Week 15 Picks

Indianapolis (-3) vs JACKSONVILLE

Dallas (+7) vs NEW ORLEANS

New England (-7) vs BUFFALO

DETROIT (+12) vs Arizona

Chicago (+11) vs Baltimore

KANSAS CITY (-1.5) vs Cleveland

SAN DIEGO (-7) vs Cincinnati

PITTSBURGH (-1) vs Green Bay

CAROLINA (+9) vs Minnesota

WASHINGTON (+3) vs New York Giants


Leaning towards:

Tampa Bay (+7) vs SEATTLE

Oakland (+14) vs DENVER

Question of the Day

Do you think Glenn Beck is mad at Tiger Woods? It must suck when a golfer's infidelity pushes you out of an already crappy cycle of news.

Book It!

Baseball - Futures (Game) Moneyline

Odds to win the 2010 World Series

All wagers have action.

(102) Baltimore Orioles 100/1 Dec 31/09@8:00p

Risk US$ 3.40 to win US$ 340.00


I thought about holding out for the perennial 150 or 200-1 odds, but then I considered that the Orioles might sign a mid-level DH or something, and the odds would drop a bit. I had to get this while it was hot, before Baltimore goes on its standard April hot streak and gets everyones' hopes up.

I think a more appropriate futures bet would be:

Peter Angelos actually signs a fucking starting pitcher 795,000/1

That's what you get when you name someone Kody

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/06/us/06threat.html


Obama is a "domestic enemy"?

It seems like these nutcases think that Obama defeated Abraham Lincoln in an election or something, as if the shoes that are too big to fill were worn just under two years ago by Martin Luther King Jr, Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Perfect, Johnny Depp, Paul Thomas Anderson, Peyton Manning or some other icon of American success.

Our most recent ex-president cared about two things:

1. Implementing his own twisted vision of who should have what in America, and

2. Not giving a shit

Now we have a president who at least tries to give off the aura of effort, a president who doesn't seem to have an entrenched idea of exactly what should and is going to happen, but is willing to adapt, to actually try and execute plans which have the best chance of improving the lives of ordinary Americans.

It's almost as if Bush was so bad, so purposely destructive at such a high rate of counter-productivity that it becomes easy to lie on his behalf, or to delude oneself into thinking Obama started the Iraq War, the war in Afghanistan, the economic crises, and the mess of public education that is No Child Left Behind.

It's like taking over the St Louis Rams or Tampa Bay Buccaneers and being on the hot seat for only winning a couple games. That probably wouldn't happen. So why is it so with our presidency?

I understand that people like Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Kristol, and the such are paid huge sums of money to lie, pretend, and act like jackasses. It's when ordinary Americans who have little to nothing to gain from such outrageousness start acting like they were born only two weeks ago in Sean Hannity's mini fridge.

On the other hand, there is this.

Huh?

Why is there a rooster outside my window? There's a freaking rooster cock-a-doodle-doing.

It's 1:15 in the afternoon! How lazy is this rooster that he's just waking up? Get with the program, delinquent rooster.

That's what I said!

"Conspiracy theorists are just people looking for an answer where there is no question" - Me

Those who know me best can attest to my tendency to spit out quote worthy, if not necessarily profound, statements in the midst of my usual diet of meaningless gibberish. When you ramble as much as I do, you're bound to say something cool that would totally get on your IMDB page, if only you were famous enough to have an IMDB page. It's simple mathematics people: Talk all day and the odds are you'll eventually say something useful.*

* A moderate level of intelligence may or may not be required to make this hold true.

Good work

On the front page of MSNBC's website, they provide a link to this story:

http://www.thegrio.com/2009/11/when-given-a-choice-of.php

I guess I did too, but in an effort to try to understand what is wrong with our media. Msnbc seriously thinks this is news, it was included as an equivalent to any other link on their page. Besides the fact that it sure is awesome one of the biggest media companies in our country is now outsourcing its work, what the hell are they doing? This is the liberal agenda? Trying to make liberals look like scumbags? I can do that on my own, thank you.

"If you think the math isn't important, you don't know the right math"

Picks for Sunday, November 22nd

(Home team in caps)

DETROIT -3.5 vs Cleveland

Buffalo +9 vs JACKSONVILLE

Pittsburgh -10 vs KANSAS CITY

Indianapolis -2 vs BALTIMORE

NEW YORK -7 vs Atlanta

San Francisco +7 vs GREEN BAY

Seattle +11 vs MINNESOTA

Washington +11 vs DALLAS

TAMPA BAY +11 vs New Orleans

Arizona -9 vs ST LOUIS

NEW ENGLAND -10.5 vs New York

OAKLAND +10 vs Cincinnati

Philadelphia -3 vs CHICAGO

HOUSTON -4.5 vs Tennessee

You might think I took it too far

I cooked some black beans and chick peas. Clearly it is nothing out of the ordinary to add the requisite onions and garlic. Two kinda of hot peppers on top of that? Sure. Some cajun powder? Why not? Hot chili powder too? Of course.

At this point I realized I would be foresaking one of my deepest values if I didn't include crushed red pepper as well. It's when I went for the second serving of wasabi ginger sauce that I began to consider that I may be insane. Truth be told I still wanted to add hot sauce, and really, I don't know what stopped me.

I give this dish a 6 on the spice-o-meter. I'll see if i can top myself tomorrow.

Miss the obvious

Meaning that ESPN is based in Connecticut and so clearly the insidiousness prevalent in that state has managed to warp even the most objective sports analysts' mental acuity. Thus, just because Peyton Manning threw a whopping two interceptions during the football game does not mean the New England Patriot's defense contained him.

Let's think about 4 things and then stop being dumb, for Capt. Evil made the right choice:

1. When Stephen Gostkowski made his last field goal I thought, "13 points is fewer than 14".

2. The Patriots were up by 17 points in the 4th quarter. How is a 6-3 team that blows this lead with no turnovers in the last 15 minutes better than a 9-0 team? Thanks anyway Trent Dilfer, and to a lesser extent, that kinda fat annoying guy with slick brown hair who gets a tiny bit of SportsCenter air time.

3. Bill Belichick was completely wrong to think his defense couldn't stop a Colts team that had dropped 4 touchdowns all game, their last 3 td drives averaging far less than 3 minutes, from scoring one more with (gasp!) two minutes to play! Sike.

4. The Patriots are 63+% on 4th down and 2 or fewer yards to go with Tom Brady as quarterback. Just make sure not to run it with 2 chances to get 2 yards, and ignore the fact that you have some guy named Randy Moss on your team.

The most important theme from tonight's game is not which quarterback chokes in the clutch, and which has superior talent and mental/emotional durability, as that has clearly been answered. It is simply that both of the following two teams-the New England Patriots or the Indianapolis Colts-might care about the rest of the regular season, but for far different reasons.

Enjoy playing in southern Ohio come January narfburglars.

I like this guy

We Can Do This

Bill Maher on the republican party, yesterday:

"They looked to the future, and they saw the radio."

Great

The outcome of sports' seasons are getting quite lame. The last titles in the 4 major sports? New York, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh. Swell. It's kind of like Walmart, Nike, Proctor &

Gamble, and Comcast winning consumer choice awards.

Well fuck you too

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091104/ap_on_el_st_lo/us_gay_marriage_maine

Americans seem to get so much more riled up for situations where they can be against something rather than in support of an ideal. To put it another way, we are drinking the haterade. It's time to realize that a lack of effort equals inaction, and an inability to counter this "anti" fervor is tantamount to failure.

The number of individuals who actually support gay marriage, and how said people fit along the bandwidth of bigotry are factors decreasing in importance in the modern struggle to implement common sense and gay rights in our society. It has become an issue of who can yell the loudest, and it's plain foolish for progressives to think that leading up to one of these stupid ballot measures there won't be some town crier and his band of hooligans trailing closely behind.

I don't have enough information to criticize the effort of the pro-gay marriage supporters in Maine, or their execution and impact. It's fine if they thought it was only about Maine, but 2 seconds of thought would clearly reveal that's not how our contemporary media works. Possibly, they thought completely the opposite, and were unable to acutely focus on appealing to local voters. Either way, the right wing always seems to feel they are fighting a nationwide battle with widespread implications-even on the local level-and whether valid or not, it appears to be a consistently motivating factor for voters on cultural issues.

