A Million Aplogies & NFL Week 3

A million apologies to all of you for being basically defunct recently. Life has a habit of getting in the way of inspiration sometimes and, needless to say, I haven't been too inspired lately. Hopefully I can get some momentum here and stick around. Wouldn't that be fun. Here's some super random stuff about the first few weeks of NFL and maybe some other fun stuff.

-It's been two weeks since Tom Brady went down and the James McDonagh justices of conscience have reached a ruling: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... (deep breath) HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA... (chokes on own laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ha! I know it's somewhat unethical to take joy from the pain of others but (holding back snickers) god damn that's some good karma! I'll tell you one thing: Tom Brady will NEVER EVER EVER abandon a child again! You can't say he didn't have it coming. If you wish to join the Bernard Pollard fan club you can find it here. 

- The Giants are looking might good right now. I know we've only faced the lowly Redskins and Rams but wins are wins and they all looked to be catching their strides by the second half last week. It's no fluke that ESPN has them ranked #3 right now. It feels good to start this way but there's a lot of work ahead for the G-Men. Our upcoming games are: Bengals, Seahawks, Browns, and 49ers. We could very easily go 6-0. The thing is we might need to if we want to make the playoffs. After the cakewalk we've got a gauntlet of the Steelers and division games. It will be tough but it looks good for Big Blue right now. Hopefully we fight with the Eagles and Cowboys for NFC Easy supremacy all year and lead into a crazy playoffs. 

- What The Packers? Aaron Rodgers looks totally legit. I feel awesome for naming them one of my surprise teams. Not so awesome is that I picked Minnesota to win the division in my bet with Ed. More to come on that later.

- Hell Yeah Buffalo! If they keep playing that way the Bills could easily find themselves in the AFC PLayoffs and  (GASPS!) they might even steal the AFC East from the Pats. There's a very real chance the Bills start the season 8-0. Check the schedule. I'm not saying you should plan for a Superbowl party in Buffalo or anything but it's nice to see the Bills in the thick if things like this. Marshawn Lynch is a beast.

- I'm still loving Favregate all day baby! I'll set the over/under at Week 15 for Favre crying on the sideline. Yes, I will discuss casual wagers. 

- Interesting development going on in Denver right now. Botched calls aside, the Broncos have pulled out two big wins and their offense looks like they eat radioactive isotopes for breakfast. I'm not sure they can keep up this kind of pace but as of right now they are the clear favourites in the AFC West and a few more good games will have right in the middle of Superbowl discussions.

- (yawning as I awake from my peaceful slumber) Cardinals are 2-0? That's nice. Wake me up when somebody, anybody, anywhere on earth actually thinks they'll make a difference this year. 

-I'm a little behind on this but I find it truly saddening to see this Vince Young drama play out. The guy clearly has some issues way beyond what happens on the football field. Career be damned, I just hope everything works out for Vince Young the person.

-Aaaaaaa too much NFL information to filter through. I'll try to get my head/life in order so we can have some clearer direction over here at HSWE. For now, I will jsut say enjoy yourself some football today. And if you're not into that, take a walk. It's gorgeous outside.

It's actually quite infuriating

I try not the take for granted some of the finer parts of New York City. For a city whose functionality is reliant on countless complex systems working in unison, all through the toils of thousands if not millions of civil service workers, it is remarkably easy to forget that we owe a lot of thanks for some of the smallest, seemingly involuntary tasks that help us call ourselves "New Yorkers." Sick of your train stalling before going over the bridge every morning? Well, quite yer' bitchin' princess Hilton! Some lowly worker is busting his ass trying to get you to your BS job daddy hooked you up with on time. You might even have time to get a double mocha skim vegan Osama soy bin latte! Show some god damned appreciation! On the other hand, I really don't care about any of that if you insist on taking up the seat next to you. What's that? You have a sore hip? First, I'm not even gonna ask why. Second, I don't care. Have some respect for your fellow "New Yorkers" and follow my rules of subway etiquette.

