This Lions Game is Boring Already

Week 8 Picks:

SAN FRANCISCO (-2) vs denver

jacksonville (+6.5) vs DALLAS

DETROIT (-3) vs washington

green bay packers (+6.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

ST LOUIS (-3) vs carolina

miami (-1) vs cincinnati

buffalo(+7) vs KANSAS CITY

SAN DIEGO (-5) vs tennessee

tampa bay (+3) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (-3) vs seattle

NEW ORLEANS (-1) vs pittsburgh

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) vs houston

Upset Specials: Green Bay, Buffalo

Lock of the Week: New Orleans (-1)

Even the Timberwolves are undefeated today

I love October. The obnoxious children who fill the streets in the summer are back in prison, I get to wear jackets without sweating and the sweet stretch of alcohol-friendly holidays is on the horizon. Yes, October is that wonderful time of year where the tedium of heat waves and baseball is replaced by the excitement of  OMG THE NBA STARTS TODAY! Miami Thrice, Kobe is old, Durant is incredible, the Knicks are legitimate, so are the Bulls... happiness overload! Here are some of the thoughts running through my head as we count down to tip off...

It doesn't matter how many injuries the Heat have as long as they are healthy for the playoffs. Let Mike Miller miss three months. This team could win 50 games playing 5 on 4. However...

Miami is not going to win the Eastern Conference. Despite their abundance of top 15 talent, the Celtics and Magic are excellent teams that are built to beat Miami. If we are to believe the hype, Dwight Howard spent his summer refining his offensive game with Hakeem Olajuwon. He has the potential to become the go to guy on offense, which makes his incredibly scary and a serious contender for MVP...

Which is going to won by Kevin Durant anyway. I actually watched some of the World Championships this summer. If I didn't know how old Durant is, I would probably guess between 24 and 28. He's 22 years old. 22! He's barely done with puberty. This guy is a natural leader and has a work ethic comparable to...

Kobe Bryant, who is still the best player in the world. He's older, he's hurt, he will rip your fucking heart out. The only thing on Kobe's mind is the number 6, as in 6 time champion. He is already in the discussion for best of all time. What will we say if he ties Jordan? The Lakers are still a stacked team and they made great acquisitions in Steve Blake and Matt Barnes in the summer. Blake gives them much needed depth at point guard while Barnes is like Ron Artest 2.0; two maniacs to get under opponents' skin and elite defenders. Speaking of defense...

Knicks still don't play no defense. But we have Amare! And we very possibly will get Carmelo. In fact, it looks like the only thing that could keep Melo out of a Knicks jersey is an increasingly unlikely trade to New Jersey. It might not happen until next year, but Melo is coming to The Garden baby! Wishful thinking...

No, wishful thinking is saying the Knicks will get Melo and Chris Paul, which they totally will. Miami can have its big three. New York's big three is going to have a point guard. No defense, but point guards! Hooray?

Anywho, might as well post some predictions before the season officially starts.

Biggest drop off (besides Cleveland): Suns, Bobcats
New playoff teams: Knicks, Clippers, Grizzlies
Dangerous contenders: Bulls, Spurs

West Finals: Lakers over Thunder
East Finals: Celtics over Magic
(That means Kobe vs. Shaq people)

NBA Finals: Lakers over Celtics

A post about cats

Sike! It's a real life equation.

2 kittehs + 1 box = The best game of musical chairs ever

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

Ah, the fat comedian. Is there anything more lovable the world today? Duh, puppies. Also cheeseburgers. And jet packs. But fat comedians are still pretty cool. However, I find it unfair to simply group every large comedian into the same category. "Fluffy" Gabriel Iglesias has made significant strides in the field of obesity definitions. I would like to take the opportunity to expand on his revelations and present a new scale of the measurement: Levels of Fat in Comedy. This study hopes to correctly define the characteristics of the various stages to be outlined herein. The scale will progress from the once-skinny to those resigned to their fates. 

