I'll be the first resident of The Pompous

What do you think these names are for?

Ashley

Olivia

Archstone

Mima

Atelier

Loft

Aire

WYYZ

SOS

Edge

Do those all sound like tacky restaurants to you? That would make too much sense to warrant this post. Nope, they're apartment buildings. Apparently it's no longer good enough to overpay for a cookie cutter condo in tomorrow's hottest location, today! Now we all have to live in individually branded condos so the whole world knows we chose this particular condo for its ambiguous one-word title beginning in A*. What's with that anyway? Some marketing genius must have decided A is a dominant letter or something. It's that kind of subtle confidence that convinces people that the building that looks exactly like the one down the street (inside and out) is somehow Jesus reincarnated as a condominium. Get in on the ground floor now before this neighborhood goes out of fashion!

I've been inside enough of these "luxury condos" to affirmatively state that the only identity they're selling is permission to advertise your specific income range to other people whose only means of telling people apart is how much money they make. The only identity on sale is an inflated sense of self worth. I'm not omniscient - I'm barely even presentable - but even I know if you're the only person who cares about the name of your building, it's not worth bringing up in conversation. Here's a fun game you can play: the next time somebody name drops their cookie cutter condo, make up one of your own and watch them wither up in shame of having lost the superficial status game.

Just watch, I'll end up living in one of these places. I can't really complain if I do. ***SHAMELESS GLOATING ALERT*** My boss is going to pay for my apartment, after all. ***PATHETIC BRAGGING COMPLETE***

*Unless you count "The" at the beginning, which every single one of these has. Since when were buildings rock bands?

Important questions

Some jerkass once said there's no such thing as a stupid question. That guy probably didn't talk to any stupid people. I get asked a lot of questions. Some of them are not of exceptional intelligence. These are some of those questions.

Do you have a moment for [insert cause here]? No, I don't have time. I read your precious NPR and sign petitions online. Now fuck off.

Do you have the time? Do you own a cell phone?

Are all those dogs yours? Yes, I own four dogs. I also have seventeen cats, three hamsters, a chimpanzee and three dozen goldfish. Did I mention I live in a mansion?

How do I get to [really easy to find New York landmark]? First step is saying excuse me. Aren't you supposed to think New Yorkers are surly? If you're too selfish to be polite about it, I will never give you directions. If you are exceptionally rude, I might even send in the wrong direction. (Yes, I have done this.)

Do you want to do me a favor? Of course not.

Will you me a favor? Probably. What can I say? I'm a nice guy like that.

Now I want gummy bears

Working outdoors isn't always a walk in the park. Well, it is literally a walk in the park, but don't let that distract you from my metaphor. Work with me people! Walking several miles a day with creatures designed to disobey you can be quite tiring. As it turns out, there aren't many options for a quick snack when you've got multiple dogs attached to you determined to eat everything in the store. Local merchants don't take kindly to my folk. I had to come up with a solution that didn't cost me tons of money or test the human body's capacity for bananas. 

Enter homemade clif bars. These are so good and so easy to make, I put my name on them. The thing I really love about making these bars is they can be as healthy or junkalicious as I want. Hell, you could throw in gummy bears if you felt like it. The sky is the limit!

James Bars

Dry

2 cups quick oats

1 cup crushed cereal such as Kashi, Rice Krispies, or whatever you like (You can even use pretzels)

Dried fruit, nuts, seeds, chocolate chips, anything your heart desires. My usual suspects are golden raisins, cranberries, walnuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds, and obviously chocolate.

Wet

1 cup agave nectar

1 cup peanut butter

Potential add-ons: Cocoa powder for more chocolaty goodness, instant coffee for, um coffee goodness, both for mocha party.

Mix the dry ingredients in a big bowl. Melt the wet ingredients together over low heat and stir constantly until it's one warm syrup. Pour the syrup into the bowl and mix everything up as well as you can. It will get messy. Transfer to a big plate or baking sheet and spread out flat, doing your best to evenly distribute the syrup. Let it dry and cut into bars.

Who designed this place?

I don't know when this happened, but it seems like every single grocery store in America- or at least the parts I've been to. Don't ask me about Nebraska- refuses to let you leave without walking through the check out area. More often than not, this involves shuffling through a group of paying customers and possibly ducking under some makeshift barricade. Okay, I can get on board with theft prevention, but there has to be a better method besides trapping the people who want to leave without buying something. Yes, those people exist. 

Don't be so full of yourself, grocery stores. Not every single person who steps through your doors is here to buy your precious groceries. While strawberries at $12.99/lb is the offer of a lifetime, some of us are just perusing for free samples or casing you for a public bathroom. Is it really necessary to make us awkwardly squeeze past paying customers just to exit your store? Are we supposed to feel ashamed for not buying anything? It could just be you want the superior purchasing prowess of your customers to rub off on us. Whatever it is, please provide an exit for the freeloaders, mind-changers and alike. Your suspicious glances are never going to stop me from exiting through the entrance. All they do is give me more inspiration to egregiously misinterpret those "Please Take One" signs.