Just a thought

Is there any good that could possibly come from naming one's son Clay or Chance? Discuss...

Good Riddance

That's all I have to say to Italy after that pathetic display in their European Quarterfinal against Spain. They played for penalty kicks the entire time and never even tried to look like they deserved it. Antonio Di Natale was the worst culprit of this, faking an injury near the end of extra time in order to avoid, GASP, actually playing some football. The most satisfying moment of the game for me was watching him miss his penalty kick and seal Italy's fate. Much congratulations to Spain for taking a big step forward in their quest to finally live up to the hype. I've been somewhat disinterested in this tournament due to England's unforgivable absence but Spain's inspired play has given me reason to watch. I hope they win. Or, at the very least, can somebody please beat Germany? Goooooo Turkey!

P.S Alex: Sorry, but it's true. The Italians played like cowards. Cowards I say!

She's not hot

I don't understand why the media is apparently under the belief that the Obama campaign and/or democrats as a voting bloc fear Michelle Obama as potential political dynamite ready to explode in a massive backfire, ala Kerry's Vietnam service or an old man's love for windsurfing shirtless.

So maybe she said "whitey" and maybe she didn't. And sure it will be pretty fun to watch Chris Wallace, and other various chubby and sheepish white guys who think they have way more moxy than they really do, trying to bait her into saying it again. For 5 months. But if you think this will even reach #766 on Casey Kasem's Top 1000 race baits of 2008, you're deluding yourself. Please save the oxygen for those of us who don't deserve it.

The point is that an overwhelming amount of attention on Michelle Obama will inevitably lead to some, albeit much less, focus on Cindy McCain.

This will rock, and not because she's hot.

portraits or mosaics?

America! Who is cuter, Patrick Swayze or Christian Slater?

I am not talking about when they were in their prime. Not at all.

NBA Finals Preview

Before I get into my thoughts on the NBA Finals, I just witnessed something that must be mentioned. On my way out of my office building, there was a man playing "Umbrella" by Rihana on the piano in the lobby. No lyrics or anything. Just the smooth sounds of MTV hits on a f'ing piano. I wasn't sure it could get any worse for a pianist. That is, until I heard him playing "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne on my way back inside. Sorry, lobby pianist dude. Anyway, onto the Finals.

I'm not as excited as I thought I would be, but that still has me only slightly below euphoric heading into Game 1 tonight. A couple nights ago on ESPN they bypassed NFL Live to show extended clips Game 6 of the 1984 Finals interposed with interviews with players from the game. It was glorious. I haven't been to the gym all week and I feel really bad about it but there's no way I can go tonight. It's okay though because I intend on running to the train station in hopes of catching every possibly minute of pre-game I can. The series could be a total bust and I'll still be satisfied with all the old highlights and (hopefully) interviews with Bird and Magic. Here's a few scattered thoughts and then a quick breakdown of how I think things might play out.

I wonder if there are any betting lines on the appearances made by old players during the series. Here are a few prop bets I will totally blow my money on if I can find them on Bodog:

• Total number of times Magic Johnson and Larry Bird appear on camera in Game 1. I'd put a number on it but infinity isn't really a number.
• Over/unders for shots of all other old players in Game 1. I'll put the line at 2.5 for Robert Parish, 1.5 for James Worthy, and 0 for Kareem because he's a jerk. Actually I'd put it more at 4.5.
• 3 to 1 against Kevin McHale having the gall to show his face.

I'll take action on any of these bets. If anybody is interested I'm happy to work something out.

While I'm on the topic of prop bets, I would confidently bet Kobe doesn't make it through the first half of Game 3 without making some sort of contact with Jack Nicholson. Who am I kidding? This bet won't even last until tip-off.

I know the fans in LA supposedly get into it during the games, but it's hard to root for the Lakers when I really don't think the city cares that much. Celebrity support aside, LA just isn't much of a sports town. I despise Boston but you can never argue with the passion of the sports fans there. People must be completely losing it in Boston. I feel sorry for all of the girls working at the Hooters across the street from the TD Banknorth Garden right now.