Perhaps the rest of us have an inability to think so grandiosely, a quality which is often unattractive and damaging. Yet with an utter refusal to frame the gay marriage debate in even somewhat truthful or logical terms, we will continue being at the mercy of the right wing. We may laugh when they say they're doing something bigger than themselves, but perhaps some focus beyond only self-serving issues might someday be useful to the rest of us. Zealots come in many shape and forms, and seem to be of increasing value come election day.

It's not about other countries laughing at us, it's not about the prejudices you hate or the ones you hang on to, it's not about it being cool to take a stance, or hating conservatives, supporting or opposing gay marriage for no particular reason, it's not about trying to be trendy, and it's not about your own marriage or concept thereof. It is a simple matter of human and civil rights.

I'd like to believe at some point in my lifetime this nation can move on to arguing about issues which actually have more than one valid side to them, issues with some texture and grey area which are more convoluted than the black and white topics shoved down our face every day.

Then I think, and I realize maybe that's not what it's about either. I'm an effort to dodge the conflict and difficulty associated with the gay marriage debate, and truly, the issue of homosexuality in America as a whole, I am losing any vision of a solution. Perhaps because I'm not on the fence about this, I just feel like it should end a certain way so we can move on. That's not only short-sighted, but ignorant as well. It isn't for the reason that my belief necessarily devalues the effort put forth by gay rights supporters, but rather because it overvalues the level of communication and understanding within our culture.

Myself, along with many other Americans, have to realize that these goals haven't been reached, and that expectation alone accomplishes very little, especially as long as there is at least one person on the other side of the aisle, screaming as loudly as they possibly can.

In the 1950's

There was network television. For some of us, that's still the case. Clearly the cablephiles reading are already lost, therefore I will present information relevant to your brain.

Best Comedies:

NBC

ABC

FOX

CBS

This really is the ugliest television category possible. People are so used to there being "comedy" on tv that they don't realize there isn't any. I don't mean isn't as in 'there aren't 3 funny shows in television', but otherwise take that statement as literally as possible. There may not be 4 funny shows on TV, let alone network tv, but this list merely reflects an understanding of the following:

NBC has the funniest show, and is probably the only network channel with more than one funny show. CBS is actually so blatantly horrific that I would be fine with putting the CW and whatever UPN has turned into in your area well ahead of CBS in this category. I don't even know of any comedies on the CW, but when the guy from Two and a Half Men (who's not Charlie Sheen!) is winning an emmy, Ray Romano is bigger than the CEO, and we're dealing with the channel that is bringing a Jenna Elfman project to the small screen while still maintaining the best ratings, I simply have no sympathy for CBS.

Sports Coverage:

ABC

CBS

FOX

NBC

FOX is so cheesy and will never get any better. You know how they have those super awkward shots of football players faces as they introduce themselves, then have nothing to say for like 7 seconds? Now they have that for robots! FOX has an animated robot acting awkward and blocking a quarter of the screen during a sporting event. It makes no sense to me. NBC is terrible and ruins everything they touch sports wise. Al Michaels, Marv Albert, Bob Costas, it just gets worse and worse. Even the Olympics make my veins dry up and turn to chili peppers.

Best Dramas:

ABC

NBC

FOX

CBS

I'm putting ABC first because of Lost and Life on Mars, but really because they and FOX are the only ones that take chances with their dramas, and FOX's "chances" are usually the same thing. True-Flash Forward, an ABC show I have no plans of ever watching-looks a lot like Lost, but ABC has had tons of semi-risky almost decent shows, easily placing itself ahead of:

NBC (Law & Order, Law & Order: Cum Police, Law & Order: The Donofrio Hovercraft, Nerds, This is Arquette), CBS (CSI: MXDL, Num 3 Ers, and a multitude of shows where fancy, and it has to be fancy groups of law-enforcement types successfully solve murders while trying to remain sexy), and FOX (24).

News Coverage:

NBC

CBS

ABC

FOX

Truly, there are three 3rd place finishers, and one 4th. NBC is owned by GE, which has its hands in so many things I doubt I'd even be informed about it. ABC is owned by Disney, and CBS by Viacom. Brian Williams is superior to Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson, and while I used to give FOX a glimmer of credit for airing The Simpsons and Seinfeld while other networks aired local and national news, the beast now shows it's own combo of local news+TMZ. Murdoch.

Reality Shows:

ABC

NBC

CBS

FOX

I don't like reality shows. I do however like Jeopardy, which airs on ABC and certainly fits in this category, since most network reality shows are game shows revolving around a prize anyway. NBC gets second place simply because I don't know of any reality shows on this channel. CBS gets third because it's not FOX, and 4th goes to the makers of Temptation Island, Nanny 911, American Idol (I consider this one bad, have your own opinions), and trying to air Celebrity Mole after the original broadcasted on ABC.

Lobster in just 20 minutes!

Three steps to maybe not sucking so much when Mariano Rivera pitches to you:

1. Always swing at the 1st pitch. Don't fool yourself into thinking a guy who's played since the '20's is tossing the first one in the dirt.

2. Stop trying to hit home runs.

3. Never swing at any pitch thrown on a 0-2 or 1-2 count.

4. Bunt

Without further ado, my NBA regular season predictions for 2009-10, with each team's X-Factor in parentheses.

ATLANTIC

Boston (Kevin Garnett)

Philadelphia (Elton Brand)

New York (Larry Hughes)

Toronto (Hedo Turkoglu)

New Jersey (Courtney Lee/Chris Douglas-Roberts)

CENTRAL

Chicago (Joakim Noah)

Cleveland (Shaq I guess; I want to say Mo Williams, but we're trying to be reputable here at br)

Indiana (Granger can't do it all-Hibbert, Head, and Ford)

Detroit (Ben Gordon)

Milwaukee (Mbah a Moute?)

SOUTHEAST

Orlando (Vince Carter)

Atlanta (Al Horford or Marvin Williams sure, but this is the resurrection)

Washington (Gilbert Arenas)

Miami (Michael Beasley)

Charlotte (Tyson Chandler)

NORTHWEST

Portland (The presence of Steve Blake pales in comparison to that of Juwan Howard)

Denver (Kenyon Martin)

Utah (Andrei Kirilenko)

Oklahoma City (Jeff Green)

Minnesota (Corey Brewer)

PACIFIC

L.A. Lakers (Ron Artest, Shannon Brown, Adam Morrison-in that order)

Phoenix Suns (Channing Frye)

L.A. Clippers (Baron Davis)

Golden State Warriors (Monta Ellis)

Sacramento Kings (___)

SOUTHWEST

Dallas (Shawn Marion)

New Orleans (Emeka Okafor)

San Antonio (Tim Duncan)

Houston (Tracy McGrady)

Memphis (Allen Iverson)

Yo

Check out this ocelot. I want this ocelot as a pet. I will love him and feed and make him the happiest kitteh around. Must be the bedroom eyes.

Bring the Good Stuff

I hope these hiccups aren't the end of me.

When the worlds of football, religion, and apologies collide!

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4585346

My favorite part?

Either:

a) That giving deference to anything somewhat Christian is mandatory in our society

b) This mascot was enough of a jerk to do this, and his team lost 20-0

c) It's pretty funny

d) No one thinks it's silly or sacrilegious to pray for good things to happen in football. Granted, I guess this guy was doing it after scoring, so a thank you to God is perhaps better than some coach asking God for victory in a game determined by skill. Do board members go into meetings seriously asking God to make them victorious? Probably.

e) "On behalf of Goldy..."

Watch out world, it's Ben Foster

Normally, October is the month which begins to usher in the wave of movies which I might actually want to go and see. This year it seems like a taller order, given that I've been to the theaters 3, maybe 4 times so far this year. It really goes without saying, however, that months October-January can often have twice the number of good films released during the other eight months.

So far, it's not looking good. Here's what I'm working with:

Yes: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Maybe: Me and Orson Welles, Up in the Air, Fantastic Mr. Fox

Probably not: Sherlock Holmes, The Box, The Men Who Stare at Goats, It's Complicated

I doubt it but you never know: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Saw VI

Please: Armored, 2012, The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, Old Dogs, Did You Hear About the Morgans, Amelia

Rank my life

The following is a list of states I have been to, in order of how much I liked them. I will try to remain as subjective as possible, ignoring as many factors that run contrary to my beliefs as I can.

I will however, try to exclude from my reasoning whether or not I had a good time while I was there, as well as the reputation of the particular state.

After that, I will list the states I haven't been in order of my desire to go. States that I have only visited within the constraints of an airport will slip into the have not been list.

