iPhone yeah! Champagne yeah!

I'm just posting to brag about getting an iPhone. Yeah, this would have been cool in 2007. Four years behind the times seems about right for the likes of me.

 I'm so jazzed about taking photos on strangers. I got the phone less than a week ago and I've been all up in people's grills in the train in the most awkward conceivable fashion. I am bad at not talking at an extremely high volume or displaying any form of subtlety so it was pretty weird when I pulled the old "pretend like you're posing for a picture so I can photograph that freak over there" right before I left the train. Alas, I'm a shameless asshole, so I get to share things like this:

That was on the L train. That super sexy blue elbow is my girlfriend "posing." If you're unfamiliar, the L train is the magical choo choo train to Hipsterland. I got off on the last stop before Brooklyn. To the surprise of nobody, that woman did not. Then you come across people who are too sad to even bother hiding what you're doing. Take for example the least insecure couple ever:

You can tell how truly happy they are by the way they desperately exhibit their affection for no reason at all. I admired them so much I stood right in front of them and snapped this. Then I put it on Twitter. Yeah, I'm doing that as well. iPhone FTW!

Where are we, Staten Island?

What is this new trend of wearing sunglasses on the train or, worse yet, in the f'ing dark? Every day I see about three to ten people, most of the them guys with buzz cuts wearing athletic pants- presumably year-round- rocking sunglasses in the gloomiest, snowiest of weather. Before you come at me arguing that snow is white and therefore reflects lots of sunlight, I have two things to say to you: first, have you been outside lately? It is fucking dim and depressing out there; second, the kind of guy who wears sunglasses because snow is bright is not the same guy who wears a jacket so flourescent he looks like he's about to audition for a Kanye West video that may or not be shooting in Tokyo. If that guy was so concerned with preparing for the elements he wouldn't have dressed like a jackass. And if he was trying to convey as much of his personality as possible, I think the pre-ripped jeans were more than enough to advertise that he was a douchebag.

I know this is making me come off as a whiney dork but that doesn't make me wrong. Sunglasses are the least applicable attire in a snowstorm. They decrease visibility in a situation where visibility is valued like dry land in Waterworld or Cindy Crawford in 1993. Self high five for two 90s references in the same sentence! Self high five yourself if you get the WCW reference in the previous sentence. If you don't know about wrestling, prepare to be confused.

Haters be hating

I have been called "donk of the year" more than once in my life, though never when the other player wins a hand. I have also never been called this in real life, but should that ever happen, it will surely make my day. Apparently I have also won this award more than once per calendar year.

Return of the unread letter

Dear local bodega owner,

It has come to my attention that you have two bottles of Four Loko prominently displayed in your window. I am formally requesting that you remove these bottles at once. As a local merchant, you must be aware that the precious Loko has been unjustly outlawed in this state. Leaving it out when you know full well that  nobody can taste the sweet nectar inside is torture to a Tantalusian degree (let me Google that for you). I can't even begin to comprehend the kind of monster who would do such a thing. The only logical conclusion then is that you are carrying on New York's fine tradition of bodegas of questionable legality by blazing the trail for black market Four Loko sales; in which case you are the worst at doing illegal things discretely. It's not like drug dealers set up shop by putting dime bags out on a table for the world to see. If you want to sell some Loko without getting arrested, you need to post up in the most conspicuously shady manner possible and whisper "I got that Loko" to passersby. I want you to bring the Loko to the people. The people need their Loko. You can be a hero! And I can go back to making a drink called pink lemonade that isn't girly.*  Don't waste this opportunity.

Your truly,

No longer partying until sunrise

*Lemonade Four Loko, Vodka, Cranberry juice. Yeah, that's how I roll.

What the What?

How come European online poker players use the term "lucker"?

1. I don't care

2. You're confused/myopic

3. Way to make it even easier for Americans to make fun of you with a brand of sarcasm you probably won't understand anyway, because your education, health care, society, and general way of life has been far too enjoyable to comprehend our grizzled humor.

That's J-E-Double-F, J-A-Double-R, E-Double-T!

