I'm freaking out man!

The UEFA Champions League Final is just hours away and boy am I nervous. I'm excited too, but at some point I realized I'm one of those fans who clams up and lives with his face buried halfway in his hands during big moments. Right now is the calm before the storm and I assure I am not calm.

Why I am so worked up over a little ol' soccer game here in the States? Well, despite Edmunds's cries for objectivity, that ain't happening today. My heart is with Manchester United, just as it has been since Eric Cantona guided us to victory in 1996 FA Cup Final; just as it was when we pulled off a miracle comeback to take the Champions League title ten years ago; just as it was when we reclaimed it last year. Oh, did I not mention Man United are the defending champions? Yeah, suck on that rest of Europe!

My alarm is shrieking at me, which means it's time for me to be start getting dressed and consuming obscene amounts of coffee. I hardly slept a wink last night because, as you know, I've got a big day ahead of me.

One final note: I'm not sure if it's an advantage or a disadvantage, but Champions League games start at 11:30 here on the West Coast. What better excuse than watching your team compete for the greatest prize in club football is there to drink before noon? (Besides any Wednesday in college of course.)

But I know better than Rush Limbaugh (he's just got more money)

In the midst of my roundabout circus of  sports observations, I might wish that James could interject with some sort of soccer analysis. If he gets mad at me for putting him on blast, then the previous sentence will be deleted before our reader sees it. With the Champions League final approaching (be objective James!) and the World Cup only (gasp!) one year away, I'd say soccer deserves a decent quality level of coverage. Thus, I will leave it alone for now. As much as I'd like to analyze any other sport, I will keep in my theme of seasonal dependant analysis, and thus tak briefly, very briefly about the most frustrating sport in the world (Placed in the context of being a fan, not playing it, otherwise the answer would be golf).

Part 2

Baseball (MLB):

I've begun to question whether my favorite team will ever make the playoffs in my lifetime. Wondering about a World Series is just a pipe dream at this point. Yes, the Baltimore Orioles are in what is often the toughest division in baseball, but despite every other team in the AL East making it to the world series since I've been watching sports, let's be very clear about one thing: Every year, the Orioles play the most games against the two best teams in baseball. Sure they spend 19 gagillion dollars a day on mediocre 1st basemen, but it's long been determined that Baltimore's fate has been determined by being squeezed between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox. Such is geography I guess. <---But Texas is in the west division, Houston and Pittsburgh in the central, Toronto in the east, despite being almost adjacent to Detriot, another central team. Which brings me to my most important point:

Baseball sucks.

Any sport where every analyst, pundit, and fan refuses to let a single topic besides steroids gain any significant amount of attention blows hard. It's not just that steroids absolutely has to be the most important issue of discussion for an unforseen number of years, it's that it comes with a mandatory and repulsive amount of righteousness. 

On the contrary, I respect that I can get a ticket minutes before a game starts on a beautiful spring day for only 8 dollars. Perhaps it would be different if I supported a winning team. 

How long until Adam Jones is wearing pinstripes? I can only hope that the big bad boss gets to Longoria first.

So yes, it looks like another season where I won't have a single playoff team to root for, not my favorite team, my 2nd favorite (Washington) or even that small swath of teams that I sorta don't hate: Astros, Twins, Giants, Royals. If you don't have sympathy for the Royals, it's pacemaker time. I guess the Brewers are tolerable, but upon writing that, I've doomed them to whatever position in the NL Central doesn't get you into the playoffs. 3rd, 4th? Who cares?

In an effort for this to be disguised as some sort of reasonable analysis instead of a disconcerting rant, here are the teams currently in the top 2 of their respective divisions (I'll highlight the teams that actually have a chance of winning a playoff series): 

Toronto, Boston, Detroit, Kansas City, Texas, Philadelphia, New York Mets, Milwaukee, St Louis, Los Angeles, San Diego

I probably highlighted 2 or 3 too many. I think St Louis will win the World Series, but what do I know? It's a shame they don't have some sort of stipulation that if an awful team like the White Sox, Dodgers, Indians, Pirates, Blue Jays, etc. win the World Series, then the Yankees, Phillies, Mets, Braves and Red Sox are banned from playing for the next year. That would get me into the game real hard. Pitching used to be important in baseball, even integral. Sigh.

