Pessimism

I was considering compiling a list of who I think the top 10 underrated comedians are, but being negative is just so much easier. 

Top 10 most overrated songs...EVER!

*This does not necessarily reflect the quality of any particular song listed, as I am only stating what I believe to be the group of songs which have the greatest disparity between actual goodness and their respective hype. I'll also try not to let the amount of playtime on radio or my friends' ipods be the only barometers of how regarded these songs are. 

10. "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M.

9. "Jump Around" by The House of Pain

8. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

7. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

6. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles

5. "Under the Bridge" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers"

4. "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin

3. "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band

2. "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. "Hotel California" by The Eagles

If things work out this way, I'll kick my own ass

Before the NFL season began, Edmund and I made on a bet on our projected playoff brackets. I won't get into how poorly some of our picks have worked out, but there is one thing on my bracket that totally breaks my heart right now. Predictable as I am, I gave the Cowboys the #1 seed in the NFC and, with the fall of Osi Umenyiora (Remember him? He'll be back), I could only manage to justify the #6 seed for the Giants. This all lead to a juicy rematch of last year's showdown. Yeah, so I kind of picked the Cowboys to win the Superbowl. Sure, the Giants won the division and the Cowboys might not even make the playoffs. But this doesn't change the fact that a Giants-Cowboys game is totally possible and I have an irrattional fear of jinxing New York sports teams.

Maybe I'm just perpetuating the jinx by writing this. Maybe I'm instigating a reverse jinx a la Bill Simmons. All I know is I'll never forgive myself if the Giants fall to the Cowboys in January. With my luck, Tom Brady will probably make a mircaulous recovery and lead the Patriots all the way to a fourth championship. Now I've gone too far.

The title is Happy

I've been struggling with a script for a little while now and one of the big hang-ups right now is the title. I can't find any of my notes so I'm publishing this idea where I can't lose it. So yeah, the title of my unfinished script is Happy. No, it's not a romantic comedy and it will have nothing to do with Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, I'm writing a script called Happy and it should be done some time in the 21st Century. Stay tuned!

If I was a film critic...

I could call Magnolia a symphony of coincidence. Alas, I am but a lowly blogger, so I have to put boundaries on my pretentious, nonsensical ramblings. Maybe I can become a struggling comedian and pull out this gem of a description on I Love The 90s: 2022 Edition. And if you're thinking I Love The 90s won't be around in 2022, then you're neglecting the fact that Michael Ian Black will still be alive and lonely.

Plan B costs $40 too

By special request from one of my 2-4 readers, I've got something to say about condoms. About a month ago I was talking about sex with a friend and she mentioned that her boyfriend uses lamb skin condoms. She swore to me that it's almost like having real, beautiful, unprotected sex. I was sold enough that I actually got to the point where I was prepared to buy myself a box and masturbate with one (you know, for scientific research). What she didn't mention is that they cost $40! You've got to be out your mind if you think I'm about to pay $40 to have sex 12 times. It already costs enough going out for dinner or drinks or whatever else is your preferred method for wooing prospective partners. There is no way I'm going to waste that much extra money to put a barrier between my penis and, um... lady parts. In all honesty, I think I'd rather roll the dice and get a $2 blowjob.

What else are you supposed to do with a name like Zooey?

Man, that Zooey Deschanel really is just about the cutest lady ever. I just watched Elf for the first time the other night and that woman is absolutely adorable. I didn't even mind that silly blond dye job they made her spor. I just want to stay up late with her talking about pop culture and cuddling. That's not to say I wouldn't sleep with her (duh!). She just seems like a really good cuddler. Does this mean I'm going to pay $12 to see Yes Man? Hell no! If I want to seem Jim Carrey playing an everyman having an identity crisis I'll rent Liar Liar.

The misguided football panelist's guide to sounding legitimate

Dear recently retired NFL player,

So hear you are, 35 years old with bad knees, chronic back pain and the prospect of a used car dealership staring you down like the barrel of a shotgun. Your wife and kids are excited about all the free time you'll finally have to lavish them with gifts and attention. Well, maybe not your wife, but you get the point. Rest assured, there is light at the end of the retirement tunnel. You are just one call away from a cushy career in football commentary!

As soon as you inform the television networks of your retirement the offers will come pouring in. You might be thinking to yourself, "How am I supposed to talk about football all week? I'm just a player." Well, you're right. Luckily, that is the only qualification you need to be a football analyst. Remember, Trent Dilfer could barely beat a high school team, but it took him all of five minutes to cut a deal with ESPN. By following my easy guidelines, you too can be sitting in the studio in no time!

1) Numbers are your friend
Nothing says "I'm informed!" like arbitrarily forecasting the exact outcome of a game. No matter what the situation is, you can never go wrong with throwing some numbers out there. In fact, the more numbers you put together, the smarter you sound. Being able to confidently predict a score implies that you've done your research. Of course the best part of this is that you can more or less pick numbers out of a hat and still sound smart. Let's say the Broncos are visiting the Redskins. How does 38-20 Broncos sound? How about 24-14 Redskins? You can even have a system for this. Two evenly matched, strong offensive teams? 31-24 for the home team. Two smash mouth defenses? 17-10 for whichever team you like more. This is especially easy when you're dealing with two terrible teams. If the Raiders are facing the Chiefs, there is no score that sounds unreasonable. You could say 34-6, 21-0, 28-24. etc., and it doesn't matter. Nobody knows what's going to happen and nobody cares. But if you back up your predictions with some numbers, they will be eating of your hand.

2) Chuckle at everything
You might not be contributing any kind of valuable input, but nobody will care if you keep laughing and smiling for no reason whatsoever. I know, it sounds like a surefire way to expose yourself as the mindless buffoon you really are. But laughing is infectious both in the studio and through the television screen. The happier you seem, the more people will like you. Look at Tiki Barber. All that guy knows how to do is smile and he gets to sit next to Cris Collinsworth.


Believe it or not, he's actually at a funeral.

If smiling isn't really your thing, you can always go the hysterical lunatic route a la Terry Bradshaw. You might find this hard to believe, but 75% of Terry Bradshaw's "commentary" is actually just laughing at the jokes nobody made. All you have to do is keep laughing in the background and the others will eventually join in. Before you know it, the game will have started and you'll be one week closer to a six month vacation.

3) "I've just got a feeling" is your get out of jail free card
There comes a time in every pre-game show where you might be called on to rattle off some quick predictions for the upcoming games. Usually, a simple declaration will suffice in fulfilling your roll call duties. However, you will occasionally be forced to provide an explanation for your pick. If you find yourself in this situation without an adequate response, do not panic. Take a deep breath and utter these simple words: I've just got a feeling. You may initially feel foolish and fear you've been exposed, but when used correctly, this phrase will gain you the respect and admiration of your studio colleagues. After all, you spent 10+ years on the gridiron. You of all people have earned the right to have a gut feeling. As a bonus, your credibility increases exponentially every time you happen to be right. This move can also be used to declare a certain player will have a monster game or to retroactively declare you knew a breakout star "would be a special player."

4) When all else fails, agree with the other guys
When you find yourself having to engage in some kind of extended conversation about a particular football issue, there is no move more safe and reliable than agreeing with your colleagues. There are many ways to use this move, all of them are effective. The easiest approach is to simply reiterate what the guy before just said. His opinion is fresh in your head and it's easy to avoid providing insight if you act like the other guy just stole your idea. All you have to is prefix it with something like, "You're exactly right" (The Troy Aikman special) or "I couldn't agree with you more there." If you're looking for a more sophisticated take on this, steal the opinion of the top dog in the studio. He should be easy to spot by his calm demeanor and attentiveness while others are talking. If this is too hard, look for the one dressed most like a regular person. If you're at ESPN, either of these rules will lead you directly to Tom Jackson or Mark Schlereth while also helping you avoid accidentally taking Keyshawn Johnson seriously.

5) Anecdotes, anecdotes, anecdotes
It might not have worked for John McCain, but you're not running for president, you're talking about football. Your playing career is what got you here and that might just be what keeps you here. Anecdotes are a guaranteed way to make your audience think you know what you're talking about. All you have to do is say something like "This is just like (insert great game you were a part of)" and it brings a real air of legitimacy to all of your opinions. The bigger the games you played in, the better. People love hearing old playoff stories during the postseason. If you've been to the Superbowl, beat that horse to death. Still, the most effective way to use anecdotes is when talking about non-game issues. Any time you're talking about off the field issues like Pacman Jones or Mike Singetary's lack of pants is the perfect opportunity to humor fans with stories of your crazy teammates' antics. However, I must warn you, never, under any circumstances, let them know how sick and perverted you used to be. Think about it. You never hear Michael Irvin talk about his drug and/or hooker abuse. Rip on your buddies and you're good to go.