May god have mercy on Sasha Vujacic if he has any sort of run-in with Kevin Garnett. KG will make that little punk piss his pants if he tries to pull anything. I'd totally bet on this too.

If the series goes seven games, everybody will be treating KG like a pitcher in the 8th inning of a no-hitter. Wound up doesn't even begin to describe how he will be feeling at the point. Touching him could have the same effect of setting off a nuclear explosion. He won't even be able to put together a complete sentence at that point.

Sam Cassell and Vladimir Radmonovic should be barred from entering the building. It amazes me that one of them will have a championship ring at the end of this.

I haven't been watching too much Sportscenter so it might have been mentioned already, but isn't it interesting that Phil Jackson is facing the Celtics in his attempt to break the tie with Red Auerbach for most NBA Championships? I'll call it right now that this becomes a significant storyline if it goes to Game 7 in Boston.

I clearly know nothing real about these things so I'll spare you my attempts at true insight and go into five key factors like they do before the game to simplify things for the tv audience.

1) The Lakers are better than the Celtics in almost every way. They're deeper, younger, better coached and they have the best player of the post-Jordan era. None of this will matter if they can't stop Kevin Garnett. The only thing working for them here is that Garnett is an extremely unselfish player. But if he decides to become the Celtics' go to guy this could end up very bad for Los Angeles. Who guards him? With the exception of the great work he did against Tim Duncan, Gasol is little more than a nuisance and Odom will simply get pushed around. They have to send a mix of double teams if they hope to stop him. But that only works out favorably for the Lakers if Rondo continues to struggle from the field.

2) Kobe Bryant will probably be on Auto-Black Mamba as soon as games hit the fourth quarter. The Celtics are an amazing defensive team but Kobe has that "there's no f'ing way you're going stop me" factor that causes perplexing things like winning Game 1 of the West Finals and grown men crying. As long as games are within ten points in the fourth and Kobe has the ball... Be afraid, Boston. Be very afraid.

3) Kobe will undoubtedly takes games over, but if there's one thing he should have learned from this season, it's that he needs help to go all the way. I'm not trying to say he should pass all the time. What I am saying is that the Lakers needs their role players (i.e. everybody else on the team) to contribute more than some people might think. They don't need everybody but they can't afford to have a bad night from more than one of their players. If Odom starts caving under the pressure (a distinct possibility) then Gasol has to pick up the slack and go 25 and 12. Somebody besides Sasha Vujacic has to be able to make open shots and fight for loose balls. *COUGH* Luke Walton!

4) Paul Pierce will inevitably have to go head-to-head with Kobe at some point is this series. I'm not saying he has to do what he did against LeBron, but he will have to at least challenge Kobe to keep his team in certain games. This is not to say that the Celtics want to get into a shootout. All I'm saying is that there will be times when Kobe Bryant imposes his will on the Celtics and they will have no choice but to try and match his scoring output. Paul Pierce has to be the guy to do that for the Celtics. He's their best pure scorer and a complete match up nightmare for the Lakers. Depending on the score in the series, I fully expect him to do this in Game 3, Game 4 or possibly both. Pierce is from Inglewood and he always steps up his game against the Lakers. Add that with the fact that he's finally reaping the rewards of his years of hard work and he could go bananas in LA.

5) Is the coaching match up really Phil Jackson vs. Doc Rivers? Wow. The only mismatch I can possibly compare this to is Mike Tyson vs. every guy he faced before Buster Douglas. Rivers is that helpless against Jackson. All he can do is go through the motions and hope he doesn't get his face smashed in too early. 4 to 1 odds against Doc Rivers crying on camera at some point in this series.

Prediction: Lakers in 6

Holy Guacamole!

I haven't watched hockey in probably five years. I have absolutely no interest in the NHL Finals. Hockey means nothing to me. However, I have HDTV at home and I am totally mesmerized by hockey in HD. I have no idea what's on in this game but I cannot stop staring at the screen. Im only writing this because it's a commercial break. The picture quality is so tantalizingly sharp. I'm kind of freaking out. 

Does anybody read my blog yet? Anybody? If you can tell me the Simpsons episode I referenced in the title of this post I promise to give you a cookie.