Here are some records which baseball needs someone to make a run at breaking:

Joe Dimaggio---56 consecutive games hit safely (1941)

Hugh Nicol---138 stolen bases (1887)

Dutch Leonard---0.96 e.r.a. (1914)    Tim Keefe had a .85 era in 1880, but I've single handedly determined 12 games pitched isn't enough for my criteria. The 2nd lowest thus wins. Also, I don't understand why baseball picks and chooses which records to ignore. The stats compiled in the late 19th century are appalingly in depth for a society which had a lot bigger issues to deal with. Thus, they are real, and so why does MLB ignore these "accomplishments"? Baseball sucks.

George Strief & Bill Joyce---tied, 4 triples in one game (1885 and 1897)

Roger Clemens, Kerry Wood, & Randy Johnson---tied, 20 strikeouts in one game (1996, 1998, and 2001)

Rick Honeycutt, Gene Walter, & Bobby Witt---tied, 4 balks in one game (1988)

New York Giants vs Philadelphia Phillies---quickest baseball game played, 51 minutes (1919)

Dick Cheney knows better than I

When I used to step back and think about sports from a clean slate, trying for a brief moment to grab at the truth in things that I often didn't see at all, attempting to conceive how sports has completely entrenched itself in American culture, it was because there was a lull in the annual cycle of different sports. I could suggest February or August as examples. 

Sometimes, however, I try to use my brain more than two times a year. I could suggest 1988 and 1994 as examples. The following will be an attempt at objectivity, a description of how I see the  different sports in the United States shaping up right now. I certainly don't mean for "the" to be confused with "all". 

I might be one of the few football fans to wonder if the game is used as an instrument to distract our population from the important issues facing our society. I've been considering for awhile that the NFL may be a regressive force without or culture. One of my main reasons is that if I said the previous sentence in public, I might be beat up. I lean towards fearing institutions which are so powerful that speaking any bit of ill about them is considered heresy. I certainly don't mean for "the" to be confused with "all". Fortunately, I am starting with something much lighter:

Part 1

Basketball (NBA): 

I'd be a jerk, a real phony, not to start here, given that this sport is further along in its season than any other right now. Truly, the NBA is not alone in hoping for a Kobe vs Lebron, or if you want to be "accurate", Los Angeles vs Cleveland final. It's not like at this point the average or casual fan can still root for their team, with most of them having been eliminated already. Not even a diehard fan. It still seems quite possible that the finals could be Lakers vs Cavs, with both series tied at this time. I think any of the four teams could win the NBA title, with Orlando being least likely because I believe Denver (or L.A. to a lesser extent) to be a tougher finals matchup. If you were given a choice to save the world and had to pick one of the four teams, it'd have to be the Lakers, unless you ignore the last decade. 

I'm skeptical of my favorite team's (Wizards) chances next year, but a large chunck of that skepticism is because I can't visualize Gilbert Arenas being healthy and playing. If he is healthy, he will still average at least 20 ppg, and a solid draft pick could set a positive tone, but the highest point of my expectation ceiling is at a 1st round playoff loss. 

At any rate, the NBA has the most exciting batch of playoff matchups since the epic Kings vs Lakers battles of the early 2000's. Finally the Eastern Conference has some merit, and it's not all because of Lebron James. It was kind of amusing in Game 3 that James made the game winning shot, given that Orlando could have played for "the last shot". It's not called that for arbitrary reasons, Mr. Van Gundy. The magic really blew that last one, I mean having one on one coverage on the best player on the Cavs is pretty silly, and you knew James had to vindicate himself after playing shotty defense not moments before on Turkoglu's almost game winning shot. Still, the Magic are truly outplaying the Cavs, and while shooting hot has something to do with it, it seems clear that they are the better all around team. 