And that, my friend, is all you need to know about being a football panelist. Stick to these simple rules and a lucrative broadcasting career is sure to come. Good luck!

The king is dead. Long live the king!

Well, he's not dead yet, but the George Steinbrenner era is officially over at Yankee Stadium. As of yesterday, Steinbrenner's younger son, Hal, will take over control of the Yankees. Despite his consistently maniacal (see: Martin, Billy) and often bizarre (see: Mattingly, Don, sideburns of) approach to ownership, nobody can say George Steinbrenner didn't do everything in his power to win. During 35 years in power, George Steinbrenner brought the Yankees to the World Series ten times, won six titles and saw the Yankees become the richest and most powerful sports franchise the wolrd has ever seen. He will be an icon to sports fans and New Yorkers alike as long as those two are still around*. The Boss is dead. Love live The Boss!



* If you think New York will be around until the end of mankind, you have clearly learned nothing from disaster movies. Whether it be a from comet (Armageddon), a massive tidal wave as result of a comet (Deep Impact), some other ludircous tidal wave scenario due to global warming or whatever that bs was (The Day After Tomorrow) or freaking alien death rays (Independence Day), New York is always the first to go. If the Apocalypse ever comes, I'm getting my ass to Montana.

Oh dear, I'ma go to jail

(Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is in a wee bit of trouble)

Let's just hope I get the Martha Stewart minimum security spa package and I don't get sent to federal pound me in the ass prison.

At least I have my computer back

Safari is such an awful web browser. If Safari were a person, I would mercilessly bludgeon it like Joe Pesci in every single movie he's ever made. I just spent half an hour filling out the most tedious job application I've ever seen, only to have Safari "unexpectedly quit" on me right at the end. All of my work gone. I think it's time I unexpectedly quit on Safari. What the hell kind of name is Safari anyway? I think the internet is well beyond the days of being a fascinating breakthrough. The internet is not an exotic adventure. It's not even a pre-packaged family thrill. The internet is a tool. Oh, yeah, it's also good for porn.

It's like 1993 all over again.

My computer is currently failing to startup so don't expect any updates until it gets fixed. Hopefully that will sooner rather than later as approximately 75%-100% of my personal life is dependent on computers. And my brother just informed me that he found a website that streams live NFL games. On the plus side, being offline greatly increases my chances of not knowing the result of the World Series of Poker final table, which is happening right now but doesn't air until Tuesday night. Check it out Tuesday at 9 PM on ESPN if you want to see somebody win (insert Dr. Evil voice) $9 million.

While I'm on this subject, I might as well post my prediction for potential bragging rights in a couple days. The popular pick is Ivan Demidov, a Russian profession player who also made the final table at the World Series of Poker Europe main event, finishing third. In poker lingo, that's pretty sick (that means very good). However, my pick is Canadian pro Scott Montgomery for no good reason other than he seems like a really nice guy and he's definitely playing to win as opposed to trying to outlast other players to move up the money ladder. I'll also be happy if Ylon Schwartz, a self described former chess hustler from Brooklyn who refers to money as "cheese," or Chino Rheem, the only "name" player at the table, should go on to win.

That's it for me. Off I go, back into depths of computerlessness. The spell checker says "computerlessness" is a word. I wanted to create a word. That kind of ruined my day.

LeBron James is pounding his head on the wall somewhere

My plans to only watch the news today (until Monday Night Football of course) were altered immediately when I woke up to news of the Allen Iverson/Chauncey Billups trade. The Nuggets traded Iverson to the Pistons for Billups, Antonio McDyess and some random center thrown in to make the numbers work out. What a great trade for both teams. 

Iverson is in the last year of his contract and Denver isn't going to be anything special this year no matter what they do. The Nuggets knew they were going to lose Iverson. To turn that into an All-Star like Billups is not just an optimal gain for them, it gives them a pass first point guard to feed Carmelo Anthony (something he desperately needs) and a proven leader to add some much needed composure to the most frenetic team in the league. 

As for the Pistons, acknowledging that their core players from the NBA Finals teams are not enough to get back there has been long overdue. This trade puts the Pistons right back into title contention. As important as Billups was to the team, it's hard to see how Iverson doesn't improve things. Defense has never been an issue for the Pistons; the Pistons lose in the playoffs because they can't score. Allen Iverson is right up there with the Kobes and LeBrons as one of those players you never, ever, ever want to see in the postseason. This is a guy who almost singlehandedly won a championship. I mean, Eric freakin' Snow was the second best player on the 76ers team that went to the NBA Finals. If Iverson can pass the ball and keep his teammates happy, the Pistons could easily be going back to the Finals.

In other news, football is still awesome and apparently there's some sort of election tomorrow. Things are looking very good right now, but I'm not going to say much until it's official. It's not like the Republican party is above rigging the election or anything. Here's hoping I can exhale some time around midnight tomorrow.

You'll just have to trust me

Blogger was being unkind to me last weekend so I didn't get a chance to post my NFL picks. How dare this completely free and remarkably convenient website have technical difficulties! I have no way of proving I made my picks before the games occurred, so you're just going to have to take my word for it when I say I only picked four winners out of twelve games last week. Seriously people, I'm probably not the best person to get NFL bets from. But that won't stop me from trying.

(Home teams in Bold)

Chiefs (+14) over Jets

The Chiefs really are an atrocious football team, but I don't see them losing that badly.

Raiders (+8) over Ravens

Eight points is too big a spread for two teams that don't score points. I'll probably lose this bet.

Chargers (-3) over Saints

Nobody in bold here because I refuse to call the Saints the "home team" when they're playing in London. I'm sticking with the Chargers until all hope is lost. Getting an "away game" against a Reggie Bush-less Saints is a nice gift from the NFL.

Bills (-2) over Dolphins

Trent Edwards for MVP? I hope so.

Bucs over(+2) Cowboys 

I don't see how the Cowboys are favorites when they're starting Brad Johnson against a 5-1 team known for its defense. After hosting the Bucs, the Cowboys have to play the Giants and then the Redskins on the road. Are the Cowboys about to go 4-6? It's a distinct possibility.

Falcons (+9) over Eagles

Don't be swayed by the score last week; the Eagles barely won that game. I wouldn't beat all surprised if Atlanta wins this game. 

Patriots (-8) over Rams 

It's becoming increasingly harder to write off the Patriots. 

Panthers (-4) over Cardinals

Nothing is to say here about these two soon to be first round losers in the NFC playoffs.

Colts (-4) over Titans

We fianally get a worthwhile game on Monday Night Football. I know I've lambasted the Colts a bit, but I do believe they have the best chance of turn things around of all the struggling superpowers. With the recent revelations of Manning's multiple surgeries it's hard to say this team is done until we see him at full strength. Also, no team is good enough this year to flirt with an undefeated season; somebody has to put the Titans in their place. 

No lock of the week because I don't deserve to make such boastful claims with a losing record. I've omitted some games because they don't matter and I don't feel like making the effort. It's a good thing this blog doesn't have readers or I'd have had to make an excuse or bs my picks. 

The one game I intentionally left out if the Giants game. I was a fool to think my New York sports jinx had expired. I never allow myself to bet on games with my teams. I didn't even bet the Super Bowl last year and I'm only two steps away from being a compulsive gambler. Anyway, the Giants are playing the Steelers in what's sure to be an exciting game. Some experts are even saying it could a preview of the Supe... D'oh! I've already said too much.

Week 6 Record: 8-6

Last week: 4-8

Season: You can add, right?

What's the point?

Why do they put nudity heavy movies on television? Nobody watches Species for the alien.; they don't even watch it for Alfred Molina (he's totally in that movie). People watch Species because it hearkens back to a simpler time when Natasha Henstridge was that chick who got naked in every scene in Species. Oh, that brings me back.

Species actually has a special place in my heart because I saw it by accident in what has to be the most serendipitous moment in multiplex history. There I was, all set to subject my poor father to sitting through Judge Dredd. Unfortunately, Judge Dredd was all sold out.


Awful. Just awful.

So, we were stuck looking for the most suitable alternative to a Stallone shlockfest. What were we to do? "Hey, that poster has an alien on it," we probably said to each other. "Let's give this Species movie a shot." Seven million sex scenes later, you had one slightly embarrassed father and the happiest ten year old boy in New York City.


Muuuch better

Oh, dear, I seem to have gotten sidetracked. Getting back to the point I was making, I know there is an unspoken rule that you can only show terrible movies on tv, but there are dozens, nay, hundreds of movies that achieve this without nudity. If you show, say, Rush Hour 2 or The Butterfly Effect, you still get to disappoint viewers without the additional letdown of editing out the boobs. Ooh, Basic Instinct is on AMC.! Ah, nuts.

