Don't even get me started on rollerblades

I'm ready to take one for the team. I've started intentionally obstructing bikers on the sidewalk. As my *ahem* lawyer girlfriend will happily explain, bicycles are vehicles and thus subject to the same rules as cars. I'm not suggesting bikers stop at every red light and always ride in the proper direction. Bikers gotta bike. But these people who go flying down the sidewalk past babies, old people and other fragile creatures need to be taught a lesson. I'll leave the rules and regulations to my *ahem!* lawyer girlfriend. I'm more of a vigilante justice kind of guy. From this day forth, I am holding myself internet accountable to put reckless bikers in their place. I solemnly swear to juke, shimmy and swerve my best to slow down these rolling hazards.

I'll even take it one step further get in the way of anyone on a scooter above the age of nine. Scooters aren't really dangerous, but anybody pompous enough to ride one- be it ironic or sincere- under the contrived pretense of faster transportation is beyond pretentious to think they are important enough to endanger the health of pedestrians. If walking is too time-consuming, take the train. If you're such a faux environmentalist that you can't bear the thought of adding your carbon footprint to something that operates with or without you, stop being a douche and ride a bike like a normal person. Of course, you'll probably ride your bike on the sidewalk so you can keep being inconsiderate and selfish.

On our next episode: golf umbrellas in the street are an excellent excuse to yell "Fore!" into executives' ears.

Mis-en-place is for wimps

As I am wont to do, I cooked a large amount of food ahead of time before I got sucked into the work week. While the primary motivation for this is my thriftiness frugality being cheap, another large part of my planning ahead is that it allows me to engage is greater acts of laziness throughout the week. Having ready-made meals on hand ensures I won't have to expend any effort on it in the coming days. All I've got are the dregs that remain of the incompatible dishes I made four days ago? Great, throw them into a bowl and call it lunch. Yeah, things get weird for me on Thursday. 

Looking to avoid my regular mid-week lull, I took my prepping one step further and made everything ahead of time this week. I cooked up a shit ton of sandwich meat and bought some wraps since they won't get soggy while they wait for their day of glory. However, I had to make sure I didn't just eat the same damned sandwich every day or I would literally go mad from monotony.

Just like this, except with sandwiches instead of steroids

I set out to make myself five unique concoctions. Again, allow me to remind you that this venture was borne out of laziness. So I did what any refined gastronome would do: I took out every possible ingredient from the fridge, laid them all out on the counter and threw on a blindfold. Okay, I didn't literally blindfold myself, but I definitely turned a blind eye to logic. No man with a plan combines Thai chili sauce, sun dried tomatoes, tzatziki sauce, coleslaw, pickle relish and broccoli. You know what else that guy won't do? Be as awesome as me. Just ask Barney.

"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

Ah, Bahrain. You took the news spotlight for all of a few hours. It was interesting, yes, but unfortunately for you something happened in America. Nothing too important, but the point is, a thing happened somewhere. Where is Bahrain? I think it's in Cuba or maybe near Finland. I doubt anyone this side of Carmen Sandiego could prove me wrong without using the internet, and even she probably doesn't go to Bahrain much, what with her being Catholic and all.

In Iowa, a male high school wrestler defaulted (i.e. watered-down concession) in of his matches in the state tournament instead of facing his opponent, who happened to be a girl. He claims his faith prevents him from engaging in violent acts with women. His religion? Pentecostal. What is Pentecostal?

If you answered "I don't care", "It's not real", or "Christian", you are correct, and halfway to being able to defeat Watson. If only followers of organized religion had a belief not to engage in violent acts against women in, I dunno, say every other activity and waking moment in life. From the news stories I've seen across this country and the world, I was almost convinced people beat women because of religion. I'm totally down with not fighting women, I think more people should follow that creed really. And right on if this kid lives his life like this. But as far as my view of society goes, that pacifist belief only seems to be applicable to wrestling tournaments and maybe Lilith Fair. Perhaps people could start doing it the other 23 hours of the day.

As long as I'm on the beaten path of providing tangible ideas that will prevent me from ever being elected president, let's get down to brass tacks. I figure there are legitimately only three reasons why this kid didn't want to wrestle her:

1) He might lose to her in front of his family and friends.

2) He might get a boner and then lose to her in front of family and friends.

3) He might win and feel oddly conflicted, suddenly grappling with an urge to sort out the complexities of gender relations in this country, discovering that things in life are far less black and white that high school would have you believe. Examining the textured fabric of our patriarchal society through an objective lens? Yea, cause that's what I think of when I see the word religion.

At least it woke me up

Dear subway mariachi band,

You guys are pretty cool. Mariachi music isn't really my thing, but you have a tendency to bring levity and cheerfulness to one of the most notoriously grumpy areas of the country. In a world of depressing panhandlers and jesus-peddlers, your sequined southwest-style outfits and infectious smiles are a breath of fresh air. That being said, you guys really need to reevaluate your strategy. I understand everybody has to make a living- shit, I have a "college degree" and I walk dogs- but if I ever see you on the train at 9 AM again, I will smash your accordian with a hammer; a hammer made of rage and crankiness. There isn't a single person on the train at that hour who wants what you're selling. We want coffee and solitude. It's not just irritating, it's bad business. Sleep in and save your energy for when the train is crowded with people excited about their weekends. Nobody who gets up that early on a Saturday is doing something cool. We all hate our lives at that hour. Once you enter my life, I hate you too.