1) You are not that fat guy: So stop sitting like one. You don't need that extra space; you want that extra space. Well, tough luck. My ass wants it too. Wanna guess who wins this battle? The seats have very clear demarcations. Stay within yours or I will fart on your leg. 

2) Your balls/ovaries are not the size of basketballs: So stop kicking back and spreading your legs like this subway car is your living room. I think it's really nice that you can find comfort in such a crowded place. But, if you hadn't noticed, your sweet little "giving my jumblies some fresh air" move is pushing your knees directly into mine and giving my nuts the ol' "just hold your breath and we can all get through this as a team" maneuver. If you want adequate knee space perhaps you should consider biking. Your knees get all over the place on those things.

3) There is no such thing as primary standing room: So will you please get out of my way so I can get away from this neanderthal breathing down my neck. The flip side of this rule is the wonderful Samaritans who love to glide through already packed subway cars. You see this backpack I have on, right? If you seriously think I'm about to put it into three lovely people's faces all for your extra 1/8th inch of breathing room, well, first you'll have to tell me how it feels to ride on the train with a sweaty armpit in your face. Yeah, it's mine. Good luck with that.

It's all up hill after Dennis Miller

After seven long, baseball ridden months, the NFL is finally back in my life. This means many things to a degenerate like me. Not only does it bring the prospect of actual interesting sporting events returning to my life, it also reintroduces me the wonderful world of sports betting. I am by no means a football expert. In fact, it would be a stretch to even call myself well informed. But there's something about football betting that puts all other sports bets to shame. Oh, and the Giants won the Superbowl in somewhat dramatic fashion if you hadn't heard. Admittedly, the Giants' season looks pretty bleak right now but it's still very exciting to come into the season as defending champions and OH MY GOD FOOTBALL IS BACK! The Giants will have to fight for a playoff spot in the ridiculously stacked NFC East but, as cliche as this sounds, I think the Giants have already proven that they thrive in those situations and I expect them to find themselves in a Wild Card game again. More on the Giants in a bit. Here are my loose rankings as of 28 hours before the season officially starts. 

Favourites (in order):

Cowboys

Totally Not Undefeated Last Season Patriots

Chargers

Colts

Contenders:

Jaguars

Vikings

Steelers

Dangerous in the Playoffs:

Browns 

Eagles

Could Surprise You:

Giants

Saints

Bills

Packers

Overrated Would Be a Compliment:

Redskins

Broncos

Titans

Lions

Panthers

Pointlessly Mediocre:

Texans

Buccaneers

Bengals

The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked:

Jets

Bears

Dolphins

Raiders

Chiefs

I'd Rather Watch a Ben Affleck Movie:

Falcons

Ravens

The entire NFC West (Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, Rams) 

The reason I have the Cowboys at the top of my list is that they will most likely coast through the NFC Playoffs (Yes, I'm totally trying to jinx them) while the AFC Playoffs are going to be a total bloodbath. Seriously, I've heard five different teams in the AFC predicted to win the Superbowl and they all make sense. On the other hand, the only serious threat to the Cowboys right now is the Vikings and they didn't even make the playoffs last year.

The reason I put the NFC West at the bottom is because it's god awful. The Seahawks are the only legitimate team in that division and that's only because they were in Superbowl thre years ago. They would get crushed in any other division except the NFC South where they'd probably still get spanked by the Saints.

Yes, I know the Jets have Brett Favre and I still say they suck. I almost feel bad for the people who think a 38 year old diva learning a new offense somehow books a ticket for the playoffs. Favre is a great player but he didn't do it alone last year. The Jets' only other assets are their offensive line and... oh, that's it. I hope Brett Favre cries his way through the end of the season when he realizes that he ruined his legacy to go 6-10.

Here are some more whimsical predictions and then a celebration to honor the beginning of Edmund's season long funding of the Feed James fund.

Tony Romo will throw for 40 touchdowns and win MVP.

Nobody will care about Jessica Simpson until the playoffs, at which point the whole world will put pressure on Tony Romo to win a game. 