October Surprise

John McCain just doesn't know what's going on.

For starters, we haven't heard much about any potential vote fraud/diebold controversy yet? This is really the only period of the year where anyone would care, unless of course you're a Democrat and you just wait to be cheated out of the whole mess before you say anything at all. Still, very little news about these topics, despite the massive slew of ireporters scattered across the country. In a year of annoying transparency and political nitpicking (rezko, 7 houses, jermiah wright, skin cancer, whose baby is it), the voting public has heard little in the way of which states are demanding paper ballots, what type of precincts are electronic voting machines most likely to be found, and the political affiliation of Sec. of States in swing states (e.g. Katherine Harris of Florida in 2000, and Ken Blackwell of Ohio in 2004).

The only conclusion I've been able to come to is that John McCain does not plan on cheating in this election. What a ridiculous decision. It's thus clear that McCain lacks the bold, unclouded judgment needed to lead our country into the next decade. At least he can rely on the decided advantage of having chosen public financing for this election cycle. Oh wait...

My most tasteless joke yet

Now that we're less than three weeks away from the election, we've decided to forgo the entire process and settle it right here, right now. Whoever wants to be president, please raise your hand. Tough break, John.

(I know this joke is offensive. Heck, it's half the reason I'm posting it.)

Haha

Perfect



After careful consideration, I've concluded John McCain is most likely doing one of three things:

1) Connecting with those damned young hippies by getting down and doing the macarena.
2) Putting an ancient voodoo curse on Barack Obama.
3) Thinking about universal health care.

Homer Simpson's Patented Space Age Out of this World Moon Waffle Recipe

Ingredients
1 bag caramel cubes
Waffle batter
1 bottle liquid smoke
1 stick butter

Directions
Pour caramels onto waffle iron
Add generous helping of waffle batter
Add liquid smoke
Cook until crisp, enjoying waffle runoff as you please
Wrap waffle around butter and serve on a toothpick

Homer says it best: "Mmmmmm, fattening."

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was...

I'm starting to question whether my mild devotion to Jim Carrey and his early 90's films was mainly the result of being young. I definitely told someone to turn the channel the other day when Dumb and Dumber was on, and I believe also for Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls. Still, I think the Truman Show stands the test of a few years, but then again I haven't seen it since it was in theaters, so I probably have to doubt that too. I think the Cable Guy might be good, Ace Ventura le originale was one of the 1st 2 VHS I ever had, and I haven't seen the Majestic. I'm also convinced that the depth and innovation of Eternal Sunshine is vastly underrated, even if the film itself was over-celebrated to no end by hispter kids for the past few years. I'd say it could have gone in James' list for sure.


NFL Power Rankings for October 14th:

Right at the Top
Tennesse, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New York Giants, Arizona, and Tampa Bay

Contender or Pretender?
Dallas, Washington, Buffalo, Denver, New England, San Diego

Rising Stars
Atlanta, Miami, Houston, New York Jets, Cleveland and Minnesota

We'd love a playoff berth!
Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Chicago, New Orleans

Fading Fast
Green Bay, Carolina, San Francisco, and Baltimore

Nope.
Detroit, Seattle, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Kansas City, and Oakland

I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!

I understand that the NFL is trying to get people to buy NFL Sunday Ticket. This doesn't give them the right to keep every single game off network television. Fine, you have to show Jets games in New York; that's fair enough. But, as hard as this may be to grasp, I might actually want to watch more than two games on Sunday afternoons. My only options are the Jets-Bengals game at 1 and the Cowboys-Cardinals game at 4. It's only week seven and I'm already sick of them showing Cowboys games what seems like every week. Hey, but they're "America's team!" Well, they're not New York's team and I don't want to watch them play the god damned Bengals if you insist on depriving me of 65% of the games.
Despite the atrocious Jimmy Kimmell adds- I'm guessing you could use the word atrocious a lot when talking about Jimmy Kimmell- I'm willing to buy NFL Sunday Ticket. The only problem is I can't because it's only on DirecTV! If the NFL insist on monopolizing they own market, the least they can do is make it available to their customers. Something has to change here. Unfortunately, it's not going to change. The contract with DirecTV runs through the 2010 season. Welcome to the modern sports environment. It's a terrible time to be a dedicated fan.

Because I like losing money

Quick note to Karol from I Had Outs: I'm sorry for not replying to the comment you made a couple weeks ago. I only saw it recently. I'm going to start posting my picks for NFL bets and I'll include picks for suicide pools. So, if you're still alive in that, feel free to use my picks at your own discretion. If you are not Karol, I recommend reading her blog here.

As the title of this post already explained, I like to bet on NFL games because losing money is one of my five favorite activities in life. Betting on games can really do wonders for your average NFL Sunday. Games like say, Bengals-Jets go from exercises in futility to the most important game in your path to gambling glory. Admit it, you're kind of sold on this already. How does NFL betting work, you ask? Well, let me explain.

When you bet on football games you don't bet on who wins, you bet on the point spread. The point spread works like this: This weekend the Jaguars are +3.5 at the Broncos. This basically translates to the Jaguars getting spotted 3.5 points and the Broncos (-3.5) get docked 3.5 points. If you bet on Denver, you're not betting that they win, you're betting that they win by more than 3.5 points. So, if Denver were to win 26-24, your bet on Denver would lose because they didn't cover the spread. In the same sense, the Jaguars would lose the game but bets on them would win since they lost by less than 3.5 points. Does this make sense? Good, let's move on to parlays.

Parlays are how bookies take your money. Betting on a single game usually pays of less than 1:1. A $5 bet might have a return of anything between $4 and $4.70 depending in the odds laid by the booking agent. So, people looking for the big score have to bet parlays in order to do so. In a parlay, you bet multiple games. The more games you bet, the better the payoff is. The problem is that it is really freakin' hard to win parlays. You can bet as many games as you want, but if you lose any of those games you lost the whole bet. A single NFL spread is difficult to predict. Betting on multiple spreads successfully is like (insert metaphor implying difficulty here). Parlays are the reason I lose money. If you listen to one thing I say in this whole post, listen to this: DO NOT BET ON PARLAYS

I haven't kept any records for my picks this season, but I will start doing so after this week. I won't bet on all of these games but I will try and make some effort to think about my picks before I post them. I'll explain some more than others depending on... Whatever, I do what I want. Onto the picks...

(Please note that these picks are for the spread and not necessarily the winner. Home teams in BOLD)

Lock of the week:
Saints (-7) over Raiders
Most NFL games are decided by less than a touchdown, but the Raiders are awful and the Saints score more than Madonna in the 80s. They also got rid of Martin "I Wish This Was Soccer" Grammatica and got a real kicker. Why am I mentioning this? I'm gonna look like a genius when a late field goal covers the spread. Or, this game could be over in the first quarter. Either way, I like this pick.

Colts (-4) over Ravens
When will the world let me bet on the number of times Peyton Manning scowls on the sideline?
Panthers (+1.5) over Bucs
Logic dictates you don't bet against a good team at home. Well, I think the Panthers are better and you can't tell me the fans in Tampa provide any kind of home field advantage. Also, Jeff Garcia is back in the saddle for the Bucs. I'm not betting on a team changing quarterbacks for the second time in six weeks.
Vikings (-13.5) over Lions
It's a lot of points and I don't trust the Vikings to score too much, but... Wow, the Lions are awful.
Falcons (+3) over Bears
I got nothin'
Dolphins (+3) over Texans
This feels like a trap bet because the Texans are due for a win and the Dolphins are due for a loss. Actually, don't bet on this game.
Redskins (-14) over Rams
The odds are either the Rams or the Lions will cover, but I'm not about to bet on either of them. The Rams look like a high school team out there.
Jaguars (+3.5) over Broncos
The Broncos don't play defense. The Jaguars used to play defense. More importantly, Jack del Rio is smart enough to keep Jay Cutler off the field and win this by one point.
49ers (+5) over Eagles
The Eagles - Brian Westbrook = Lobsters - Salt water (that would be dead)
Packers (-3) over Seahawks
This is just the type of game Aaron Rodgers needs to get his swagger back.
Chargers (-5) over Patriots
This bet will certainly lose because a certain higher power wants to make me look stupid for sticking with the Chargers. This is a make or break game for San Diego though and I still think they're good enough to pull this one out.
Giants (-8) over Browns
The Giants are looking reall... Aaaah! You almost had me there, football gods. Well, guess what? I ain't sayin' shit! No jinx! (Go Giants)

I have no idea. Can't we just bet everybody has fun?:
Jets (-6.5) over Bengals
This is like the exact opposite of Sophie's Choice. Ouch. Too soon?
Cowboys (-6) over Cardinals
So much for Pacman Jones staying out of trouble. Looking back, maybe it was a bad idea to get every troubled star in the league. I'm not ready to count the Cowboys out (from Superbowl contention) though. Don't be surprised if they get their act together this week and go off on the Cardinals. Don't be surprised if the Cardinals put up 41 again either. This really could go either way.

