Part Deux!

Mike Tomlin does look viciously down to earth in that photograph James provided, doesn't he? I suppose that's part of the coach's charm, or whatever the quality is that appeals to professional sports players. Alas, it is a perspective I will never know. Possible exceptions include the Senior PGA Tour, the Senior European PGA Tour, the Senior Canadian PGA Tour, the PBA tour, and of course my outlandish dream of being a professional backgammon player. By this point, I am digressing too far away from sports branded "athletic". I think I could be good at darts, but to paraphrase Franny Glass, "It just looks so dreadfully tiresome, doesn't it?". 

Super Bowl Prediction:

Arizona 27, Pittsburgh 23.

I was so close to typing 25 after Pittsurgh, but predicting a safety, I figured, would be just too preposterous. 

I do think Arizona is the best team right now. In fact, they look amazing. Big plays on both sides of the field, a domianting turnover margin, and of course the pure talent on offense rising to the occasion. Pittsburgh, in my mind, did not look particularly impressive in their victory over Baltimore in the AFC Championship game, and if they somehow ever have to play in a game where the referee corps don't hand their 401ks to some bookie named Ron with the hopes of the Steelers covering the spread, then they could lose. Clearly, this is unlikely to happen, but this is the Super Bowl so I have to hope that at the very least another woefully mediocre performance won't be enough for victory.

Stuff to consider:

The Cardinals have 8 interceptions in their 3 playoff games. It will be very difficult for the Steelers to win if Ben Roethlisberger throws a couple picks instead of the usual barrage of 11 yard passes. While the Cardinals point defense has not been particularly impressive these playoffs, they have been making some big plays at crucial points. Yes they gave up 375 passing yards to Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles were playing from behind the whole game, and the contract which Andy reid signed to get a lifetime supply of Nacho Cheesier Doritos also forces him to call an average of 59.6 passing plays per game. 

Big play factors. Obviously, this is something sports fans associate with the Cardinals right now, but I believe to be a key to a potential Steeler's victory. Arizona's secondary will have to step it up, because if the last 2 games have told me anything, it's that Pittsburgh has an undying desire to randomly throw at least six 70 yard passes a game, no matter how exhaustingly boring their offense normally appears. If they connect, as they did on a fairly strange pass to Santonio Holmes 2 weeks ago, or rather, connect more than once, Pittsburgh will not lose. I think that Arizona will need a constant barrge of short passes, running plays, and mid range passes over the middle (perhaps to that doofy looking white tight end they have??) to win. They cannot rely on hooking up with Fitzgerald for 80 yards whenever the whim strikes Ken Whisenhunt.  

Hype. Kurt Warner will be ready to go. Ben Roethlisberger will be sacked. James is right in stating that Boldin will be a key to the Cardinals success, and I do believe he will have a big game. If Warner somehow manages to throw zero interceptions, I don't see how the Steelers will win. It just won't happen. Willie Parker had 46 yards on 24 carries last week, and the Cardinals have allowed starting running backs 42, 63, and 45 yards in 3 playoff games. It's not like Turner, Stewart, and Westbrook are the Ian Poulter of rushers, either. I also believe that Joe Crede would be an apt metaphor here. 

Special Teams. Not the fun kind, like punt returning or blocking an extra point and running it back 103 yards for 2 points, but kicking. Just kicking. Arizona's kicker has missed only 3 all year, and he's perfect on the season from 40-49 yards. Apparently Pittsburgh's kicker, Jeff Reed has missed 4 field goals, though I believe this to be the branch of some massive statistical conspiracy which I can't wrap my mind around right now. It probably involves the Freemasons though. I'm certain Reed has never missed a field goal in his life, and if he does shank one in the first half, then prepare yourselves for a 56-14 Cardinals victory. 

The Steelers have managed to beat all of 2 playoff bound teams this year. The Chargers and the Ravens, or for the casual sports fan, the two teams the Steelers beat in the playoffs. That's all. 

The Cardinals have players with names like Neil Rackers and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. 

Troy Polamalu is so overrated, it's ridiculous. Randomly flipping over the line doesn't always get the job done, you know.