The Best:

1. Maryland---So many terrains! Mountains, cities, oceans, rivers, swamps, suburbs, it's all within a few hours. The second best seafood I've ever have, and a healthy mix of rude urbanites, down to earth youth, and kind rednecks. Baltimore is also my 2nd favorite city in the country. A strange mixture of self-deprecation and reassuring confidence assures that the middle rules the state, probably because social advancement is obstructed by an insistence on drinking a variety of shitty, cheap beer. The sprawl of suburbs may spell cultural doom for part of the state, but at least some jackass is making money from it.

2. Virginia---Northern Virginia might be the worst place in America, but the rest of the state is beautiful. Also, things are cheap. Not Brooklyn cheap, but actually affordable. Generally everything near the Chesapeake Bay watershed is fairly awesome, with the exception of most of the people. Far more progressive than many of it's northern counterparts.

3. Louisiana---I went through it when I was little, but since forgot. A somewhat recent trip to New Orleans made me certain it is the coolest city I've ever been to. Maybe one of the only places left where you can hear good live music at a bar without the presence of complete toolbags or an air of false superiority. In New Orleans, you can smoke inside, drink outside, get incredible food for less than 5 dollars and gamble all in one establishment. The people are nice, removed of the mandatory bitterness which plagues lifelong residents of the east coast I am under the impression the rest of the state has some deep social problems, but also an upside as well.

4. Texas---Far less redneck than society would have you believe, numerous big cities and a huge and diverse countryside. The people possess a different perspective than the rest of the nation, though it's hard to pinpoint what it is. Great food. Women who like sports. Home of some of the most brilliant artists in American history.

5. New York---Pros: New York City, and a casino 6 hours away where you can gamble at the age of 18. Also, Rochester seemed kinda cool. My dad tells me far up north is gorgeous. Cons: Donald Trump, Poughkeepsie, Binghamton, Verona, people who live 20 minutes outside of the city but say they're from "upstate", middle class Long Island, upper class Long Island, the Village, hot trains, the metro-north, Jeffrey Mayer, Times Square, Jets fans, and an unyielding power to cause every white person to believe it's the coolest conversation piece ever and tell you they've lived there if they've ever spent more than 6 consecutive days in the city.

6. Pennsylvania---So many Cracker Barrels. An infinite array of interstates. My girlfriend. Philadelphia. Mike Mussina. How something so close to New Jersey could still have any beauty and amount of pleasant people is beyond me. It's far less crappy than I thought it would be.

7. California---Not as cool as the world thinks. Still somewhat unique. A state this big is just bound to have cool and whack sections, but at least the cities have a distinctly different feel than those on the east coast. Awesome hills/mountains close to the ocean, and the most casinos of any state in the country. Everyone thinks they are the coolest, even if they still where Jnco jeans and eat at Chipotle. They also have an utter refusal not to believe each person is more unique than the next, despite the fact that they listen to Green Day, Dave Matthews Band, or Jack Johnson.

8. New Jersey---If NJ didn't have Atlantic City, it would plummet even further. Still, the northwest section of the state is ridiculously awesome, and as far removed from the national stereotype of this state as it can be. That being said, man the stereotype is so apt. If you're a total douchebag, don't feel like being in shape, making sense, treating anyone with an appropriate amount of respect, choosing between liking Philly or New York sports teams and can't get a date anywhere, move to New Jersey. You won't be allowed to pump your gas and you can listen to inane stories about how towns 15 minutes away from each other are so different.

Great bagels-in many cases, superior to New York City's.

9. Delaware---It's close enough to Maryland and Pennsylvania to be an acceptable amalgamation of both. Not terrible, not really unique, unless you count a lack of uniqueness as a sign of originality. It's known as the 1st state for a reason. Have you ever seen the Delaware bit from "Wayne's World"? Totally apt.

11. Nevada---I've been to Reno and it's dumb. I went to Vegas and the Hoover Dam when I was 17. A statewide insistence on being libertarian, though I kinda think to most people that just means acting like a jackass and being able to defend it with a paltry understanding of said political affiliation.

12. North Carolina---I've only been to one part of the state since the age of 6. It's kinda nice. Cigarettes are $2.50. Feel how you like about that. I've heard the western part of the state is peaceful, and Charlotte is quickly becoming one of the biggest metropolises in the nation. Once while tripping, I called it a 'financial whirlwind' despite having never been there. Still one of my finest moments.

13. Rhode Island---Honestly, If I spent more time in West Virginia, I have a feeling I'd bump it ahead of Rhode Island. To be fair, being geographically stuck between Massachusetts and Connecticut means this state never really had a chance. Still, how does Providence not have a pro sports team? The following small and in some cases, lesser known cities have them (and even Hartford used to have a hockey team): Portland, Memphis, Nashville, Milwaukee, Green Bay, Salt Lake City, Jacksonville, New Jersey, Orlando, Buffalo, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, and Sacramento. Seriously! Green Bay and Sacramento? And Buffalo has 2! Rhode Island is doing something wrong.

13. West Virginia---I've only been to the towns closest to Maryland, and I was noticeably unimpressed. It's like a watered down version of the West Virginia sterotype in those area. Oh, once I went to a resort with my Granddad deeper in the state and it was great, but it's no representation. I did have a really awesome roommate from Charleston, which is possibly more cosmopolitan than people think. I hear Morgantown's (home of WVU) streets flow with vomit though. Also people from Maryland go there to gamble, thus ensuring their money goes towards corruption in a different state. I know nothing of the middle of the state, and despite the unending jokes, I feel most Americans have about the same level of knowledge as me.

14. Massachusetts---Oh boy, does this place suck. It's known for having pretty leaves in the fall. Seriously? That's what it's known for. And really, I think Vermont is better known for that. What a terrible category to be famous for being 2nd in. Boston is an awesome city for about 20 minutes, but not necessarily the 1st 20 minutes. You never know when that really sweet 20 minutes will come by, and to get there you have to deal with the largest, most unfathomable, illogical wave of crappiness this side of The Santa Clause. Loud, mean people, terrible sports fans, a silly puritan influence juxtaposed with an inability to deal with a widespread alcoholism problem all set against the backdrop of a fairly regressive society. Undoubtedly, the most racist place I have ever been in my life.

15. Connecticut/Ohio (tie)---Oooo boy. What to say? Have you ever been to Connecticut?

As a caveat, I've never been to Cleveland or Cincinnati, and Columbus is nice. really clean. Still, Ohio has got to be the most redneck state I've ever seen. And not like, "we eat possum, have sex with our cousins, kill intruders, but still maintain a local agricultural economy and have small businesses" redneck. More like McDonald's+McDonald's+the Gap+anger+a suffocating existence+the KKK+McDonald's kind of redneck.

States I haven't been to, can't remember, or have only driven through:

1. Idaho 13. North Dakota 25. Alabama

2. Montana 14. Missouri 26. Florida

3. Mississippi 15. Utah 27. Nebraska

4. Hawaii 16. Tennessee 28. Kansas

5. Alaska 17. Georgia 29. Michigan

6. South Carolina 18. Washington 30. Arizona

7. South Dakota 19. New Mexico 31. Indiana

9. Oregon 21. Iowa 32. Arkansas

11. Kentucky 23. Wisconsin 33. Oklahoma

12. Minnesota 24. Colorado 34. New Hampshire

Baseball is silly

If there was a prize for drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade in an hour, I would get at least a bronze. Without having recently eaten dinner, I'm sure I could put away a gallon in 30 minutes.

Psshhhhhhh

I dropped a Lincoln betting on Middle Tennessee State to beat Troy (of Alabama, not Iliad fame) tonight. It seemed like a good idea: The Blue Raiders had beaten Memphis, North Texas, and Maryland (a sad day), while Troy had lost to Florida by 50 this year.

A lock of a bet gained even more certainty when I saw the name of Middle Tennessee's quarterback: Dwight Dasher. Too cool right?. His parents are truly brilliant.

Unfortunately Middle Tennessee chose to punt like 3 times from the Troy 35 yard line in the first half, and found themselves down 14-0 early. At that point I discovered something which I knew had doomed me to a loss---the names of three Troy wide receivers.

Josh Jarboe, Shawn Southward, and Jerrel Jernigan.

I never had a chance.

They will be who we thought they would be

Sunday represents a turning point in the NFL season. After four games, records will be important enough to influence which teams will be likely to make or miss the playoffs. Excitement for the novelty of the season beginning will be replaced by the energy powering intense media scrutiny. Players, coaches, and teams will be instantly categorized, even if it does mean in week 14 you'll like like an idiot for thinking the Broncos were going to make the playoffs.