Eli Manning will finally play consistently this season and shut up all his critics.

Justin Tuck will have a monster season at defensive end for the Giants and their defense will be just fine.

Either Tom Brady or Peyton Manning will miss a start. 

Adam "Pacman" Jones will not get in any trouble off the field this season. 

Chris Henry will get in trouble off the field this season.

If the Cardinals have any shot at the playoffs, they will not start Matt Leinart at all.

Adrian Peterson will lead the league in rushing. However, he will not gain 2000 yards.

Shawne Merriman will not make it through eight games before his knee fails on him. Enjoy him while he's playing because this could easily be the end of his career. "Idiotic" doesn't even begin to describe his decision to play through two(!) torn ligaments. Good luck living off that rookie contract for the rest of your life, Shawne.

I will consider the season a bust if announcers refuse to refer to the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson by his new legal name, Chad Ocho Cinco.

Marvin Lewis will get fired by the Bengals after the season.

Edmund will lose lots of money to me.

Seriously, Edmund picked the Broncos as the #1 seed in the AFC. It doesn't get much better after that.

The Cowboys will beat the Colts 28-24 in the Superbowl.

 

Because ESPN needs more money

Between the lucrative ABC affiliation and countless offspring- I'm still waiting on The Ocho-I  highly doubt ESPN needs any more customers but funny is funny and should always be shared. So check this out and enjoy the endless folly that is Aaron Rodgers' career. Also, in case you were wondering, I will indeed continue to steal from endorse other media outlets and pass if off as an original blog. 

Mix Bag

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. My mind has been a little scattered and I haven't been particularly inspired. Nonetheless, here are a bunch of random links and thoughts to get me out of the rut.

- I'm almost genuinely upset how lightly the collective sports media has treated the Brett Favre situation. I understand that Brett Favre has had a great career and probably played harder and with more passion than anybody else for the past sixteen years. But if this despicable display of selfishness can't end his the media's infatuation with him, then what does? He spent three straight years holding the Packers hostage with his indecisiveness, then he's surprised when they decide to move on after he announces his retirement? Football players: they're not exactly rocket scientists. I can't wait to see his face after he realizes that the Jets are in fact awful. I'm so disgusted with this whole situation that I'm actually considering rooting for the Patriots to beat them.

- Speaking of the Patriots, this is indeed priceless:

- They're making a movie out of Max Payne, which I'll admit was a pretty cool computer game. But in the end this only makes me long for a Duke Nukem movie. Actually, Duke Nukem mainly fought aliens. This could only lead to lackluster CG monsters in some debacle helmed by some geek who aspires to make the next 300, which was a massive disappointment in my opinion.

- I swear I'm not posting the following video for maturbatory purposes. Most of the time I think it's great that European entertainment is more open and honest about sex but I find it pretty offensive that this is a real "exercise" show in Italy:

Play a game with it. Scan through and see if 50% of the time you find a close up of an ass.

- These are the most hilariously nauseating shoes I have ever seen. Try not to look too long or your head might explode.

- If having Stupidity Awards is pure genius, then hiring Lewis Black as the host is the test tube baby of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein.

- Sometimes streaking goes better than expected. Other times not so much. Observe:

Best reaction in the second video goes to the guy in the lower right hand corner who laughs so hard he falls down. More importantly, the first video is extremely rare in that you get a glimpse of a whole boob at the end of the video. I kind of want to marry that woman. Unless that video is from the 90s. Who am I kidding? Are you out there YouTube streaker lady? I love you.

- A couple weeks ago at work (remember when I had a job?) I saw a YouTube video of a Youtube video? I guess it makes sense. Why would I watch South Park on YouTube when I can watch crappy handheld home recordings of South Park on YouTube. In other news, that person should probably get a new hobby.

- In case you weren't aware of this already, you are currently using the Internet and it is so complicated it makes me dizzy. Take your time reading this one. It's fascinating how much we take for granted. Also, according to this page a lot of the Internet is run through one building. It can't really be that easy to destroy the Internet. Or can it...