I've never bet on a suicide pool but I'll try and make three solid picks. For those of you who don't know, a suicide pool is where you pick one and only one team to win every week. If that team loses, you're out of the pool. Ideally, you want to pick bad teams early in the season because you're really going to hate yourself if you lose on the Chiefs in week 16.

Safe bet: Vikings
Smart bet: Jets
Gamble gamble: Dolphins, 49ers

I still talk about football too much and real issues too little. To the readers who might want more explanations of football betting (you know who you are!) leave a comment and I'll try to be more articulate in the future. Also, don't trust my picks.

Edmund inspires me

Lists galore here at HSWE! Now that Edmund has popped the list making cherry, I couldn't resist the urge to make one myself. I was going to make my 1970's Top 10, but it wasn't that much fun since the top two are indisputable in my mind. Hint: they both contain the word "godfather" in their title. The one interesting thing I found in making my 70's list is that if it weren't for A Clockwork Orange, Coppola would have all of the top three (Apocalypse Now). Well, now you know my top four for the 70's. Consider it a four film bonus to my Top 10 of the 2000's you're about to read.

I have no set criteria for ranking movies (at least not until I get paid for things like this) except that I, like Edmund, am unbiased toward awards and popularity. I consider these movies to be the best for a multitude of reasons, some more personal than others. My taste is probably a little more mainstream than some would prefer, but part of being unbiased in not judging films for being successful or universally praised. At least that's my opinion. Also like Edmund, I'm only including movies I've seen. I guess this would be a good time to admit I haven't seen City of God. Oops! Without anymore justification or explanation, here's my Top 10 Films of the 2000's:

10) Traffic
9) The Pianist
8) You Can Count on Me
7) Y Tu Mama Tambien
6) The Royal Tenenbaums
5) Requiem for a Dream
4) Adaptation
3) Lost In Translation
2) There Will Be Blood
1) No Country for Old Men

On the bubble: Brokeback Mountain

Juuuuuuust missed out: Memento, Kill Bil Vol. 1, Million Dollar Baby, Letters From Iwo Jima, Shrek, A History of Violence, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Good Night and Good Luck, Children of Men, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Honorable mentions: Moulin Rouge, The Departed, Babel, Black Hawk Down, The Bourne Ultimatum, Almost Famous, Munich, Little Miss Sunshine, Donnie Darko, Juno, Closer, Gladiator, Apocolypto, Blow, Catch Me if You Can

Fuck off: Chicago, Mystic River, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Gangs of New York, Amelie, Crash, Mulholland Drive, Training Day, 25th Hour, Sin City

A special place in my heart: Saw, Dude Where's My Car?

I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment yet: The Dark Knight

I hope this is on the list in a year's time: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Follow Up

If anybody reads this, controversy is sure to swirl.

Here are some mild descriptions for films that didn't make the final cut.

Haven't seen or can't remember: A League of Their Own, Braveheart, Terminator 2, Unforgiven, The Joy Luck Club, Fried Green Tomatoes, Boyz n the Hood, The English Patient, Elizabeth, Shakespeare in Love, Nightmare Before Christmas, Interview with a Vampire, Green Mile, SLC Punk, Addams Family, Piano, Silence of the Lambs, American History X, Ghost, Leaving Las Vegas, Safe, and Julien Donkey Boy.

Super closest call: Swingers

Close, close calls (in no particular order): Boogie Nights, Fight Club, Being John Malcovich, Buffalo 66, Bottle Rocket

Close calls: Pulp Fiction, The Truman Show, Hook, Toy Story, Bringing out the Dead, He Got Game, Jackie Brown, Saving Private Ryan, Aladdin, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The King is Alive, the Search for Bobby Fischer, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Clerks, Man on the Moon, Trainspotting

Films you might have expected to see because they've just gotta be there, but....
NOPE: The Shawshank Redemption, Home Alone, The Big Lebowski, Jurassic Park, Dazed & Confused, Schindler's List, Dogma, The Fifth Element, Fargo, Goodfellas, Titanic, Forrest Gump, Empire Records, Office Space, The Sixth Sense, American Beauty, Half Baked, Casino

Honorable mentions: Vampire in Brooklyn and Rookie of the Year

You know you love lists!!! Or is it just for the free Mars bars?

Tom Brokaw could not be any more terrible. You would think it'd be tough for "objective journalists" (I really want to put quotes around each word) to be so smug and assured 8 years after acting like it was exciting that Florida was such a mess, to openly chuckle with John McCain during a debate, or generally be enough of an egomaniacal jackass to purport to still being able to assess where our nation is headed.

Nope!

I hope the spirit of Tim Russert puts on a Bills helmet and rides Jack Kemp like a horse into the NBC studio, and I dunno, eats Brokaw or something. I had all these sandwich jokes lined up, which I now feel may be innapropriate.

Lists!!

Top 10 films of the 1990's:

(No genre division, no bias of any sort towards oscars or box office gross. 1990-1999 release)

As a note, I am only ranking movies I've seen. I haven't seen that many movies. Does that make this list irrelevant? No, just irreverant. I don't give a fuck about how "iconic" something is or if multiple films on my list have a common director or actor/actress, these aren't determining factors.

10. The Full Monty
9. Groundhog Day
8. Barton Fink
7. Election
6. Quiz Show
5. Seven
4. The Hudsucker Proxy
3. Glengarry Glen Ross
2. Festen
1. Magnolia

Unless you have a social life...

I highly recommend you turn on Comedy Central at 10 PM tonight and watch the mid-season premiere of South Park. I consider South Park to the best show on all of television. I haven't seen Mad Men, but I stand by my claim. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But what about Grey's Anatomy?" then you should be ashamed of yourself. It's totally overshadowed by the all the Gossip Girl hype anyway.*

Back to South Park, I think they have possibly the smartest writers in television and certainly the most provocative on that show (I no longer consider the irreverence of Family Guy to be provocative so much as I consider it pointless and hackneyed). In my ideal world, South Park will one day be considered more influential than The Simpsons, if only because The Simpsons lost any semblance of its former self five years ago while South Park continues to strive for social relevance and uses it's crude humor as a means of presenting legitimate social critique. Did I just use the word critique while talking about South Park? I suck. Anyway, watch the show tonight. They like to whip out the good stuff coming back from breaks.

* I have seen all of ten minutes of Gossip Girl. I get why girls love it so much and I pass no judgment.

The times they are a-changin'

Once upon a time, when I was just a wee child, I went to Stuyvesant High School. Stuyvesant has always had a reputation as one of the best public schools in the country and proudly sends more than a handful of students to distinguished colleges to become president or whatever the hell it is good students end up doing with their lives. Like so many other schools, Stuyvesant loved to stress the significance of extracurricular activities to your continued success in life. However, I don't remember things being like this at all:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/frontrunners/

While I was never the most active student at Stuyvesant High School, I wasn't one of those quiet kids studying in the corner either. Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention, but I don't remember the Student Union (SU) ever being this relevant. Back then, we were concerned with doing more important things like protesting wars and cutting class to go get high. The SU was, if anything, an afterthought to the constant struggle for good grades, 1600 SAT scores and, you know, cutting class to go get high. I don't think I remember a single person that was in the SU. Maybe I should have taken things more seriously back then. Whatever, here's the movie's website if you wish to learn more:

FrontRunners

I should publish my opinions more often

I've been saying for months now that James Posey was the unsung hero of the Celtics' championship season. I think I mentioned his importance briefly before the Finals started. I should brag about these claims while I have the chance. I called it before the Finals. I praised the Hornets for signing him many times to any basketball fan that cared to listen to me. I can't count how many times I've delcared, "Plain and simple, the man knows how to win." Well, my window of opportunity to act like I'm informed and insightful has officially closed. Props to John Hollinger for pointing what I already knew.

Posey brings his recipe for success to Hornets - ESPN

Do you feel that in the air, John Hollinger? That's me grimacing and shaking my fist at you.

Quote of the day!

"My pockets hurt!" - Homer Simpson

This could easily turn into a Simpsons line of day/week segment. It could also lead to nothing, nothing at all.




Update: The chances are slim that I'll have the diligence to do something like this on a daily basis. However, it's possible I will continue to post inspiring and/or amusing quotes as they come to me.