Win or no playoffs for you, Week 4:

All the 0-3 teams, plus Washington, Arizona, Houston, Buffalo, Dallas, Jacksonville, and Chicago

Most of the teams that would need to win by merely Week 4 are just so bad that any talk of playoffs is just unnecessary anyway. There are differing reasons for the teams listed above. Washington would lack the confidence needed to turn a season around if they lose to Tampa Bay on Sunday. The same level of embarrassment applies to Dallas if they lose. Arizona falls somewhere in the middle, a 1-3 record would basically mean they are not improving on last season. Buffalo can't lose a divisional game, and along with Houston they understand that even 11-5 is sometimes not good enough for a wild card in the AFC.

Still doesn't matter:

Indianapolis, NY Giants, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, and San Diego

All these teams will still be favorites to make the playoffs even with losses this weekend.

Something to prove:

Baltimore, NY Jets, Denver, Green Bay, San Francisco, and Miami

Something to lose:

New England, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Tennessee

I like the following picks:

San Diego (+7) vs Pittsburgh

New Orleans (-7) vs NY Jets

Tennessee (-3) vs Jacksonville

Miami (+2.5) @ Buffalo

Money in the bank: Cincinnati (-6) vs Cleveland

Slobberknocker of the week: Baltimore @ New England

Picks!

I feel like football is probably the easiest sport to enjoy if you're team surely is/going to be crappy for the season. Basketball might be #1, because of the speed and awesome plays involved, and the fact that an 81 game season adds an air of casualness. I can certainly say that baseball sucks the maximum amount of air possible if you're team is out. Somehow, in a sport in which the season lasts a whopping 162 games, at least 20 teams are guaranteed to miss the playoffs by the end of June, if not May.

Week 3 Picks (pick on left, home team in italics)

Houston (-4) vs Jacksonville

Denver (-2) vs Oakland

Washington (-6) vs Detroit

New England (-4.5) vs Atlanta

Indianapolis (+2.5) vs Arizona

New Orleans (-6) vs Buffalo

San Diego (-6) vs Miami

Thoughts:

I'm sure one can see that all but one pick are favorites. I do think some underdogs have a chance to win this week, but the spreads are for the most part, fairly thin. Seattle hosts Chicago in a possible let down game for the Bears (-2.5), but Seattle could easily lose by a field goal. That's pretty much how overtime works in the NFL, someone loses by 3 points.

The Steelers (-4.5) traveling to play the Bengals is closer to a choice for taking the points, but the Steelers have dominated this matchup for awhile now, and can muster a 6 point victory.

I'd probably pick the Jets to beat the Titans, so maybe I'm missing that game in the above list, but for now I will succumb to my genetic predisposition towards believing the Jets are awful.

As for the picks I did make, Washington can't beat many teams right now, but Detroit is one of them. Everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon of a team that's lost 19 in a row, but they haven't even come close to losing by even a touchdown this season. The Colts are clearly superior to the Cardinals, who themselves haven't played good defense in about 638 years.

Jacksonville might end up having one of the worst 5 records in the league, depending on how the epic battle with St. Louis goes in two weeks. The AFC South divisional games always seem to play to a tight final score, but it seems to me the Texans are on the upswing while Jacksonville falls the other direction.

How much would it take?

This is a vote/answer sort of question. There's just no poll. Listed below will be a variety of foods, or in some cases, things. Out of the following, which price would you soonest expect to see in this country, outside of obvious always over priced settings (airport, casino, amusement park, sports game, etc)? Or do any of these prices already exist?

A. Cup of regular coffee, no frills ---(hypothetical price) $5

B. Turkey/Ham sandwich --- $10

C. Pack of cigarettes --- $20

D. Slice of pizza --- $5

E. Cheeseburger --- $15

F. 12 oz can of soda --- $2

G. 6 pack of any crappy light beer (Bud, Natty, Keystone, etc) --- $12

H. Movie ticket --- $17

I. Ketchup at a fast food restaurant --- $.50

J. Order of french fries, no stuff on top --- $5

K. Interstate toll --- $10

L. The bus --- $4

Week Two

Along the vein of talk radio hosts and burly ex-players who actually get paid to make rash, biased, and formulaic predicitons about America's favorite sport, it's time to break down some NFL Week 2 games with thoughts about the future of the season.

My observations while watching the Week 1 games occured in the following sequence:

The Redskins are gawful; I wish I had ESPN; You mean the Colts are going to play defense this year; The Patriots are so annoying; Week 1 means very little; Oh no, am I going to have to hear about the Jets being good; Wow, every announcer and pundit on television seems to think Week 1 means everything; Wait, it's okay-the Jets won't have 12 wins a season anytime before 2525; The Chargers are overhyped, what a strangely familiar feeling...

Aside: Of course we live in a society where people desperately want Kanye West's career to fall apart because he had an opinion at a stupid, tool-fest of an awards show, but not because he's made millions from several songs that suck. "Home" was good, though. The remixed one. But seriously, anyone who gets that heated because Taylor Swift beat Beyonce in anything that doesn't have "skinniest corporate puppet" engraved on the trophy should find other things to care about.

Like this. If I had enough of my soul left, I probably would have cried. I want to be this guy's friend, and as for the Ukranian who purposely dropped his title in an effort towards self-preservation, holy shit, you are so much more mature than me. I'm sad just thinking about it.

Here's some popcorn:

Worst Week 1 performance- Really, really, hard to name anyone besides St. Louis here. The only victim of a shutout, I should note they had an injured quarterback and had to play in what I believe to be the most difficult stadium in the league. The Bengals and Broncos are very close to winning this one though, as both teams should be ashamed to lose to the other. Kinda like an Orioles vs Nationals interleague baseball game. That week 1 Arizona-San Francisco game is often quite close and wasn't too surprising, but I'm gonna have to give worst performace to Troy Aikman. Don't bet against a repeat next Sunday. Crap, I forgot about the Panthers. They are the blurst.

Best performance-Falcons. Maybe the Jets or Packers. Atlanta beat a division winner, but the Jets were on the road. It could easily go to a comeback fueled victory by the 49'ers who not only defeated a division rival and Super Bowl runner up on the road, but did it on the back of oft-maligned quarterback Shawn Hill, a University of Maryland graduate who is now 8-3 as a starter in the NFL.

Coolest play-Not this. That was dumb. This is what's up. I'm biased. Still, the Wayne catch could only be considered unimpressive compared to the others in a career of ridiculous grabs.

Week 2 Picks:

New England (-4)

Green Bay (-9)

Detroit (+10)

Indianapolis (-3.5)

New York Giants (+3)

Lock of the Week:

Atlanta (-6)

Shoe-in of the Week:

Seattle (+1.5)

A perfect season in the making?

I managed to make it through one whole football game without making a losing pick. Amazing! Somehow I don't see this record surviving the weekend. Onto to the (hastily made) picks.

Home teams in caps

Kansas City (+13) over BALTIMORE [Over 36]

Denver (+4.5) over CINCINNATI [Under 42.5]

CLEVELAND (+4.5) over Minnesota [Under 40]

NY Jets (+4.5) over HOUSTON [Under 44]

INDIANAPOLIS (-7) over Jacksonville [Over 44.5]

NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Detroit [Over 49]

ARIZONA (-6) over San Francisco [Over 46]

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Chicago [Under 46]

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo [Over 47.5]

San Diego (-9) over OAKLAND [Over 43]

Quick Hit

Holy moly I made it through another off-season. I'm too excited to form coherent sentences. Here's my first of many attempts at beating the betting lines this season:

TITANS (+ 6.5)

UNDER 36 Points

The Steelers will win, but not by a touchdown. Field goals galore tonight! Steelers win 16-10.

Hooray for unsupported NFL predictions!

And my god, hooray for football! At the time of this post, we are roughly 24 hours away from the glorious return of football. Will this inspire more activity on the blog? Who gives a shit!? Football is back! Now to make sound predictions and wild accusations in the hopes of more than 50% of them making sense...

AFC East

1. New England Patriots

2. Miami Dolphins

3. Buffalo Bills

4. New York Jets

Boy, that Tom Brady sure looks healthy again. And Randy Moss sure is the perfect receiver to go with him. Fuck my life. The Pats are preseason favorites to win it all and it's hard to argue with that right now.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

2. Baltimore Ravens

3. Cincinnati Bengals

4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers and Ravens will once again beat the snot out of each other and the rest of the league. I think the Bengals and Browns can both improve this year, but neither team is anywhere near the playoff picture.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts

2. Tennessee Titans

3. Houston Texans

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

It's hard to see the Titans staying on top with Kerry Collins under center for a full season and Albert Haynesworth gone for that ridiculous contract (7 years, $100 million) from the Redskins. I like the Texans as an improving team, but Matt Schaub is on the verge of getting the permanent injury prone label. If/when he goes down, so does the Texans' season. Oh, and Peyton Manning is kind of a genius. Look for the Colts to exceed expectations and make another serious run at a Super Bowl. Will it be Peyton's last chance?