Levels of Fat in Comedy 

Middle-aged: Like so many great men to come before them, middle-aged comedians are subject to the perils of aging. This stage of fat is reserved for the guys who were skinny their whole lives, took it for granted, and are now stuck with a saggy gut and a pudgy face for the next 40-50 years. The patron saint of this group is Adam Sandler. Not only does he literally embody the characteristics of this level, his recent body of work reflects the attitude of it's inhabitants: tired, jaded, just plain too old for this shit. With all the vigor of their youth stripped from them forever, comedians in this category have nothing left but to half-heartedly reach for what they once had. Dane Cook will be there in no time.

Note: Certain comedians are fit enough to stay away from this and transition into the old and crazy brand of comedy. Take a look at Chris Rock to see what I'm talking about.

Second note: George Carlin was always skinny but you can't pigeonhole him as old and crazy. He was crazy from birth.

Bloated: Think John Belushi. He was never skinny, but it's not like the guy was tipping scales either. He was just kind of... round and robust. This is the sweet spot of comedy obesity. You're fat enough to make fun of, but not to the point where it's all you can do with yourself. However, this does require you to have some level of comedic talent. If you find yourself bloated and unfunny, your only choice is to be Kevin James. But if you are fortunate enough to be bloated and funny, your idol is Zach Galifianakis.

Big guy: We all know guys like this. At rest, they appear to be your everyday run of the mill fat guy But once they move, you find yourself amazed by the ease and grace with which these men are able to move. We like to describe this by saying "he really carries his weight well."  Cedric the Entertainer has that "just a big guy" thing going for him. It's just the way he is, man. I bet he even dances well. You know, because he carries himself well.

The first thing people notice: Sadly, this is where Chris Farley ultimately ended up. He was a lot more than a fat comedian, but he ballooned to the point where it had to be acknowledged. At the peak of his powers, his weight was an asset in his bag of tricks. By the end it limited him to being a parody of himself (and that only works in you're French).  When comedians hit this point, there's no turning back. It has to be acknowledged at some point in their act. Even if they lose the weight, they will most likely end up discussing weight loss in their new act. A comedian this fat not talking about being fat would be like a black comedian not talking about race relation or a female comedian not talking about feminism. Stop acting so indignant. It's not racist/sexist if it's true.

Did I miss a level? Do you hate the whole thing? Comment with ideas and criticism. 

What if Every Team Had a MIke Williams, or week of the field goal spread

Predictions for Week 7:

(Pick on left, home team in caps)

MIAMI (+3) vs pittsburgh

ATLANTA (-3.5) vs cincinnati

jacksonville (+9) vs KANSAS CITY

philadelphia (+3) vs TENNESSEE

washington (+3) vs CHICAGO

NEW ORLEANS (-13) vs cleveland

buffalo (+14) vs BALTIMORE

san francisco (-3) vs CAROLINA

TAMPA BAY (-3) vs st louis

SEATTLE (-7) vs arizona

SAN DIEGO (-3) vs new england

oakland (+7) vs DENVER

minnesota (+3) vs GREEN BAY

new york giants (+3.5) vs DALLAS

Locks of the Week: SF (-3), TB (-3)

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): Miami, Philadelphia, Washington, Oakland, Minnesota, NYG

Record so far this year: 37-36

Upset Special Record: 12-11

Bumgarner, Hedgecock, Wisconsin...What's the link?

My predictions for week 6:

san diego (-8) vs ST LOUIS

kansas city (+4.5) vs HOUSTON

baltimore (+3) vs NEW ENGLAND

new orleans (-5) vs TAMPA BAY

PHILADELPHIA (-3) vs atlanta

detroit (+10) vs NYG

CHICAGO (-6) vs seattle

GREEN BAY (-3.5) vs miami

cleveland (+14.5) vs PITTSBURGH

DENVER (+3.5) vs nyj

oakland (+7) vs SAN FRANCISCO

MINNESOTA (-1.5) vs dallas

indianapolis (-3.5) vs WASHINGTON

JACKSONVILLE (+3) vs tennessee

Upset special: Baltimore, Denver, Jacksonville, Kansas City

Lock of the week: Indianapolis (-3.5)

Record so far: 31-28

Upset special record: 12-7

What's on my mind this Friday night at home?

The Yankees need to finish getting spanked so I can watch more Mad Men. I need my fix!

