Picks!

I feel like football is probably the easiest sport to enjoy if you're team surely is/going to be crappy for the season. Basketball might be #1, because of the speed and awesome plays involved, and the fact that an 81 game season adds an air of casualness. I can certainly say that baseball sucks the maximum amount of air possible if you're team is out. Somehow, in a sport in which the season lasts a whopping 162 games, at least 20 teams are guaranteed to miss the playoffs by the end of June, if not May.

Week 3 Picks (pick on left, home team in italics)

Houston (-4) vs Jacksonville

Denver (-2) vs Oakland

Washington (-6) vs Detroit

New England (-4.5) vs Atlanta

Indianapolis (+2.5) vs Arizona

New Orleans (-6) vs Buffalo

San Diego (-6) vs Miami

Thoughts:

I'm sure one can see that all but one pick are favorites. I do think some underdogs have a chance to win this week, but the spreads are for the most part, fairly thin. Seattle hosts Chicago in a possible let down game for the Bears (-2.5), but Seattle could easily lose by a field goal. That's pretty much how overtime works in the NFL, someone loses by 3 points.

The Steelers (-4.5) traveling to play the Bengals is closer to a choice for taking the points, but the Steelers have dominated this matchup for awhile now, and can muster a 6 point victory.

I'd probably pick the Jets to beat the Titans, so maybe I'm missing that game in the above list, but for now I will succumb to my genetic predisposition towards believing the Jets are awful.

As for the picks I did make, Washington can't beat many teams right now, but Detroit is one of them. Everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon of a team that's lost 19 in a row, but they haven't even come close to losing by even a touchdown this season. The Colts are clearly superior to the Cardinals, who themselves haven't played good defense in about 638 years.

Jacksonville might end up having one of the worst 5 records in the league, depending on how the epic battle with St. Louis goes in two weeks. The AFC South divisional games always seem to play to a tight final score, but it seems to me the Texans are on the upswing while Jacksonville falls the other direction.

How much would it take?

This is a vote/answer sort of question. There's just no poll. Listed below will be a variety of foods, or in some cases, things. Out of the following, which price would you soonest expect to see in this country, outside of obvious always over priced settings (airport, casino, amusement park, sports game, etc)? Or do any of these prices already exist?

A. Cup of regular coffee, no frills ---(hypothetical price) $5

B. Turkey/Ham sandwich --- $10

C. Pack of cigarettes --- $20

D. Slice of pizza --- $5

E. Cheeseburger --- $15

F. 12 oz can of soda --- $2

G. 6 pack of any crappy light beer (Bud, Natty, Keystone, etc) --- $12

H. Movie ticket --- $17

I. Ketchup at a fast food restaurant --- $.50

J. Order of french fries, no stuff on top --- $5

K. Interstate toll --- $10

L. The bus --- $4

Week Two

Along the vein of talk radio hosts and burly ex-players who actually get paid to make rash, biased, and formulaic predicitons about America's favorite sport, it's time to break down some NFL Week 2 games with thoughts about the future of the season.

My observations while watching the Week 1 games occured in the following sequence:

The Redskins are gawful; I wish I had ESPN; You mean the Colts are going to play defense this year; The Patriots are so annoying; Week 1 means very little; Oh no, am I going to have to hear about the Jets being good; Wow, every announcer and pundit on television seems to think Week 1 means everything; Wait, it's okay-the Jets won't have 12 wins a season anytime before 2525; The Chargers are overhyped, what a strangely familiar feeling...

Aside: Of course we live in a society where people desperately want Kanye West's career to fall apart because he had an opinion at a stupid, tool-fest of an awards show, but not because he's made millions from several songs that suck. "Home" was good, though. The remixed one. But seriously, anyone who gets that heated because Taylor Swift beat Beyonce in anything that doesn't have "skinniest corporate puppet" engraved on the trophy should find other things to care about.

Like this. If I had enough of my soul left, I probably would have cried. I want to be this guy's friend, and as for the Ukranian who purposely dropped his title in an effort towards self-preservation, holy shit, you are so much more mature than me. I'm sad just thinking about it.