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers

2-4. Who gives a fuck?

How many key Chargers players have to go down before this isn't a lock? Two? Three? Philip Rivers takes over this year and makes a run at his first MVP trophy.

AFC Wild Cards: Ravens, Titans

I didn't want to pick the Titans here, but they get in based on their easy schedule (AFC East and NFC West) and my belief that there is a major drop off in the AFC after the top five teams.

NFC East

1. New York Giants

2. Philadelphia Eagles

3. Washington Redskins

4. Dallas Cowboys

Am I the only person not buying all this Eagles hype? What exactly makes them favorites in the NFC? Is it Andy Reid's refusal to run the football combined with his inability to manage the clock? Is it that they still don't know how to convert on third down? Perhaps it's the aging defense and injury plagued training camp? McNabb and Westbrook have enough talent to get this team to the playoffs, where they will once again come up short. I'll hold back my other opinions on this division for now because I will have plenty to say as the season progresses. GO GIANTS!

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers

2. Minnesota Vikings

3. Chicago Bears

4. Detroit Lions

I figure Brett Favre is good to lose about 1.5 games completely on his own. Everybody kept saying the Vikings were a QB away from Super Bowl contention. The Vikings are still a QB away from Super Bowl contention. I think Chicago is heading in the right direction with Jay Cutler, but give it a year before everything comes together. Despite my doubts about Ryan Grant as a feature back, the Packers have enough talent and a good coach to get back on top and officially rid themselves of Brett Favre. OOOOOO! It sure will be interesting to see if a Packer can break one of Favre's brittle, brittle bones. I won't exactly shed a tear if it goes down that way.

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons

2. New Orleans Saints

3. Carolina Panthers

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

As much as I love Drew Brees and his bro scar, he can't carry that team alone. If Reggie Bush gets his shit together and finds a way to have a couple 100 yard RUSHING games, I will eat crow here. For now, it's all about Matty Ice, whatever Michael Turner's nickname is and whoever the hell else plays for Atlanta.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks

2. Arizona Cardinals

3. San Francisco 49ers

4. St. Louis Rams

Kurt Warner is 38. I'm willing to bet against Arizona based on that single piece of information. The Seahawks rally behind Matt Hasselbeck to bring this division back to glorious mediocrity. Bonus points to the division if Mike Singletary drops his pants again.

NFC Wild Cards: Eagles, Saints

Expect to see a ton of teams contending for the Wild Card late in the season. Should make for some interesting action around the league. I'm picking Philly and New Orleans because they're the best two teams in the mix, but small changes of fortune can swing this in all sorts of directions.

Best Record: Pittsburgh Steelers

Best Record (NFC): New York Giants

Worst Record: Oakland Raiders

Team Most Likely to finish 8-8: Buffalo Bills

AFC Sleepers: Houston Texans

NFC Sleepers: San Francisco 49ers, Washington Redskins

First coach fired: Jack Del Rio (Jacksonville Jaguars)

Soon followed by: Wade Phillips (Dallas Cowboys), Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals), John Fox (Carolina Panthers)

Fired at the end of the year: Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills), Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings)

Fired if they miss the playoffs: Sean Peyton (New Orleans Saints), Andy Reid (Philadelphia Eagles)

Coach of the Year: Already addressed

Will Michael Vick be significant? NO

Will TO cause trouble in Buffalo? NO

Does anybody care about TO anymore? Only if you live in Buffalo

Will a Bengals player get arrested this year? You betcha!

Comeback Player of the Year: Osi Umenyiora (New York Giants)

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Percy Harvin (Minnesota Vikings)

Defensive Rooke of the Year: Fuck if I know

Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Defensive Player of the Year: Ed Reed will destroy us all!

MVP Runners-up: Tom Brady, Philip Rivers (San Diego Chargers), Peyton Manning

MVP: Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings)

Least Valuable Player: Brett Favre

NFC Championship: Giants vs. Falcons

AFC Championship: Chargers vs. Colts

Super Bowl 44 A.K.A the Obama Bowl!: Giants vs. Colts

Winner: The Indianapolis Colts win the Manning/Obama Bowl! Peyton out-pouts Eli for all the glory.

Thoughts:

If you ever see some random white kid get really mad when he gets carded for trying to buy beer, he is certainly under the age of 21.

Reasons:

1. If he has a hat which reps no particular sports team, but advertises either some kind of skateboarding company or a color.

2. Anyone over the age of 21 merely gives a "Really? This is what you're doing? I don't bring my ID cause I'm old. I guess it's your job. Sigh..." look.

3. Alcohol is sold so many places in America, anyone over the drinking age can just go next door and accomplish the goals for the evening 7 seconds later.

4. Kids and middle aged men drink beer, people who know what's up buy liquor.

A prize for thee, if ye answers questions of three

These must be answered without looking at the internet. If you cheat, understand you should feel bad about yourself. If you don't feel bad about yourself, go to McDonald's.

1. There are two states within the contiguous portion of America which have exactly zero Amtrak stations. Can you name them?

2. What was the last state to repeal prohibition?

3. Which American city with at least 2 professional sports teams has the longest current streak (in terms of years) of not making the playoffs in any of said sports?

Lebron James should stay in Cleveland for his whole career

Lebron James should be a Cav for life. Great sports town. Great coach. In that town he is truly KING James. No one else will have an offer good enough for him this summer either... especially not the KNICKS. Why would he go to my beloved hometown? To rebuild with (maybe) Nate Robinson and (hopefully) David Lee? As the CG lizard says, "NO WAAAYYY!"

Yes, Shaq will be useless in a couple years (sorry big man, I love you, but you're gonna be 80 soon). Yes, Delonte West is out of his mind (http://tinyurl.com/lrqsrc). Yes, they have 2 starting centers for no reason. Yes, Varejao is goofy and obnoxious. BUT, this team has a chance to be very very good. And why would Lebron ditch what he's given birth to? For more media and more fame? If he's smart, he'll realize: winning=$ ... and he'll stay in Ohio.

Preseason Means Everything

I don't really mean that, but that in itself means very little. Just because one year preseason shows no trends for understanding playoffs, doesn't mean another year has to replicate it right?

The American Football Conference is a harsh, yet inviting midwife-always providing a strong and passionate effort, but remaining firm and sterile throughout the distress. Apparently, New England is a near-consensus pick to win the AFC Championship, or at the very least enter the playoffs as the conference's number one seed. The Patriots have done this before, making and winning the Super Bowl of 2001, only not miss out on the playoffs the next year, beating an AFC east rival in the final game of the season, only to lose the division's only playoff spot to a third AFC foe on tiebreakers. Bellicheck claims Brady played much of that season injured, nevertheless, the Patriots won the super bowl the following year, dashing a very rare hope for defending the title in Tampa Bay.

On a different note, the Pittsburgh Steelers are this year's defending champions. It is extremely difficult to win even consecutive conference crowns, but the Steelers seemed to have upgraded in the Cowher-Tomlin transition, and it doesn't hurt when 98% of the league's referee's are from Pennsylvania. I'm just kidding, and maybe mesmorized by how their season always seems to rely on a steady stream of close plays going their way. Plus running out the clock, of course. They are going to need a better running game than last year to have a shot. Wait, they play 4 games against teams from Ohio. Never mind.

The San Diego Chargers are supposed to be good ever year.

Here are some picks:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots

2. Buffalo Bills

3. Miami Dolphins

4. New York Jets

All the time I hear, this division is so tough. Take the Patriots out and what do you have? In order according to my picks: the Bills haven't made the playoffs since the Taft administration, though I do remember my elementary school gym teacher adored them to no end, and had his office smothered with the team's posters. After that last super bowl, they were on the wrong end of the Music City Miracle, and haven't done much since. I thought the Jets would forever go 9-7 and lose the first play off game, until they found a way to be worse. The only time the Dolphins have been to the Super Bowl during my lifetime was in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.Kellen Clemens has a chance to be good. They probably still won't be letting him play long, and they might even just be looking at this season as a building block. I guess with the volatility of the coaching profession, you can't really do that, but c'mon. It's not happening. Sanchez isn't pulling a Matt Ryan, and I'd be surprised if they have a voarcious defense.