List #2

The worst teams in professional sports.

I include teams that I have never seen make the playoffs in my 17 years of watching sports, or even worse have had fewer than 2 or 3 winning seasons in that span. They might never win, and a few even seem to be in constant danger of being moved to another city or contracted (which means they won't exist at all anymore). Yes, this happens. I will refrain from using the phrase, "The Cream of the Crap". Also, I'm exluding any NHL (hockey) teams as I am not educated enough on this front and truly, "psshhhhh" describes how I feel about all that business.

Football:

Detroit Lions
Cleveland Browns
Arizona Cardinals
Houston Texans

The NFL is one of the best sports as far as having random teams make the playoffs, and I believe it's even possible that the first 2 listed above did it once in the 90's. The Texans are a relatively new team by comparison, and perhaps should have been exluded from the list. I think I've seen 30 of the 32 teams make the dance at some point. *Football has 12 playoff teams each year.

Basketball:

This one is a bit tougher, as 16 of the 30 teams in the NBA make the playoffs every year, and one or two really insane players can help out a crappier team much more than in football or baseball.

Atlanta Hawks--They made the playoffs last year, but it was as a bottom seed and with a
losing record. Prior to that, they hadn't done anything since at least the early
90's, and certainly haven't had a title sine the 80's.

Charlotte Bobcats--A new team, but still pretty bad.

Memphis Grizzlies--I think they've only been around since the mid 90's, but it's been at
least 10 years, and the other team that came into the league the same
time as them (Toronto Raptors) have made the playoffs more than once.

Even bottom dwellers like the Bucks, Blazers, Kings, TWolves and Sonics all had some amazing runs. Honorbale mentions inclue the Golden State Warriors and LA Clippers.

Baseball:

Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals-My favorite team growing up. I had their hat, baseball cards, and even saw an interleague game between them and the Baltimore Orioles. I never saw them make the playoffs, but during the strike shortened season of 1994, they had the best record in baseball at 74-40. Yes, 74-40!! It's really to sad a subject for me to discuss any longer. Here is a brief list of former Expos players: Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Vlad Guerrero, Andre Dawson, Tim Raines, Andres Galaragga, Larry Walker, Moises Alou, Cliff Lee, and Grady Sizemore.

Milwaukee Brewers
Kansas City Royals
Cincinnati Reds
Pittsburgh Pirates

The last three teams are arguably the biggest losers in all of sports the last 15 years. This baseball talk is making me thirsty. I have nothing good to say about Billy Crystal except that when he was young, he wasn't that ugly. Toodles.

Summer Lull

Contrary to popular belief, boredom is not the only reason to discuss and analyze major league baseball. I believe cowardess and cocaine usage (separate of course) also apply. That being said, it's two in the afternoon and I feel interested, courageous, and without any kind of drip running down my throat.

I told James nearly 2 months ago that the Yankees would win the World Series, and frankly it's agonizing being right so often. Still, with the Orioles a mere 9 (that's right 9!) games behind second place Boston in the AL East, my preseason futures bet and love for everything birdy and orange is still alive. Kevin Millar may very well surpass 20 home runs for the season, which isn't too bad for someone I declared the worst person in baseball not 3 years ago. Of course at that time, he was playing for Team Satanic Petaphiles.

*For anyone who doesn't know too much about baseball or is halfway intelligent and thus doesn't care, there are 2 leagues-American and National, each with 3 divisions. Every year a total of 8 teams go to the playoffs, which encompasses the 6 division winners and 2 wild cards (the teams with the next best records). Easy enough, right? The problem is that a team with a better record could miss out on the playoffs if they are stuck in a great division, whereas a division winner with a worse record could go on to the postseason. I think it's great, and it should cause all those pundits who complain about rules and whatnot in baseball to go into some real introspective analysis of themselves, and realize maybe there's like, I dunno, more important stuff going on around them.

I will now give you my 2 lists.