The rest of the Cavs startig lineup is barely playable, let alone their bench, which is certificably mediocre. Sasha Pavlovic and Zydrunas Ilgauskas played up to their maximum ability in Game 3, so aside from James perhaps scoring 48 again, I don't know where the Cavs expect their necessary scoring to come from. It is clear the Magic are going to make shots. Moe Williams improved his performance from Game 1, but the team is simply not as deep as the Magic. Rashard Lewis is playing phenomenally. With that being said, I guess you'd still have to give Cleveland the advantage if they make out of Orlando and game 4 with a split. Without a doubt the huge edge many pundits and analysts thought Cleveland had is simply not present. The Magic aren't even playing unreasonably well, but they are making clutch shots. With added production from Courtney Lee and Rafer Allston, the Magic could win this series. Their frontcourt is taking care of business. Much like another frontcourt...

That of the Nuggets. My goodness, Carmelo Anthony is a monster in the post. He probably won't continue to shoot as well as he has from the outside, but that may not matter if Billups can actually make a 3 in the 1st half, or if Anthony keeps dominating on the inside. Sure, he looks kinda out of shape and doesn't play transition D, but he's holding his own against the best player in the NBA. Kobe, I expect will continue to play awesomely, and make what seems to be 99.99% of his free throws. The Lakers bench has played decently, but not playoff worthy. I am skeptical whether Phil Jackson will be willing to give his "B" group (Walton, Farmer, Brown, Vujacic) the minutes necessary to make a huge impact. He may not need to with Bryant going for 30 every game, but if Ariza has a small output and Odom continues to be contained, the Lakers could be in trouble, especially with 2 games in a row in Denver.

  Still, it's doubtful how much of an impact Kenyon Martin and Nene Hilario are going to have, it seemed like maybe Martin hit his ceiling with 16 points in game 2. Pao Gasol may not be great on the defensive end, but he is holding his own on the offensive end, certainly with the amount of rebounds on that side of the floor. If the Nuggets don't have a more well rounded output, the Kobe+Gasol+Odom output may be enough to win 3 more games. The coaching coming from the Nuggets side does not seem to be optimal, but I can imagine their bench being the difference maker. Consider me surprised if J.R Smith goes for 25 though. However, If Derek Fisher continues shooting 3 pointers, the Nuggets have an awesome chance. It feels strange to say this, but they seem like a more organized team at this point. At least, they seem to be playing like it. Honestly, I was just shocked to see Kobe Bryant get called for a foul in the 2nd half of a playoff game. It seems acting extremely indignant and surprised at every call that doesn't go your way is not the all encompassing solution to basketball we all thought it was.

Teams on the upswing for next year: 

Portland, New Orleans, Orlando, Charlotte, Miami, Philadelphia, and Houston. 

Teams on the downswing for next year:

Detroit, Boston, Indiana, Chicago, Dallas, and San Antonio.

Vote now! NBA / Kobe argument between TBK! and James

FONT GUIDE SO YOU KNOW WHO'S SPEAKING:

this font = TBK!

this font = James

PLEASE VOTE FOR THE WINNER:

THE CONVERSATION:

fuck

i hate myself and that show now

i might have to miss next week if there's a game

it would be game 6 lakers

a show that doesn't pay isn't worth it

if i remember correctly

yeah fuck that im watching the game

yes i'm right

thats gonna be the end of the series

game 3 = game 7

huh?

i stand by my claim the winner of game 3 wins game 4

and then that shit it over

*is

but that mainly because i think the nuggets will win game 3

i almost typed nuggers again

now im really self-conscious again

u are buggin gout

these predictions that make no sense

it makes perfect sense of the nuggets win

the lakers dont have enough heart

kobe does

but hes one man

don't talk to me

and the game isnt just played in the 4th quarter

these broad statements bother me

what if im right?

thats what ed said about his 1st round predictions

"what if i'm right?"

