Ah, the sweet rumblings of the early NFL season. Preseason hype has become Super Bowl hype, former players turned pundits compete to be the first one to exhaust "I've got a feeling" as the focal point of an expert prediction, and fat guys everywhere rejoice over the opportunity to once again go shirtless in public. Otherwise useless cities like Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Green Bay can come out of their cultural hibernations to petition for relevance. Most importantly, Brett Favre stories are put on hold and he is forced to actually play football. Turns out grandfathers aren't so good at sports.
Take away the Giants' embarrassing loss on national tv, I really couldn't ask for more at this stage of the season. It feels like America's waistband has barely had time to expand and the Cowboys and Vikings are already panicking. (I don't hate the Vikings. I always thought the purple and gold thing was cool. But my disdain for Old Man Favre is so passionate I would root against a team in the Puppy Bowl if the Puppy Bowl had teams.) Nothing makes a contender sweat like starting 0-2. And nothing throws a team into disarray like hitting the panic button. So here's praying we see major overhauls on both these teams before they get a chance to figure things out.
It seems like teams all over the league have some kinks to work out. After enduring "will they or won't they?" undefeated teams for so many years, it's refreshing to see more parity around the league so far. The Colts decided to bypass their annual 12-0 run in favor of a more devious plan of starting with a loss, then winning 15 in a row as a giant "EFF YOU!" to the '72 Dolphins. Very sneaky, Peyton, you old dog you. Although nothing will come of it, the Bears, Chiefs and lowly Bucs are undefeated at this moment. Even the Lions are getting in on the whole equal playing field. Granted, they're still losing, but it's totally close in the fourth quarter. Good for you, Detroit!
We're two weeks deep and it still feels like we know nothing. What I'm saying is I'm totally justifying making predictions after the season already started. You get these kinds of luxuries when you work for free.
AFC South
How about them Texans? They still have to wait for Peyton Manning to retire before they win the division, but they are clearly a team on the rise. It just goes to show you that slowly building your team through the draft and prudent salary cap management is a completely valid approach, so long as you're in a small market that doesn't demand two championships per season.
Colts
Texans (Wild Card)
Titans
Jaguars
AFC West
The Chargers keep declining, the rest of the division keeps improving while still managing to post losing records. The Chiefs will fall to earth soon enough and order will be restored. Another totally unsurprising playoff loss for the Chargers awaits.
Chargers
Chiefs
Broncos
Raiders
AFC North
The hype train rolls on! Oooooh, the Ravens have recievers now! Is Joe Flacco still their quarteback? Awesome, have fun losing to the Colts when you realize the whole scoring points thing is kind of important. Ditto for the Steelers. Unless they trade for Peyton Manning, their isn't a quarterback in the world who can make that offense look good. Hines Ward hasn't been a true number one receiver since, well, ever.
Ravens
Steelers (Wild Card)
Bengals
Browns
AFC East
I really love Rex Ryan's enthusiasm for snacks. I don't know if I can match his enthusiasm for the Jets. I still have no idea what to make of this team. Mark Sanchez is obviously not there yet. They could win a weaker division, but the Dolphins are quietly good and the Patriots have the talent to drop 50 on any given night. The Bills are unfathomably, inexplicably, mind-bendingly awful.
Dolphins
Patriots
Jets
Bills
NFC South
The Saints are still awesome. Drew Brees is still running for Jesus. Seriously, doesn't he seem like the nicest guy in the world? And that picture of his kid with the huge headphones at the Super Bowl, awwwww. I just want to hang out with Drew Brees and talk about doing good things for underprivileged people. I mean, listen to him talk about the good things he does for underprivileged people and feel bad about being such a selfish prick.
Saints
Falcons (Wild Card)
Bucs
Panthers
NFC West
As Charles Barkley might say, this division is turr-bull, just turr-bull. The starting quarterbacks in this division: Alex Smith. Derek Anderson, Sam Bradford, and the corpse of Matt Hasselbeck. Here's a groundbreaking thought: There will not be a Wild Card team coming out of this division.
49ers by default
Seahawks
Cardinals
Rams
NFC North
It is so sweet to watch Brett Favre fail. Is this petty? Who cares? I hope the Vikings go 0-16 and Favre throws 36 interceptions. I like the Bears right now. Jay Cutler has always been talented. If this Mike Martz experiment works out, they might even make the playoffs. Eh, maybe they should just settle for not embarrassing themselves.
Packers
Bears (Wild Card)
Vikings
Lions
NFC East
The NFC Beast is looking more like the NFC medium sized dog. You don't want to piss if off, but it's not like your life depends on it or anything. Speaking of dogs, the Eagles found a way to make a mess out of Michael Vick on the football field. Since they have no offensive line whatsoever, I say enjoy it while it lasts. He probably can't sustain this level of play but it's fun as hell to watch. Almost as fun as watching Kevin Kolb get sacked four times a game when he eventually gets a sympathy start. The Redskins have all the looks of a better but not ready team and the Cowboys are in glorious meltdown mode. That leaves my beloved Giants to swoop in and earn the right to lose in the first round of the playoffs. It's possible the Giants get it together and make a run, I just have my doubts. They have no depth behind a very old offensive line whose age is starting to show and while the defense is improved, the linebacking corps might be the worst in the league. It doesn't matter how many times you get to the quarterback if two guys get open every play. Call me cautiously pessimistic.
Giants
Redskins
Eagles
Cowboys
AFC Wild Card
Steelers over Dolphins, Texans over Chargers
(Yup, I picked both Wild Card teams, sue me.)
NFC Wild Card
Giants over Bears, Falcons over 49ers
AFC Divisonal
Colts over Steelers, Texans over Ravens
NFC Divisonal
Packers over Falcons, Saints over Giants
Conference Championships
Colts over Texans, Packers over Saints
Colts win the Super Bowl! All hail Peyton Manning!
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