1. Major League Baseball is both great and terrible because at the start of each year, even though 162 games are played (the most of any professional sport by far), nearly 75% of the teams can be rules out as having absolutely no chance to even sniff the playoffs. So here are the only teams I believe have an actual shot to play in the World Series, aka the final round of the playoffs or where the "top 2" teams play it out for the title.

Los Angeles Angels
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Minnesota Twins
New York Mets
Florida Marlins
Chicago Cubs
Milwaukee Brewers
Arizona Diamondbacks

Like I said, you can rule out most teams, and even listing 10 teams is a bit of a stretch. I am not stating only 8 of these 10 teams will make the playoffs, but that no other teams have any shot of making the series. Most of these choices should be self explanatory, and if not you can glance here. As for the "odder choices", the Marlins are one of only 4 teams I've seen win 2 titles in my lifetime and they play with grit and pizazz, which is like an impossible combo to achieve. The Twins have close to the wors ballpark, owner, attendance stats, and payrolls in the entire sport, and yet seem to be in contention nearly every season the last few years. Arizona also owns a championship and a few division titles in the last decade, as does St Louis. Milwaukee is just pure talent, a completely loaded team. So there you go. The Chicago White Sox, Philadelphia Phillies, and Los Angeles Dodgers get no respect from me, and they don't deserve it.

Amusing names join the Yankees

A long, long time ago I promised myself I wouldn't make any mention of baseball until August. I guess that makes me a liar. However, I do have an exciting excuse of the legitimate possibility of  a World Series run by the Yankees. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic in saying that but it's hard to deny that Yanks are looking awfully dangerous right now. As if being the best team in baseball since the All Star break wasn't enough, the Yankees have actually shown a pulse before the trade deadline by picking up two big time players: Xavier Nady and Ivan Rodriguez. So now we have suddenly dominant pitching (including Chien-Ming Wang, our ace, potentially returning in September), a handful of future Hall of Famers (A-Rod, Jeter, Rodriguez, Mo), perfectly reasonable role players (Damon, Abreu, Cano) and Jason Giambi's manly, masculine, macho, virile, robust mustache holding it all together. And let's not forget the endless supply of inspirational material we're bound to be subjected to in the midst of the final playoff push at the stadium.

More important than all of this is how amusing the names of our major trade acquisitions are. Ivan Rodrigez is blessed with "Pudge" as a nickname. If he had that nickname in any other respectable sport, there's no way he would  have gotten to where he is today. Xavier Nady's name begins with an X and that's just plain weird. If this requires any further explanation then this blog might not be for you.

In a totally, unrelated note, I just watched The Root Of All Evil on Comedy Central and blogging was officially declared the root of all evil. Congratulations, you're going to hell.

I will never pay $5 for a slice of pizza

Not even in the year 2023. Never.

Suggestions for 'douchette' status:
Melissa Rivers
Michelle Malkin
Sarah Jessica Parker

Nope, not punk at all

Is it possible for girls to be labled as douchebags? The current ruling at work is they can but only if "douchette" is used. Either way, this is all happening because of Avril Lavigne, who is my first nominee for douchette status. More to come on this late breaking development...

Blah

That's how my stomach feels after no solid for four and a half days. The good things is that's the only part of my body that seems to be struggling from this wacky diet. I seem to have lost a little bit of weight and I've proven to myself that I do indeed have some semblance of will power remaining. That being said, I think I've done enough damage to myself and it's time to eat some sweet, sweet... ANYTHING! It's friday which means free pizza at work is imminent and it's going to be a challenge to stay away from it. But I don't feel like instantly undoing all of the good things I've done for my body this week so I'll most likely try to stick to fruits and vegatables today and possibly the whole weekend. Or I could just freak out and get cheese fries. What's the written translation of Homer Simpson salivating? That's me. Right now. This very moment. As you're reading this. Now!

You can just go ahead and ignore Bob Costas

Why?

