It's John Cusack or Danny Glover

The day of reckoning is upon us. As if I need to offer more explanation, I'm talking about May 21, 2012, the day all the stars align, bringing forth unimaginable destruction from which only John Cusack can save us. Since this is obviously inevitable, it's probably a good idea to grab as many good karma points as you can find. What if hell really exists? Nobody wants to be the odd person out on Judgment Day. So do something good and donate to the Run For Change before it's too late. It's for kids and kids are the future until the world as we know it is obliterated next year.

Bragging Rights

As of last week, I have gone two years and counting since my last cigarette. Despite numerous attempts to be a "casual" smoker, it turns out I'm not a woman, so it was boom or bust for my quitting hopes. I had made it as long as five months at one point. The day I started again (I refuse to say relapsed. I wasn't a coke addict.) I was straight back to a solid pack a day habit. At least a dozen more short-lived "done for good" postures and countless packs later, I had crossed the point where cigarettes had anything to add to my life. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I no longer smoked because I liked it; I smoked because I was a smoker. 

No, I didn't up and quit when I reached this realization. I had at least two years of rueing every single cigarette I smoked before I stopped for good. Still, I don't regret that it took me so long. We all quit at our own pace. I quit when I was ready. It didn't come down to some epiphany (either real or imagined) or any self-imposed ultimatum. At some point, I just decided it was my time. Two year later, all the nicotine out my system, I still have mixed emotions about the whole experience.

Like so many young men motivated my hormones and the desire to not look so fucking uncomfortable, I started smoking because of a girl. The girl is irrelevant. Seventeen year old James was ready to grow long hair and pierce his ear if it meant getting girls to pay attention. Yeeeeah, that really happened. (For the record, chicks dig the hair.) As I was saying, she smoked, so I smoked, and I was stuck at that point. It was fun finding a brand- Marlboro, FYI and FTW- and embracing the false sense of rebellion reserved for teenagers who didn't really have it that bad growing up. But that all fades. It turns out smoking is kind of terrible for you in every way imaginable, not the least of which being the excessive trips outside during snow storms. Eventually you realize you don't know why you smoke anymore. Maybe you have piss poor anger management. Maybe every single one of your friends smoke. Maybe you convinced yourself it's part of the mystique about being a artist. Maybe you're me and you pencilled in "All of the above." However you get there, at some point, it stops making sense. 

Cigarettes are an addiction that defies logic. Drug addicts don't just get high to feed their addiction; drugs are fun. Getting high is fun. Nothing is particularly fun about cigarettes. The temporary relaxation, the so-called nicotine hit, is a carcinogenic replacement for the cheapest, healthiest relaxation method in the world: breathing. Smoking is all the downside without any of the benefits. The more you think about it, the more you realize how much you don't want to smoke anymore. So why do I still look back on those years with nostalgia?

Cigarettes are unhealthy, expensive, smelly, downright vile when you think about it. Above all else, cigarettes are cool. The desire to be cool is the reason we start smoking. The fabricated charisma surrounding smokers is more than enough to keep smokers smoking. And when it's all settled in, pride, smoker's pride, is stronger than any patch, stick of gum or holistic scam artist can ever be. I still have that pride. Even though I hate cigarettes, resent their very existence, I always argue for smoker's rights. I genuinely believe bars should have the right to designate themselves as smoking or clean living. Does that make me a Libertarian or am I just a smoker?

I still love cigarettes. Although I believe I have a good shot at remaining clean for the rest of my life - I've already come this far - I still envy those who puff away despite all the research, all the stigma, all the $13 packs. In some way I see them as braver than me, more stubborn. My Irish side admires such qualities. But I'll stick it out. They tell me I'm adding years to my life this way. It's cool, I'll cancel that out with bourbon and anxiety.

Cloudy with a chance of awkward

I was recently stuck trusted with the responsibility of training new co-workers. The actual training part isn't too demanding. We walk dogs, there aren't many nuances to discuss. As I soon found out, perhaps I wished there were was more to talk about.  

Training a new dog walker is not like training the new associate of interdepartmental meddling. There is no office to speak of, no people to deflect questions to, no escape. It's just you and this stranger walking around looking for something to talk about for six to eight hours. As it turns out, one of my trainees was quite pleasant and the other was perfectly agreeable, so I wasn't standing there in silence, searching for new ways to describe how this particular dog likes to shit. But there's still only so much you can say to a person you just met. It would have been ill-advised to bring up topics such as my penchant for mooning my girlfriend or complaints about my mother. Riveting subjects like those are reserved for close friends and anonymous readers.