Mmmm... Candy...

Thinking about my own post about Kimbo Slice (I cannot stress how much free time I have these days) I got to revisit my stance on marquee fights. It's been a long held opinion of mine that it's foolish to spend money on tickets to big fights, be it boxing or MMA, for any reason other than to reassert your social status due to the fact that these events are too likely to end before you even get your seat warm. What could be worse than spending hundreds of your hard earned dollars on something that lasts fourteen seconds? (Okay, James, take a deep breath and DO NOT make any prostitute jokes... Aaah, that's better.) Even if you're mentally prepared to waste the price of admission, the real problem is what you do with yourself after the fight. There you are, all dressed up in your Sunday best, craving action and most likely drunk. Oh, you're also probably in Vegas. Here's how I imagine a typical post-fight conversation goes:

You: Well, that was unsatisfying.
Friend: Saturday night, baby! Let's party!
You: Sweet! What should we do?
Friend: Strip club?
You: I don't know. I'll just end up blowing $400 on some girl named Candy.
Friend: Brothel?
You: I don't know. I'll just end up blowing $400 on some girl named Candy.
Friend: I know! Let's shoot craps! I hear the action is great at Bellagio. And you get free drinks as long as you're playing.
You: Hell yeah! Gambling and booze always go well together!

(15 minutes and $400 later...)

You: Daddy needs a six!
Craps Dealer: Snake eyes!
You: I should have found some girl named Candy.

Shocking revelations

I found myself with the strangest desire to watch Baseketball the other night. Much to dismay, I realized two things after watching it:
1) Baseketball isn't that funny
2) A lot my sense of humor seems to have been influenced by Baseketball

Does this mean I'm not as funny as I thought? I consider myself a fairly modest person, even to the point of having low self esteem, but I've always seen myself as a pretty funny person. My friends laugh at my jokes. I laugh at the jokes I make to myself. I occasionally entertain whole social groups with my adorable, if not slightly awkward, rants. But is my approach to humor fundamentally flawed? And are Trey Parker and the other guy Matt Stone really to blame? Perhaps the problem is less obvious than Baseketball. Perhaps I watched one too many episodes of Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn or Home Improvement while growing up. Oh, crap. I used to watch Home Improvement. Excuse me, I have to go retroactively punish myself now.

Awesome stage name vs. Awful haircut

Kimbo Slice, the last person you ever want to see at the other end of a dark alley, got knocked the f*** out this past weekend. Well, he didn't get knocked out, but he was well on his way there before the fight got stopped. While Mr. Slice has no doubt taken a huge hit to his image as the baddest man on the planet, it's been pointed out to me that he might have been cheated out of his previously perfect record. Did that dude just kick Kimbo in the nuts? You decide around the 4:15 mark on this video:



Too lazy to watch that? Fine, he's a fairly accurate reenactment of what may or may not have happened to Kimbo Slice:



Why that isn't the universal method for settling disputes yet is beyond me. Oh, yeah, women would totally win arguments. Is it too easy for me to make the obvious joke here? Probably. Anyway, enjoy that South Park clip before Viacom removes it from the internet and sues me for my pants.

I don't get it

Apparently, Dane Cook is so famous my mother knows who he is. Worse yet, she knows enough about him to have an opinion of him (she thinks he's funny in case you were wondering). Now, I happen to think Dane Cook's undeserving movie stardom is relatively inoffensive when compared to, say, Kirsten Dunst, but I really can't wrap my head around this one. I don't mean this as a knock on my mother, who I feel stays within the confines of parental pop culture knowledge fairly well. She knows who Shia Lebouef is. She probably knows who Mandy Moore is. Dane Cook? Somehow I doubt she got around to catching Employee of the Month. This leads me to ask, has Dane Cook really ascended to the level of fame where people simply know who he is?
Listen, I like Dane Cook. I think his stand up, potential plagiarism notwithstanding, is extremely funny at times. He seems to understand that he's not winning any Oscars and embraces the idea that he might as well cash in on romcoms (see: My Best Friend's Girl. Good Luck Chuck) while he still can. This doesn't explain to me how he's become a household name. He's neither talented not attractive enough for it to make sense. Can anybody unravel this mystery for me? I'd try and ask Dane Cook himself, but we all know he'd just pull the "I'm just doing my thing and if people like it, great!" card. I don' think I like Dane Cook anymore. I'm funny too, but I don't get paid to kiss Jessica Alba and act goofy. In fact, I don't get paid to do anything. It's a cruel, cruel world we live in.

P.S: If I misspelled Shia Lebouef and you wish to point it out, don't. I've had friends longer than he's been famous who still can't spell my name. Actually, I think I might only have one friend who can spell my name. It's a cruel, cruel world we live in.

Because you're worth it...

Yep, that's a makeup reference. I'm awesome. Seriously though, I'm bored. So here is my futile attempt at unexplained NFL Power Rankings

Favorites

Titans

Giants

Contenders

Cowboys

Bills

Wild Cards in more ways than one

Steelers

Eagles

Redskins

Chargers

Broncos

Don't Count Them Out

Panthers

Bucs

Jaguars

Saints

Colts

Forgettably Forgettable

Bears

Patriots

Ravens

Packers

Hopelessly Flawed

Vikings

Cardinals

Jets

Only here to destroy your Bodog account

Seahawks

49ers

Falcons

Texans

We'd get our hopes up, but we'd only be disappointed

Browns

Raiders

Dolphins

Chiefs

Yes, we know much we suck. You know what? Fuck you! That's what!

Bengals

Lions

We have 12 more games!? I hate myself!

Rams

Bam!

I just saw Emeril Lagasse in a Crest ad. I'd say I'm surprised to see he's gained a lot of weight, but what else does a former cooking star do with his free time? At least he's getting some "work" these days. Good for him!

If you wish to remember Emerel fondly, enjoy this:

Wasn't that fun? Now, here's Emeril being more awkward than running into your ex:

Woah. That's a lotta bologna.

Cautious optimism

Those two words sum up how I and most NFL fans should be feeling right now. We're a whole quarter of the way through the season and I can honestly say I've never been witness to such a significant shakeup in the NFL power structure. The Tom Brady injury is only the tip of the iceberg. The Colts look old, the Cowboys look vulnerable, and I have no clue who I'm supposed to call the favorite in the AFC. Well, that was enough coherence for me. Here's my scattered thoughts on this wild season:

- The Titans might very well be the best team in the league right now. Let me say that differently: Kerry Collins might the quarterback for the best team in the league. Yes, the same Kerry Collins responsible for this debacle. The good things for the Titans is that their defense is good enough to make grown men cry, if it hasn't already. As Bill Simmons explained this team is locked in. The only things that stands in their way right now is a potential Kerry Collins relapse (he's an alcoholic and my joke isn't funny at all) or the possibility of Vince Young getting back on the field. Like it or not, Collins is the better option here. Here's a classic "game manager" with enough experience to play solidly (not screw it up) let a good team do it's thing.

- If you happen a Colts fan and a Bills fan, you've got to have some conflicting feelings right now. The Bills are indeed 4-0 but they've had one too many comeback wins to make me comfortable. Still, Trent Edwards seems to know what he's doing out there and they've got a future Pro Bowler in Marshawn Lynch. He also seems to cope with success pretty well:

Getting back to the Bills, I think it's too early to get overly excited, but right now they seem to be on track to win the AFC East. The Jets are about as awful as I thought and Fuckhead Tom Brady is indeed out for the season. The Patriots are still stacked, but Matt Cassell is clearly not going to pan out and it took Randy Moss all of three seconds to quit on the season. Miami isn't even deserving of this sentence. So things are looking up for the Bills. If they get past Arizona this weekend (which they should) then they're well on their way to thinking about the playoffs. If I get around to reworking my playoff predictions bracket, I'll try and figure out a way for the Bills to go to the Superbowl. I don't say this to jinx them, I'm just saying it could happen. 

As for the Colts, only fans like Edmund can say they have a legitimate shot at the playoffs.  They're looking at the very real possibility of finishing third in the division and, unless you're the in the NFC East, that's not going to cut it. Perhaps I'm just being pessimistic, but I it's fairly obvious that this team is getting old. With Sanders down again the defense is really going to struggle. Let's not forget that his return was a major part of the Superbowl run two years ago. The good news? That Peyton Manning sure knows how to step up when he has to. Games against Houston and Baltimore provide just the kind of opportunity Manning needs to right this ship. If the Colts can win those two games, they're back on track. If they lose one? Sigh.