If you are actually posing that question in response to the title of this entry, then you must be Bob Costas. No, actually you are Bob Costas. Seriously, a bag of schillings to anybody who earnestly replied "Why?" when informed they had the inalienable right to ignore Bob Costas.

Without delving too far into this matter, I mean to suggest there are a few main points you, the loyal reader, can gleam. As a quick aside, I should mention that Bob Costas is the man who will more than likely be the emissary extraordinaire of the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics. You may have seen him on NBC the last 15 years. He's pretty short, occasionally smiles. Yes, that is him you're picturing now. Consider this somewhat of a continuation from James' earlier Olympic themed post, substituting his research and fact finding ability for my terse and reasonably vapid opinions about the topic at hand.

Olympic ideas!

1. Bob Costas is a hack. Before you start with the Jay Leno mantra of, "Oh, he sure does try though!", consider that there are tons, literally pound after pound of hack flavored human beings out there that do try incredibly hard in their careers, despite inherent journalistic shortcomings such as ignorance, aloofness, and inability to really say anything truthful at all. Bill O'Reilly is one example that comes to mind. I suppose Marv Albert, John Tesh and that Asian lady from Big Brother could also be added to the list. I could write a dissertation on how Costas' failure to be either a person or a reporter have hurt sport over the years, but I can comfortably sum it up by stating that he is clueless, kind of cocky, and extremely confused about himself, people, the world, and well, sports.

2. The Olympics will disappoint you in at least one semi-important regard.

3. McDonald's and Coca-Cola make their long awaited push to control all advertising, crush the soul of anything good that comes out of the Olympics, and impose their not-so-dynamic and utterly homogeneous will upon the entire world, while simultaneously veiling it in a grandiose claim of "See, free trade does work!".

4. Barack Obama will enter the 400 x 4 relay at the last second, substitute himself for the entire American team, and break 5 world records in one day. His sweat will inadvertently spell "yes we can" across the width of the track, and an iron sculpture of his teeth will be built in honor of the feat. The phrase, "The first black...", will be heard 731, 000 times during the next 4 hours of television.

Best. Sport. Ever.

One of the many perks of working in a humongous office building is the little tv displaying news tidbits in the elevators. There are numerous stories up there every day ranging from pointless to interesting to amazing. I saw one earlier that transcends all of those generic adjectives.

Did you know that Dueling Pistols was an Olympic sport in 1906? How did they do this you ask? It's simple really. Said duellers simply fired their pistols at mannequins wearing targets for clothes. Aside from the obvious brilliance of awarding medals for possessing an outstanding athletic ability to kill people, the really fascinating part to me is trying to figure out how these people trained. While logic dictates the distinguished gentlemen participating in this sadly defunct event spent a considerable amount of time serving up lead sandwiches to unusally large tree trunks, I'd like to imagine these Olympians going downtown with little more than a pistol, a leather glove and a warped sense of righteousness. Unfortunately, this was already a solid century after the famous Hamilton-Burr duel so I'll go ahead and assume these duelists were cowards and/or bored hunters hicks.

I also have to ask, how did they settle disputes in dueling pistol competitions? It must have been damn near impossible to get into a pistol dueling argument without it resulting in some form of duel. Alternatively, I suppose formal debates were the equalizer of choice.

P.S: In addition to Dueling Pistols, the 1906 Olympics also proudly awarded medals for Tug Of War. To learn more about the 1906 Olympics, you can go to the only webiste that matters.

Wow

I was planning on keeping my Wikipedia links confined to sandwiches and sandwich related material but some things are too disturbing to keep to myself. Give this a gander:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prussian_Blue_(American_duo*

Now isn't that interesting? Awwwww! They're like little Aryan cadets! Now, for all of you sane, reasonable people out there here's some nice wholesome sandwich material to ponder:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rye_bread

God Bless America!

*Thanks to Cracked for turning me onto this.

Sweet!

WARNING: This is a pointless, mildly entertaining story that I will totally forigve you for skipping over if you choose to do so.