what if the lakers have been overconfident all season and now they're panicking because they didn't expect this much resistance until the finals

thats how phil coaches

what if their bench sucks right now

like duh, fucking obviously

what if derek fisher is a liability

what if you don't know very much

what if kobe is actually an asshole and can't motivate his team

they made it to the finals last year

are you nuts

these are all red flags the lakers need to worry about

you are a fuckign moron

they played the spurs

you don't know that much about basketball

you need to step off

ok

winner of game 3 wins game 4

teams don't make it to the finals

ill be happy if it doesnt happen

i want to see a good series

i predicted nuggets to be up 2-1 and lakers to win game 1

but that's more of a huntch

i would never try to back that w/ fact

i also think the lakers win in 7

im saying this is my hunch

so therefor lakers would win game 4

and youre asking me to defend it

so i am

u were not saying it was a huntch

u were saying ridiculous things

like their bench is no good

and kobe is an asshole

like the lakers bench is suckign and kobe is an asshole?

they are better than last year

those seem true to me

and last year they made it to the finals

so therefor everything you're saying is an absolute ridiculoulsness

so because they're better they automatically make it to the finals

?

no

because that's the attitude the lakers seem to have sometimes

thats not what i said

and that's why im worried they wont make it back

THAT IS THE ATTITUDE EVERY BULLS WINNING TEAM HAD

do you not remember

and every shaq kobe team had

over confident

turn it off and on

the lakers are not the bulls

same old shit

kobe is not jordan

so fucking what

so thats argument doesnt apply here

u don't know what you're tlakign about

you really don't

i should come hoem and punch you

they are better than last year

they have bynum

you just tried to argue that the lakers are gonna win because the bulls won

thats ridiculous

no

that's not what i said

you are an asshole

bynum is inconsistent and you know it

dont' fucking misquote me

i said you can't be offput by their attitude

that's you used to substantiate your argument

thats how all phil teams are

they are more likely to win because of that attitude not lose

according to history

that was my attitude point

well i think thats wrong

and i dont think they have that attitude either

the bulls were always fighting

na

not at all

and they came in with a swagger like they wanted to fuck up the other team

they played so many uncessary game 7s

the lakers look like they want to fast forward to the finals

you clearly don't have your facts straight

i didnt say the bulls didnt struggle

they didn't play hard ALL THE TIME

im saying they were ready for that shit

phil coaches a patient systemm

u adjust over time

obviously

i dont see it in this lakers team

yes, they're better

i don't care what your "read' on the team is

but its a lot of the players from last year

you are a negative nancy

u read people negativly

and they fucking gave up in the finals last year

no

YES U DO!

all the time

im concerned that the lakers wont make the finals

that has nothing to do with this argument

you have no facts

im saying i doubt the lakers as this overwhelming favorite everybody makes them out to be

u are judging off huntch and reads

they are not an overwhelming favorite

check w/ vegas

http://espn.go.com/nba/playoffs/2009/matchup/_/teams/nuggets-lakers

i know they're not anymore because the nuggets have blown up this postseason

look at the "expert picks"

this is all a very recetn develpment

3 people out of 10 picked the nuggetes!

a month ago the lkaers were a lock for the finals

and almost everyone has 7 games

now they have to fight for it

they were a lock to sportcenter fans

not nba finatics

and i dont know if they're mentally prepared for that

anything can happen in the playoffs i

its a new season

yes it is

and thats why im saying the nuggets can take this series

i never said they couldn't

i actually said the nuggets could win before most people

yes you did

i was arguing against your stupid commments... saying kobe can't lead cause he's and asshole

an asshole

and their bench is weak

both completly ridiculous

they're bench could make the playoffs on their own in the east

farmar, lebron, vujichejch, walton

brown

i didnt say their bench was weak

u did

i said they're playing terribly right now

and kobe is an asshole

"

what if their bench sucks right now

"

is what u said

right now

they're obviously one of the best benches in the league

especially when odom doesnt start

but they are sucking it up right now

trevor is almost as good as lamar

he

he's great

the team to second guess is the cavs

why did you include lebron in the lakers bench?