- Sticking with the title of this post, I'm not celebrating the Giants' success just yet. That being said, things are looking pretty damned good. Unexpected Cowboys and Eagles losses have really opened things up in the NFC East. The Giants seem to be the unanimous #1 in the league right now and their schedule looks much more friendly than it did at the beginning of the season. If they can win the next three games (Seahawks, 49ers, Browns) then they're a 1-2 run away from a virtual playoff lock. The way things are going, I expect the Giants to pull of at least one win during or Steelers, Cowboys, Eagles death march in the middle of the season. The only thing that worries me is The Giants' tendency to implode during the second half. Maybe, just maybe, they keep with the feel of this season and grow from last year. I'd talk about how they look great but spectacular in certain areas but I've already said too much for a pretend superstitious person such as myself. 

- Despite logic, reason and common sense dictating otherwise, I still say the Chargers are the most dangerous team in the AFC. Yes, I'm serious. There are a million reasons to doubt them, but I don't think there's a single team that wants a piece of them come playoff time. They may, in fact, miss the playoffs but that doesn't change my opinion of them. Say what you will about Philip Rivers (douchebag), the dude is a gamer. Ladanian Tomlinson is older, slower, hurt and still gives opposing fans a combined heart attack and stroke every time he touches the ball. I'm not giving up on this team. If they get it together, I might even pick them to make the Superbowl.

- Remember when I said the Brown would be dangerous in the playoffs? Oops.

- I've heard convincing arguments for the Bucs, Saints and Panthers to win the NFC South. This division is such a toss up, I wouldn't be that surprised if the Falcons stole the damned thing. 

- It's must be really discouraging to be in the NFC not East (?????). Hey, we made the playoffs! I can't wait to get wrecked by the Giants/Cowboys/Eagles! Does want to bet the NFC Champion will come from another division? You know how to reach me.

- I really don't know what to do about forecasting the AFC. There are so many teams that could conceivable win the whole thing. I'll get back to you in four weeks.

That's all I've got. Football isn't important enough for me to write this much. Especially with my poor grammar and lack of humor. Well, I'm not here to entertain you people! Wait, yes I am. Ah, nuts. 

Don't forget to make sure you're registered to vote. Also, if you only watch The Daily Show for one month every four years, this should be that month.

Grrrrr

As much as it pains me to make people aware of this, apparently FrankTV is an actual program.
It's like the people in charge of television have been tapping into my psyche the last 2 years and are purposely trying to achieve the opposite of every conviction I stand for. I haven't been this angry about something since I found out the baseball divisional series are only on TBS. Coincidentally, I discovered today that the house I am staying at has TBS, which then sucked me into viewing the FrankTV ads.

So in all earnest, Oswald could not have been the only gunman. Right?

Somebody give that girl a thesaurus

Not like any competent men trust Paris Hilton but, rest assured, if Paris Hilton says she loves you, she might not mean it. She just doesn't have a very advanced vocabulary. As she proudly explains on her Five Favorite Films list for Rotten Tomatoes, Paris Hilton loves a lot of things.  If you don't feel like clicking the link, her deep understanding of cinema can be nicely summed up in her describing Edward Scissorhands as having a "really cute story." Well, maybe it's just a testament to Johnny Depp's star power. He is indeed a dreamboat.

Back to my main point, I'd count how many times she says "love" but I'm not that bored or patient. I know these are her favorite films but she seriously needs to learn some new adjectives. If I ever have sex with Paris Hilton, I formally grant all of my friends permission to strike me dead on the spot. Does that imply said friend/friends would be present while I had sex with Paris Hilton. Hey, anything goes when you're a billionaire, right? Seriously though, please kill me if I even get close to this. You should probably smack me for even talking about it. 

Sidenote: I will never understand how Jon Lovitz didn't make Edmund's worst comedian list. Oh, still being relatively famous is a requirement. It all makes sense now.

The worst comedians who are still relatively famous

In no particular order at all:

Ray Romano
Tom Arnold
Brett Butler
Kirstie Alley
Eddie Murphy (post 1994)
Tim Allen
Kevin James
Dane Cook
Billy Crystal
Adam Carrolla
Tony Danza
That guy who says, "You do the math, I'm doing the alfredo"

typose abound

I blame it on vista. If you don't buy that, then understand I have always attended public schools, where the term "predicate" came up about twice in 13 years. If anyone actually reads this, I'm sure they can figure out what words my typos were actually intended to be.

At any rate, I meant "plugs", not "blugs".

Fucking up a punchline makes me feel shit, thus possessing 1/8th of the comedic value of Tom Arnold.

Which leads me into my next post...

In addition

Needless to say, Palin will dodge questions. To be fair, Biden probably will too, but with a little less zeal I imagine.

Expect the focus of Palin talking points to be the following perhaps in this order:

1. Patriotism & loving one's country
2. Family & being a hockey mom
3. Terrorism
4. Guns
5. Energy policy

The line for the number of times abortion will be mentioned is over/under 11.5. If anyone wants to take the under I'll lay them 2 to 1 odds.

Sex Sells

In a matter of hours, the 1st and only vice presidential debate of this election cycle will take place, pitting Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) against Sen. Joe Biden (D-Delaware).

Analysis is rampant throughout the standard media outlets (MSNBC, CNN, FOX, etc), as well as left and right wing blog empires (DailyKos, FreeRepublic). I suppose the attention has the feel of left-wing bias to it, as many of the expectations swirl around whether or not Gov. Palin will screw up. This is a bit of a generalization, but only so much as your standard media outlets constantly fail to admit that they themselves are the ultimate purveryors of over-generaliztation in this election cycle. Even I have to admit, the focus surrounding Biden is so slim that one might even question whether or not his role in tonight's debate has any merit at all.

My fear of course, is that he is going to be sent out in an effort to play defense: to quiet the Palin storm, and assure millions of uninformed Americans that Sen. Obama does indeed have the national security chops it takes to be commander in chief during an era, which up until a week or two ago, has completely been dominated by talking points dealing with terrorism, foreign policy, and of course the issue which Democrats have been political sodomized for years by, patriotism.

I, for one, have a distinctly undemocratic (thats democratic as in democracy, not party affiliation) opinion about the debate tonight: I really hope it has little effect. I want to make clear that most of my political opinions are placed in the context of how the media treats and portrays the candidates and issues, not how I'd actually like things to be. Frankly, I see a very small margin with which Biden can actually boost Obama, versus the potential spin boost a Palin performace can give McCain. I should also mention that if Palin does significantly help McCain, it will probably be by simply railing on Obama. Such is life. If this debate does gain any lasting firepower, it will probably not be because Joe Biden blows everyones socks off.

Two precedents to keep in mind:

1. The last 2 vice presdential debates did nothing positive for democrats. In 2000, a relatively low-key guy from a random western state (Dick Cheney), played the role of causal, classy, yet astute politician, ultimately rendering Joe Lieberman to complete mediocrity and starting the whirlpool which eventually led to latter to completely lose his mind and try to damage the United States Senate as much as a boring, mediocre politican possibly could. Even I, as a young, nieve 15 year old, kind of thought Cheney at the time came off as a low key moderate politican with some charisma and class, a description that now would be labeled as surrealist at best. It seemed like the country was completely unaware he had served as Chief of Staff and Secretary of Defense during the Ford and elder Bush administrations, respectivily (2 presidents that even die hard conservatives dont rank as their all time favorite leaders). In 2004, the Democrats brought young, zesty "populist" John Edwards to the table, only to watch him fall without grace in front of a sitting vice president who hardly ever appeared on TV in 4 years, even though it was widely known that he was at the least, responsible for the greatest foreign policy disaster of all time, and at the most, the puppet master of the 1st Bush Administration term. Expectation were set low for the Republican (Cheney), and he responded with a mixture of lies and post-debate spin. This does not pose well for Biden.

2. Joe Biden screws up all the time. Don't worry about this one. Biden knows it, the Obama campaign knows it, and it is not at all a secret weapon for Palin. In all honesty, I believe this to be one of the, if not the best run Democratic campaigns of all time, and to put it bluntly, they don't make mistakes, and they're ready to win. These are not attributes that could be easily attached to the Gore and Kerry campaigns. Biden will be fine, it may just not matter at all. Even if Palin comes off as completely uninformed and even hostile, there's enough spin to somehow turn that into a criticism of how Obama is sexist. Delaware is going blue, Alaska red, but maybe we'll get lucky and 3 million voters in Ohio will fall in love with the Senator with hair blugs and a bit of experience. Don't count on it.

It's 3:30 AM...