In honor of my wonderful venture of self-starvation, it seems like a good time to blog about pizza. Similar to Pizza Hut's Dark Knight themed pizza, Domino's has been heavily pushing "The Gotham City Pizza" which is "shrouded in darkness" and "cloaked in pepperoni" according the their website which I refuse to link to. The pizza is advertised as having 50% more pepperoni than a regular pizza and, in a glorious moment of sloth and gluttony, my friend I decided to order one with buffalo wings on the side. Much to our dismay, Domino's didn't have pepperoni. Let me say that again in case you missed it. Domino's Pizza, the largest pizza chain in the country and possibly the world, did not have pepperoni. How could this happen? I don't even know what the equivalent to this is. I'd even forgive Starbucks for running out of milk.

After unsuccessfully trying to call the other Domino's in the area (Domino's automatically sends you to the nearest location in order to save you the inconvenience of using your brain for ten freaking seconds!) we finally gave up and ordered Papa John's in hopes that we could get a pizza with double pepperoni and still get wings. At this point it should be noted that the last time I got Papa John's I got food poisoning and missed work. And in the wonderful world of hourly rates that I exist in missing work equals losing money. Anywho, an hour later our pizza arrives, I went outside to pick it up, I buzzed my friend to come get me, the door closed behind him (which it rarely if ever does on its own) and we were locked out. Wonderful. Sure enough, after ordering a pizza with double pepperoni on the whole pizza and mushrooms one half, we got a half pepperoni, half mushroom pizza that could never be mistaken for having double pepperoni. This disappointment went nicely with the bland, mild wings. Two hours and about 12-15 cigarettes later, my very disgruntled roommate arrived to let us in. Pepperoni ruined my day. I'm never ordering from pizza chains again. Never ever ever. I'm so hungry right now. I wonder where the nearest Pizza Hut is.

Terrible things I do to myself

I'm currently in the middle of Day 3 of The Master Cleanse which means I'm currently in the middle of Day 3 of not eating solid food. For those of you unfamiliar, The Master Cleanse basically entails drinking lemon juice and very little else for ten days. The actual purpose of this "diet" is to detox but like Beyonce I'm doing it to lose weight. Hey, if there's one thing I know about this world- and I know at least two things- it's that you should always do what attractive people do. And Beyonce sure is attractive.
I'm hungry! The good things is that the lemonade actually gives you enough energy to get through the day. The recipe is:

6 tablespoons lemon or lime juice
6 tablespoons maple syrup (the real stuff)
1/2 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 litre of water

Drink 2 litres a day and that's it. This doesn't sound particularly appetizing but after a few sips you realize that maple syrup is like totally scrumptious. Also limes are cheaper and taste better then lemons so I'm sticking with that. My stomach just rumbled. I'm probably going to gain all the weight back once this is over. But I've got a surplus of free time and a deficit of will power so this could at least help me build some of that, what's it called? Oh, yeah, self esteem. Plus I figure I will be much more inspired to go to the gym at a greater frequency if I'm trying to keep the weight off as opposed to trying to lose the gut. I'll try and do daily updates on how I feel. For now I'm gonna day dream about chicken salad sandwiches.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've been very careful about not swearing here, but every rule should have an exception. As if I didn't hate Times Square enough, I got the wonderful experience of having what can only be described as stank-ass water mysteriously fall off a lamppost directly onto the top of my head. I was thrilled to find that not only had I been doused in water, but the water had a lovely brown tint to it. This tint must have surely come from what seemed to be several chunks of weed resin in the water/my head. With all the possibilities for those chunks, I honestly hope it was resin. I suppose it beats bird shit. That being said, I'm really looking forward to going through the whole work day reeking of pot. Nothing says professionalism like recreational drug use!

I have no idea how that "water" fell off the lamppost or why the fuck it was there in the first place. Fuck Times Square. I've endured so much bullshit from this neighborhood. I didn't need shit water to ruin it for me. Couldn't it have at least hit some fat, fanny pack toting tourist? Scare those filthy pests away for good. I mean, they do make larger, slower targets. Fuck this place. I apologize for my foul language.