lamar

**

i agree with the cavs

lebron looked exhausted at the end of game 1

cause he had 8 days off

that fucked them

good point

i always have disagreed about teams winning quickly and getting rest

i thint thats disadvantage

these guys play at least once every 3 days for 8 months traight

and then all of a sudden 8 days off

i think that fucks you up bad

i was arguing w/ u about the blanket statements that disregard nba/phil jackson history

the phil jackson history i cant argue with

the whole game 3 4 thing is ridiculous

is it really too farfetched to the nuggets win game 3

no

i think they'll win game 3

u know i said tha

t

then the lakers shit their pants while the nuggets suddenly relaize "oh shit, we can win this series"

but who the fuck knows!?

see thats where you're ridulous

how is that fact?

the nuggets are already supremely confident

both teams are

u don't make it to the conferance finals otherwise

of course

im not trying to say the nuggets are going through the motions or anything

but they could still have that (wait for it) moment of truth

where it really sinks in that they have a great shot at knocking off the lakers

you can't see them playing up the underdog thing in the locker room right now?

nobody expected this

sports teams love to overdo the underdog thing as a motivational tool

if they hit a point where they stop thinking they're underdogs and realize they might just win the damn thing, that could put them over the edge

what im saying is

ive been hypjg kobe vs lebron for 2 months

and now im concerned

on both end

yes... all teams look for adversary

they look motivation from all places

but they're real mojo

the thing i think u refer to

the thing that they can lose

all 4 teams have their mojo right now

and i don't think either western conferance team is the type to lose it

that's where we disagree

i think the lakers are exactly the type to lose their mojo

mojo comes first from leadership

and the lakers have the best leadership out of all 4 teams

phil, kobe and derek

no other team is that well led

you know i disagree about kobe so we'll stop getting into that

except u have no facts

my concern with them is i dont see the team chemistry

i can back up w/ facts that he's a good leader

yes, he's changed his game to be a better team player

LEADER

i said

wtf

you are not listening

he leads his team

he teachs the young ones who grew up idolizing him

hes not longer a cocky 19 year old

you are FUCKING HATER

im not hating on kobe

you are

easy proof

but look at the cavs the way they act with lebron

that he can lead

they love him

read?

ready?

you can see them all having dinner together every night

i dont see that with the lakers

its not there

whatever

these are more hearsay

no just look at them

its right there

on their faces

every night

hahaha

your reads again

its not a read

its pretty easy to see

obvoiusly both teams have good leader ship

i should say its not a hard read

u know how i know?

facts

because its right there for the world to se

cause lakers went 65-17

cavs went 66-16

u don't get those numbers w/o amazing leadership

why are the nuggst all of a susdden 54-28?

chauncey billups

how did san antonio get 54-28 even tho they are again so much?

leadship

jsut look at the records

why is detroit 39-43?

why is utah 48-34 when they should be like the lakers?

that is not just iverson

or the lack of billups

that team is done

its lack of leadship

leadership

detroit is so talented and skilled

and all proven

they lacked leadership

no larry brown and chauncy billups

thats just as much the coaching situation though

not that im hating on curry

leaderhsip

but they never get consistency

it happens on the floor and at the helm

u need both

yes

its not kobe is some virus that brings the team down

obviously

hes one of the best players ever

but i still say he's an asshole and that has a negative effect that could be their downfall

you don't know him

u are a hater

neither do you

this is where facts go to the side

when u make statements like that

how do you know he's not an asshole

i never said he was a nice guy nor an asshole

i said he was a good leader

they are doing their job

so many assholes are great leaders

who win

but who knows if he's an asshole or not

u equated asshole w/ negative effect ont he team

thats where u move into bullshit land

jordan was an asshole but he got people in line

you proving my point?

i worry that the lakers just go along with kobe

and you can say its all about fact

if it all came down to numbers and analysis, then they wouldn't bother playing

but they do play

hahaha

this is ridiculous

and they do have to prove themselves

whatever

you're saying intangibles dont matter

and i think that's bullshit

they all are constantly proving themselves

you're trying to make leadreship a tangible thing

no, i made a whole point about mojo

and that's only half true

clearly i wasn't saying intangibles don't matter

you made a point about mojo in response to me

sure

i beleive in intangables

i don't beleive in personal things about players

i don't beleive that their personal shit affects the game much

im not saying it as a personal statement abot kob

kobe

u are

that's where you're misunderstanding me

how would it affect the team

im talking about how it relates to him as a leader

because u admit that he doesn't everyhting well

u admit that he teaches them

?