The Bills will be better than you think. Even though their name and mascot are really befuddling, Terrell Owens will not make them worse. At the very least, I think it's clear they've been on a very gradual upswing. I'm not saying they'll make the playoffs, but the #6 seed will be within at least 2 games. They get the Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots all at home after November 28th. Miami cannot sustain itself on the wildcat formation for the entire season, and this year they plays Pittsburgh, San Diego, Indianapolis, plus the NFC South teams. No playoffs!

AFC NORTH

1. Baltimore

2. Pittsburgh

3. Cincinnati

4. Cleveland

I think the Steelers will end up at about 11-6, under the prsumption of a split with the Ravens, sweeping the Bengals and Browns. They have some cakewalks-like the Raiders, Chiefs, and Lions, but also some games which could prove of some challenge, against the Chargers, Broncos, Titans, Dolphins, Packers, and Bears.The Ravens play the exact same 4 non conference teams as the Steelers, and I believe they match up better. I think they matchup well with the Chargers, but haven't had as much success in recent games against the Steelers and Colts. They do have Ed Reed, and a complete core of solid defenders. I wouldn't assume the Ravens would drop any to the Ohio teams either, but am looking forward to the regular season matchup against the Patriots.The Bengals play in Cincinnati.The Browns play in Cleveland.

AFC SOUTH

1. Indianapolis Colts

2. Houston Texans

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

4. Tennessee Titans

The Colts have the best NFL record for the last decade. They lost the division last year with a 12-4 record. Criticisms of the Colts remain, as can be said about any successful team. Marvin Harrison has a brilliant career, but Anthony Gonzalez will be a superior receiver in the 2009 season. Joseph Addai is oft underrated, yet question linger about the defense. Giving up over 300 yars to Darren Sproles in an overtime playoff game will do that. The Colts may be suspect at the cornerback and with some linebackers, but they will have a surprisingly good defensive line this year. Sanders and Vinitieri have injury issues, but Gary Brackett and Antoine Bethea return.Houston is just waiting to burst out. They won 5 of their last 6 games in 2008, finishing 8-8, with two losses to the Colts totaling merely 7 points. The defense is so overlooked, it's ridiculous. Maybe not ridiculous, but it could be solid, and combined with an explosive offense, I believe at least 10 wins to be just over the horizon. Is that enough to grab a wild card spot? This isn't the NFC we're dealing with.

Jacksonville always plays division opponents very tough, and that can get you somewhere. To a third place finish, to be more specific. The Jaguars also get to play the Jets, Browns, Chiefs, 49'ers, and Rams. Juicy!It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the Titans won't be matching last year's success. Chris Johnson needs to be ridiculous for them to have a chance at grabbing the division crown again, as the playoffs showed what happens when they matchup against a hard hitting defense.I expect teams to be scoring over 21 points against Tennessee a bit more often this year.

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers

2. Kansas City Chiefs

3. Denver Broncos

4. Oakland Raiders

This division blows. Not only has it recently had, arguably, 2 of the 5 worst teams in the NFL, it occasionally holds the 1st (or 32nd) team in its midst fairly frequently. Denver can't stop giving up touchdowns, and now they might not be able to score any. Their schedule is insanely hard, and though I do think Kyle Orton can have a good year (partly given his excellent receivers), the Broncos could very well finsih 4th in this division. And you know the Raiders won't have a winning record.I like Norv Turner. People sure are hard on him. And Frankly, since when did making the playoffs in San Diego become a minimum requirement? I say they are poised to prove themselves overrated this season, but they finish 8-8 last year. A 9-7 record will be a lock for this division, and they might not need that many.

The Chargers need to score points to win though, and they may well have running back issues. Kansas City will be much improved, and look out for the highlight hogging, touchdown-laden combo of Cassel-Bowe. If they can avoid giving up 54 points to the Buffalo Bills two years running, it won't be extremely difficult to improve on a 2-14 record. They got the offensive coordinator from last year's super bowl runner up Arizona, who I'm certain is capable of figuring out how to grab 3 or 4 division wins. Kansas City also plays the AFC teams who finsished 4th (last) in their respective divisions in 2008. The most recent AFC west team to make the super bowl was actually Oakland, 7 years ago. They lost. I am not enthused about a division struggling to not be the worst in the NFL.

Playoff teams (in order of seeding): Indianapolis, New England, Baltimore, San Diego, Pittsburgh, and Houston.

Srsly!?

WTF, bears? Stop being hopelessly adorable and go fight a shark or something.

WOAH!

Prone to talk to myself as I may be, it's rare I see something on the internet worthy of an exclamation beyond my usual mumbles. I just yelled the title of this post to an empty room. Michael Vick just signed with the Eagles. I've got a million different thoughts about this going through my head right now and I have to go out and have a life, so I won't have much to say on this until tomorrow. For now, my inner monologue keeps saying to me, "Mmmm yeah, that should fuck things up real good in Philly. BWAHAHAHA! Go Giants!"

A Storm Looms

Our country is now less than a month away from what I deem to be its proudest tradition, the epitomy of competition, disappointment, and ruthless capitalism: the NFL!

I was originally just going to pick the potential playoff teams, but instead I believe I will attempt to rank every division. However, I will not be predicting the winners and losers of the playoffs, as that is 1) difficult, and 2) inconsequential to the excitement of the beginning of the year, when even Raiders fans can convince themselves to be excited.

Over the last 3 seasons, 7, 6, and 7 of the previous year's playoff teams missed out on the postseason the following season. I do not expect this trend to stop, and frankly I think it would be silly to expect fewer than 4 or 5 of last year's playoff teams to miss out this year, especially considering the quality of teams that made it in the 08/09 season. Specifically, the NFC South hasn't had a single team make the playoffs in back to back years in quite some time.

Heading the list of teams that rank highest on the list of NOT returning to the playoffs are Miami, Philadelphia, Carolina, Tennessee, Indianapolis, Minnesota, Arizona, and Atlanta. Teams I beliebve might be on the upswing are Green Bay, Washington, New Orleans, San Francisco, Buffalo, and Houston. Not to say they will make the playoffs, but I think these teams have a chance of achieving a better record.

Without further ado:

NFC EAST:

1. New York Giants

2. Washington Redskins

3. Dallas Cowboys

4. Philadelphia Eagles

Once again, the NFC East is poised to put 2 or 3 teams into the playoffs. It certainly will be difficult for the Giants to repeat their recent success, but it's also tough to bet against a team that's made the playoffs this many years running. Simply put, it's their division to lose. The Cowboys are a bit of a unpredictable quality. I certainly expect both them and the Redskins to improve on last year's records, but both times will again rely heavily on their running games, with each team lacking deep passing threats. Good quarterbacks, but a weak receiving core plague these teams, aside from their respective tight ends, who are both quite good. The Eagles will suck. Despite having one of the best running backs in history, their passing game, coaching, offenseive line, defense and special teams are all suspect in my opinion. The Eagles will have a losing record. I should note all 4 of these teams play the AFC West, which will certainly provide a boost.

I believe the difference lies in the schedule, as these teams are capable of beating each other head to head. The Redskins have road games against Oakland and Detroit, while getting Denver, Tampa Bay, and New Orleans at home. As they finished last in the division last year, they get to play last place teams this season. Dallas, on the other hand, must travel to Green Bay, Denver, and New Orleans. I could go more into detail here, best rest assured there is a clear distinction the difficulty of their respective schedules. Road games at Chicago, Atlanta, San Diego, and San Diego will be too much for the Eagles to overcome.

NFC NORTH:

1. Green Bay Packers

2. Chicago Bears

3. Minnesota Vikings

4. Detroit Lions

Goodness, this division sure does blow for one that has so many famous teams. This division plays all the AFC North teams, which pretty much means nothing, as Pittsburgh and Baltimore are almost certain losses, while Cincinnati and Cleveland are expected victories. Here, I look to see which team has the highest ceiling for improvement, and that appears to be Green Bay, with star receivers, an improving quarterback, and an underrated running back in Ryan Grant. Minnesota is going to have some serious problems, as teams will completely sell out against the run.

I think Chicago will make a concerted run at the division title, with a new quarterback and probably the 2nd best running back in the division. Still, they never seem to put it all together, getting blown out by good teams, losing close games, and out of all the contenders, they are the most likely to drop a game or two to cellar dwellers. Don't discount the quality of Aaron Rodgers, the Packers' home field advantage, or the fact that they are further out of the shadow of Brett Favre than last year. I believe the Lions might actually surprise people and grab 5-8 wins this year, but to believe them to have a shot at the playoffs is overly optimistic. I wouldn't expect the wild card to come out of the NFC North.