TMIFriday

The TMI stands for TMI. I went for a run without underwear today, and it was glorious. I plan to do all my runs like this from now on. If anything, it's a great excuse to call myself a commando runner. 

Damn skippy

Before getting into my sexist, America-hating rant, a quick New York thought: The best sound in a stopped train is the announcement of a delay for "train traffic up ahead of us." The train might have been idle for a solid minute, but rest assured that once the delay has been officially acknowledged, that train will keep rollin' along.

Much is being made of Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walking off the set of The View after Bill O'Reilly predictably hated on Muslims. I'm not here to argue the merits of his arguments as Bill O'Reilly is a disgrace. In no way do I support a single thing that comes out of his mouth. And the great thing is I don't have to entertain his extremism. I don't have a TV show that I invited him to. If I did, I would have been prepared to fight his stances and not storm off like a child. How do you walk off your own show? If you can't debate with the man, don't engage him. Did they think he was going to show up and talk about cupcakes and vaginas? 


On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, South Park officially took the "Too soon?" question and literally blew it up. With a plane. Flown by Al Qaeda. On American soil. Seriously. It's been nine plus year since 9/11, and I get the feeling that the guys at South Park have finally had enough of seeing it treated used exploited as a shield of sacredness and an emotional trump card in American politics. So they took it into their own hands and said "Get over it." I am hardly doing it justice, so check out on South Park Studios so you can see I'm not insane for endorsing this. In my mind, it was the perfect way to cross the line from the very best in the line crossing game. 


I am criminally behind on Mad Men, but that won't last long. I only started watching a few months ago with my friend. We got about a season and a half though before life got in the way. I've been putting it off because I've seen enough to know that Mad Men is like crack on steroids that have been laced with crack. That's like crack squared, folks. I tested a video to see if I would have a reliable source when I got back into it. I didn't even make it though the opening credits. Moratorium over, next week of my life planned out. Time to whip out the whiskey and suits. Oh, I'm too poor for suits. Guess I'll have to compensate with extra whiskey. Fuck yeah!

Turns out...

According to a smart person I met the other day, the reason your body sometimes twitches when you're falling asleep is because it thinks you might be dying. If your body doesn't know why your heart rate is slowing down it is prone to jerk you awake before your heart stops for good. To this I say, aha! For years my friends, family, enemies, and neutral Swiss acquaintances have teased me for being a hypochondriac, a drama queen, and other unflattering names. What my friends don't know is that I twitch before I fall asleep almost every night. So, you see, I am not a hypochondriac for the sake of being melodramatic. Hypochondria is ingrained deep in my nervous system. My body is naturally inclined to think it's dying every night. I might be a hypochondriac, but it was never a choice for me. So, my two or three friends reading this, save your teasing for Woody Allen. 

Matt>Tim>>>>>Elizabeth Hasselbeck

My choices for Week 5:

(picks on left, home team in caps)

denver (+8) vs BALTIMORE

BUFFALO (-1.5) vs jacksonville

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) vs kansas city

st louis (+3) vs DETROIT

atlanta (-3) vs CLEVELAND

tampa bay (+7) vs CINCINNATI

chicago (+3) vs CAROLINA

green bay (-3) vs WASHINGTON

new york giants (+3) vs HOUSTON

new orleans (-7) vs ARIZONA

OAKLAND (+7) vs san diego

tennessee (+7) vs DALLAS

philadelphia (+3.5) vs SAN FRANCISCO

minnesota (+4.5) vs NEW YORK JETS

Upset Specials (underdog to straight win): St. Louis, Chicago, NYG, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Minnesota

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis (-7.5) to roll the soon-to-be-former last undefeated team, KC

Shoe in of the Week: Minnesota (+4.5)

Least likely to get televised nationally: Tie: St Louis vs Detroit/Buffalo vs Jacksonville

Record so far: 23-22

Upset Special record: 8-5

In a perfect world...