I do my best not to be awkward, but I'm not Mr. Gregarious either. It's hard to talk to one person all day. When you have so many hours to fill, small talk starts looking pretty damn interesting. The whole training experience reminded how valuable small talk can be. We can't all have the gift of gab. For the rest of us, conversations with strangers can be challenging, and silences can be terrifying. So forgive us plebes for discussing the weather. Personally, I find it interesting.

Mama, There Goes that Man

If there's two truths I know to be certain of in this world, it is that Newt Gingrich is ugly and James sure doesn't like Mark Jackson. Personally, I can't stand Marv Albert, but the important thing is that both the writers of this blog are resentful towards somebody thats more successful than us. It'd be hard to fit in otherwise.

Prediction Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EAST

Chicago vs Indiana

The Pacers are in the playoffs you say? Are they still playing with upwards of 3 white guys on the court at once? How many Australians still get substantial minutes? Whether or not Austin Croshere still plays basketball is beyond me, but I'm pretty sure the Bulls could win without having the best point guard in the league.

Chicago, 4-1

Miami vs Philadelphia

What a turnaround for a team that just last year was the least popular pro sports team in its city. Who am I talking about? Both teams! See how that goes? That's what the kids call a merge.

I'm fairly certain last year the 76ers drew the worst attendance in the league, behind even Minnesota. Now they get to play the most despised team this side of the 1980s Detroit Pistons, and not even the ghost of Eric Snow himself could help.

Miami, 4-0

Boston vs New York

Originally I believed this to be the worst possible first round matchup for the Knicks. Then I decided Carmelo Anthony is going to drop over 30 in multiple games. If the Knicks can hold Garnett to a reasonable FG%, they have a shot. Jermaine O'Neal and Shaq won't do shit. I forsee Chauncey Billups psyching out Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen having a game where he makes like 9 threes, and another couple where he shots like 15%. Melo outscores Pierce, and Amare does something. I mean, he has to9 do something right? Any Landry Fields points are merely a bonus.

New York, 4-2

Orlando vs Atlanta

Orlando thought getting Hedo back would be the move they needed to get back in the NBA Finals and win a championship? Congrats, now you're the #4 seed and you have to play a team desperate to prove they belong among the top teams in the east. Orlando swept Atlanta in the playoffs last year, but that was a different Orlando team. This one has Turkoglu, Reddick, Arenas, and Anderson. Ugh. The Hawks are ready to prove they can make it back to the East semifinals and lose in 5 games this year!

Atlanta, 4-3

WEST

San Antonio vs Memphis

See, the problem is Memphis doesn't have Rudy Gay. Rudy Gay is from Baltimore and in the NBA, thereby inherently awesome. Zack Randolph is tearing it up you say? Alrighty...

The Spurs counter in front court silliness with one Mr. Antonio McDyess. In case you don't know, that means they now have at least 3 players whose pacts with the Devil have yet to expire. Teams with McDyess don't lose in the first round man, are you nuts? The Grizzlies win one in San Antonio, then lose by 31 points at home.

San Antonio, 4-2

Los Angeles vs New Orleans

Phil Jackson is about to have a jarring realization that maybe Derek Fisher isn't the guy to start at PG for a championship team in 2011. Chris Paul is going to make this guy look silly. I mean, Fisher barely plays defense against mediocre PGs. Fortunately for me, this means getting to see some serious (Maryland alert!) Steve Blake action, contingent of course on him overcoming the chicken pox. What a sheltered childhood that guy led. The Lakers are too big and too mean, and Hornets leading scorer David West isn't even playing.

Los Angeles, 4-0

Dallas vs Portland

Lot of noise around Portland pulling an upset and Dallas flaking out for the umpteenth year. I have only one point: This is not the early 1990s. Portland won't win.

Dallas, 4-2

Oklahoma City vs Denver

Division rivals hit the hardwood in a battle of teams who traded awesome players away. While Raymond Felton now leads the Nuggets in assists and steals for the year, the team's leader in ppg is still Carmelo Anthony. Sure, the Thunder will miss Jeff Green...when they get to the 2nd round. These Knicks castoffs are going to feel the playoff pressure, and crumble in the face of Kevin Durant scoring like all the time.

Oklahoma City, 4-1

Do you hate children or something?

Of course you don't. Hating kids is like hating puppies, and if you hate puppies you are just an asshole. Kids are awesome. Look at this guy:

See, kids are all about the win. So be a good human and donate to a worthy cause: James getting in shape! I'm at least partially kidding. I'm running a 5K for Common Cents, a non-profit organization that teaches young folk how they can be better people and improve the lives of the less fortunate. See, it's not only for kids, it's also for poor people. If you hate kids and poor people, you might as well be Dick Cheney. You're not Dick Cheney, are you? I didn't think so. Help me get to my goal of $375 and you will sleep better at night. Probably. Just do it. Don't be a dick. Cheney.

Click here if you are a good person