X Factor: Tim Hightower. I've actually convinced myself that not only is he the X Factor, but he will be the difference maker, the icing on the cake, and the nail in the coffin. I am certain he will do something. 

MVP: If the Cardinals win I guess it will be Kurt Warner, because the cabal in charge of sports media loves white quarterbacks and only white quarterbacks. I suppose if Fitzgerald goes for something ridiculous like 250 yards, he could get it. We will all know that Tim Hightower is truly deserving of the award though, and I can only hope that the man sleeps soundly Sunday night with such knowledge engrained in his mind. 

What's the spread in the Puppy Bowl?

Obviously I'm not posting too frequently these days and this isn't a particularly inspired one. But I might as well publish my Superbowl prediction. After careful deliberation in the car this morning, I settled on Pittsburgh winning 21-13, which has them covering the spread by one point. I said it wasn't too inspired. Since I'm already writing this, I guess I should pick an MVP while I'm at it. Ummmmm... Santonio Holmes? That sounds about right. With Hines Ward hurt, Holmes is the Steelers' biggest offensive threat. Couple that with the fact that he'll probably return a few punts, I could see him going for something like 6 catches, 150 total yards and a receiving touchdown. That's all the enthusiasm I can muster for this game. My money is on the Steelers but my heart is with Arizona. Here's some more bs I feel like throwing out there for potential "I told you so" bragging rights after the game:

Cardinals X Factor: Anquan Boldin. The Steelers are sure to make life hard for Larry Fitzgerald and people seem to have forgotten how good Boldin is. He spent half the season playing with multiple injuries that sideline most humans for months and still managed to put up Pro Bowl numbers. After two whole weeks of recovery time and questions about his potential attitude problem, the stars seem perfectly aligned for him to blow up in this game. He's also the toughest receiver in the league and has the perfect style to outphysical the Steelers' D and knock them off their pedestal.

Steelers X Factor: Ben Roethlisberger (man that name is difficult) gets this label for all the wrong reasons. I'm actually a big fan of his and think he's vastly underrated, but his job in this game is to not do anything stupid and let the defense win the game. A lot has been made of his poor performance in Superbowl whateverstupidnumberthesteelerswon. If Big Ben tries too hard to redeem himself for that he might just end up blowing it for his team. Also don't be surprised if he goes down with an injury and Byron Leftiwch is forced to step up. Roethlisberger gets hurt a lot and reports of x-rays this week have me worried he might still be feeling the effects of the concussion he suffered a few weeks ago.

Best side effect of a Cardinals win: None really. Almost no one in the Cardinals' predominantly bandwagon fanbase deserves this. Shout out to Drew Brooks, who may the only true Cardinals fan in Arizona. Actually, one benefit of a Cardinals win is the increased likelihood of Kurt Warner leaving for greener pastures or possibly retirement, greatly increasing my chances to win my bet with Edmund that Matt Leinart will start at least one more game in his NFL career.

Best side effect of a Steelers win: America is forced to confront the uncanny resemblance of Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps, leading to Omar Epps starring in "Steel Resolve: The Mike Tomlin Story" on ABC Family.


Dude, stop being chubby, down to earth Omar Epps.

Worst side effect of a Cardinals win: Kurt Warner gets a national stage to peddle Jesus to the public. Listen, we know all about Jesus. Nobody cares if you love him. Just thank him and let us move on with our lives.

Worst side effect of a Steelers win: Even more pissant bandwagon Steelers fans in every major city. Where do these people even come from? It's like every douchebag that grew up more than two hours from a major sports city suddenly finds a way to be a lifelong Steelers fan the second the playoffs begin. You think that James Farrior jersey is fooling me? It's not. Go back to Des Moines and bring you fair weather allegiances with you.

Just to reiterate: Steelers win 21-13 and Santonio Holmes gets MVP.

One last point: How does Larry Fitzgerald not have a nickname? I'm all out of funny so I won't put any ideas out there, but this guy needs to have a nickname by the time next season rolls around.

Enjoy the game if you can. My goals for Sunday only go as far as hoping to get drunk enough to stop caring by the 4th Quarter. GO YANKEES!