Dear local bodega owner,
It has come to my attention that you have two bottles of Four Loko prominently displayed in your window. I am formally requesting that you remove these bottles at once. As a local merchant, you must be aware that the precious Loko has been unjustly outlawed in this state. Leaving it out when you know full well that nobody can taste the sweet nectar inside is torture to a Tantalusian degree (let me Google that for you). I can't even begin to comprehend the kind of monster who would do such a thing. The only logical conclusion then is that you are carrying on New York's fine tradition of bodegas of questionable legality by blazing the trail for black market Four Loko sales; in which case you are the worst at doing illegal things discretely. It's not like drug dealers set up shop by putting dime bags out on a table for the world to see. If you want to sell some Loko without getting arrested, you need to post up in the most conspicuously shady manner possible and whisper "I got that Loko" to passersby. I want you to bring the Loko to the people. The people need their Loko. You can be a hero! And I can go back to making a drink called pink lemonade that isn't girly.* Don't waste this opportunity.
Your truly,
No longer partying until sunrise
*Lemonade Four Loko, Vodka, Cranberry juice. Yeah, that's how I roll.
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