Sincerely,

Jack's eroding facade of pleasantness

Oh, they're real and they're spectacular...

You might recall my previous post about a certain illegal product being exhibited in full view by a local deli. Shortly after that post, I felt like I'd ruined it for everybody as the sweet, sweet Loko was removed from the window. However, yesterday they came back with even more Four Loko, providing me with more hope and proof of my outlandish claim. Journalistic integrity win in 3...2...1...

Update: ZOMFG!!!#@!!!!11!!>?!!!!! They sell it in the store. I don't know if it's legal, per se, but it's for sale. I'm about to get loko, bitches.

Silly Super Bowl Picks!

Wow, another Super Bowl I don't care about.

Perhaps I shouldn't complain since my favorite team was in last year's big game, but then again they lost. Aside from that one glorious moment in early 2007, I have to look back to my senior year in high school to find a super bowl that didn't involve either the dreaded Patriots or the dreary/lucksack/dusty finishes-filled Steelers. And best believe when I was 17, I didn't watch a single minute of Bucs v Raiders.

Finally the NFC has a strong brand and halfway decent team representing them. Sure there were the Giants and Saints, two underdogs who proved their worth, but those are the exceptions to a long string of teams such as the Cardinals (yep, it'll never happen again), Bears, Seahawks, McNabb led Eagles, Panthers, Bucs, and before them, the pseudo Rams dynasty. That is a list of crap if I've ever seen one. Meanwhile the AFC has a Steelers, Colts, or Pats representation for the 8th straight year, and 9 out of the last 10.

Predictions:

Ben Roethlisberger makes a series of inexplicable mistakes, some resulting in turnovers. Announcers credit this to his toughness, determination, heroics, and size. Millions of viewers determine this is actually the result of him being from Ohio, where good decisions are illegal.

Donald Driver receives tons of praise for being "old" and has 2 catches for 11 yards.

Aaron Rodgers performs his nauseating "championship belt" gimmick no less than 4 times; announcers love that a white guy celebrates, meanwhile I'm left to wonder why they vilify Chad Ochocinco for his creative and involved post touchdown choreography.

Mike Tomlin never smiles.

James Harrison complains about everything. There are rules bitch. Retire or don't.

Heath Miller makes less impact on the game than Shaun Suisham, who proves that being Canadian does not necessarily make you a good placekicker.

We all reminded why no one likes the color yellow.

Score:

Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 28

Most receiving yards: Emmanuel Sanders

Most rushing yards: no one

Most dropped passes: Hines Ward

Coolest play: Jermichael Finley

Most turnovers: Ben Roethlisberger

Most debonaire player: Mason Crosby

# of Brett Favre references from kickoff to final second, including halftime: 27

# of Vince Lombardi references: 6

# of times the word curtain is said: 56,000

# of poor defensive plays: all of them

Change the style up like Kanye

Did you think this blog was nothing but frivolousness and self-emasculating snark? Today I've got none of the snark but plenty of the self-emasculating for you. It's time for Banteranter's first ever recipe. I've been tweaking a chili recipe for years and it has always been well-received. If you don't like my recipe, blame my friends for being cowards and lying to my face. 


Another Three-Bean Chili Recipe
(You can easily incorporate meat by adding ground beef or ground turkey before the tomato)

2 tablespoons canola oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, crushed and chopped
1 medium green pepper, seeded and chopped

1 medium orange pepper, seeded and chopped

1 30 oz can chopped tomatoes

2 chipotle chiles packed in adobo (or more if you like heat), chopped

2-3 teaspoons adobo from the can (see above)

2 pickled jalapenos, chopped

1 14oz can each black beans, kidney beans and white beans, drained and rinsed

***Spices***

Saute the onion over medium heat for five minutes or until it starts to get a slight char. Add the garlic and peppers and cook for another two minutes. Lower the heat and mix a touch of salt, cayenne pepper and cumin to the pot. Integrate the spices into the veggies and add the tomatoes. Bring the heat back to medium and add the chipotles, adobo and jalapenos. When tomatoes begin to simmer, add the beans and mix everything together. Add spices...

I eyeball my spices so in lieu of specific instructions, take what you will from my spice combination.

Essential spices: Cayenne pepper, paprika, various chili powders (more variety always pays off for me), cumin, onion powder, ginger powder, celery salt.

Optional: Brown sugar, curry powder, garlic powder, cocoa powder.

Secret ingredient: Cinnamon (don't overdo it but I highly recommend sprinkling some in).

Power bombs: Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, peanut butter, dark lager, cider vinegar.

Use a spice combination that you like and lower the heat to a simmer. Cover the pot and and let simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to make sure nothing sticks to the bottom. Serve with any combination of grated cheese, sour cream, cilantro and bacon.

Maybe I'll take some pictures later after doing yoga and buying a $6 croissant so I can complete my transformation to Superyuppie.