Here's some popcorn:

Worst Week 1 performance- Really, really, hard to name anyone besides St. Louis here. The only victim of a shutout, I should note they had an injured quarterback and had to play in what I believe to be the most difficult stadium in the league. The Bengals and Broncos are very close to winning this one though, as both teams should be ashamed to lose to the other. Kinda like an Orioles vs Nationals interleague baseball game. That week 1 Arizona-San Francisco game is often quite close and wasn't too surprising, but I'm gonna have to give worst performace to Troy Aikman. Don't bet against a repeat next Sunday. Crap, I forgot about the Panthers. They are the blurst.

Best performance-Falcons. Maybe the Jets or Packers. Atlanta beat a division winner, but the Jets were on the road. It could easily go to a comeback fueled victory by the 49'ers who not only defeated a division rival and Super Bowl runner up on the road, but did it on the back of oft-maligned quarterback Shawn Hill, a University of Maryland graduate who is now 8-3 as a starter in the NFL.

Coolest play-Not this. That was dumb. This is what's up. I'm biased. Still, the Wayne catch could only be considered unimpressive compared to the others in a career of ridiculous grabs.

Week 2 Picks:

New England (-4)

Green Bay (-9)

Detroit (+10)

Indianapolis (-3.5)

New York Giants (+3)

Lock of the Week:

Atlanta (-6)

Shoe-in of the Week:

Seattle (+1.5)

A perfect season in the making?

I managed to make it through one whole football game without making a losing pick. Amazing! Somehow I don't see this record surviving the weekend. Onto to the (hastily made) picks.

Home teams in caps

Kansas City (+13) over BALTIMORE [Over 36]

Denver (+4.5) over CINCINNATI [Under 42.5]

CLEVELAND (+4.5) over Minnesota [Under 40]

NY Jets (+4.5) over HOUSTON [Under 44]

INDIANAPOLIS (-7) over Jacksonville [Over 44.5]

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Detroit [Over 49]

ARIZONA (-6) over San Francisco [Over 46]

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Chicago [Under 46]

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo [Over 47.5]

San Diego (-9) over OAKLAND [Over 43]

Quick Hit

Holy moly I made it through another off-season. I'm too excited to form coherent sentences. Here's my first of many attempts at beating the betting lines this season:

TITANS (+ 6.5)

UNDER 36 Points

The Steelers will win, but not by a touchdown. Field goals galore tonight! Steelers win 16-10.

Hooray for unsupported NFL predictions!

And my god, hooray for football! At the time of this post, we are roughly 24 hours away from the glorious return of football. Will this inspire more activity on the blog? Who gives a shit!? Football is back! Now to make sound predictions and wild accusations in the hopes of more than 50% of them making sense...

AFC East

1. New England Patriots

2. Miami Dolphins

3. Buffalo Bills

4. New York Jets

Boy, that Tom Brady sure looks healthy again. And Randy Moss sure is the perfect receiver to go with him. Fuck my life. The Pats are preseason favorites to win it all and it's hard to argue with that right now.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

2. Baltimore Ravens

3. Cincinnati Bengals

4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers and Ravens will once again beat the snot out of each other and the rest of the league. I think the Bengals and Browns can both improve this year, but neither team is anywhere near the playoff picture.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts

2. Tennessee Titans

3. Houston Texans

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

It's hard to see the Titans staying on top with Kerry Collins under center for a full season and Albert Haynesworth gone for that ridiculous contract (7 years, $100 million) from the Redskins. I like the Texans as an improving team, but Matt Schaub is on the verge of getting the permanent injury prone label. If/when he goes down, so does the Texans' season. Oh, and Peyton Manning is kind of a genius. Look for the Colts to exceed expectations and make another serious run at a Super Bowl. Will it be Peyton's last chance?

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers

2-4. Who gives a fuck?

How many key Chargers players have to go down before this isn't a lock? Two? Three? Philip Rivers takes over this year and makes a run at his first MVP trophy.

AFC Wild Cards: Ravens, Titans

I didn't want to pick the Titans here, but they get in based on their easy schedule (AFC East and NFC West) and my belief that there is a major drop off in the AFC after the top five teams.

NFC East

1. New York Giants

2. Philadelphia Eagles

3. Washington Redskins

4. Dallas Cowboys

Am I the only person not buying all this Eagles hype? What exactly makes them favorites in the NFC? Is it Andy Reid's refusal to run the football combined with his inability to manage the clock? Is it that they still don't know how to convert on third down? Perhaps it's the aging defense and injury plagued training camp? McNabb and Westbrook have enough talent to get this team to the playoffs, where they will once again come up short. I'll hold back my other opinions on this division for now because I will have plenty to say as the season progresses. GO GIANTS!