u admit that they listen?

u admit that he fires them up?

u admit that phil and kobe are on the same page?

that's all positive leadership

to a certain extent, yes, of course

ok

you back up your point then

how is kobe an asshole?

how about he divided the whole team with the shaq thing?

he's only recently grown out of that personality

if you buy into that

thats

talk to raaj

and he's obviously a much better leader than he used to be

talk to anyone who knows nba really well

that was all media bullshit

the kobe shaq lakers shit

what about all the trade rumors?

leaders dont ask for trades

yes sometimes they do

kevin garnett would have died in minnesota if they didn't show him mercy

listen

you are ridiculous

tim duncan will die in san antonio

the lakers had been stagnant

u think its coincidence that the lakers all of a sudden picked up mad pleayers

after kobes trade threats

he was playing hard ball

its a business

ITS NOT PERSONAL

ITS A BUSINESS

oh please you can't credit him with that

everyone else dones

that's a garbage argument

he's not the gm

you are not educated

i'm not saying he didn't pressure them to give him a better team

every star does that

he need to do that

everyone in LA credits him for that

but don't make out to be some all knowing all powerful mastermind behind the lakers

its a standard sports business play

yes

not him being a spectacular leader

wait

and it did almost fuck the team up

garnett did do the same thing

btw

he never publicly acknowledged it

so what

same diff

he was so respectful about it

seriously

hahaha

this is more personal

put kobe in that spot

"respectful

"asshole"

these are word that discreditc u

and tell me he would have behaved that way

how he "behaved"

we don't know this type of hting

mang

man

i know how much information was made available

how much garnett didn't complain to the public

and his team was a disgrace

kobe was making the playoffs and we had to hear about how he wanted out

u could also argue that kobe stuck w/ his team and garnett didn't

i mean this is all hearsay

all bullshit

kobe would have left if there was a good team willing to take on his contract

and trade its own star

another ridiculous assumption

WHAT THE FUCK

i read about that shit

u read about the "what if futures"

that no one knows that answers to

because it NEVER HAPPENED

he might have gone to the mavs but cuban refused to give up nowitzki

he "might" have done anything

haha

don't tell me that you know if he actually wants to leave

of course not

*wanted

but there was a ton on evidence to suggest he wanted to

media media media

i never heard any evidence

just hearsay

i never heard that he put his house in LA for sale

i never heard that shit

kobe was sick of losing

now that's a fact, because i can find quotes

is shaq an asshole?

he asks for trades a lot

hahahaha

12:09 PM

hello?

is this convo done?

i have to post it

12:02 PM

you don't go straight to the source

what bugs me about kobe is that he tries so hard to be a nice guy about things

he plays and acts like jordan

he should just commit to being an asshoke

asshole

12:10 PM

more crazy assumptions

"tries so hard to be a nice guy"

u make this personal critisims

and u think these things affect the games

these unproven things affect who wins game 4

ridic!

these personal hunch criticisms do not affect who wins games!!

No, no it is not

TBK just sent me the following video with the question, "Is this good?"



The answer is no, this is an exceptionally frivolous product. Why in god's name would I want to hang out in my towel for an extended period of time? And how exactly am I supposed to dry myself with a mutilated snuggie? That thing doesn't even look absorbent. Seriously, every person in that add is bone dry before putting the towel on. And what's with the pretend naked woman at the beginning!? I have so many issues with this product I don't even know where to begin.

I guess if I had to choose one redeeming quality of the Wearable Towel - Wearable Towel? They couldn't even come up with a kitschy name. These people are awful. - it would have be... TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! Ah, remember when comedies were funny?

If I were a hipster...

I would name my first retro-experimental-power-protopunk album "I Wish You Could See Yourself How I See Myself." However, I detest hipsters and I hate myself for coming up with such an ironic title in the first place.

