Dear subway mariachi band,
You guys are pretty cool. Mariachi music isn't really my thing, but you have a tendency to bring levity and cheerfulness to one of the most notoriously grumpy areas of the country. In a world of depressing panhandlers and jesus-peddlers, your sequined southwest-style outfits and infectious smiles are a breath of fresh air. That being said, you guys really need to reevaluate your strategy. I understand everybody has to make a living- shit, I have a "college degree" and I walk dogs- but if I ever see you on the train at 9 AM again, I will smash your accordian with a hammer; a hammer made of rage and crankiness. There isn't a single person on the train at that hour who wants what you're selling. We want coffee and solitude. It's not just irritating, it's bad business. Sleep in and save your energy for when the train is crowded with people excited about their weekends. Nobody who gets up that early on a Saturday is doing something cool. We all hate our lives at that hour. Once you enter my life, I hate you too.
Sincerely,
Jack's eroding facade of pleasantness
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