I took an Ambien two hours ago and I should be peacefully dreaming of the life I once thought I'd have. I'm unemployed, unimaginably lonely, and lost in every way that word can be interpreted. And I think I just got inspired. I think I just found the story I have to write. It might be time I finally end the self-imposed three year writer's block I am yet to understand. I think I have to do this. Right now it doesn't matter to me at all me how good or marketable it ends up. I simply think I've found a story that will help me figure out a little bit of the constant struggle I endure in search of purpose. And if that's not a good excuse to do something, I don't know what it is. I hope I feel this way in the morning.

James

A Million Aplogies & NFL Week 3

A million apologies to all of you for being basically defunct recently. Life has a habit of getting in the way of inspiration sometimes and, needless to say, I haven't been too inspired lately. Hopefully I can get some momentum here and stick around. Wouldn't that be fun. Here's some super random stuff about the first few weeks of NFL and maybe some other fun stuff.

-It's been two weeks since Tom Brady went down and the James McDonagh justices of conscience have reached a ruling: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... (deep breath) HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA... (chokes on own laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ha! I know it's somewhat unethical to take joy from the pain of others but (holding back snickers) god damn that's some good karma! I'll tell you one thing: Tom Brady will NEVER EVER EVER abandon a child again! You can't say he didn't have it coming. If you wish to join the Bernard Pollard fan club you can find it here. 

- The Giants are looking might good right now. I know we've only faced the lowly Redskins and Rams but wins are wins and they all looked to be catching their strides by the second half last week. It's no fluke that ESPN has them ranked #3 right now. It feels good to start this way but there's a lot of work ahead for the G-Men. Our upcoming games are: Bengals, Seahawks, Browns, and 49ers. We could very easily go 6-0. The thing is we might need to if we want to make the playoffs. After the cakewalk we've got a gauntlet of the Steelers and division games. It will be tough but it looks good for Big Blue right now. Hopefully we fight with the Eagles and Cowboys for NFC Easy supremacy all year and lead into a crazy playoffs. 

- What The Packers? Aaron Rodgers looks totally legit. I feel awesome for naming them one of my surprise teams. Not so awesome is that I picked Minnesota to win the division in my bet with Ed. More to come on that later.

- Hell Yeah Buffalo! If they keep playing that way the Bills could easily find themselves in the AFC PLayoffs and  (GASPS!) they might even steal the AFC East from the Pats. There's a very real chance the Bills start the season 8-0. Check the schedule. I'm not saying you should plan for a Superbowl party in Buffalo or anything but it's nice to see the Bills in the thick if things like this. Marshawn Lynch is a beast.

- I'm still loving Favregate all day baby! I'll set the over/under at Week 15 for Favre crying on the sideline. Yes, I will discuss casual wagers. 

- Interesting development going on in Denver right now. Botched calls aside, the Broncos have pulled out two big wins and their offense looks like they eat radioactive isotopes for breakfast. I'm not sure they can keep up this kind of pace but as of right now they are the clear favourites in the AFC West and a few more good games will have right in the middle of Superbowl discussions.

- (yawning as I awake from my peaceful slumber) Cardinals are 2-0? That's nice. Wake me up when somebody, anybody, anywhere on earth actually thinks they'll make a difference this year. 

-I'm a little behind on this but I find it truly saddening to see this Vince Young drama play out. The guy clearly has some issues way beyond what happens on the football field. Career be damned, I just hope everything works out for Vince Young the person.

-Aaaaaaa too much NFL information to filter through. I'll try to get my head/life in order so we can have some clearer direction over here at HSWE. For now, I will jsut say enjoy yourself some football today. And if you're not into that, take a walk. It's gorgeous outside.

It's actually quite infuriating

I try not the take for granted some of the finer parts of New York City. For a city whose functionality is reliant on countless complex systems working in unison, all through the toils of thousands if not millions of civil service workers, it is remarkably easy to forget that we owe a lot of thanks for some of the smallest, seemingly involuntary tasks that help us call ourselves "New Yorkers." Sick of your train stalling before going over the bridge every morning? Well, quite yer' bitchin' princess Hilton! Some lowly worker is busting his ass trying to get you to your BS job daddy hooked you up with on time. You might even have time to get a double mocha skim vegan Osama soy bin latte! Show some god damned appreciation! On the other hand, I really don't care about any of that if you insist on taking up the seat next to you. What's that? You have a sore hip? First, I'm not even gonna ask why. Second, I don't care. Have some respect for your fellow "New Yorkers" and follow my rules of subway etiquette.

1) You are not that fat guy: So stop sitting like one. You don't need that extra space; you want that extra space. Well, tough luck. My ass wants it too. Wanna guess who wins this battle? The seats have very clear demarcations. Stay within yours or I will fart on your leg. 

2) Your balls/ovaries are not the size of basketballs: So stop kicking back and spreading your legs like this subway car is your living room. I think it's really nice that you can find comfort in such a crowded place. But, if you hadn't noticed, your sweet little "giving my jumblies some fresh air" move is pushing your knees directly into mine and giving my nuts the ol' "just hold your breath and we can all get through this as a team" maneuver. If you want adequate knee space perhaps you should consider biking. Your knees get all over the place on those things.

3) There is no such thing as primary standing room: So will you please get out of my way so I can get away from this neanderthal breathing down my neck. The flip side of this rule is the wonderful Samaritans who love to glide through already packed subway cars. You see this backpack I have on, right? If you seriously think I'm about to put it into three lovely people's faces all for your extra 1/8th inch of breathing room, well, first you'll have to tell me how it feels to ride on the train with a sweaty armpit in your face. Yeah, it's mine. Good luck with that.

It's all up hill after Dennis Miller

After seven long, baseball ridden months, the NFL is finally back in my life. This means many things to a degenerate like me. Not only does it bring the prospect of actual interesting sporting events returning to my life, it also reintroduces me the wonderful world of sports betting. I am by no means a football expert. In fact, it would be a stretch to even call myself well informed. But there's something about football betting that puts all other sports bets to shame. Oh, and the Giants won the Superbowl in somewhat dramatic fashion if you hadn't heard. Admittedly, the Giants' season looks pretty bleak right now but it's still very exciting to come into the season as defending champions and OH MY GOD FOOTBALL IS BACK! The Giants will have to fight for a playoff spot in the ridiculously stacked NFC East but, as cliche as this sounds, I think the Giants have already proven that they thrive in those situations and I expect them to find themselves in a Wild Card game again. More on the Giants in a bit. Here are my loose rankings as of 28 hours before the season officially starts. 

Favourites (in order):

Cowboys

Totally Not Undefeated Last Season Patriots

Chargers

Colts

Contenders:

Jaguars

Vikings

Steelers

Dangerous in the Playoffs:

Browns 

Eagles

Could Surprise You:

Giants

Saints

Bills

Packers

Overrated Would Be a Compliment:

Redskins

Broncos

Titans

Lions

Panthers

Pointlessly Mediocre:

Texans

Buccaneers

Bengals

The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked:

Jets

Bears

Dolphins

Raiders

Chiefs

I'd Rather Watch a Ben Affleck Movie:

Falcons

Ravens

The entire NFC West (Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, Rams) 

The reason I have the Cowboys at the top of my list is that they will most likely coast through the NFC Playoffs (Yes, I'm totally trying to jinx them) while the AFC Playoffs are going to be a total bloodbath. Seriously, I've heard five different teams in the AFC predicted to win the Superbowl and they all make sense. On the other hand, the only serious threat to the Cowboys right now is the Vikings and they didn't even make the playoffs last year.

The reason I put the NFC West at the bottom is because it's god awful. The Seahawks are the only legitimate team in that division and that's only because they were in Superbowl thre years ago. They would get crushed in any other division except the NFC South where they'd probably still get spanked by the Saints.

Yes, I know the Jets have Brett Favre and I still say they suck. I almost feel bad for the people who think a 38 year old diva learning a new offense somehow books a ticket for the playoffs. Favre is a great player but he didn't do it alone last year. The Jets' only other assets are their offensive line and... oh, that's it. I hope Brett Favre cries his way through the end of the season when he realizes that he ruined his legacy to go 6-10.

Here are some more whimsical predictions and then a celebration to honor the beginning of Edmund's season long funding of the Feed James fund.

Tony Romo will throw for 40 touchdowns and win MVP.

Nobody will care about Jessica Simpson until the playoffs, at which point the whole world will put pressure on Tony Romo to win a game. 

Eli Manning will finally play consistently this season and shut up all his critics.

Justin Tuck will have a monster season at defensive end for the Giants and their defense will be just fine.

Either Tom Brady or Peyton Manning will miss a start. 

Adam "Pacman" Jones will not get in any trouble off the field this season. 

Chris Henry will get in trouble off the field this season.

If the Cardinals have any shot at the playoffs, they will not start Matt Leinart at all.