Does hating myself make me a hipster? I better not think about this too much, lest I become this guy:

And just so you know, I used to watch Family Guy; then I graduated college.

Lame!

I just tried to use HowStuffWorks.com for the first time ever today. Much to my dismay, my search yielded no results. All I have to say to HowStuffWorks.com is WTF!? The entire purpose of your website is to tell me how stuff works. You have failed at doing so." And to you, the reader, if you want to criticize me for never using that site, all I have to say to you is meh, I'm a Wikipedia guy, and after this episode I will continue to be one.

Am I the only person who likes both Mikes?

Sleepless nights have their advantages here on the West Coast, such as Mike & Mike in the Morning coming on at a much more respectable 3 AM. (You can't honestly tell me you're up at 6 AM more often than you are at 3 AM.) Thanks to this friendly start time I got to catch Greenberg describing Bob Costas as "the LeBron James of talking." Although not all of you might have the same feelings about Bob Costas - Edmund comes to mind - you have to appreciate the sports to sports media simile. Sports, sports, sports! Oh dear, now I've inspired myself to share another pointless video.



Annoyed grunt! I seem to have to lost my ability to make sense and/or form coherent thoughts. I reckon I'll go to sleep.

Epic Facebook Win!

If you have as much free time as I do- I assume you do if you read this blog- then you're probably savvy to this quiz craze on facebook. These quizzes are, for the most part, trivial at best and detrimental to one's brain at worst. However, like most things in life, the proverbial diamond in the rough is known to exist. Such is the case with the quiz "Which Dinosaur/Weapon Combo Would You Ride Into Battle?" The actual quiz title is all in caps with several exclamation points. I couldn't get myself to type it out that way. Overenthusiastic punctuation aside, the title had me sufficiently excited to take a facebook quiz for the first time since these things came around. You can imagine my reaction after seeing my result: Riding a dinosaur, holding a smaller dinosaur!

Do I really need to explain how awesome that is? I didn't think so. In conclusion, I rule!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Update*

If your imagination is feeling lazy today, skip to about 40 seconds into the following video. My reaction was eerily similar to what Seann William Scott does. Does that make me a tool? Probably.



Old School Tranquilizer - Click here for funny video clips

NBA Playoffs: Round 2 Predictions

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to keep these predictions very brief. Please look forward to extensive Conference Final predictions in a couple weeks.

Cleveland Cavs beat Atlanta Hawks in 5

w/ at least one 50+ game for Lebron

Orlando Magic beat Boston Celtics in 6.

even though Boston makes a series comeback.

Los Angeles Lakers beat Houston Rockets in 6.

w/ 1 big fist fight occurring

Denver Nuggets beat Dallas Mavericks in 6.

w/ ease... because the Nuggets are now apparently incredible

It was a good one

One year after Eight Belles, the only filly (female horse under age 3) in the race had to be euthanized after crossing the finish line, the Kentucky Derby almost redeemed itself. Truly, by no means of its own though. 

I did not do any research prior to this race, and I had no plans to bet on it. I also didn't speak to my father about the many horses (the Derby has the most entrants out of any of the 3 triple crown races, being the first in the series), even though he used to be a semi-professional bettor of such things.

Apparently near the end of the massive pre-race coverage, the various trainers walk around the track on their way to wherever while the horse are taken to the paddocks, where the race begins. Some trainers give short interviews, and various information is given about the horses (age, racing history, odds, owners). *For all intents and purposes, trainers are more important than owners. Kind of like a general manager of a sports team, but much more hands on.

So it seems like the standard issue stuff for me at this point: You got your Bob Baffert, your previous Derby winning trainers, trainers with 3 million dollar horses, trainers with multiple horse in the race, trainers with expensive italian suits, and of course, horse brought over on jetliners from Dubai. No exaggerations here, this is horse racing. 

Then I see the last trainer interviewed, some guy in jeans from New Mexico, a soft spoken man hopping on crutches because he broke his ankle in a motorcycle accident. Apparently, the dude

has one lone horse in the race, an animal which cost $9500, that he drove to Kentucky in a trailer hitched to the back of his pickup truck. 

