We play for the glory

My gripes this week have to begin with the series Planet Earth. Initially, this sounded like some kin of foo-foo artsy modern day feel good story about plants narrated by Morgan Freeman. Some of this may still be true. Nevertheless, Mr. Freeman is noticeably absent, but since he was unavailable the producers clearly chose a Brit to fill his place. How many famous Attenboroughs are there? Not enough, apparently. It's a fairly remarkable skill to be able to convey tension, joy, and fear without ever raising or lowering your voice. Stupid accents.

This project seems to be mainly focused on animals, clearly a boon to me. Furthermore, there is a heavy presence of marine mammals, obviously my favorite. Have you ever seen a river otter? Easily tops my list of favorite animals. Still, the nastiest mother fucker I saw on one particular chapter of Planet Earth was the Nile Crocodile.

Over 5 meters long! No, I don't know what that means either. But I'm pretty sure it's like 3 humans worth of crocodile. Furthermore, the biggest concentration of these beasts is at the exact spot where herds of wildebeests travel ever year. To top it off, the wildebeests have to travel these god knows how many hundreds of miles because there is absolutely no water where they live. Shameless crocs. Still, it's hard for me to empathize with these wildebeests, because how do you run from 4 crocodiles when you travel like 30,000 deep? Liberals.

Thus begins me quest to pinpoint the biggest, baddest, meanest animals in the world, of course excluding humans and their incredible ability to manage poseable thumbs and guns.

I don't gleam these ranking from any kind of head to head tournament, but I still maintain they are far beyond accurate. If you need further explanation, imagine that each animal battle occurs in a weird stasis state where each animal is comfortable in their separate environment. For instance, that's how one determines how a lion fights a shark, or how a grizzly bear battles an anaconda. Forget temperatures, that's a man made concept anyway.

This is my pre-research top 5 list of whack and terribly mean and deadly animals. We'll see later how it matches up with the final decision (Blue Whales are out).

5. Huge Crocodile

4. Great White Shark

3. King Cobra

2. Hippopotamus

1. Colossal Squid