Those of you familiar with Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell might have heard about her past declaration that big, bad China is getting ready to take over (God Bless?) America. Shocking! I'd be marginally concerned if I didn't possess the ability to think for more than half a second. Aside from the fact that this claim makes exactly zero sense, the problem with O'Donnell's claim is that it's total bullshit. If Christine O'Donnell were in fact a spy, she did the one thing a spy is never supposed to do: She blew her cover. Has she learned nothing from James Bond? Oh, I suppose she doesn't see movies since they are products of the liberal heathen wasteland we call Hollywood. Point is, if Christine O'Donnell did in fact have knowledge of an imminent Chinese invasion, she would never reveal that information.

Christine O'Donnell is straight up lying. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there gullible enough to take her words as fact. She goes on TV, tells them China is trying to steal our freedom, and in come the fear votes. I'm not afraid of China. I'm afraid of shortsighted extremists finagling their way into Congress. I'm afraid of the fact that I live in a country where the people who let the entitled son of an oilman lead the country into a crippling depression for eight years are the same people who are now calling our president a failure after 18 months of cleaning up his predecessor's mess. I guess it never occurred to these "pioneers of freedom" that the economic recovery has been so slow to pick up because the very party they support is more concerned with stalling progress with filibusters in order to paint the majority as the enemy in upcoming elections than, you know, actually fixing the economy.

This isn't some idealistic call for honesty and transparency from politicians. This is America, after all. However, politicians are, in theory, the people we trust to govern us and make decisions on our behalf. Shouldn't there be some  measure of accountability for those potential lawmakers who outright lie to our faces? I'm not talking about misguided people who buy into their own bullshit. We are all entitled to our own opinion, however wrong it may be. But it's a bit too much for me to stomach when people like Christine O'Donnell go on TV and tell blatant lies.. We can't make every person in America scrutinize the politicians, but maybe our government should do that. I find it fundamentally wrong that a candidate can say whatever she pleases just to win votes. It's not just dishonest, it's dangerous, and it should have no place in politics. Unfortunately, it does, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Lying under oath in court is a felny. So why do we allow candidates to lie on the podium? Why not put a rule in place to prevent this kind of behavior? What I'm proposing is that if a candidate tells a complete lie during a campaign, that candidate should be disqualified. Nothing extreme like jail or public flogging, just removal from the ballot. In theory, this should be universally accepted. You'd be hard pressed to find a politician who agrees lying should be allowed. It will never happen, but maybe it should. Despite what some tea baggers would have you believe, politics is not a popularity contest. This is a little more serious than running for class president. We're not competing for Facebook friends or Dancing with the Stars appearances. Do I have a problem with reducing American politics to a petty feud? You betcha! 

Who Are You People?

Let me first say, I am no Don Draper. Okay, bad example, nobody is that cool in real life.* What I'm getting at is I am not an advertising guru. I don't know the first thing about research figures or profit margins. (Really touting myself, aren't I?) However, I do consider myself to be a fairly regular person. A little eccentric, but I have my feet on the ground enough to say I identify with the viewing public. Or so I think...

If I have anything in common with the average American, then television commercials are a massive waste of money. Like any other man with a sense of humor, I love the Old Spice guy. I giddily clap my hands like a teenager when that miniature giraffe shows up in the DirecTV commercial. (This one) Does this mean I'm going to sign up for DirecTV and order Old Spice by the crate? I'd rather buy something I need. How about some socks? Everybody needs socks. Yeah, I'll stick with the socks.

I just can't believe that consumers are so impressionable that a commercial is enough to sell them on a product. Even for something as harmless as deodorant or candy bars, I reject the notion that people are so gullible that an entertaining advertisement will cause them to run to the store and turn on the tunnel vision, opting to waive their right to choose what they buy. Symbol for the everyman he may be, it is inconceivable to me that Homer Simpson is an accurate depiction of the effectiveness of advertising. We can't all go to clown college just because the billboard tells us to do it.

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

Who are these people who do what the TV tells them to do? Perhaps this is the kind of disconnect one experiences when you spend your whole life in "modern" areas. That's not enough to make me move to Arkansas. I'll run the risk of being called an arrogant intellectual. Anything other than being associated with the Heartland Tea Party. Oops, I shouldn't have given them a party name that makes sense. As long as it doesn't make it to a commercial.