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers

2. Minnesota Vikings

3. Chicago Bears

4. Detroit Lions

I figure Brett Favre is good to lose about 1.5 games completely on his own. Everybody kept saying the Vikings were a QB away from Super Bowl contention. The Vikings are still a QB away from Super Bowl contention. I think Chicago is heading in the right direction with Jay Cutler, but give it a year before everything comes together. Despite my doubts about Ryan Grant as a feature back, the Packers have enough talent and a good coach to get back on top and officially rid themselves of Brett Favre. OOOOOO! It sure will be interesting to see if a Packer can break one of Favre's brittle, brittle bones. I won't exactly shed a tear if it goes down that way.

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons

2. New Orleans Saints

3. Carolina Panthers

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

As much as I love Drew Brees and his bro scar, he can't carry that team alone. If Reggie Bush gets his shit together and finds a way to have a couple 100 yard RUSHING games, I will eat crow here. For now, it's all about Matty Ice, whatever Michael Turner's nickname is and whoever the hell else plays for Atlanta.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks

2. Arizona Cardinals

3. San Francisco 49ers

4. St. Louis Rams

Kurt Warner is 38. I'm willing to bet against Arizona based on that single piece of information. The Seahawks rally behind Matt Hasselbeck to bring this division back to glorious mediocrity. Bonus points to the division if Mike Singletary drops his pants again.

NFC Wild Cards: Eagles, Saints

Expect to see a ton of teams contending for the Wild Card late in the season. Should make for some interesting action around the league. I'm picking Philly and New Orleans because they're the best two teams in the mix, but small changes of fortune can swing this in all sorts of directions.

Best Record: Pittsburgh Steelers

Best Record (NFC): New York Giants

Worst Record: Oakland Raiders

Team Most Likely to finish 8-8: Buffalo Bills

AFC Sleepers: Houston Texans

NFC Sleepers: San Francisco 49ers, Washington Redskins

First coach fired: Jack Del Rio (Jacksonville Jaguars)

Soon followed by: Wade Phillips (Dallas Cowboys), Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals), John Fox (Carolina Panthers)

Fired at the end of the year: Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills), Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings)

Fired if they miss the playoffs: Sean Peyton (New Orleans Saints), Andy Reid (Philadelphia Eagles)

Coach of the Year: Already addressed

Will Michael Vick be significant? NO

Will TO cause trouble in Buffalo? NO

Does anybody care about TO anymore? Only if you live in Buffalo

Will a Bengals player get arrested this year? You betcha!

Comeback Player of the Year: Osi Umenyiora (New York Giants)

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Percy Harvin (Minnesota Vikings)

Defensive Rooke of the Year: Fuck if I know

Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Defensive Player of the Year: Ed Reed will destroy us all!

MVP Runners-up: Tom Brady, Philip Rivers (San Diego Chargers), Peyton Manning

MVP: Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings)

Least Valuable Player: Brett Favre

NFC Championship: Giants vs. Falcons

AFC Championship: Chargers vs. Colts

Super Bowl 44 A.K.A the Obama Bowl!: Giants vs. Colts

Winner: The Indianapolis Colts win the Manning/Obama Bowl! Peyton out-pouts Eli for all the glory.

Thoughts:

If you ever see some random white kid get really mad when he gets carded for trying to buy beer, he is certainly under the age of 21.

Reasons:

1. If he has a hat which reps no particular sports team, but advertises either some kind of skateboarding company or a color.

2. Anyone over the age of 21 merely gives a "Really? This is what you're doing? I don't bring my ID cause I'm old. I guess it's your job. Sigh..." look.

3. Alcohol is sold so many places in America, anyone over the drinking age can just go next door and accomplish the goals for the evening 7 seconds later.

4. Kids and middle aged men drink beer, people who know what's up buy liquor.

A prize for thee, if ye answers questions of three

These must be answered without looking at the internet. If you cheat, understand you should feel bad about yourself. If you don't feel bad about yourself, go to McDonald's.

1. There are two states within the contiguous portion of America which have exactly zero Amtrak stations. Can you name them?

2. What was the last state to repeal prohibition?

3. Which American city with at least 2 professional sports teams has the longest current streak (in terms of years) of not making the playoffs in any of said sports?