NFC SOUTH

1. New Orleans Saints

2. Atlanta Falcons

3. Carolina Panthers

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I earnestly believe this is the most improved division in football over the last 5 years, with the possible exception of the AFC South. With a slew of games versus the NFC East, we will have tangible evidence if these teams' recent success is flukish or not. Again I repeat that no team has made the playoffs two years in a row from this division in several years. It seems clear to me that Carolina is on a downswing, and will rely heavily on their talented running backs and shaky defense. It's very possible that they lose their close games this year, falling to a losing record.

Even with the apt criticisms of the Saints past performances, I believe them to be the best team in this division. Any slight improvement in defensive play will shoot them to at least 10 wins. It's hard to argue with a team that seems to score over 30 points a game, they have one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, a good coach, and a waiting to breakout running back in Pierre Thomas. Their style is well suited for dome play, and there's not a single team in the division they can't beat. Remember, the Saints finished 4th last year which means Redskins, Rams, and Lions this year. Add in games against Buffalo, the Jets, and Miami, and it is welcome to flavor country. Simply put their better than the other 3 NFC South teams.

Watch out for THE BURNER. Unfortunately for the Falcons, there's not much else to watch out for. They clearly played far past their ability last year, and it seems difficult to see Roddy White having the same kind of season. Matt Ryan is good, but not great, much of his hype had to do with being a rookie. They have a defense which could crumble and questionable coaching. 10 wins is the ceiling, but that's not winning this division.

In Tampa Bay there are talks of Luke McCown starting at quarterback. A 4-12 season awaits.

NFC WEST

1. Seattle Seahawks

2. Saint Louis Rams

3. San Francisco 49'ers

4. Arizona Cardinals

The order of teams 2-4 is failr irrelevant, as there is 0% chance the wild card comes out of this division. When the bottom three teams all finsih with some combination of 7-9 through 5-11, don't scream at me about the order being wrong. This division seems up for grabs, and there certainly is parody, but in a divison of forgetten victories, scrappy dreams, old quarterbacks, and silly defenses, it all comes down to logic.

There is no historical proof or even realistic evidence to support the idea that St Lous or the 49'ers can suddenly make the dance. Arizona only went 9-7 last year, and that was in this division! If Kurt Warner gets inured, do you know who plays quarterback? Do you? It won't be pretty.

For the Seahawks, Matt Hasselback is one of the most underrated quarterbacks in the league and they still have receiving threats. Perhaps the three biggest reasons I picked the Seahawks are that they do know how to win, they have a terrifically soft schedule, and they are nasty at home. Just unbelievable. The biggest home field advantage in football, bar none.

So who makes the playoffs then? Well clearly the 4 division winners top the list. As for the wild card, it's a bit more difficult, but I am going to have to go with the Chicago Bears and Washington Redskins as the #5 and #6 seeds. The Redskins have historically found ways to lose games when it seemed like it couldn't happen, but the Cowboys just flat out suck in any game of even partial relevance. No matter how bad they beat up on the Cleveland Browns, you shouldn't believe what Troy Aikman says. He's a republican.

Only the beginning

Good god, football starts in three days! I know it's only preseason, but with a wait this long, a sports void so vacant, the return of football is the day I feel I have officially survived the doldrums of a baseball-centric summer. I haven't given much thought to preseason predictions yet, but I am ready to put one out there: Mike Singletary (49ers) will win Coach of the Year.

I won't give you much in the form of evidence because I think coach Singletary speaks for himself.

That there is man speak! (Chugs Keystone Light, crushes can on forehead) Inspirational coaching to the max! Seriously though, if that man can't get an up-and-coming team to get its shit together, I don't know why I should bother admiring football players.

P.S: He also pulled down his pants in the locker room to prove a point last season. EXTREME!

Big Pimpin

Remember those US journalists who got arrested for reporting on the North Korean border and got sentenced to 12 years hard labor? Thats okay, neither did I. But this did in fact happen, and I got reminded of it by way of Bill Clinton acting like the big swinging dick of world politics that he will always be. Check it out:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/08/05/nkorea.pardons/index.html

Keep hustlin, keep flowin, Mr. President.

Maybe I'm a rube after all

Top ten other decades I would want to live in as a 24 year old:

10. 1780's

9. 1980's

8. 1880's

7. 1990's

6. 1800's

5. 1960's

4. 1890's

3. 1950's

2. 1900's

1. 1920's

Good doctor, can I borrow your phone booth?

Generally I feel pretty great about being alive in the year 2009. For the most part, I'm simply pleased to be alive at all, and I try not to forget the awesomeness associated with all the benefits I have: a working body, a brain that I choose to occasionally utilize, both my parents, and of course, a titanium stomach.

Throw in the benefits of this year 2009: internet, a democratic president, ESPN, internet, people becoming slightly more socially conscious, the right to wear orange, and the internet. Things are sweet.

Of course, there are some drawbacks. Sandwiches, for one, have existed for awhile, and I have no reason to believe that their peak in deliciousness is the present day. It could have already happened for all I know. I will also add possibly more important characteristics of contemporary times that I view as partially negative: an increased cancer rate, cell phone, the internet, car accidents, gun violence, rising costs in wheat, dairy, and seafood products, being told not to drink outside or smoke inside, the internet, and perhaps most egregious of all, an incompetent, ignorant, and blood thirsty media.

There are complaints I'm sure you've heard before, like why does the news cover one person's detah for days on end when children die every minute from preventable causes? And beyond that, does the media's obsession over hulman health, fitness, violence, and death really mean they care about it at all? And is there any positive effect or a wealth of knowledge to be gained, or is it pure over-saturation of nonsense? Beyond that, can I even pinpoint who "they" are, or is the whole situation far too clouded to place blame on individuals or those who are actually responsible for the state of media today?

Now don't get me wrong; I realize in many ways, things have improved quite a bit. We don't have elections where Thomas Jefferson is accused of being an anti-tariff, silver hoarding, closest italian paraplegic witch who wants to sell Virgina to the Indians to fund his opium and duck addictions, but by placing the debate in a modern context, we might not be that far off from the days of yesteryear.

Mudslinging is alive and well, but a more dangerous tool has been discovered, the use of code words. If you find that term too extreme, call it something else, but that really only furthers my point. Words that can raise anger from the deepest, darkest points of peoples souls but are so acceptable that the media chooses to repeat them ad-nauseum for months on end with seemingly no conscious recognition of any effect it might have on society.

We may not live in a nation where front page editorials and radio broadcasts repeat terms like nigger lover, cunt, kike, and communist (or whatever else words 18th to 21st centruy bigots use) to deride political candidates and social activists, but sure enough, new words have been invented to take their place, or in many cases, existing words have had their meaning completely changed to fit a subjective and narrow purpose. Think: socialism, liberal, extremism, terrorist, traitor, patriot, hero, evil, legacy, health care, equal opportunity, ironic, and affirmative action.

Many terms, while traditionally possessing either a positive connotation or no real stigma at all, have somehow fallen into hands of people who have no regard for the english language or its effect on civilization. While even the most repulsive of media "pundits", from Sean Hannity to Paula Zahn to Bill Kristol to Mike Wallace to Kathie Lee, (depending on where your allegiances lie) would have far too much to lose by saying any of the previous paragraphs insults on air, the internet has spawned a new format for hate speech, even while your average bigot may keep his/her identity secret while shopping next to you at Target. It goes far beyond words: hate groups continue to expand and organize with the help of the internet, rather than at the expense of it.

Of course on the other hand, the free-flowing of information is making it harder and harder for lies to be perpetuated throughout our country by traditional means, but that doesn't mean people can't change tactics. Perhaps Obama has the internet to thank in large part for his victory last year, but who is to say if John McCain had won, the same wouldn't be true? Aanyone who thinks that 80% of young people these days should be considered "progressive" is fooling themselves. And if you think that modern day media necessarily makes it easier to reason with them, you will gte lmfao'd right out of your pants.

In my next post, I will attempt to continue this rant on media's determination to be somewhat insignificant into a discussion of why Brett Favre isn't a jerk, but everyone (includsing myself I guess) who talks about him is. Plus, NFL picks, and what decades I would most want to live in!

One out of one Kevin Spaceys agree

Here's a quote from Kevin Spacey in an interview about his upcoming film Shrink:

"Cliches are cliches because they're true."