I said, "What?" This guy has a horse which costs less than 1k when they usually run at least several hundred k or 1 mil, he's got jeans and he drove his horse 21 hours with a busted ankle? "Oh, I guess I'm rooting for this guy." So the idiot interviewer asks him something along the line of "Should your horse even be here?" (I guess the horse raced his way in), and Wooley Jr (the trainer) says "Yea. He earned his way here." Promptly done with this interview as he hopped like away at full speed on crutches. Oh yeah, I definitely hoping for a guy who makes media types look even dumber to win. 

His horse was 50-1 odds (tied for highest among whole field) and out of the gate, was noted more than once as being dead last in the race.

Somewhere in the middle of the race, I notice some horse way in the back speed by like 3 others so fast it looked like the opposition was going backwards. Didn't think he could win squeezed in the middle of a bunch of horses next to the rail. To say that the jockey, Calvin Borel, ran a ridiculously awesome race would be an understatement at best. 

Cue 10 seconds later and the horse, Mine That Bird, was in the lead headed to an easy victory, possibly making someone feel terrible about selling it for $9500. So much of an underdog was this horse, that they didn't even get footage of the trainer until nearly 5 minutes after the race was over. Usually they have immediate reaction shots of the trainers in the stands after the race ends, jumping gleefully in some fine suit next to a trophy chick with a 5 ft wide hat on. In fact, it was the 2nd biggest upset in Kentucky Derby history.

Post race interview with Wooley Jr, the winning trainer:

Interviewer: [People] didn't even know who you were!

Wooley: Well they know me now, don't they?

Interviewer: [blah blah blah, what now?]

Wooley: Maybe now someone can talk about something besides the drive up here. (walks away)

Totally worth it. Whoever was watching Phillies vs Mets or the NBA playoffs should be ashamed of themselves.

Maybe he should just work at the dog pound

Thanks to anothergradstudentcliche for sending this article my way. It inspired me to think a little about second class quarterback and world class monster Michael Vick. This is what I have to say:

PETA is a retarded cult, and this only reinforces that assessment for me. My biggest issue with this is that I have serious doubts as to whether Michael Vick is truly reformed, at least with regards to his ethical treatment of animals. I'm sure he regrets a lot of it, but I'd be very surprised if he genuinely cares about animals these days. If I had to wager a guess as to what his true intentions are with this move, I would say it's a calculated move to improve his chances of playing football again.

There are so many variables in play for Vick's potential comeback. A lot of debates are focusing on which teams, if any, would be willing to take him, but a lot of people forget that he has to be reinstated in the first place. He's been indefinitely suspended from the NFL since this whole thing started and he needs to make a very strong case to commissioner Roger Goodell before he can even think about playing again. Goodell has been somewhat of a totalitarian, suspending several players for significant amounts of time for what some would consider minor offenses (Pacman Jones, who is the poster child for Goodell's suspensions, hasn't even been convicted of a crime). Although some people argue that he might get a pass on the basis of going to prison counts as time served, it's entirely possible that Goodell is still looking to hand out his share of the punishment. The entire suspension policy is based on building and preserving a better public image for the NFL, so Vick could easily be looking at a serious amount of time (possibly one or two whole seasons). Then, and only then, should he start thinking about where he might play.

I think it's safe to say that, once reinstated, Michael Vick won't have much trouble finding a team. Although there is bound to be significant amount of negative PR for whichever team ultimately signs him, that won't come close to negating the positive effect he will have on ticket sales, jersey sales, and quite possibly wins. Considering the financial state we are in right now, there will be plenty of teams willing to take him on for the sake of generating more revenue. Add that to fact that Vick is still one of the most talented athletes to ever play in the NFL and I don't think he'll have much of a problem finding a new home.

All that being said, fuck Michael Vick. I hope he breaks both his legs on his first day at his construction job and never plays football again. Better yet, I hope he makes a sincere effort to work hard and totally rebuild his image, then gets suspended for life anyway.