*George Clooney is the obvious exception to the rule. If you disagree, feel free to stop reading my blog. Your kind ain't welcome around these parts.

Must. Restore. Balance.

Earlier while I was doing laundry, I started thinking of the movie Love Actually. As if these weren't effeminate enough, it naturally led me to start humming "All I Want For Christmas Is You" to myself. Such an alarming testosterone deficiency can only mean one thing: Time to overcompensate! 

Roar! Football! It's Saturday, which means I will spend my day hating on college football for not being NFL football. I'll leave the betting picks to the savvy, suave, sexy, other "s" adjective Edmund. He's got that information thing covered, which means it's up to me to come up with the half-baked opinions around here.

Jets at Bills: Wow, don't care, don't care, don't care. The Bills just cut a quarterback from Stanford for a quarterback from Harvard. And they wonder why they suck.

San Francisco at Atlanta: Oh man, the 49ers are about to start the season 0-4 and they could still easily win their division. Will the Seahawks keep the pressure on by continuing their ambitious run at an 8-8 record? Will Mike Singletary continue to blame his players for not being winners or having sufficient heart? I wonder if the 49ers spend most of their practice time discussing their lack of go-get-em-ness instead of, you know, learning how to play football.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Shucks, I was one game away on the early start times from being able to sleep in. (Sleeping in past 1 PM is preposterous, you say? You sir must have a job.) Charlie Batch is about the get reminded why he isn't a starter in the NFL. I like the Ravens to win with or without an offensive touchdown.

Redskins at Eagles: As if the return of Donovan McNabb wasn't enough to wet your whistle, Michael Vick is good at football again. Monster he may be, douchebag he may be, the dude is entertainment on cleats. I hate to say it, but I love watching this guy play football. He's made the Eagles relevant contenders in a season they literally gave up on before it even started.

Cardinals at Chargers: It's the battle for the title of least (most?) mediocre team in the west! The only thing more underwhelming that this match up would be a Dan Quayle vs. Michael Dukakis presidential election.

Bears at Giants: The Giants are one more bad loss away from officially being a team in turmoil. Osi Umenyiora and Keith Bullock are questionable for Sunday. Matthias Kiwanuka might be out for the season. Tiki "The Selfish Piece of Shit Quitter" Barber is taking shots at Tom Coughlin. When did the Giants become the Cowboys? Just win the fucking game. Pretty please? Kthanksgoodluck.

In this house, we respect the laws of thermodynamics!

denver (+7) vs TENNESSEE

baltimore (+2.5) vs PITTSBURGH

CLEVELAND (+3) vs cincinnati

GREEN BAY (-14) vs detroit

NEW ORLEANS (-14) vs carolina

ATLANTA (-7) vs san francisco

seattle (-2) vs ST LOUIS

BUFFALO (+6) vs new york jets

JACKSONVILLE (+8) vs indianapolis

houston (-3.5) vs OAKLAND

SAN DIEGO (-9) vs arizona

PHILADELPHIA (-6) vs washington

chicago (+3.5) vs NEW YORK GIANTS

MIAMI (+1) vs new england

Upset specials (underdog to straight win): Denver, Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Miami

Lock of the Week: Atl (-7), Seattle (-2)

Record for the year: 17-14 overall, 5-3 for upset picks

Dear God Make it Stop! (Update: Thanks God!)

Why is it that certain all TV channels insist on making commercials twice as loud as the program? You can't tell me Monday Night Football is quieter than this commercial for AARP life insurance. If the entertainment industry must jam advertising down my throat, I don't it's too much to ask for a little subtlety.

What about a shrill voice over is supposed to make me start thinking Bud Light is suddenly good? Loud commercials don't make me buy products, good commercials make me buy products. The only thing loud commercials achieve is putting my eardrums though anguish.

This gem came up when I searched "Anguish" on Google Images. Credit the artist at shaav.com for his poor grasp of the English language, pencils, or possibly both.

That's as far as I got before this thrilling development came along. This landmark event proves that the government is finally doing something right. Is it really that far fetched to imagine national health care and the end of undeserved tax breaks for the very people who helped destroy the economy is just around the corner? Yes, yes it is.