I'm not sure I should be allowed to watch the NFL in HD. I might have a heart attack.

Treasure Hunting

According to Terrel Owens' ESPN player profile, his middle name is Eldorado. That's not a typo either. It's Eldorado, one word. I hate the Cowboys and I'm not particularly fond of arrogant, self-centered athletes, but Terrell Owens is my favourite football player. This Eldoarado discovery only makes me love him that much more.

P.S: Getcha popcorn ready!

P.P.S: Not that I doubt the intelligence of you, my readers, but in case you don't know what El Dorado is, it's the mythical city of gold explorers once searched for. You may have seen this exploited by Hollywood in the popular films National Treasure: Book of Secrets and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If you want to learn something real about it, I firmly believe in Wikipedia as a reliable source.

Silver + Gold = The Census Bureau

I'm glad Edmund brought up dream cars as I was talking about this subject yesterday at work. I think Edmund deserves extra points for having a realistic dream car. On the other hand, I have far too lofty goals to ever even consider achieving them.

I actually have two dream cars. There's the conventional "when I'm normal people rich" car and the "when I'm bathing in Benjamins after years of committing unthinking acts that I could never possibly forgive myself for rich" car. Either way, both are flawed concepts that I'm probably better off never seeing through.

The "normal" car is some sort of black Mercedes. This will be great when I'm a sleazy executive in LA and I want to solidify my lack of originality by driving the same car as everybody else in my neighborhood. This car also comes as part of a package deal with an SUV to drive my 2.5 kids to school. If I get really lucky I can have the SUV in that nauseating silver-gold hybrid color they make now. It's colors like that that make me wonder just how bad something has to be not to make it past the development phase. Speaking of hybrids, my first born totally gets a Prius for his/her 16th birthday, right? Remember when I forecast my whole life in a single paragraph? Oh, yeah. That just happened.

The "unutterable atrocities" car is a red Lamborghini Diablo. Not only will I have do terrible things to reach such a prominent tax bracket, but I'll totally be that douche who drives a gaudy sports car in the city. I'd be so vain at this point that I'd gladly bring the Diablo out to go get groceries even though I totally have that old Benz in the garage. And every time my door slowly opens upward as opposed to outward I'll secretly want to punch myself in the face while I maintain my facade of undeserved accomplishment. This dream car thing is a lose-lose situation for James McDonagh.

Why am I even thinking about these things? I drive my mother's 2000 Dodge Caravan. It comes with so many wonderful features including: no air conditioning, a trunk that never opens, wobbly back seats and the unmistakable smell of approximately 100,000 cigarettes. I would be eternally grateful if a man with two lazy eyes in a blood stained trench coat came up to me and said "Here, take the keys to my 1998 Dodge Stratus! It's all yours!" I guess I'll settle for an Audi.

I need a piston

But I don't have a car.

I think some type of 60's Cadillac is my dream car, but if I don't know for sure, can it really be considered a "dream" car? At any rate, it's definitely not a Mustang.

Parallel parking a boat of a Cadillac would be a real bitch. Still, I think it would be worth it. Imagine the kudos one would receive from onlookers after squeezing a huge ship in between a couple Priuses in Midtown. I am so unsure about the plural of Prius, and I refuse to look it up. Clearly parking on a sidewalk that still has the kinda rounded curbs so you can get up on them a little is key. I hope you can picture this in your mind.

Also, driving such a car while being a white guy who doesn't wear skull caps or throwback Portland Trailblazers jerseys would be pretty swell. I've never been through a car wash before, but I think having a cruiser like this would be a good opportunity. Obviously I'm trying to fit as many naval metaphors in this post as possible, without being too disgusting. Also, I think I should be commended for not using the phrase, "I'd like to pop my car wash cherry".

I am glad that James wrote about all the positives to come out of watching the NBA finals, his resentment for Isiah Thomas aside. As for myself I'm skipping the whole mess. The only thing to make it worthwhile for me would be if Ray Allen only attempted shots from half court, made all of them, and drew 6 charges on Kobe Bryant (who, while incredible and pretty likable, whines far too much).

I still don't think it would be satisfying unless after the series Kobe is quoted saying,
"Yep. He got game."