Adrian Peterson will lead the league in rushing. However, he will not gain 2000 yards.

Shawne Merriman will not make it through eight games before his knee fails on him. Enjoy him while he's playing because this could easily be the end of his career. "Idiotic" doesn't even begin to describe his decision to play through two(!) torn ligaments. Good luck living off that rookie contract for the rest of your life, Shawne.

I will consider the season a bust if announcers refuse to refer to the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson by his new legal name, Chad Ocho Cinco.

Marvin Lewis will get fired by the Bengals after the season.

Edmund will lose lots of money to me.

Seriously, Edmund picked the Broncos as the #1 seed in the AFC. It doesn't get much better after that.

The Cowboys will beat the Colts 28-24 in the Superbowl.

 

Because ESPN needs more money

Between the lucrative ABC affiliation and countless offspring- I'm still waiting on The Ocho-I  highly doubt ESPN needs any more customers but funny is funny and should always be shared. So check this out and enjoy the endless folly that is Aaron Rodgers' career. Also, in case you were wondering, I will indeed continue to steal from endorse other media outlets and pass if off as an original blog. 

Mix Bag

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. My mind has been a little scattered and I haven't been particularly inspired. Nonetheless, here are a bunch of random links and thoughts to get me out of the rut.

- I'm almost genuinely upset how lightly the collective sports media has treated the Brett Favre situation. I understand that Brett Favre has had a great career and probably played harder and with more passion than anybody else for the past sixteen years. But if this despicable display of selfishness can't end his the media's infatuation with him, then what does? He spent three straight years holding the Packers hostage with his indecisiveness, then he's surprised when they decide to move on after he announces his retirement? Football players: they're not exactly rocket scientists. I can't wait to see his face after he realizes that the Jets are in fact awful. I'm so disgusted with this whole situation that I'm actually considering rooting for the Patriots to beat them.

- Speaking of the Patriots, this is indeed priceless:

- They're making a movie out of Max Payne, which I'll admit was a pretty cool computer game. But in the end this only makes me long for a Duke Nukem movie. Actually, Duke Nukem mainly fought aliens. This could only lead to lackluster CG monsters in some debacle helmed by some geek who aspires to make the next 300, which was a massive disappointment in my opinion.

- I swear I'm not posting the following video for maturbatory purposes. Most of the time I think it's great that European entertainment is more open and honest about sex but I find it pretty offensive that this is a real "exercise" show in Italy:

Play a game with it. Scan through and see if 50% of the time you find a close up of an ass.

- These are the most hilariously nauseating shoes I have ever seen. Try not to look too long or your head might explode.

- If having Stupidity Awards is pure genius, then hiring Lewis Black as the host is the test tube baby of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein.

- Sometimes streaking goes better than expected. Other times not so much. Observe:

Best reaction in the second video goes to the guy in the lower right hand corner who laughs so hard he falls down. More importantly, the first video is extremely rare in that you get a glimpse of a whole boob at the end of the video. I kind of want to marry that woman. Unless that video is from the 90s. Who am I kidding? Are you out there YouTube streaker lady? I love you.

- A couple weeks ago at work (remember when I had a job?) I saw a YouTube video of a Youtube video? I guess it makes sense. Why would I watch South Park on YouTube when I can watch crappy handheld home recordings of South Park on YouTube. In other news, that person should probably get a new hobby.

- In case you weren't aware of this already, you are currently using the Internet and it is so complicated it makes me dizzy. Take your time reading this one. It's fascinating how much we take for granted. Also, according to this page a lot of the Internet is run through one building. It can't really be that easy to destroy the Internet. Or can it...

List #2

The worst teams in professional sports.

I include teams that I have never seen make the playoffs in my 17 years of watching sports, or even worse have had fewer than 2 or 3 winning seasons in that span. They might never win, and a few even seem to be in constant danger of being moved to another city or contracted (which means they won't exist at all anymore). Yes, this happens. I will refrain from using the phrase, "The Cream of the Crap". Also, I'm exluding any NHL (hockey) teams as I am not educated enough on this front and truly, "psshhhhh" describes how I feel about all that business.

Football:

Detroit Lions
Cleveland Browns
Arizona Cardinals
Houston Texans

The NFL is one of the best sports as far as having random teams make the playoffs, and I believe it's even possible that the first 2 listed above did it once in the 90's. The Texans are a relatively new team by comparison, and perhaps should have been exluded from the list. I think I've seen 30 of the 32 teams make the dance at some point. *Football has 12 playoff teams each year.

Basketball:

This one is a bit tougher, as 16 of the 30 teams in the NBA make the playoffs every year, and one or two really insane players can help out a crappier team much more than in football or baseball.

Atlanta Hawks--They made the playoffs last year, but it was as a bottom seed and with a
losing record. Prior to that, they hadn't done anything since at least the early
90's, and certainly haven't had a title sine the 80's.

Charlotte Bobcats--A new team, but still pretty bad.

Memphis Grizzlies--I think they've only been around since the mid 90's, but it's been at
least 10 years, and the other team that came into the league the same
time as them (Toronto Raptors) have made the playoffs more than once.

Even bottom dwellers like the Bucks, Blazers, Kings, TWolves and Sonics all had some amazing runs. Honorbale mentions inclue the Golden State Warriors and LA Clippers.

Baseball:

Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals-My favorite team growing up. I had their hat, baseball cards, and even saw an interleague game between them and the Baltimore Orioles. I never saw them make the playoffs, but during the strike shortened season of 1994, they had the best record in baseball at 74-40. Yes, 74-40!! It's really to sad a subject for me to discuss any longer. Here is a brief list of former Expos players: Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Vlad Guerrero, Andre Dawson, Tim Raines, Andres Galaragga, Larry Walker, Moises Alou, Cliff Lee, and Grady Sizemore.

Milwaukee Brewers
Kansas City Royals
Cincinnati Reds
Pittsburgh Pirates

The last three teams are arguably the biggest losers in all of sports the last 15 years. This baseball talk is making me thirsty. I have nothing good to say about Billy Crystal except that when he was young, he wasn't that ugly. Toodles.

Summer Lull

Contrary to popular belief, boredom is not the only reason to discuss and analyze major league baseball. I believe cowardess and cocaine usage (separate of course) also apply. That being said, it's two in the afternoon and I feel interested, courageous, and without any kind of drip running down my throat.

I told James nearly 2 months ago that the Yankees would win the World Series, and frankly it's agonizing being right so often. Still, with the Orioles a mere 9 (that's right 9!) games behind second place Boston in the AL East, my preseason futures bet and love for everything birdy and orange is still alive. Kevin Millar may very well surpass 20 home runs for the season, which isn't too bad for someone I declared the worst person in baseball not 3 years ago. Of course at that time, he was playing for Team Satanic Petaphiles.

*For anyone who doesn't know too much about baseball or is halfway intelligent and thus doesn't care, there are 2 leagues-American and National, each with 3 divisions. Every year a total of 8 teams go to the playoffs, which encompasses the 6 division winners and 2 wild cards (the teams with the next best records). Easy enough, right? The problem is that a team with a better record could miss out on the playoffs if they are stuck in a great division, whereas a division winner with a worse record could go on to the postseason. I think it's great, and it should cause all those pundits who complain about rules and whatnot in baseball to go into some real introspective analysis of themselves, and realize maybe there's like, I dunno, more important stuff going on around them.

I will now give you my 2 lists.

1. Major League Baseball is both great and terrible because at the start of each year, even though 162 games are played (the most of any professional sport by far), nearly 75% of the teams can be rules out as having absolutely no chance to even sniff the playoffs. So here are the only teams I believe have an actual shot to play in the World Series, aka the final round of the playoffs or where the "top 2" teams play it out for the title.

Los Angeles Angels
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Minnesota Twins
New York Mets
Florida Marlins
Chicago Cubs
Milwaukee Brewers
Arizona Diamondbacks

Like I said, you can rule out most teams, and even listing 10 teams is a bit of a stretch. I am not stating only 8 of these 10 teams will make the playoffs, but that no other teams have any shot of making the series. Most of these choices should be self explanatory, and if not you can glance here. As for the "odder choices", the Marlins are one of only 4 teams I've seen win 2 titles in my lifetime and they play with grit and pizazz, which is like an impossible combo to achieve. The Twins have close to the wors ballpark, owner, attendance stats, and payrolls in the entire sport, and yet seem to be in contention nearly every season the last few years. Arizona also owns a championship and a few division titles in the last decade, as does St Louis. Milwaukee is just pure talent, a completely loaded team. So there you go. The Chicago White Sox, Philadelphia Phillies, and Los Angeles Dodgers get no respect from me, and they don't deserve it.