Wikipedia

I know I'm waaaaaaay too late to hop on this bandwagon, but I must profess my love for Wikipedia. I love it. You should too. Seriously, can anybody name me a greater non-porn website in the history of the internet? I'm considering offering some kind of prize to the person that can do this. Anything better than Wikipedia has to be worth money.

I don't even explore the main page or any of the spinoffs. But even the simplest of searches can lead to an endless progression of useless to semi-useless knowledge. Do you want to know about sandwiches? Here's all you'll ever need:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich

On a related note, I recently searched for Wikipedia on Wikipedia and was extremely disappointed to find that the world did not not blow up, vanish, spontaneously combust or harm itself in any other way.

It All Comes Down To This

Every year I end up with a small selection of films I designate as my make or break movies of the year. Once they fall into this category, they must be amazing to fulfill my expectations for the year. I usually end up hedging my bets* enough to endure one bust without losing all faith in the motion picture business. For example, last year Spiderman 3 was a dud but it didn't matter because There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men were total masterpieces.** However, this year I've got everything riding on* The Dark Knight. If it doesn't live up to my admittedly high standards, nothing will salvage this year in cinema for me. For someone as emotionally fragile as myself, this is a risky but ultimately necessary move. Batman is my favourite superhero by a million miles. Batman (1989) is in my all time Top 10. Batman hates himself more than I do. I can't help from getting giddy over this. With all the hype, the hype and, oh yeah, the hype, this movie didn't even have to look good for me to get sucked into the mass hysteria. The fact that it might very well be the best picture of the year only sweetens the deal. So here's hoping The Dark Knight doesn't break my heart.

Did you know Heath Ledger died? I bet Bin Laden even heard about that one.

*Yes, those are poker/gambling analogies. I'm writing this at work so cut me some slack. At least I didn't use the phrase "all my eggs in one basket" or "all-in." All of the sudden those don't seem so bad anymore, huh?

**For the record, I believe it's socially and artistically acceptable to call films of that caliber masterpieces without the slightest concern of seeming hackneyed or predictable. My use of "for the record" is a different matter altogether.

Coming Soon: I too have a Dark Knight related pizza story. Pepperoni ruined my day. And not in the way you're thinking it did.

No no, not this!!!

I will really try to keep my posts relating in any way shape or form to baseball to an absolute minimum after today. Hopefully this will also be the last time I choose to use the phrase "way, shape, or form" in print ever again as well.

I played pool instead of watching the All-Star game yesterday, which apparently went to 15 innings and unbeknownst to me was still on when I got home after dropping both games of cutthroat. Still I haven't the faintest regret, especially since they never got to the point where second basemen started pitching, which I'm pretty sure is the entire point and master plan of baseball that no one has actually realized yet.

On what Scott Van Pelt deemed "the slowest sports day of the year", baseball analysts have seized on this game as a clear symptomatic problem of what's wrong with baseball. "The system must be changed!!!" was a common theme echoed today. The national league manager Clint Hurdle (of the Rockies???) claimed he was forced to do "Chinese arithmetic" during the game.
Terry Franconia (AL manager from the Red Sox) stated that "the last two hours weren't even that much fun".

Wow. Managers having to make decisions, while staying up past midnight. Unexpected things happening in a baseball game, causing a mild amount of surprise and indecision. Dear God I knew the Mayans were right. You can all book your 2012 deluxe spa treatments now, because the world is ending. The all star game was a little wacky, and thus America's pastime has imploded, leaving behind a bloody trail of John Kruks and Mike Lowells who still yearn for those simpler times when men sipped highballs at 2 in the afternoon, blacks didn't run track at the Olympics, and baseball managers never needed to move in a game unless it was to avoid spitting on their knee.

Sometimes I feel like John McCain is an omnipotent spirit far greater than any of us could have imagined, and has pervaded the minds and souls of everyone on television, filling the universe with sweet 'ol conventional wisdom.