I've been saying this for years and, despite believing in the validity of that statement, have always felt like a bit of a pompous jerk for saying it. Sure, Kevin Spacey is probably a pompous jerk too. But Kevin Spacey is a pompous jerk with credentials. He's bona fide! That means I'm kinda sorta bona fide. I like the spin I put on this one.

In related news, Kevin Spacey making movies again? Look out, adequate middle-aged stars! Suck to be you, Dennis Quaid and Alfred Molina!

Ice Cream Man!

Oh that's right, summer on the east coast. Somehow I force myself to forget about this for about 8 months of the year, and when the bitter cold winds of January sweep down across our rolling hills, lowlying marshes, poignant rowhouses, and archaic trolley track laden streets, it's almost as though summer never existed at all, and may never return. Ah, denial.

It's truly hard for me to come up with positive characteristics of an east coast summer, although my summers of late have been fairly calm, mildly entertaining, and not nearly as stressful as they could be. Perhaps it was for the best that I had viewed so many of my childhood summers as semi-disastrous, nerve-wracking, and breakdown inducing, because for the last several years expectations have been extremely low. Thus an environment is created where I am allowed to think freely, to have my mind unclouded of a small percentage of the huge mass of filth which often hampers its process, and best of all, I can exist without having to constantly appraise the value of my time.

It can be refreshing to be without the grinding urge to force one's time to meet up to the standards of what time's true value should be. On the other hand, with expectations set unreasonably low, it can be difficult to discern whether or not I'm ever accomplishing anything, or if I am ever growing as a person.

I have done fairly well with the online poker racket the last few weeks, though I have actually taken some time off since coming home to visit my parents. I even managed some high finishes in mtt's (as multitable tournaments will henceforth be known), which is about the amount of will I have to make online poker mimick the live gambling situation of Atlantic City, and their not-so-illustrious $50-$200 buy in tournaments. I believe that may get me close to even lifetime for these dreadful things, but I don't really care enough to actually find out. Hopefully this is not as much of a run as a cumulative consequence of time, effort and time put together, and thus by some un set date later in the year I may have accomplished enought to actually blog about poker. Clearly, I'm obligated to say something to the effect of don't count on it, though I don't know if that's because A) I lack confidence, B) it's cool to be cynical and pessimistic, or C) in paying homage to James, I totally don't want to "jinx" anything.

Halfway through the year and I have traveled some, but nowhere close to the extent of my ludicrous goals for the year. Let's check:

Places been:

New York City, New Jersey, Atlantic City (different from New Jersey), Baltimore, Philadelphia, D.C., Charlottesville VA.

Yes, seemingly pathetic; in fact much more so now that I have actually written it down. What an error.

Places I wanted to go at beginning of year:

Las Vegas, Los Angeles, New Caledonia, Verona NY, Henderson NV

Places I want to go now that I can delude myself into thinking are somewhat reasonable:

Atlantic City, New Orleans, Memphis, South America, Canada

Places I want to go that aren't going to happen for one reason or another

South Dakota, Pitcairn Islands, Florida, sandwich factory

This will not do

I'm not sure how this all came about, but there has been an alarming spike in my caucasianness levels during the last few weeks. It all started so innocently. We were about to play poker and, having long believed poker is a game to be played in a hat, I asked to borrow one. TBK insisted on giving me the one I borrowed and just like that I own a Flexfilt hate, the caucasinest of all caps. Worse yet, in an effort to combat the rising temperature here in LA, I've taken to wearing the flip flops that ended up in my possession some time ago. My only saving grace right now is that the flip flops came about as a side effect of my refusal to wear shorts. (Seriously, why would I pay for half a pair of pants? Fuck shorts.) If not for this stubbon(ly brilliant?) policy of mine, I could easily be catching myself in cargo shorts and flip flops... on the beach... drinking PBR? Just kidding, PBR is for hipsters and I'm too poor to pretend I'm poor.

Deal with it

Forgive me for not shutting up about poker, but Phil Ivey just made the final table! Ever since poker became the spectacle it is today, poker fans and players alike have suffered through years of final tables lacking any well-known, marketable players. Now we've got the best player in the world in contention for the biggest prize in poker. And they're not playing until November! This means we get four months of media exposure that poker so desperately needs. Of course, Ivey has already said he plans to change his cell phone number and leave the country, but I'm sure he will come to his senses and realize how great of an opportunity this is for him.

As for the eight other chumps players, you've got the typical smattering of likable but not lovable amateurs, arrogant douchebags* and unknown professionals that only poker players give a damn about. The most notable non-best player on the planet is Jeff Shulman, editor and president of Cardplayer Magazine. Shulman is actually doing his best to make this event half interesting by acting like a total baby. Juvenile antics aside, this will be Shulman's second main event final table this decade, a feat accomplished by only two other men, 1995 Champion Dan Harrington and Mike Matusow. Considering that he runs a popular publication during the day, this makes Shulman kinda sick in poker terms. In addition to this, pokerpokerpoker blah blah does this read like Greek to most of you?

For details on the "November Nine" as ESPN calls them, check out Gary Wise's breakdown here.

* I say douchebags because I am unapologetically judging Eric Buchman on the basis of his being from Long Island.

Mix Bag 7/14

- Not that you care, but the World Series of Poker $10000 World Championship is about to start Day 7. The 6000+ player field has whittled down to just 64 and the remaining players are beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of tunnel, the final table. Although a handful of "name" players are still in contention, all eyes are focused on one man, Phil Ivey. Anybody who knows anything about poker will tell you Phil Ivey is basically god. Since the beginning of the so-called poker boom, Phil Ivey has been the closest thing there can be to consensus best player in the world. If he can pull off a win here, there won't be anything left to debate. I could go on and on, but there are still two days of poker left before the final table is set. Here's hoping I have a lot more to say about Phil Ivey at that time.

- It seems the Ukranian government is not the biggest fan of pornography. I don't have much to say about this except for WTF!? I love the loophole provided by the "for medical purposes" clause. Yeah... you see, uh... I need to masturbate because... I explode if I don't? Remind to leave my laptop at home if I ever go to Ukraine.

- The NFL Over/Unders came out today. Hooray gambling! I haven't had time to look over all of them, but I will confidently say the Denver Broncos will not win 8 games. Hmm, my friends are totally going to Vegas in two days. I might have to put my money where my mouth is on this one.

- I don't have too much else on my mind. Being in LA, there are roughly 36 billion adds for G.I Joe right now. I love how painfully obvious it is that this movie will be the flop of the year. Don't believe me? Check out the trailer at the link below. $50 says Marlon Wayans is stuck with the comic relief black stereotype role. He might even have a catch phrase such as "Dy-No-Mite!" or some modern day equivalent. I'd also be willing to take a sizable loan from a gangster to bet that Dennis Quaid completely phones it in.

GI Joe Trailer

Question of the day

If a cat walked up to you and asked the following:

"Hey I'm a great pet, and I will totally love you and be an awesome friend who doesn't require any shots and very little food"

Would you?

1. Take this cat home and make it part of your life

2. Take this cat to a scientist/veterianiarin/responsible person and report it for being a talking cat

3. Not trust this cat because he/she talks

4. Not trust this cat because he/she is seemingly so needy and/or untrustworthy

5. Other

Parenthood is the shit!

Although I'm surely oversimplifying and/or romanticizing and/or just flat out lying to myself about what parenthood is going to entail, I can't help but get excited about having kids in the future right now. TBK and I went to Toys R Us the other day and our mutual reaction was more or less "ZOMG LOOK AT ALL THE TOYS!" I know kids are a major responsibility that require constant attention, wisdom, money, etc., etc... Fuck that! I'm fairly confident the burden of parenthood is greatly outweighed by the opportunity to play with toys for the better part of a decade.

I think it goes without saying that we all take childhood for granted. Those are precious years that go by in a heartbeat and then, before you even have time to get existential on yourself, you're considered an adult with bills and repressed issues and a grocery list. How great would it be if you had an excuse to play with toys without being labelled as "special" by your peers? Kids are the best excuse ever to set up those Hot Wheels tracks again.

I just blew my mind as I realized there's going to be a whole new generation of toys to discover by the time I have children. Forgot about Nerf and Super Soaker; kids might be playing with full blown lasers in the future. I could totally see some toy that lets kids etch things on the moon with a laser. And I haven't even gotten into traditional things like playing sports and board games with your kids. Oh man, I'm totally coaching little league. What if I only have girls? D'oh!