraps. A lot of them were wearing medals, which is totally cool when you just finished a marathon and you're all decked out in running gear surrounded by other runners. You know when it's not cool? When you're wearing a suit on your way to work. I counted no less than twenty people yesterday walking around in street clothes rocking their marathon medals. That was literally so yesterday. Now go back to your regular life and stop acting so smug. I'd offer the customary "do you want a medal or something?" put down but you did get a medal. So chill the eff out and stop acting like you solved world hunger. Go back to trading stocks and neglecting your children. I'll acknowledge your athletic prowess when you run a supermarathon and live to talk about it.

Rob Rob Rob, Rob Birrrronassss

Yea, I went 12-0 last week, no big deal.

Picks for Week 9:

BUFFALO (+3) vs chicago

san diego (-3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs CAROLINA

arizona (+8) vs MINNESOTA

tampa bay (+10) vs ATLANTA

BALTIMORE (-5) vs miami

SEATTLE (+7.5) vs new york giants

OAKLAND (+1) vs kansas city

indianapolis (+3) vs PHIILADELPHIA

GREEN BAY (-7.5) vs dallas

CINCINNATI (+5) vs pittsburgh

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Indianapolis, Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Oakland, Cincinnati

Record so far this year: 56-43

Upset Special record: 16-15

Mommy I'm scared!

I'm not afraid of extremists. Extremists are, by definition, a very small part of the whole. They might occasionally stir the pot with a bombing or protest, but they don't make any significant differences. What do we do when the extremists become the norm? I get it, people are angry. We're all angry. The economy is in the shitter and there is no way it's going to change any time soon. I fail to see why this should add up to electing inexperienced, reactionary, naive, opportunistic people to some of our nation's highest offices. Today American citizens are going to elect people who preach about the importance of the Constitution but don't know the First Amendment. People who think the answer to our economic crisis is to stop paying teachers. People who would rather cut public services than scale back wars that spend ten times as much money. These are people too patient to let the president enact changes so they think the answer is to bring back policies of a president who they gave eight years to destroy any prosperity we had. Poor people are voting for people who only want to serve the rich. The top one percent doesn't need public schools or social security; the rest of the country does. People are seriously counting on padding the pockets of our wealthiest citizens in hopes that it will all trickle down. Yeah, because that wen't so well 25 years ago. It could trickle down, or it won't and the middle class will disappear. I hope I'm overreacting.

Snarf!

4:10pm

I just voted...by paper ballot! Take that.

Everyone seems to think it will be complete disaster for the Democrats. Most seats will, as they do every election, not change party hands. The problem is that it doesn't look like Democrats can pick up any senate seat represented by a Republican, unless craziness ensues from the 3 way whackiness in Alaska and Florida. Still, I think they can afford to lose 7, and maybe 8 seats (depending on how Joe Lieberman is feeling) and still be in power.

Nearly everyone sees Blanche Lincoln losing in Arkansas to her challenger. Somehow that would only give Republicans one of the 2 Arkansas senate seats. She's kinda whack anyway. I think Democrats are safe in California, Hawaii, Maryland, New York (x2), Oregon and Vermont (all seats they hold). The close ones are Washington, Colorado, Wisconsin, Nevada, Illinois, West Virginia and Pennsylvania.

Russ Feingold, the incumbent from Wisconsin, is awesome. He's the only senator to have voted against the Patriot Act at a time when everyone decided to freak out in another case of Republicans overtly pulling some grandiose big government shit. Much to my chagrin, he appears to be trailing.

Joe Sestak (D) seems to have pulled the PA race for Arlen Specter's old seat. Maybe he's not favored, but they always seem to say PA will be close, and then poof. I think Democrats retain PA, lose WI (nooooo!), and edge out dead even contests in WA and CO. Like I said earlier, I believe Angle will lose to Reid.

David Vitter is a total skeezbag, but will probably get re-elected in Louisiana, where views on married guys using escort services are probably not that frowned upon. And the only reason I care about that is because he's just a pious hypocrite. Also Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) will easily get re-elected too I'm sure, despite being maybe the single worst U.S. Senator.

Basically Democrats will lose Arkansas, North Dakota, Indiana, and Wisconsin. Thus, they need

3 out of the following 6 battleground states (and all others currently held) to retain power as is (2 independents caucus with Democrats):

Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Illinois, Colorado, Nevada, Washington

Final Prediction: Republicans pick up 6 Senate seats, not enough to take power.

They called it 'Ballot Bowl 2010'

1:30 pm

First polls don't close for a few hours. Nonstop coverage on TV, but I can't find out anything. These folks are getting vanilla; presumably because they don't want to look wrong on TV the one day a year there are actually results?

I never liked Haley Barbour. He paints himself as this salt of the earth, funny, amiable southern guy, kind of like Foghorn Leghorn, but he's been completely consumed by the worst of the Washington political mindset. I have a soft spot in my heart for Mississippi, my mom lived and taught there, it's a very democratic state in its own right and on the local level, and most importantly, I have a hard time believing this guy's policies serve the interests of a chunk of the very people who are voting for him. The difference actually, is that Foghorn Leghorn rarely left the farm. I mean he probably wore his fair share of suits, but didn't go off to town and become a lobbyist before coming back to the farm to try to run things.

Paying attention to polls I hate/don't care about is tough, so I don't really know what's going to happen tonight. I heard a few things, all of which sound stupid. I'll be throwing a few predictions in here now and again.

To start off, let's not kid ourselves and think California is going Republican. It has about 17 million house seats so I can't really speak on that. Orange County is probably staying red? Democrats lose seats maybe. Boxer is certainly winning, and I think Democrats take the gubernatorial race also.

Additionally, I think this election will put psychos on blast. For being irrelevant, that is. O'Donnell, Angle, and Fiorina will lose. Hoping Ehrlich doesn't win here in Maryland.