I had a dream last night where Obama didn't run for his party's nomination and the Republicans were favored to win the presidency in 2012. The oddest thing was that their vice presidential candidate was Helena Bonham Carter. I was fairly peeved about the whole business. If Bodog has her at 100,000-1 to win in a couple years I'll take it is a sign that I need to bet the farm.

It's not free, it's mostly free

This guy knows what I'm talking about

It should be no shocking revelation to you to hear the cost of living is rather high in New York. If that wasn't bad enough, I live in Manhattan, which is basically asking for it. Like so many twenty-somethings with $100k+ pieces of paper these days, I am also somewhat extremely poor. Now I could just give up and move to Queens, but I've got a fake lifestyle to maintain here. In order to keep up my facade of success, I've had to make some adjustments.

Before you got all misty-eyed for the poor middle class white male having to give up his truffle burgers, don't. While I don't eat truffle burgers- on account of me not being a pretentious asshole- I still manage to do most of the things otherwise successful people enjoy. I even eat breakfast certain days of the week. (Thursday is almost here!) I am able to afford such luxuries in part due to the small hustles the world hands to you. Take for example the omnipresent overlord of coffee, Starbucks. Who is this jerk talking about being broke and then buying $4 coffees, you might ask? I'm the asshole who gets free mermaid coffee.

Starbucks has a very reasonable deal of 50¢ refills on any coffee. Even so, a regualr coffee is like two bucks. Why would I pay that when the guy in the street charges 75¢? Because cups are free. Better yet, if you have a Starbucks card, refills are free. Free Cup + Free Card + Diminishing Pride = Free Coffee, Bitches! And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I am honing my radar for any type of place with "Unlimited" toppings. Sure, those toppings are only supposed to go on your sandwich, but who's counting? Tip: Ask for a tray for your sandwich and you're practically set for life. I'm even considering getting into Extreme Couponing. Seriously, this guy got enough cereal to make a pyramid. The only difference between me and him is that sucker gave it away to charity.

So how do this all lead to financial freedom? I also rob banks.

It's T-Shirt Time!

Week 2 of the playoffs brings with us a supposed breath of fresh air, the continuation of a parity filled season, and many uncertainties. Or so they would have you believe. In my mind, this is standard fare stuff. The NFC playoff contenders are a rag-tag bunch of bums, so much so that the two home teams (those with 1st round byes) are dubious at best, a pair of teams that deserve to be where they are, but have little to no chance of winning or even making the Super Bowl. Meanwhile in the AFC, it's the usual suspects, sans Colts, and shit again comes down to Baltimore at Pittsburgh, a game which couldn't avoid a dusty finish if it tried.

My predictions:

Seattle @ Chicago:

Oh my god, Chicago is a 10 point favorite. For reals. I barely want to discuss this game; Chicago is the 2nd stinkiest of all the original playoff teams (and not second to Seattle...), has an overrated defense, and a often inept offense. Seattle will crush them; seriously they might win by 17, but I'll give a reasonable prediction of Seattle 20, Chicago 10.

Green Bay @ Atlanta:

Welcome to overrated, part deux. Green Bay is smoking hot, and may well have the best defense left in the playoffs, certainly the most overlooked one (Pitt and Baltimore perhaps are better, obviously more notorious). I can't envision GB scoring fewer than 3 touchdowns + some field goal, and I don't think Atlanta is dropping anywhere near 30 without some turnover magic.

Green Bay 31, Atlanta 17

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh:

Ahh the AFC, where football is played well. Here's what I've heard so far about this game:

Blah, blah these teams hate/respect each other. Blah, blah they hit hard. Blah, blah these teams represent the blue collar atmosphere of their respective...zzzzz. Ravens fans are intent on having an "Us against the world" attitude, even if no one is hating/talking about them at all. Supposedly it will be scientifically impossible for this game not to be decided by 3 points.

Pittsburgh: 24, Baltimore, 13.

New York Jets @ New England

Do the Jets suck or what? Get more underserved attention guys. Your defense couldn't be more overrated if you had Asante Samuel and James Harrison on your team.

New England 38, NYJ 21.